New here, would appreciate any help

Hello. I am Lisa. I do not think that my age matters in this case. I am from Finland. Recently I went through the remission after years of fighting the uterus cancer. I went through a lot and finally I am able to recover. With this, I also underwent a partial uterus removal surgery. It had to be done. I am married for a couple of years already and when I was diagnosed with cancer I thought that everything will be ruined for me in this life, but my dh was there for me, his support helped me find peace in this life and when I was told that the cancer was beaten after all of what has happened to us, I couldn’t believe it. I was so used to this thought that I am sick, I need to go to the dr almost every single day and even I had to spend a lot of my life time in the hospital. I do not know if all of that is relevant to anyone, but it is the explanation of my current situation. I want to have kids and the best place to get the advice on this matter is the fertility form as this one. I am unfamiliar with all the process of the fertility treatment, but I am sure that I will need to go through surrogacy. I do not know how it works but I know that I will not have anything in common with the child. So I would like to ask what should I do, I am thinking about choosing the adoption or maybe it would be better to stick with surrogacy?

Thanks.

30 Replies

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  • Hello! Sad to read that you had to undergo the surgery. But I think that it was inevitable. So I am happy that you have recovered. Correct me if I am wrong but you will have to undergo surrogacy because there is a risk of the cancer coming back? Have you consulted with your gp or something? Or maybe you went to the fertility specialist in your country?

  • Yeah, I am thinking so too, it is kind of inevitable for me in order to stay healthy. And it is not like the risks are low or something. The chances are really high, and I will have to opt for the fertility treatment. I haven’t had the chance to know more about the surrogacy so I do not particularly understand what it is. My doctor just said that it will be impossible for me to have kids on my own. That’s all I know. Also I know that the stimulation, the procedure every woman undergoes in order to produce the most amount of egg cells for the fertilization, this thing is impossible for me, because of my cancer. This is the stigma I will have to deal for the rest of my life. In my country, unfortunately, the surrogacy is forbidden. And I don’t know what to do.. That’s why I am asking about adoption and surrogacy, what is better between them?

  • You know the surrogacy is not the hardest thing in the fertility tx especially for those women who will have to opt for surrogacy de. between two options i would like to advise you to surrogacy. You can't imagine the happiness that will fill your heart up when you finally get to meet your kids!

    Of course you won't be related to your kid in any way but at least your dh will be a father!

  • This is what makes me shiver. I mean I won't be a biological mother to my own kids and it is what makes me sad and depressed. I am questioning this choice but I think I will still be choosing surrogacy over adoption just because my dh gets to be a father to his own kid. But the thing is.. I can't imagine how I will feel myself when I see the babies..

  • I do not see it as a huge problem. Sure your family will be created in an untraditional way but that doesn't mean that you won't have the right to call the baby yours. because as for me mother of the child is the woman who raises him and not only delivers him. There is a difference between those two things. If you are afraid that the kid won't be yours you should just forget about your worries and think about what you can do with this baby so he grows up and becomes someone great.

  • You are right but I can do nothing with what I am going through right now. I feel like this kid won't be mine by any means and that it will bring me to the edge. I want to have a family, a full house of kids voices and their happiness. But what can I do at this point? Where will my fear bring me? I understand how meaningless all of my words are but what can I do?

  • Hun, maybe you should get some professional help/ I am not saying that you are crazy or anything but with this attitude you won't get anywhere trust me you need to believe that everything will be just fine and that this kid you are going to get will be loved by you and your dh.

    You know it is never late to go for surrogacy.

  • Hi. This question is really hard. I know what it is to have this desire to have your own kids and on the other hand there are a lot of kids who really need our help, who need a family. It is up to you what to choose, because if you choose adoption with no particular desire to adopt a kid, it won’t be good for anyone. I do not quite understand what bothers you with the surrogacy, so you want to opt for the adoption..

  • I agree with you on this, I think I would rather have the kid born from my dh’s sperm than adopt one, at least it is like this for now. The thing is I do not quite know and understand what to do, because in my country the surrogacy tx is forbidden…

  • You can go internationally. There’s no problem.

  • Internationally? I do not think that I am capable of something like this. Dealing with all of the stress around looking for the clinic, relying on someone’s opinion, travelling around the world, trying to understand if this is what you really want. I am not sure that I am ready to deal with all of this.

  • And those words are coming from the woman who managed to beat the cancer? You have overcome a lot and you are not afraid of all those little things that follow everything in this world? If you want my opinion nothing is harder than not having a child and wanting to have one. This inability that follows so many of us is the worst thing on the planet. Yes, I know that I am exaggerating but in reality I feel like that and can do nothing with this.

  • Yes, from me.. I am nervous and scared and can't seem to get myself accept the reality. I desperately want to have my own kids but it is impossible..

    You said that going internationally is not that hard, but is it really? Even with having no other choice I can't make myself trust the doctors and the clinics that are not located near me..

  • You know.... You should think of it like of something that will make you 100 times stronger that will give you your strength and make you better. I know that it is hard to accept that you are not able to be a mother anymore but you shouldn’t look at the reality through pink glasses.

    But you will be safe with the contracts you are signing, they are very simple and clear and you can also show them to your lawyer so you will be sure that everything will be okay. There is nothing hard about going internationally, you just find the clinic and then the managers will tell you what to do.

  • For me it is better to choose surrogacy, because at least it will be your husband’s child. It will be at least someone you could relate to in some ways. Because it is really hard to raise the kid you don’t have the connection with.

    And the adoption is a hard process. I do not know how it is done in Finland but in many countries it is very difficult. And at least you can choose how your kid will look like if you choose the surrogacy de.

  • Surrogacy de? I am not sure what that means.. Can you explain please? But isn’t surrogacy as hard as the adoption? In Finland surrogacy is forbidden so I do not know why I even opt for it in the first place

  • It’s surrogacy on donor’s eggs. It seems like you are unable to be stimulated because of your cancer as you have written earlier. That’s why you were advised to the surrogacy apart from your uterus problem. It’s way easier than adoption, because the kid will be yours in a year or so when if you choose to adopt the whole process could take like from a year to 3 or even 5. You would have to make some documents, than there will be a lot of the tests. I do not know the whole thing but the surrogacy for us was performed so easy and quick. I would rather choose surrogacy than adoption.

  • But I thought that the surrogate mother will be fertilized, or her eggs and then she will be carrying my kid for the rest of the term. Is it necessary to use de?

  • In Ukraine, where I have been getting my tx, it is. There the traditional surrogacy is forbidden so you will have to use both and the surrogate and the donor. But do not worry the matching time won't become longer from what it is going to be anyways, because they look for a donor really quick.

    in many countries you are going to be able to use only the surro mom that agree herself to become your personal baby carrier, but there every surro mom can potentially be yours it depends on a lot of things.

  • The choice you are thinking about if definitely up to you. it depends on what you think would be better for you and your dh. But you have to understand everything about surrogacy in adoption. I can only advise you on the surrogacy matter. Ask me everything you are interested in.

  • Would you be so kind and explain me how the surrogacy works? I know only a little from Wikipedia and some forums’ threads. I do not think that this is enough. I am a newbie in this fertility world and I am scared that with my lack of knowledge I would not be able to make the best decision or I would just make mistakes that will lead to something more serious than just losing my money.

  • That’s a great point you have made. You know the surrogacy in every country differs and you have to understand that In each country there are the law system that influences the surrogacy treatment in a particular country. So you have to think about it too. For example, in Ukraine ot in Canada you will have to be married in order to proceed for the surrogacy program.

  • If I am married that means that I will be accepted no matter what?

  • Basically yes, but you have not only be married but also you need to have a proof that you can't carry a baby on your own + you will have to give the results of analysis to the clinic's drs (your karyotype, serology tests and your blood group and rh test). That if you are going to be stimulated, but if not you won't have to undergo tests, it's only your dh who will have to provide the clinic with all of the results so his sperm is proven okay.

  • Can I ask you why are you thinking about the adoption already? For me it’d be evident that the first thing to try has to be surrogacy, because it will help your family to have the kid not only with your dh’s dna (as I have understand that you won’t be stimulated) but also you will choose his or her features. And in some clinics there is even the possibility to choose the gender of your kid.

  • Choosing the features? Yes, I will be able to do so, but the surrogacy seems really difficult to me. For me there is no difference between surrogacy and adoption processes. The thing is that here in Finland it is impossible to have kids through surrogacy and I didn’t have the chance to consult with the fertility expert. So I can’t be sure in what it is going to be when I decide to stick with the surrogacy…

  • Oh honey there is a huge difference! At least one of you can be a biological parent if you choose to use the surrogacy and if you are more likely to choose the adoption that will be really helpful for the child you will be adopting but will it use all of your motherly potential? I don't think so. Yes, choosing the features of your donor, you will be provided with donor's database in a lot of clinics, there you have the lineup of women that will provide you with their egg cells if you want. And there you can choose one or two and the doctor will advise you on which one is the best match for you. So you will be able to make your child look as you.

  • The issue here is that I won't be using my own eggs and I won't be a biological mother to my kid. That's the problem. But I think that I'll go for a surrogacy this time. I have heard that there clinics where you get into the program and you have unlimited amount of attempts and you will be definitely getting the positive outcome. That's a lot better than stressing out over the amount of document work when adopting a child.

    I would like to meet the donor, I hope that we can form some kind of a friendship. I have heard a lot of cases like this.

  • It is a hard decision, most surrogates I know do not use their own eggs. They are just the vessel that grows the baby. You will have an egg donor that closely matches your characteristics and hubby's sperm. Then a woman will Carry the embryos til birth. It will be legally yours, your clinic will help you with the paperwork. The child will be born in the surrogates own country.

    It can be done, but it isn't cheap or without stress!

    Good luck with your decision.

  • Thank you for your reply. I have been getting a lot of advices lately and yours is one of the best ones I have gotten. Thank you for the brief explanation, I think that I will use the surrogacy option, cause of my hubby. I can't leave him without the chance of having his own kids. I know that he loves me and he won't ever leave me and he will do everything for me, so I have to sacrifice something. It's not like I do not want to undergo surrogacy I am just scared.

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