Frustration and sadness is taking over

[Skittles11]

Hi ladies

I'm at a loss today. I have been coping well recently after my recent 5th (failed) IVF cycle where I only got 2 eggs, although both fertilised they didn't divide normally early on which is indicative of an egg issue. I am an emotional person who sheds tears at upsetting things usually but no tears have come to pass at this. Maybe I am not coping as well as I thought.

I had my debrief this week. I moved to this clinic after 3 attempts elsewhere, and a frozen which resulted in TFMR. I am trying to embryo bank which is useless when you have no embryos. I was disappointed that the clinic seemed to want to do the same protocol again. I told them I am not comfortable with this. To appease me they said they'll scan me Day 2 of the relevant cycle and then decide. I am with a well-resepcted clinic that I researched and chose carefully so I don't think the solution is to move clinics. Maybe in my case there is nothing they can change, maybe they have tried everything.

Sorry I am just feeling not good today. It will inevitably be linked to the fact my due date was supposed to be tomorrow for my baby that I lost to chromosomal problems via TFMR. A road nobody should ever have to walk.

I'm even finding it hard on here lately, feeling like I just can't catch a break to progress with things. I think maybe I am fighting a losing battle. My doctor remains optimistic but I am feeling like I have no confidence in anything ever working. Is it just false hope? All I have known when it comes to pregnancy is loss, I know I am not alone in that.

I guess I'm finding it difficult to organise my thoughts in to what to do next.

Thank you for reading my confused thoughts, I don't have a question as such unless anyone has any advice xx

[Hidden]

Oh lovely I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, I have no doubt its linked to tomorrow but also just a cumulation of everything that has happened and that constant 'keeping on'. You sound exhausted. I know what you mean about not crying. I stopped around my fourth miscarriage and haven't since. I remember a counsellor telling me I needed to but I was literally 'I can't and I don't really see the point, it doesn't change anything, I don't feel any better' - I was just numb, and very very tired.

I think we go through waves of feeling upbeat and then defeated, and sometimes just all of it gets on top of us, and that is now for you. I know what you mean about this forum, in good times its a beacon of hope and positivity, at bad times its just like a constant reminder everyone is getting what I haven't and sometimes much quicker and easier than I ever would have, and god that hurts.

I hate to say it but I wonder if you could just have a month or two break? Just to re-find yourself again? There is no magic fix as we all know, we have to be in it to win it and keep going to get to our goal. Its great news you have at least one great embie in the freezer and this round could have just been a hiccup, mine varied so much month to month it was bonkers. I am sure thats what your clinic is thinking, that one bad round isn't enough to give up hope.

The main thing is to give yourself a break and just get off the all consuming hamster wheel sometimes. Even a month off planning some nice stuff, eating/drinking what you want, trying to remember life and relationships before TTC could do you the world of good and give you some time to re-energise?

I agree I don't think changing clinics is necessarily the answer, but I think just a pause might be. Don't write yourself off as things can change dramatically round to round. But most importantly be kind to yourself, especially tomorrow.

Sending you heaps of love and hugs xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Daisy, you are so lovely. I know you're going through such a hard time of your own and yet you still find the strength to support so many others. You have such a good heart. I think I'm just having one of "those" days, I know you'll know the ones. I think you might be right in suggesting a break though xx

[Redsequin]

Hi lovely.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today and in general at the moment. I know I can't understand what you're going through, but like so many of us on here, I am rooting for you. I think Hidden 's idea is (as always) a very good one. Whenever I've felt lost in life a break or a change of scene with lots of healing nature, good company and lovely food/drink have always shifted something, even if only a tiny bit. You've been through so much: maybe your brain and heart are just too overwhelmed to make big decisions right now.

Thinking of you xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to Redsequin]

Thank you lovely and for your ongoing support. I know you are rooting for me. I think you and Daisy are right and I need to perhaps look at a bit of time away or time out. My heart and head need a rest. Thank you for your message, being "heard" and understood is half the battle I think xx

[Sunflower35]

Hi Skittles11. I am glad you are sharing with us and letting some of the frustration out. No doubt the due date will be a reminder of what you expected to have by now and also a reminder of your loss, I have been through the same plus having a close friend being due at the same time I was meant to be due and it was not just about the actual due date, but the fact that in my mind, what would have made me feel better is to be successful in getting pregnant before that date. I was very angry and we were both upset, but my husband kept me going by putting my focus on the next immediate step and back up plans while looking after my general mental health by planning other bits for us to enjoy. It is so hard to remain motivated and positive throughout this process and I think days like these are needed for you to process and keep going, as well as help you see the bigger picture where you can stop and think if there is something else you should be doing. Some of that should be allowing some self care and venting frustration and sadness. You can also refocus some of your frustration into building a plan (your next try) and a contingency plan (your back up plan) that would truly make you feel is the right next step. Have you thought about donor eggs at all? Or perhaps having a consultation with a clinic abroad to see if they have experience with your type of situation and have different recommendations? Or just even giving yourself a break from everything, i.e. a few weeks of no IVF planning? Whatever you decide, take care of yourself!

[Skittles11 in reply to Sunflower35]

Hi Sunflower. You've raised some really good points here that I can definitely relate to, in terms of what I don't have and what I was expecting / hoping to have by now. Certainly in terms of the sting being even more pronounced because I feel I've not made progress and am not pregnant on this significant date. I really appreciate your responses to my recent posts, I don't always reply because I don't want to block the feed but I am grateful for your input, especially as you've been in similar shoes. I think a plan and a back up plan are both much needed things I need to put in to practice. I guess the plan is difficult because the clinic are suggesting a repeat which I am uncomfortable with. I have started thinking of donor as a back-up but need to find out more about this as I don't know much and need to build my knowledge. My husband and I are currently looking at 1 or 2 weeks away somewhere for some rest and relaxation xx

[Sunflower35 in reply to Skittles11]

I get it, I think I would also get frustrated at repeating the same protocol knowing previous outcomes and it also sets you in a particular frame of mind from the start, adding more stress/other feelings to the process. I don’t know enough to advise alternative tests, but if your clinic has a good record, perhaps push them to discuss other options with you that could increase your chance of no. of eggs… I also think a little break may help to re-balance things and perhaps give your body a break (to get your eggs in a row) 🙃. Take care and don’t feel like you have to reply but I’m here whenever you need to vent! Xxxx

[Klndmr]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, I think at one point we just get kind of immunised if I can say it this way, and not even crying, of screaming would come out and we would just stand there as a stone with no feelings.As Daisy says sometimes a break does very good and is well needed. I was really overwhelmed couple of years ago after stimulations , transfers etc etc and I just thought to myself I need a break, I need to remember what it feels like to be happy. Maybe book a nice holiday in a hot country, buy yourself something you've wanted to buy for a long time. Just take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

And don't leave your clinic to keep use same protocols, I believe there is always something that can be changed and make a difference. You are not fighting a losing battle, just a hard one but at the end you'll be the winner, don't forget that!

Sending millions hugs, kisses and smiles your way! Stay strong ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

[Skittles11 in reply to Klndmr]

Hi lovely lady. I think you are right and after a certain amount of hearbreak we almost become "immunised". It's like getting hurt so many times that the intense pain stops and a numbness simply takes over. You refereed to a time in the past where you recognised you needed a break and to remember what it felt like to be happy. I feel this is what I need, I don't remember when I last felt that proper sense of happiness. What did you do to get that part of yourself back?

As for the second paragraph you wrote, I shared these words with my husband about "you are not fighting a losing battle, just a hard one, but at the end you'll be the winner". These words really touched me. Thank you so much for writing them.

Xxx

[Klndmr in reply to Skittles11]

I'm glad my words touched you! At the end of the day we are here for support but also to comfort each other when needed. I'll be honest with you and tell you what made me change my outlook to things. There are two things really.

I've decided to visit one of the support groups in my clinic 3 years ago. Two of the ladies I've met were having a really hard time and no matter what doctors told them, no matter what family and friends told them no support has helped them and they were so sad and desperate. I started talking to them and then I've made a decision, I will try to keep my sanity as much as I can in order to be strong and support the others around me who are really struggling and can't help it mentally. I don't know if it makes any sense but this has kept my mind really clear. In the last few years I made some online friendships with ladies going through IVF who had failed transfers, miscarriages and I've tried to be there for them every time they needed support and this really made me forget my struggle at times.

Second thing was losing my father. It was so unexpected and awful and I've told myself if I can deal with that I can deal with anything life throws at me. Because the problem I have has a solution and sooner or later it will be solved, but my father would never come back and he wouldn't want to see me sad and broken. So I've stayed positive and happy to make him proud!

Always remember, the best is just yet to come 🥰🥰🥰🥰🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️