So today a neighbour walked past me pushing her 3 month baby (her 3rd child). He was so adorable and kept smiling at me every time I spoke to him ❤️ My heart melted. She then asked when we were going to have one and I just didn’t know what to say. It’s such a hard question, I just said “Ah one day” but part of you just wants to be honest and the other half of you knows your neighbour doesn’t need to know. All 3 of my neighbours have more than one child and it makes you feel like the odd one out.. especially when it’s all you wanted and your trying so hard 😢
How do you ladies get around this question? Xx
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Sunshineraye
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I always say the same as you - hopefully one day. Every-time I’m not feeling well at work someone always asks if I’m pregnant - really annoys me. Also I was interrogated by a old family friend the other day she was asking why I didn’t have kids and asking how long I had been married for (I could see her brain ticking)- felt like punching her.
I get this often , I now say , it isn’t that easy or we can’t have. And shuts everyone up. Was sick fed up of the constant remarks and now I quite enjoy seeing there faces when I say I can’t have. End of convo.
Yes you are right! I don't know why people can't think before they speak. I have a 13 year old so we have been trying for over 10 years now for a second and it does shut people up when you say 'actually we are trying, it's not always so easy!' It does (I hope) make people think.
It's also hard for my daughter, people always say to her ' why haven't they given you a brother or sister yet?' That's more upsetting for me :(. xx
It’s a tough one. When people ask me I don’t want to say anything as it’s not just my issue, it’s my partners as well - he wouldn’t want everyone to know our business.
We try and make the most of our child-free life while we can with plenty of date nights, travel, experiences, hobbies etc, and I usually say to those who ask that we’re too busy enjoying each other and living life to the full right now.
In all honesty, often when I say this their faces drop a bit and it feels like I’ve touched a nerve with them. It makes me think that maybe they don’t have the sort of relationships they might want with their partners - perhaps their relationships are all about the kids and not about their love anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for them, and though I’ve said something hurtful when actually their question was insensitive!
I guess my point is that it hurts when they ask us as they’ve clearly not struggled as the lovely people on here have, but they’ve likely had their own struggles. Perhaps their partner never really wanted to be a parent, or isn’t interested in them anymore. Maybe the only joy they have is their child.
Obviously we all want to be parents, it would be a dream come true. But I have to constantly remind myself that the wish for a child came from the love between me and my partner. That will always be there. How lonely would I be if I had a child but not that love?
Stay strong, it does hurt. It helps to have a prepared answer I think so you’re not caught out. And just post on here whenever you need support xxx
My husband and I went to a local pub for dinner yesterday, our dog came too.Next tables children were obviously in love with the dog and kept offering her the free dog treats from the bar which then meant we began a conversation with said children and grandparents.
Then out of the blue the 7yr old boy asked me if I had a ‘kid’.
I felt like I’d been punched and said no just a dog.... he looked me right in the eye said ‘well you should’.
The simplicity of children...
Honestly, could be the hormones racing through me or the looming scan date to check that the lining is ready for transfer but I have never felt so disembodied- I could not describe my feelings.
But I did want to stare right back at that little boy and say ‘ I’m doing everything I bloody can!’ and gnash my teeth!!!
I am actually really open and honest about it with everyone. I tell them about my miscarriages and quite often I get told they've also had them in the past. Sometimes opening up encourages others to open up.
I also get a look of sadness and pity when I tell people we're doing IVF and I'm quick to tell them it's actually a good thing! People don't know what they don't know. I try to think that they're well intentioned and not out there to make me feel worse.
I find it incredibly rude when people ask such personal questions about having children. It really triggered my anxiety for years about going to social situations and being asked. My therapist and I talked a lot about the best response and came up with “why do you want to know?”. In reality when I was asked a few months ago I said “now there’s a question” and stared at him. He then mumbled around “oh yes, it can be a sensitive subject” I just smiled and he walked away.
The other issue around asking about kids is the presumption that everyone wants children. I’m now 40 and have had to find a whole new group of friends that don’t have kids for my own sanity. These are a mixture of people who can’t have kids or don’t want to have kids. People really need to learn to mind their own business coz it is an offensive question from both camps.
The bonus of turning 40 and not having kids is that people begin to presume you either don’t want them or can’t have them and know they’re opening a can of worms if they ask, so they just don’t bother.
It's a hard one. At the beginning I would just avoid the question as if It didn't matter to me... Later on I realised that one of the difficult things about fertility problems is the secretism that surrounds It: at first it seems like it is so easy for everybody and you just feel like a freak! But then you open up and many people share their experiences. I think normalising It can only help, so lately when asked, I would reply subtly but clearly to any good listener: "We would really like to" or "we are considering adoption" that was also true. This type of answers would normally find empathy in the people and hopefully also change the social appreciation 😃
People can be quite rude about it and sometimes wish I had been abit more honest about it but at the same time it’s none of their business! I always blamed my career or fancy holidays. Too busy enjoying myself and my marriage child free. I’m now in the lucky position where I am pregnant but I’ll still be making sure I enjoy my fancy holidays. Xx
I find it really hard too! My favourite neighbor kept on insisting we should try for a baby and even if I do like her, she does not need to know about the struggles. When you are really open and honest, sometimes people feel you are absolutely fine talking about it and feel ok to spread the news as you seem totally comfortable with dealing with it although in the end it is just you getting better at acting because you learnt that breaking down in tears and running off is a worse alternative and you keep it together until you are at home. I hate it... Spring seems to trigger people as well, I get a lot of baby questions at the moment (also happily referring to my increasing age and time that I am married). Some I tell, some I explain how painful those questions (or suggestions!) can be, some I just do smalltalk with, smile, run home and am sad.
It saves the lies in the future. My brother has called me selfish for 15 years... never again. I’m not selfish for not having children, I am infertile... I am not proud, but I am not silent. Women shouldn’t suffer in silence.
You are a strong woman! I totally agree with you and I guess that is what I would possibly do if it was just up to me. Husband does not want to spread the word, also people start asking what the exact problem is (do you get those questions?) and it is both of us. When i say pcos as it is for me they google and tell me happily it is all not that bad as I "just" need hormones to ovulate. I am grateful that it is "just" pcos for myself but the more difficult bit is that my husband has zero sperm and he does not want this to be open at all, and this is certainly his decision and not mine and fair enough. So I am lying anyway and can save myself the hassle of all the questions... People seem to feel that if you are open and say we struggle with fertility, you are happy to go into details 🤷♀️ Setting borders can be as hard as not saying anything.
I’m totally open, as I own my own business. I was tired of people keep saying ‘awwwr slacking off again’, or can you do this, do that...
It became tiring that people kept demanding things and I couldn’t commit. So I told them. My husband didn’t at first agree, but now thinks it’s a great idea, as he can talk to his mates about it
So interesting to read responses to this - it’s a question / conversation I still dread! Reading on here what people say makes me feel less alone with it all. Weirdly I’m waiting for my neighbour to ask “why” we don’t have children, he’s 67 and has a toddler 🤷♀️ xxx
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