Hey! Need your support guys

I do not really know what to do now. We're now in the middle of our 7th IVF attempt and yesterday my husband told me that this is going be the last one at least for him.

I can't. What to do? I am sorry if my message is incomprehensible but I am really devastated... We have experienced 6 failed IVF but it did not stop us. and we went for another 7th attempt on my own eggs. Well, this time I've asked my manager if it was possible to use also donor's eggs to make my chances to get pregnant higher... It became possible though only because we have changed clinics and I think that this was one of the factors that influence my husband's negativity towards IVF and continuing on. Now he says that he does not want to go through it again and if I want to try one more time after we fail this time too (he's completely sure that we are going to get BFN once again which is ridiculous...) I should count on myself only, he's out of it by now basically.

after all, I wasn't really sure that he should know about donor's eggs but I have told him anyways. He's already tired of it. But I am not. I feel like continuing with IVF or even surrogacy till I get the result.

43 Replies

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  • Morning btsd, I am so sorry to read your post and your upset.

    I can only imagine that your husband saying this has made you feel even more stressed about this cycle and the importance if it working.

    It may just be that he feels the treatment is taking over your life's. Have you spoke to him about how you feel and the lengths you would be prepared to go too before drawing a line?

    I'm not sure whether you mean you are trying a cycle with a mix of your own with DE also. I was not aware you could do that but I think if you tell him then it is also showing that you are trying different treatme ts to try and achieve success.

    You may just need to agree that after this cycle you will sit down and discuss the future as you never know this might just be it for you guys.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world on your journey xx

  • Hello! Thank you for your feedback!

    I have spoken to him about what's happening in our lives and have explained what I feel but I also can understand how he feels and what his motivation is too. He is definitely fed up with ivf and just wants to live his life but he can't do it because of all this stuff happening to us all of the sudden. even though it is our 7 th attempt you cannot just prepare yourself to receive bfn one after another. He says that he just wants to stop this hell and it begins to just kill him morally....

    You know I also thought that you just can only use either your eggs or donor's. But turns out you can do both. If you ask you manager. I doubt that it'd be possible if I wasn't in this clinic but that does not matter. he said that he was relieved because of this.

    we will be definitely discussing our future if we get negative.

  • Ah btsd this must be torture for you. My simple advice would be to say to your husband that you both need to be in a positive and upbeat place for this cycle so can you both agree that you don't discuss or assume the next step until this cycle has a positive or negative outcome.

    I remember my husband saying if we needed ivf we'd only ever do one cycle. That panicked me before we had begun!

    If it doesn't work? You maybe need to take a little break for each other... and write all your options down along with the pros and cons and as @LBM1979 mentioned ... maybe at that point agree how far you're willing to go before you stop ivf and explore another route xxx

  • I do not want a break and I believe that he does not want to take a break from me. this is just so hard to stay in the right mood and be positive and upbeat about ivf and your negatives. this is just wrong.

    I just hope that it will work! but honestly I do not know what to do with this. if he says that he wants to stop and won't be pursuing the ivf treatment journey and we won't be commencing another round of ivf... it'll kill me and I have told him that but he won't listen

    anyways, I hope that we will resolve it somehow but I do not know him to break up with me....

  • It doesn't sounds like he wants to break up. I never even thought that when I read your post. But I do think you need to talk and understand each other's needs and pains. But half way through a cycle won't be a good time to do it! xx

  • yes, maybe later. after we had received the results. but not earlier. well. but do you think that we should stop if he wants so?

  • I guess the other question to that is should you continue if you want to?

    Neither have right or wrong answers for both of you. Ivf is a big struggle. I know we'd have stopped after this one or an FET. But we'd already agreed this. I know I'd have found it very hard if it did come to ending it. Your husband might just want you back. You and no worries about treatment. You might find that a 3-6 month break is what needs x

  • we are going to be making a pause between 2 rounds but it'll be a necessary pause to allow my body to basically regenerate its powers. but no longer than 3 months. or if I am told that this is the last attempt for us. and we will be considering other ways. at least we did right when we signed just for 1 attempt and did not go for 2 or 5. which would be very sad if we did so and received a negative. as you see I am already preparing for BFN....

  • And I hope that all this conversation is wasted! Try not to worry. You need to be positive for your BFP xx

  • I know that I need to stay positive, that is what my manager says! She's always like hi bla bla bla and do not forget to stay positive. I am not sure whether or not to tell her about our situation... maybe she has something to advise?

    PS maybe you know anything to watch or read to keep my spirits high? :)

  • Stay positive. Tell your mind firmly that it is going to happen and keep on saying... If you are on middle now. Just concentrate on your health and focus on positivity.

    Don't think about failure.. though there's risk.. dont divert your mind.

    Good luck

  • Thank you! It is the best decision here but I still cannot make myself believe in success especially when my man himself thinks that it won't work. Kind of kills all the hopes.

  • I completely agree with you and understand your feelings and appreciate your patience. Only the strong moral support is lacking which in large cases coming from your best half.

    Can't say more just sending you lots of love and praying for you...

  • Thank you again! This is incredibly helpful to me, just to hear from all of you those words of encouragement and advice, can't say more. My husband is still in this state of denial that we can possible make it, I suppose he's broken more on the inside than I am just because with every single round I feel like my body is doing something and the only thing he was asked to do apart from medical stuff was to donate his sperm which was always the last thing he could do and I believe that he feels powerless, like I have just a bit of control over my own stimulation, if not for me I would not be able to stimulate properly and even though I definitely seek his help it is nothing, he just loses his mind and confidence and wants to quit

    How to be a proper wife then?

  • Hello btsd! That's definitely gets much harder to deal with all that if you don't have your husband's support with the thing.. I still tend to believe he will change his mind. Though it might be quite difficult. But that's really good you've changed the clinic and decided to use donor eggs instead of yours. That might give you more chances.. In other case you there always remains surrogacy option..

  • You know I started thinking that maybe it is my fault that he is like this? I mean, did I support him? Did I show him my gratitude over the course of our rounds of ivf? I think that even if I did, it was not enough...

    I know, that's why we stopped trying just on our own eggs, I think that his reaction was influenced by my stupid stubbornness.

    There is always an option - surrogacy or adoption but I do not want to give up just yet.

    Thank you for your support!

    xx

  • You are not to be blamed here hun.. Of course you have to try to understand him but it's you and not him who undergoes all those medications, stimulations, egg transfers and stressful 2ww periods. Just stay positive .. and I'm sure he won't leave you alone there since he loves you.. Besides I tend to believe you'll soon have your BFP with donor eggs having no other contradictions concerning your womb condition

  • I think so too hun but in the situation like this no one can be that sure and again it may sound very dramatic but I am even considering packing my bags just before the hcg test so if he says that he won't continue we can split up and live as if nothing has happened

    I feel really pessimistic

    haven't spoken to him about this yet

    do you think that this will help?

    i do not believe that i may get bfp

  • You don't have to lose your hope dear.. in any case.. Everyone is born to be happy.. and you have to do all possible for that.. and surround yourself with people who make you feel happy... Fingers crossed for your bfp.. I believe you have good clinic and qualifies doctors x

  • Thank you! I love my husband and I just want us to be happy and this just appears to be so unfortunate that he is losing all his hopes and starts giving up on my and even his abilities to have children. I was kind of proud when we received his sperm results and they showed that he is a macho man. (as we like to joke around) but for now, he's like oh no not this again....

    Yes, my clinic is reputable and it'd be a great experience if only all of us were as happy and full of hopes as you would expect from a perfect ttcing couple

    lots of love hun

  • Oh Hun I know it's very hard-we are only on our 2nd transfer but it feels like so much more after a number of false starts and my OH has also indicated that after this he's done. I'm trying very hard to focus on my 2ww and not think about the what ifs but it is hard! I really hope u resolve things and I wish u all the best xxxx

  • Oh honey! we're in the same boat I guess... It is so hard to push things further when no one helps you but at least my husband began showing just signs of support even though he did not stop loving me or anything but for some time he was definitely in his own dark place as I was in mine.

    oh if we get a positive result this time it may as well be the best day of my life... because I cannot even imagine what's going to happen of by any chance we receive bfn

  • I guess you have to remember that you would expect him to support you if you said you were done with it. I know it's different for the women, they go through so much more directly, but this whole process really does take its toll on our partners too. I hope you can manage to have a good chat after this cycle is done (if it is a bfn... it might not be!) and fully explore what life might be like if you do stop... he may need help to understand that even if you stop Ivf, this may not lead to life becoming 'normal' for the two of you.

    Big hugs!

  • Oh my, this is great, you said a lot of great things and it is definitely true that there is no guarantee that if we stop trying life will get back to normal just because there is not IVF thing in our lives anymore. but it is not like ivf has that big of an impact on us however it does play a big part. but sometimes I feel as if my life is simple and full of joys but the other time I turn around and see my future in ruins.

    this is the second type of a situation.

    Hopefully, everyone’s right about my bfp because even though I know that you are saying that because you want to show your support but your wishes actually help me stay positive! thank you!

  • It's so hard - my husband said initially that he was only going to do IVF once, we had a failed cycle with the review appointment and his question for the doctor is - when can we go again?? It's hard for both of you & although it's us women that are doing the majority of work it affects men too. Perhaps he's wanting to stop because he sees the pain & turmoil it's causing you also and he's wanting to protect you. Good luck with whatever you do xx

  • Thank you for such a heartwarming reply! I have been thinnking for a while about how it affects both of us and maybe you are right. as I was told that it is better to stay open about your own feelings and have a proper and deep conversation between you and your man, I suppose that it is inevitable that we have a talk about our present and our future.

    maybe I do not understand something...

    As for now we are doing our things and do not really touch this topic of whether or not we are going to be continuing on.

  • If you are thinking of using donor eggs then maybe you could take a year off the ivf just to be normal and loving with your husband and then try again with donor eggs. I think you can use donor eggs up until you are 49 and the womb doesn't deteriorate with age.

  • Hi! I've heard of women who got pregnant with donor eggs in their late 50s. So I suppose it depends on your overall health... ?

    I do not know, I am preparing for the ET procedure and trying to not think about all of the consequences as both of us are trying so hard to stay healthy

    Maybe it is worth it to take a break if we do not succeed. Maybe... it would totally be great to plan our future decisions all over again and think about our priorities.

    xx

    Thanks for leaving your reply here hun

  • everyone knows how important it is to have some support especially when it comes to your husband! I just really hope that you get your BFP and anything of it won't matter at all.

    But for now, I have to agree that maybe both of you should seek some help. some third part to talk to or a professional who could potentially be of a great help. or you both just need to talk. Can I ask you what was your reaction when you first heard him expressing his frustration and saying that he is ready to quit? did you have a conversation discussing it or not?

  • Well, I have to admit that I have ignored the issue since then and when he said that for the first time I acted like it was nothing and laughed at it. but I remember he was not trying to be funny or anything and later on he told me the same exact thing but in a more serious mood. I replied to him saying that if he does not want to continue then it is his right but I want to go till the very end. he left my words with no response and went outside. this was the last time we spoke. now it feels really awkward bringing back this topic and when we're flying to the clinic he's always silent as if he does not enjoy anything of it. honestly, the sole thing that saves the situation is that we can explore new places when we're at the clinic. so it does not feel like an eternity.

  • You shouldn't have let it slip, you should've talked to him about his words and asked him whether he was joking or not. but it is never too late to bring it back.

    Plus, you should've discussed the ivf treatment earlier, right? how did you choose the type of the treatment, was he ok with you continuing with it or was his reaction the same back when you were deciding on what type of the contract to sign or what clinic to choose? you did choose a clinic, right? and was it awkward at all or not?

    oh, so he continues to show signs of frustration these days too? hm.... you should definitely talk about it. or maybe you should start choosing names and things for your future baby? like start thinking positive? maybe it'll help?

  • Yeah, I know. Well, it was his choice to go to the clinic we're now signed with. It is situated in Ukraine and he told me that he asked about different types of ivf egg donation options in different clinics (in Ukraine, in Greece, and in Spain), I asked why did not he opted for Czech, he told me that there were too many negative reviews and he did not want to risk. anyways, as we were before in Spain, we know what it is like over there and even though he did look for the clinic or two there he said that it was not worth anything. so we have chosen Ukraine

    and more precisely - biotexcom clinic. my husband and I have contacted other clinics too but unfortunately, the only biotexcom was consistent in its replies and told us the truth which we knew already. We knew that unfortunately my health and reproduction system do not allow me to continue on my own eggs and we wanted to do anything possible to maybe use my egg cells and we kind of expected to be told that we're over the age. other clinics told us that yeah, sure they can go for it, they can help me with my own eggs even though they definitely lied to me... they have sounded too optimistic, do you understand me? but we have visited two other clinics just to see what they look like and went for the consultations there (btw only our clinic had free initial consultation), others did not have this offer at all.

  • This is was a long read :)

    I am really happy that you have decided on the clinic where to get treated and this is amazing that your husband took a very big part in the process of deciding where to go! this just shows that he cares about you and wants you to be happy but somehow he came to this conclusion that it is impossible for both of you to be happy while you spend all of your time trying and trying and trying. I know how tiring can that be.

    You should not take his words too seriously, as someone's written here there were some situations in which husbands can say anything they wanted but eventually, they went for other rounds and other rounds. I think that he may have been worn out you see. as you can be too.

  • Do you think so? I can agree with you on this because he did take his time for the research on eventually I would not have gone that far without him. he is my angel and my love. I love him very much and cannot imagine what would I be without him

    Hopefully, such things as ivf won't separate us...

    Yes, I have seen those commentaries but I tend to believe that everyone is different therefore I can't be that sure especially when I know that he is very emotional sometimes..

  • You know a family is not what you just haven given to you by life. you have to work to keep it up, you have to spin the wheels. and you and your husband have done so much in order to get pregnant and I understand the frustration and other things but I am sure that even though it took a lot of your nerves, I am sure that eventually there are no risks for you two to be separated.

    It is okay if he is emotional, you cannot keep everything inside of yourself.

  • We had a conversation last night (thought I'll update you on this). he said that he wasn't dead serious back then and that he is emotionally tired and has so little of patience left in him and I really understand it and what he means, I also told him that I felt the same that we can both take some time just for us if by any chance this round is negative and maybe just maybe we will consider other options as well.

    we decided to continue till we reach positive result but we would have to take some time off because it's just too hard to continue.

    our clinic's manager told us that we will have to take a break if the result is negative and we have asked her if we can like choose for how much time but she said that she'll see.

  • That’s amazing! I am really happy for you! I knew that your husband was not serious or just acted on emotions and did not really mean what he said. I think that you did a great job of talking to him and raising the issue again! Eventually, it would’ve happened naturally anyways but it is great that you have already discussed this and that he was honest with you. it was obvious that two of you were tired and needed some time off. I wish you to have a break after you receive a positive result! ^^

  • Hi! Sorry to hear about your family conflict.... and the timing and the reasons make it even worth... But I hope that you manage to resolve it by the end of your treatment! Good luck with whatever you're up to right now!

    PS Could you please tell me about how is it even possible to use your oe and de? Did you pay extra money for it or something? I haven't heard of anything of the sort actually... most of the clinics do either oe or de. but not both at the same time...

  • it is not a conflict, though, just an issue no one wants to raise again. Anyways, thank you a lot.

    Well, yeah, I was surprised as well when I was told that if I really want to try on my own eggs they can do a backup donor's stimulation and if I want they can like mix our embryos of the best quality and then transfer them. I was surprised by this offer and I have decided to go for it with one only addition - they won't tell me whose embryos made it and whose not. so I will live in the perfect illusion that I am pregnant with my own babies. or baby. I know that it sounds really stupid but it was our only option because they have told me that my follicles do not look that good. so we had to think of something. and I must admit that maybe it was that time when my love began to lose it...

    anyways, I think that due to the fact that this clinic is situated far from the US, they have to figure out how to bring clients to the clinic so they offer all of the kinds of different contracts and stuff.

  • well, this is how all of the businesses work.

    so yeah, I kind of decided to ask my manager whether they also provide such an option as using eggs from both parties but frankly speaking I think that I have missed my time, we have already chosen a donor and she's going to begin her stimulation really soon and I have already taken some meds and I was given meds only for endometrial stimulation so I do not know but think that it is too late...

  • oh well, to be quite honest I think that this is a very fragile issue and you just do not have to hurry taking decisions! Even though you now think that ivf on combined own and donor's eggs is a good idea you should've thought about this earlier and now it may be too late. of course we should not be quick to judge but you should understand!

    Have you received any messages from your manager? what did she tell you?

  • You are right! My manager has told me that unfortunately, the treatment has officially started with us choosing the donor and the doctor confirming her. she has also added that I was accepted into the program on donor's eggs and as we have not been talking about using my own eggs my doctor was not thinking in that direction and if so we would have had to fly back to Ukraine and undergo examinations again and to have another set of medications, she explained that it should've been decided earlier as you have said. it is a sensitive thing and I agree with you on everything you have said, so this round we're going to try and get pregnant on donor's eggs. hopefully, I am just making a lot of fuss over nothing. :)

  • So sad:(

    I am already post-egg collection. we're definitely trying to stay calm but I can barely keep it inside of me, the huge urge to just quit everything and go away from all of the responsibilities. I feel like it starts to take over me. so we're going to have some time off defo if this does not work...

    :(

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