Is treatment taking over my whole world?

A friend said to me yesterday, that she thought my treatment was taking over my whole world and that I don't focus on anything else. Well that maybe the case and I'm probably the first to admit to it; I've not got a job because it is hard to fit temping in in-between treatment dates, my part time degree course is on hold as I'm on the summer break and so there doesn't seem to be much else going on and I don't know many other people in the area. I'm also doing this all on my own!

I've found people to be really against what I'm doing, yet I know that if I don't try everything, then I could regret it later on (I'm already in my 40's)! This so called friend said she didn't want to share my journey - well I guess I'm not going to want to talk to her about it any more then am I?!

The saying - 'just rely on yourself' is proving to be very true, sadly!

37 Replies

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  • No true friend should ever say that to you! Thats horrible! It does take over everyones life but thats normal, you have to give it your best shot no matter how you do it, as long as whatever the outcome you have no regrets on what you think you should have done then thats all that matters. Remove negative people from your life, its stressful enough as it is without people you think are friends making you feel like that xx

  • Thank you for your response. You are so right but when you only have a couple of friends which give you a little social life, I guess you get a bit caught up in it all sometimes x

  • Even though I knew this journey would be hard, I still felt that I needed to do it for myself but sadly not many people agree!

    Your right about people not understanding if they aren't in your situation and when I put this to this 'friend' she replied, that her friend had triplets on her own by IVF, balanced a job and did just fine, making me out to be the one over reacting! Well, everyone is different aren't they and I've always said that it's an easy thing to say when you aren't faced with it yourself!

    Thank you x

  • Thank you - I do feel a bit lost but will keep trying to find ways of meeting others.

    I only have a very small family but no other females to confide in really - it's a bit tough but you've got to keep going! x

  • Before starting treatment i didn't realise how much of my energy would take up. Treatment does tend to take over. I did try to limit talking about tteatment unless people asked. Clearly this person isn't a true friend and appears to lack empathy. At least she's been honest about the fact she doesn't want or can't help you on your journey. As sad and disappointing as it is you may have to drop her. Perhaps as you've got time on your hands you could join some low cost clubs or classes to meet new friends?

    It's no one's business but your own so try not to take notice of their comments.

  • It can be hard not to talk about it though can't it, especially when people say 'what do you do for a job'!

    I've found quite a lot of people to be like this, that they aren't very encouraging as to what I'm doing.

    I have tried to join a few groups but like a lot of general social groups, unless you go often, there isn't really a link with the people, there isn't a common interest between you. I guess perhaps to try and look at other more general groups, if or I should say when I have a child, the nursery groups will help with that connection.

    Thank you x

  • IVF does take over your life. I only started on this journey in January and I work full time (admittedly from home) but I'm struggling to concentrate and trying not to get distracted with Google and researching every little thing but it's hard. Plus we haven't told anyone about it so I try not to talk about it all of the time to OH as don't want to seem obsessed but I am! It's not easy when you've no one else to talk to and it really does start to take over your life. Even though we had a failed cycle and now it's going to be 3 weeks plus before our next appointment to start the FET process it's still all I think about and all I dream about.

    No true friend would say that to you....

    Stick with it and follow your dream

    Good luck

    Holly x

  • Thanks Holly - I've been on my journey for 1.5 years, it's a long time to put your world on hold and even though I'm scared in lots of ways, I still feel it's the right thing to do. I've had 3 tries which were all fails sadly and now using donor eggs.

    I would like to get a job from home but finding one to fit in with everything else almost seems impossible!

    Good luck to you too x

  • Aw that's so sad you would hope a friend would support you more given the fact your doing this on your own. I think IVF does take over, as its a lot to contend with and don't think people fully understand the emotional drain it has on you if they haven't experienced it. But good news you still have us, so please talk to everyone on here and get the support you need xxx

  • Thank you - when you read other people's blogs, I often think, it's a shame we don't all live nearer as we would make a great support group!

    Good luck to you x

  • The beauty of this forum means that we already are a great support group to each other wherever we all live! πŸ˜‰

    Your "friend" sounds like a she's not being very kind to you. If she's not able to talk about IVF with you then I'd either dump her sorry behind or choose to be the bigger person and remain friends but don't include her in the IVF conversations. Having said that, I used to work from home and I became obsessed (more so than now! πŸ˜‰) with IVF and it wasn't healthy. I do think it's good to have some hobbies or other interests for some respite from the whole thing. You need to think about you and your own sanity throughout this long and very emotional journey. (I know I do! 😊) Sometimes a change of scene or distraction can help, so whilst it's not ideal with your friend, maybe she could be your "distraction"? Do what feels right.

    Good luck lovely πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€ x

  • I feel that I can't talk to her now and if we were to meet up, I wouldn't really know what to say to her as not much else exists really! I do some voluntary work, at a support and advice centre for 11 - 25 year olds and go along to the odd social event but not a lot else.

    She isn't going to apologise so I guess that's the end of that friendship. What she does like talking about is herself!!

    All the best to you too x

  • I know it would be great X

  • Oh my goodness! I'm sure I've got on a lot of my friends nerves over the last few years going on about my journey but I just don't know what I would do if one of them said anything like that to me!! I think that's just about as insensitive as u can get & a true friend would offer support on this journey-especially knowing u r doing it on your own!! God forbid she is ever in a similar situation.

    You are doing the best you can.not everyone meets the perfect guy, gets pregnant at the drop of a hat & lives happily ever after! We r so lucky that we r living in a time where things can be done differently and more options are available to us. I,for one, really respect that u have taken the courage to do this on your own!!u know what u want & u r going for it!!

    I don't think this girl deserves your friendship but if you are not ready to let her go then u really need to tell her how much she has hurt u. But To be honest, she must realise how awful what she said is so really she should be coming to u apologising.

    Sorry for the rant but I'm so angry at her on your behalf!!

    U have the support of all of us on here thru your journey.the last thing you need right now is stress affecting your treatment so try your best to leave this memory behind.

    Xxx

  • Well some how I've not managed to meet new friends who understand my journey and what I'm going through. When I read her comment, I thought, if it was the other way round (and I understand that it has taken over my life) then I would try when I could to do things with her to get her out and give her time. She isn't ever going to be in my position as she already has a 14 yr old son and didn't want any more children. She even had the cheek to say - I was lecturing her when I said 'I didn't expect her to understand as she isn't going through it'! She isn't one for apologising either!

    Ideally, I would of preferred to of met a guy and had a family in the 'normal' way but due to a few rather nasty relationships, I thought it was best to try for a baby on my own, otherwise I may never of had the chance.

    I don't think she thinks what she has said was wrong as I have already mentioned that I was hurt by her comment and haven't had any reply!

    Thank you for your wise words x

  • She doesn't sound like a good person.id let her go! I should also see if the fertility clinic u deal with or any local ones have a support group! They are normally free to attend & then it just means u can meet people that are in a similar boat to u x

  • Where I go for my clinic is a fair distance from where I live! I have to allow 3 hours to get there!! So I've thought of that! I've also looked on the Meet Up website to find one local to me but there isn't anything in this area so it seems! It would be a good idea though x

  • Oh that's a real shame there's nothing local to u.maybe worth asking on here if anyone is local to your area that would be up for a coffee & a chat?x

  • I did that before on here but worth trying again! x

  • Worth a try, there may be new people on here that are nearer x

  • I think that's insensitive and lacks empathy, people do struggle to get their heads round fertility issues in general and often say the most insensitive things. I got told I needed to 'assess my options' the other day, I'm just starting second round of IVF!

    I hope you have some people you can talk to about it and confide in, talk about it all as much as you like on here :)

  • And what did you say, when they told you that?!

    I've had 3 rounds and about to start my next lot of treatment using donor eggs.

    Sadly, not many people to talk too, that's why I voiced my frustration on here tonight!

    Thank you for your comment x

  • It was sent to me via whatsapp if you can believe it, and there was a whole lot of other stuff in there about how it might cost my relationship with my husband, family etc. I cried for hours but I didn't dignify it with a reply. I'm cutting that person out of my life now (even though the inner child in me wants to unleash hell lol).

    Voice away :) Everyone needs to talk to people, especially those who can emphasise. When do you start the treatment? x

  • empathise I mean, not emphasise!

  • Who are they to judge your family lifestyle?! I think some people just want to cause problems. It does make you mad though doesn't it, if we let them.

    I read some where - we have the keys to our lifestyle!

    Well my treatment is spread out over a few months as its using donor eggs and sperm! I saw the nurse yesterday but scans should be in about 3.5 weeks and transfer is due beginning of August! So a long wait which isn't easy!

    Good luck to you x

  • Friends are there to help you when you need them. Who you describe is not a true friend. So what if it takes over your life at this time. It's a long journey made even harder as we travel it alone. Stick at it though, your time will come to be a mum. Stay positive and ignore those who try to bring you down.

  • Thank you - it certainly is a long journey!

    I don't know that many people and when the few you know try to bring you down, you feel like your faced with it alone but I guess that's what makes us stronger! x

  • You're not alone. I know it's taken over my whole world. It's all I talk about anymore. Luckily most are supportive. My older sister isn't, and my parents just sort of don't want to talk about it. It's completely natural for this to take over its your whole future and life after all. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it xxxx

  • Thank you - I would hold on to those who are supportive!

    My mum is, although it's got to a stage where she thinks - I've heard it all before!!

    All the best x

  • Wishing you all the best on your journey - remember it is your life and don't let others make you feel bad for what you are doing

    I've only told a couple of trusted friends, my mum and my sister. Had mixed reactions my 2 friends very supportive, my mum needed to understand more before she was supportive and my sister has said some unkind things. I've suffered with an autoimmune disease and depression for 4 years before this which impacted my fertility greatly - my sister just said if you have a baby it will all come back. I took this to heart and was really upset about it. However focusing on positive things others say has helped. But do seek out the support you need xxx

  • I can see how depression could come about with waiting for treatment to start if you don't work. I have so much time that I feel a bit depressed from time to time but it is manageable as I've learn't to deal with it.

    When people knock you, it can be hard to get over it - I wish I wasn't so affected sometimes. It's easy for others to say what you should do when they aren't faced in that situation, maybe you sister is just a little concerned, you may find that she will be there for you when you have your baby.

    Good luck to you too x

  • Oh hun I'm so sorry your friend feels that way. If she was a true friend she'd be supporting you regardless. Ivf is a stressful time and it does take over your life. I've been doing ivf on and off for 20 years some friends not bothered but my closest friends are still on the journey with me. Your not on your own hun remember that xx

  • Thank you - I do have a couple of true friends but they live a fair distance from me so I haven't seen them in years - Ireland and Cornwall. You read about people having those strong friendships to help them through but I've not got any like that at the moment and its harder to make friends as you get older but I do look for opportunities. Nursery groups would be a great way and even the NCT x

  • Wow....it really is amazing how insensitive people that haven't been through this process can be. They also can't imagine what it would be like to be in our situation. I personally have only told my closest friends and family as I feared that people might have moral disagreements with my decision. I have mainly confided in my sister who has been a total rock through this but with other friends and family I haven't really given much detail. Ofcourse treatment monopolizes your life because of the huge number of appointments, diet and drink restrictions, and a desire to get enough rest, etc. It's also been hard for me to meet up socially with friends that have kids as they have no idea how hard it is when you can't have one and they spend a lot of time complaining about the ones they have! So yes, it has affected my social life and even my professional life which I totally stopped for a period when I first started treatment in a bid to reduce stress. (Funnily enough I found that more stressful, so took up work again after 6 months, hehe!)

    If this "friend" is saying that, I would step away as others have said. Life is too short to have people around that are "toxic" or damaging. Sometimes we have to find ways to cope with toxic family members that we can't just disown, but when it comes to friends there is a time when you have to put yourself first. If that means keeping your distance from a friend, then do it!

  • Thank you - looks like I'm going to have to learn to just deal with things on my own! There aren't many other people left but I guess going it alone is better than with people who aren't supportive!

    I can't seem to get any work, in-between treatment tries so I have a lot of time to think which is a stress!

    x

  • Whilst I totally agree this friend is being insensitive I would disagree that this journey has to take over your life. In fact if it is doing so it may not be a good sign. It is often a sign that it is being fuelled by fear. Fear of not getting pregnant. That fear will be negatively impacting you and thus you create a vicious circle.

    I totally understand how it can so easily do that, I've been there. 10 years of it. However I can look back and see in my own life and my clients it's when we begin to truly realise we will be OK whatever happens we let go of the fear, we relax in to the moment more, it no longer takes over our life. It is from that place things are more likely to happen. I call it a place of peace without giving up. It does exist.

    It wasn't until I recognised how I believed that we would not be truly happy until we had a child I realised I was living life 'outside-in'. As in 'I'll be OK when/if X happens. And I'd been doing it pretty much all my life. It's like being on a hamster wheel it never gets there. We achieve the next thing, feel good for a while but then start seeking the next thing. Long lasting contentment and fulfilment doesn't come from anything on the outside.

    Contentment comes from within. Look at little children, they are not seeking something in order for them to be OK. They are just in the moment, exploring, being. That is our human nature. But then as we grow up we start to think our sense of OKness in some way is dependant on things on the outside. It may start with parents approval but then becomes other things.

    Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a baby, which is why I do what I do, helping people on their journey, but when we think it is a psychological need, if we think we need it to be happy, the fear of it not happening takes over. When in one hand we know we are OK as we are, can feel fully complete as we are then any goals/aspirations we have for life we hold more lightly and ironically we are more likely to create them as it is hard to create anything from a place of fear.

    8 years in to our journey we found out I was infertile, my results were disastrous. I did everything you can imagine to improve my results. The next test showed they were slightly worse!!

    This sent me in to a bit of a mini life crisis as I began to realise my strategy for happiness had come off the rails. I became aware of all sorts of limiting beliefs I had about myself and the world. I went on a journey and found a sense of peace. I began to believe I can create a life of happiness and contentment with or without a baby. It didn’t mean we were giving up but I felt so much more at peace about things. I started doing more things I love. I went on a journey to be more β€˜me’ in life and resigned for a job that wasn’t β€˜me’. 4 months later my wife was pregnant naturally. 1 in a billion chance we were told that could happen. I did a test result soon after and it had improved dramatically. I can see how I stopped focussing on Project Baby as my answer to happiness and focussed on Project Me.

    So I agree she was insensitive but I disagree it has to take over your life. Focus on Project You and Project Baby will take more care of itself. x

  • Thank you for your response. What you say does make sense, I wish I could focus on other things so I'm not always so baby minded ALL the time! The thing is; there are a lot of issues that need to change - ie- I haven't got my own home, in order to fund my treatment I had to give my home up and move in with family. This has caused a bit of a problem, as I miss having my own home and doing what I would like to do, especially at my age! I've not been able to get any temp work to do in between my treatment dates so a lot of the time, I'm left just wondering what on earth to do but I will keep going and keep trying to find things to do.

    Many Thanks, it was good having a reply from a male perspective x

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