Regretting a stupid decision

Hello ladies, How are you all?

I had cervical cancer a decade ago. There were two treatment modes. Radiotherapy and hysterectomy. My doctor offered me the radiotherapy as there's always a chance it won't affect your ovaries and they won't stop working. I’ve never relied on a thought of meeting a wonderful and loving man. And I never cared about children. All that was left for me and all that I desired for was my career. And I just thought if I have no person to have a baby with or even a wish of a child, why would I need my womb? So I had a hysterectomy. God, how stupid! It was such a reckless action on my part. I actually met that wonderful man three years ago. And we want to have a baby now. But he doesn’t know that I can't get pregnant. I just couldn;t find the right moment and the right words to tell him the truth! You know it isn’t like I forgot about his birthday. And now I’m so ashamed of not telling it to him. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know how to say that I can’t carry a child. I don’t know what to do with that either. Please somebody help me..

18 Replies

  • First of all, I wanted to say, that you shouldn't blame yourself. We all make mistakes. Now you should string yourself up to tell him the truth. I know it is hard, but honestly, it is not a big deal for people who really love each other.

    Actually, I know what you are going through. I've been diagnosed with the 4th stage of endometriosis. My doctor had recommended me to go for surrogacy. And now I have two beautiful twins, Samantha and Samuel. I can't advice you, as I'm don't know much about cancer and hysterectomy. Maybe other people here could help you

  • I wouldn't say it was a stupid decision... It was the right decision at the time. What if you didn't have a hysterectomy and your cancer came back?! Who knows. Have you and your partner spoke about having children? If not, the right time probably hasn't come up. Is there ever a right time? If he loves you, he'll understand. Did you have a total hysterectomy or have you got ovaries? If so, you could have IVF via a surrogate? I'm surprised they didn't offer you egg freezing? Best of luck in whatever you decide.

  • Thank you so much for your words! Regretting my decision for almost a year. It is such a relief to read your words!

    Yeah, it's been almost a week since I started this thread, but I couldn't find the right moment to speak with my DH on this matter. So yes, probably there is not such thing as the right moment.

    I had a partial hysterectomy. So my ovaries should be at their places. But I remember the doctor speaking of inability to carry a baby. That's why surrogacy is the only option for me I guess. But I don't know much about it. What shall I do next? Who should I contact?

  • Oh bless you what an awful choice to have to make when you were younger and not sure of what you wanted. You can't blame yourself for making that decision, you make the right choice at the time for your health. If this man is really the man that you are meant to be with and have a family with then he will understand and continue to love you, though he may need some time to come to terms with everything. Find the right moment and the best way to communicate this to him then take it one step at a time. I hope that he is understanding and that you can find a way to have your family. Good luck to you both x x x

  • Thank you, thank you, thank you for your understanding!! These are the words of blessing after eating at my soul for almost a year! I don't actually think there will be ever a right moment for such things. I'm going to speak to him this evening no matter what. I just hope all going to be fine. Thank you so much again!

  • I hope everything went well for you x x x

  • So, yesterday’s evening I told him all the truth. He didn’t interrupt me, listened to carefully and till the moment I explained what hysterectomy exactly is all were going brilliantly. But after he heard words “I can't bear a child” I felt like I lost my face with him. He wasn’t mad with me he just said that it is hard and left home. I didn't sleep all night, waiting for him to come back or just call me. I've called him a million times. But I had no answer! And still nothing from him!! I"m so worried and so nervous! What am I supposed to do!?

  • Oh my love I'm so sorry, I hope you've heard from him now but if you haven't the best thing you can do it give him some time. It must be difficult for him to process everything. I hope that he returns to you soon so you can work through this. If you are both committed to each other and to finding a family then you will find a way. Keep in touch if you wish, sending love x x x

  • Ah bless u Hun, it is a terrible situation to be in but the decision was right for u at the time! I think if u have started to talk about kids, u will need to be honest as soon as possible.i would explain how this all happened and b as honest as possible.if he is true, he won't be angry with u that things are more complicated for u to have children together but he may be upset that u didn't let him know before-give him some time to digest it.he loves u, he will come round xxx

  • Hey, thank you so much for your words!! Actually we planned to talk about kids in the last week, but it delayed. Maybe it would be better to start conversation talking about kids and open floor for the main problem. But I definitely going to speak with him today. Thank you so much again!

  • No worries, good luck.let us know how u get on xxx

  • Sorry, I have no strength to write it again. I've recently replied to Diane and MommaBear. But in short, I told him all yesterday's evening. He said that this is too hard adn left home. It's been almost 12 hours, but I still have no answer from him. I'm so worried about him. I don't know what to do..

  • Ah Hun, so sorry to hear that! I'm sure he just needs some time to take it all in. Everyone's different so who knows if it will take him a few days or longer but he knows he will need to speak to u again as it can't just be left like that. I honestly hope that his love for u will bring him back to u one he has had a chance to think things thru.This will have been a big shock to him -he just needs to digest it.

    I hope u have a friend close by who can spend some time with u

    Sending big hugs xxx

  • Hi sussaris. As the others have said, you had to make a decision, and the one you made was the correct one for you. You had a potentially life threatening condition, and it was so important that you survived it - which you did. Nobody knows what the future holds, and it is great that you have found someone special to love. You will find the right time to tell him about your past, and I feel that if he truly loves you, he will support you through any decision to either try surrogacy or even adoption. Perhaps you still have your own ovaries that could be used, so that you can have your own genetic baby. You could have a chat with your GP to arrange a session of counselling, along with your partner, so as to discuss what has happened and how best to cope with it all. Obviously, I wish you well with whatever decision you do make and of course for success. Thinking of you. Diane

  • Hey, Diane. Thank you for your reply and such warm and encouraging words! I'm going to speak with my partner this evening no matter what. I've been dragging my feet for too long! I hope we will discuss all the ways to have a baby and decide on one! Thank you all for your advice so much!

  • Hi susarris. My pleasure. Do let me know how you get on if you can. Diane

  • Sure I can. But it is so hard. It so hard for me even to breath. I told him all the truth. All went well till the moment I said I can't carry a child. I bet it was too much of this lie for him. He said that this is too hard and just left home. He does not answer my calls! It's been more than 12 hours, but still nothing from him! I don't know what to do!!

  • Hi susarris. So sorry to hear this, but as you realise it will have been lots for him to take in. You have had to deal with it over the years, and it is all new to him. It will take time for it all to sink in and digest. I think it will be a real test of his love for you, so I really hope that giving him a bit of time, hopefully he will be in touch so you can talk it over.These things are never easy, but I do wish you well with it all. Gentle hug - Diane