Well, what a sh*tty year 2017 was. And 2016. Oh, and 2015. This world of IVF is just a long painful road isn't it?
I genuinely didn't think we'd have it in us to try again. But I've almost run out of gin and I weigh a stone more than I did 6 months ago. I need something to distract me from hiding away. I sincerely don't know how people who face failed attempts and miscarriages dust themselves off and start again within months. Those men and women are my heroes.
Truth be told, I desperately want to try again - but I've never been more scared than I am now. I'm so scared that a little bit of me doesn't even want to do it again. I'm not scared of the needles, the travel, the chaos of drug regimes, the mood swings or the waiting game. I'm petrified of the pain. Of it not working again. Scared of if I've even got it in me to keep trying again after that. Scared of who I'll be if I don't have a child.
And I'm scared for Mr Emu. Ladies who are reading this... don't ever underestimate the pressure and sadness that this journey puts on men. Never an emotional person I thought that Mr Emu would just get through it accepting that life throws its challenges. He didn't get through it as easy as I'd thought. Isn't it weird how everyone will always ask how the woman is; but never really ask the bloke. And generally, they're the ones who are keeping everything together and restoring order in to life. A quick reset and a trip to Berlin and an agreement not to talk about about our next steps until the new year... we were able to just be us, find our feet again and I could take care of Mr Emu just like he'd taken care of me.
Fast forward 6 months and we'd not even made it to the new year when two days before Christmas I can't even remember how the conversation happened but we just decided it was a no brainer. We wanted to try again and we were ready.
So, today my appointment came through (within 45 minutes of emailing to confirm we wanted to try again!) to see the consultant and work out what will happen next. No doubt he'll tell me to stop drinking and shift some weight for a start. It hasn't gone un-noticed how close to our would have been due date this appointment is. Not sure if I'm meant to read anything in to that or not. Except for the occasional tear over Christmas at how different things could have been.
So please 2018, please be kind. Look after us. Look after Mr Emu. And look after all the lovely people on this forum. x
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emu2016
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Yes, love this post!! You've got this! 👊 You and ur hubby sound like such a strong team, lucky to have each other! I totally empathise with the hideous fear of emotional pain and desire to protect yourself and your hubby but your bravery to persevere in the face of this is inspiring. The dream of becoming a parent to our child just never goes away. I wish you all the luck in the world with this next round, i hope your and hubby's dream comes true 😘 xx
Oh god yes it was a shitty year! Our last appointment to tell us my eggs at 34 years of age were rubbish was on our due date, sometimes I can’t work out if it’s a good sign or the universe laughing at us! What you have written could have come straight from my mind, this journey is so hard, and I take my hat off to you for your honesty lovely, and keeping everything crossed that 2018 is kind to us all! Xxx
Well Mrs Emu, in very pleased to see you back.....!!😗
You talk about other ladies that have had their hard times like that doesn't apply to you....well....oh my days!! I completely empathise with how your hubby can only be so strong, one of my biggest fears! Mrs & Mr Emu, you massively underestimate how strong a couple you are! Looking out for each other at every turn. My heart warms that you are ready to try again. Nothing can prepare for how the failures will affect us or our other halves.
You are one of those warriors you mention out there, both of you....dont underestimate yourselves!!
Oh MrsEmu it is so good to see you back!! You’re so right about how hard it is on our men but how no one really thinks of them or how they are coping. You sound like such an incredible team, you’ve had such a terrible few years and still coming out fighting, I really admire you.
I was never ready to jump straight back in after our miscarriages it’s just too painful, I don’t know where people find the strength to try again almost straightaway.
I remember feeling very scared before our FET, could we handle another loss? Or a BFN? Amazingly our dreams have come true and I’m now 13 weeks pregnant, something I thought at one point would never happen for us.
Will this be a totally fresh round or do you have any frozen? Xxxx
Thanks Mrs I’m still struggling to take it in to be honest. This will sound odd but... It is in there wriggling away and I watch the scan screen like it’s someone elses baby not mine! A very bizarre feeling. I have everything crossed and double crossed for you for 2018 xxx
Totally relate to your post and am hoping 2018 is the year for you and Mr Emu. Your right about people forgetting how it affects the men but what a strong team you are! Lots of luck for your appt xx
Oh Mrs Emu, so glad to have you back! I wish you all the best on this next attempt: put that gin aside, drop those kilos, and bring on that baby! Here's hoping 2018 will be your year.
Aww emu2016 I feel like I could have written this post. I'm totally with you on going through the treatment and meds but it's dealing with the aftermath and the pain which is the hardest to bare.
Unfortunately it's a familiar road we find ourselves again but I suppose we pick ourselves up and try again because there is always the chance that this time it might work this is what we hold on to and this chance is worth a try if we have an opportunity to try again.
Wishing you and mr emu all the very best, it's very tough on both partners but you'll support each other step by step along the way.
Hi Emu! Welcome back, so nice to read your post this morning. I myself am ready for cycle 3 now!! Lets pray and hope this is our year. I understand how you feel about how Mr emu feels, my husband just feels low and dosent feel like it will work. But I try and be positive for both of us. After having so many knockbacks it's so easy to feel like it won't work. But we can only have hope. We have our amazing neice to love like a daughter but we would both love a baby of our own. Good luck with your next cycle. Xx
Hi emu, just reading your post . Your showing such courage and are fighting for what you want. I’m not sure how many attempts you’ve tried ivf , but I wish you so much luck and wishes for you .
You sound very much a strong , level headed lady, and ivf does takes guts, determination, & so much out of you that I think you are truly amazing.
I’m sure it was you who I first chatted to when I started my ivf, so I know how long it’s been , don’t give up - 2018 is a fresh start and I hope a very special one for you. Xxxxxx
Aww emu I was so heartbroken when I heard your sad news recently. 💔 you were one of the first few people to comment on my posts and give such lovely advice throughout, despite your hardships.
But I was even more devastated when you mentioned you probably wouldn’t try again.
I thought If a couple as strong as yourselves had been broken by the journey what hope was there for the rest of us(!) 😳
But YAY- YOU’RE BACK!!!!🎊🎊🎉🎉🎉
I’m so happy to hear it and pray pray pray that you get the news you so long wish for !!!
I now feel energised to try again for my own FET 😊
Come on Mrs Emu- we both need to lose at least a stone - let’s do it! 🏋️♂️ Lol
I remember! You had so many follicles! I think we’re always stronger than we seem... braver than we believe... or whatever the quote is. But it takes time to heal I guess. I really don’t know how many more attempts I have left in me. But I do know I’m not ready to stop yet.
Maybe I should start a weekly weigh in for us?! 😂 I got weighed on Saturday and then had New Year’s Eve... then my birthday and then eating leftovers on 2nd! I’m not hopeful for this Saturday! 🙈 x
I’ve steadily been losing a little bit of weight even though I’ve eaten sugar again and been on bedrest for weeks !
I now realise I’m actually losing muscle mass not fat 😳
Yes I did have a lot of follicles which I was amazed at- I thought the difficult part was over but now have to work out why I’m not successfully implanting. I think I’ve worked it out... but convincing the doctors is another thing!
Your post is very much how I’m feeling at the moment just realising now my other half is not doing so well and he is always the one that is the strongest between the two of us.
You have lots of courage to be trying again I can’t bring myself to try again just now, it has truly broke me this time, and now we are self funding and have to research lots of clinics so will be a while we both think.
Someone told me and I didn’t want to do it but “be kind to yourself” and fingers crossed for your next treatment. X
Hey ladyluck... sounds like you’ve not had much luck. Just been reading over your posts. How are you? What a rollercoaster you’ve been on.
I don’t know where I’ve found the strength to go for another round. But then I don’t know where someone would find the strength to say they aren’t going to try anymore.
hey hunny..you go girl what strength to give this another go..sounds to me like you are both ready. your post echoed a lot with how I am feeling..yes 2017 was crap but I found myself saying so was 2016, 2015 and here we go again 2018. .I feel either way soon this ivf journey will end for us purely as not sure I got much left psychologically and physically and also financially. I know about the weight gain and gin being my new best friend too 😯I am the biggest I have ever been and am building up to standing on the scales this morning and an off gin, back at gym and eating healthier too. we are all booked for a scratch in a few weeks then our two frosties 😯 do go number 5 now..that's lucky yeah??so I will be here right with you this year and yeah I worry about my hubby too. it is so hard for them.I am calling today for more counselling as we both found that helped. anyway good to have you back and here anytime for you xxxxxx
I love this. I think we women get so fixated on wanting a baby that we don’t realise how much it affects our partners too. It sounds like you have a good one there and I think we’ve all been guilty of neglecting them. IVF is sh*t. But it’s less so if you’re a team battling it together. Good luck my lovely. I really hope it works this time xx
Aww Emu. I've not been on here for a little while but I couldn't skip past your post. You and Mr Emu are often in my thoughts. I have often wondered how you are doing. So thank you so much for sharing this post which is so heart felt.
I honestly hope 2018 is a kind year for you guys such a strong, brave and inspirational couple who very much deserve their dream ending. I hope 2018 is the year we hear of baby emu.
Hi there. How are you dear? I can totally understand your feelings. You must stop drinking btw. Alcohol is the most dangerous thing to destroy life. I wish you all the best. Take care of your diet and health.
Wao, heads off to you and your husband. You both really look very determined people. I can understand how emotional and physical pain you had faced in the past years but still i can see the hope inside you. No doubt, becoming the parents of your own child is the happiest feeling ever. Every couple dreams of it. I pray for you that all you and your husband's dream come true and in 2018 you get the wish of your life. Good luck and waiting to listen good news from your side.
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Hi Emu! I would like to thank you for starting ew year on such a positive note. I like your positivity. I wish you both a good and happy year with your dream of having a baby come true. Your post has encouraged many. And yes you should never give up and never lose hope. Work hard to reduce your weight. It will also improve your chances of conception.
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crossing everything x
