Advice from ladies who have donated or shared eggs?

Hi all. Not posted for a while but I found out today that the lady I shared eggs with in my first cycle gave birth to her baby at the beginning of the year. Also that the second lady I shared eggs with unfortunately didn't concieve but she has a frozen embryo to try and she is having a go this month. I'm so happy for the first and crossing everything for the second. I'm lucky enough to be in week 27 (touch wood) and was just wondering how anyone else who donated eggs or shared eggs considered how to discuss this with their child? I know I'm a long way off but I've been thinking, it's a beautiful but also important thing to tell my (hopefully) future child, that she has a genetic connection to someone out there. Ive been keeping a diary for her to read when she is older but I wanted to sort of be open from the start and was wondering how you'd explain it to a child? Obviously a simplistic and easy to understand way. I don't want it to be something I tell her when she's older, I want her always to know in one way or another? Seems silly I'm thinking about it now - I think focussing on each new development is helping not to focus on the worries that all IVF couples go through from start to finish. Helps to plan as if she definitely will get here now rather than pray nothing goes wrong all the time as it wasn't helping me cope very well.

I/we don't get to know who the couples are I only get to know if they have babies and then, one day when those babies are 18 they can find me if they want but they don't have to. But I always want our little one to know I think it's a wonderful thing and so important for her to know. Hopefully. One day all being well. I don't want it to be a dirty secret or shame that comes out when she is a teenager because it's not something nasty it's something incredible and I've never been ashamed or worried about it. But at the same time it's obviously a delicate matter. How would all of you handle it?

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  • I am on the other side using DE, we choose to have DE in the UK as I want any future child to be able to trace the donor if they wish to do this when older. I bought a book (child's book) on amazon about how they where created and why. It's a lovely book and explains everything in child friendly terms to be able to use from a young age so it's natural and not a big secret. Have a look online for something similar.

    Just want to say I think it's so selfless to be able to give someone that gift 💕💕

  • Thanks Button I will have a browse. I guess if I read my child one of those books she may come to understand and as she gets older I can explain things properly? I just didnt want one of those shock moments when she is older and have all her hormones turn it into something bad when it's not. I've never looked back or regretted it ever and I want her to see what a beautiful thing it is :)

    The other couples' babies may decide never to contact me when they are older which I am also ok with, just knowing that they were born to parents who wanted them enough to go through this is enough of a reward. I found our journey hard enough but I was lucky enough that I could produce eggs with medical help. And by sharing I was enabled to have (hopefully) my little one this summer. We've helped each other and I think that's such a special story. Whatever they decide I wanted our little one to know, even if she never meets these children. I'm on Amazon now ;)

    I really hope this time is your time. Good luck with your DE cycle! Everything crossed including toes!! :) Xxx

  • Aww thanks and it's lovely to hear things from your side. I also want it to be natural and no shocks and if a person can do such a generous, thoughtful selfless thing I just think it's just another positive person/influence in my child's life (if it works of course) xxx

  • Hiya I read your post with interest and firstly I want to say congratulations and secondly what a totally amazing gift you have given people. Total respect. Your daughter will be very proud of you.

    So here are my thoughts but tackled from the other angle. Ie a donor egg recipient. My husband have thought about this a lot and swapped from one side to the other until we met a counsellor and discussed this with her. Our intention if we are successful is to be honest from the start and for it to be part of their understanding from the start. We are concerned what family members would think but they are not going through the experiences we have and you need to do what is right for your family.

    I found it very helpful to talk with a counsellor about it and how to go about it. Maybe this could help you also.

    It is also my understanding that there is a donor UK network offering all kinds of support.

    If the child does contact you in the future re the donor sibling it might be easier to handle.

    I was worried about trust and any potential child I might have getting serious trust issues etc. This is one of the reasons why the laws changed in the UK.

    If we are indeed lucky we will get to know an incredibly small amount about our donor but whomever they are I would be eternally grateful that they gave us an opportunity.

    Good luck in whatever you decide to do and I look forward to future posts re your babies development.

    Xxx

  • Thank you DC I hope she is :) I'd never heard of it if I'm honest until I started IVF and I think so much more awareness should be made. As soon as I read about it at our clinic and looked into it deeper I was like...why wouldn't I do this?

    We got to see a counsellor before donating to make sure we were sure about it and she did say would you tell your own child(ren) about it and it never occurred to me not to. Like you say i think there's an element of trust in there too I think it's important. I will look up UK donor network thank you :)

    I hope your family are good about the donation. It can be a touchy subject for so many. Luckily my family were very supportive when I told them. One of my siblings found it hard to understand but tbh they found the whole IVF process against what they believed in and thought I should adopt and not even try IVF. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do I guess? Especially those that have their own children already and can't understand.

    I wish you all the best have they matched you with a donor yet? Xxx

  • After six failed rounds with my eggs our last option was to try donor eggs. Our clinic in the UK put us on the UK waiting list but warned us it would take a long time. They also offered us the option to go abroad as they link to a clinic and had no waiting lists. We decided to go down that route.

    We had our first ever positive pregnancy following a fresh donor round but we sadly lost our little beanie at the beginning of the year.

    I am actually back having a FET as we were very lucky to get 5 embryos transferred. My transfer was yesterday so we will see what happens.

    It has been a long 5 years from a fertility journey perspective but we still have hope thanks to people like you.

    You know are you able to print comments from the forum? It might be nice to keep some of the comments for your daughter to eventually read.

    I look forward to seeing updates from you and wish you the very best.

    Xx

  • Maybe I can print screen them on the computer when I'm home and save them for her yeah that's a great idea thank you :)

    You've had such a hard journey I really hope this is your year. <3

  • No advice but just wanted to echo the other comments and say what a wonderful thing you have done. We had some test results today which mean it is likely we will be using donor eggs, just starting the process but your post brought a tear to my eye. Congratulations on your pregnancy - from how you have worded your post I'm sure you will find the right words at the right time to explain it all to your little one xxx

  • Thank you Pinky! It means a lot. I think my flaw is i try to get too much information in at once that might confuse a small child if I tried to explain it that way lol between one of those children's books and the donor network UK should be able to come up with something simple to start though :) I have a while to plan.

    Thanks so much, on the home stretch now but still feels like I'm waiting for the next disaster you know? Can't wait til she's here safe.

    Sorry to hear about your results but I hope at least it means a new start and that you can get matched with a donor quickly and have your own little one in your arms soon. I think they matched me with my ladies within a month both times. Wishing you all the luck in the world going forward my dear <3 xx

  • Wow really, a month? The info from the clinic all says likely waiting times of 6 months for a match. I need to speak to them later but fingers crossed they find us someone sooner. When we last saw our counsellor she was saying that very young children are so receptive to what you are telling them, they are very accepting so it will just seem normal to them. Great you are thinking about it at this stage. She also signposted us to the Donor Network and there is a lot of great info available from them xxx

  • Kitty k I just wanted to echo all that has already been said. We are presently on the waiting list waiting for a donor. Thanks to people like yourself being so selfless and generous one day we may have the child we so desperately want. I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy I am sure your daughter will be very proud of the choice her mum made xxx

  • Thank you I hope so. And I hope they find your donor soon. Not much is known about donor eggs I don't think. Everyone knows about donor sperm but I never even heard of egg donation until I started down the IVF route myself. Once we had our 13 week scan I was quite open with my work and said I'd had IVF and done egg sharing and none of them had ever heard of it either.

    It really needs to be put out there more so hopefully more ladies might choose to share eggs. Xxx

  • I donated eggs on my first fresh cycle in 2015 but our clinic said we can't have any information. The first I will know is if at 18 any child tries to trace me. I think it's lovely that you know that your donation has made another couples dreams come true. Xx

  • I love that you did this. And helped ease the pain and complete the journey of another couple who deserve a family. Big respect to you.

    I love how you'll tell your story to your child. Button is right. There are many books. If you go to the DCN website there is a range of different ones. Which just end up being normal children's stories.

    Thank you for keeping motherhood alive for those who struggle at a time when it wasn't easy for you either xx

  • Thank you I'm so happy to have helped one, hopefully both of them after this cycle for the second lady. I found my journey difficult enough but I can't imagine how much harder it must be to be depending on someone else's body to make those eggs for you. I really struggled losing control over the situation to drugs/medication but every milestone I had those women waiting to share my eggs were on tenterhooks too, waiting to be updated and told how the follicles were developing, to see how many eggs I had made, if there were even enough for them to share. That must be so much harder. I'm so happy to have helped and I hope those babies know how loved they are by their brave parents xxx

  • <3

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