OH taken away my hope 😢 : Sorry I... - Fertility Network UK

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OH taken away my hope 😢

CheshireKit
CheshireKit

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while...

After we sadly suffered a miscarriage following our last round of IVF using DE earlier this year I needed to take a break from all things fertility.

My OH didn’t want to talk about the MC or even consider trying again so I left it for a few months.

Finally managed to get him to talk this week and was really hoping he’d changed his mind but at the moment he isn’t willing to try again with the frozen embies we have.

I’ve just turned 45 so for me it’s now or never. We’ve been TTC for over 6 years and it’s been hanging over every decision I make. I just can’t take living in limbo anymore not knowing if he might change his mind at some point whilst I’m not getting any younger. I know it’s such an important decision that he needs to want too.

I’ve thought really hard about whether I still want to try to have a baby at this time if my life when I feel so tired just looking after myself. But I came to the conclusion as long as we’ve got some frosties I can’t not try, I think I’d regret it forever.

I’m absolutely devastated, it feels he’s completely taken away my chance to have a baby and I’m struggling to deal with all this by myself. I don’t think our relationship will survive this, I feel resentful, angry and so alone.

Just don’t know where to turn now 😢

Please can anyone help? Xxxx

14 Replies
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Oh CheshireKit - I really feel for you. It is devastating for both of you after everything you’ve been through. We all deal with things in different ways and perhaps his mechanism for coping is to just shut down. This doesn’t help you however. Are you seeing a counsellor as maybe they would be able to suggest ways for both of you through this very difficult time. Sending lots of love and hope for the future xxx

CheshireKit
CheshireKit in reply to 7AVA

Thanks hon xx He’s not agreed to counselling in the past but I’m going to try to get him to do it again as we definitely need some help to work through this if we want our relationship to survive. Hope all’s ok with you xxx

7AVA
7AVA in reply to CheshireKit

Perhaps consider counselling for just yourself first if he’s reluctant to go. It may just be too painful or difficult for him to think about it at the moment. I often mistake my OH’s reticence as not caring when in fact he cares a lot but when he’s hurting he tends to withdraw. It’s taken a long time to understand that - and I still don’t entirely. I really empathise with you and hope you are able to get the help you need. We have a counsellor linked to our clinic who is based in Cheshire if you need someone. Lots of luck navigating this difficult time. Xxxx

I'm really sorry to hear this and really feel for you, I'm 44 and had a chemical pregnancy last month. The only thing that is keeping me going is hope, hope that we've got more frozen embryos waiting for us and hope that we might be successful with them. I can fully understand why you don't want to give up and why you feel so upset over it. I second what 7ava says would you consider counselling together with your husband? Men tend to bottle things up far more then us women and this might help. Thinking of you and don't ever give up! Here if you ever want a chat xxx

CheshireKit
CheshireKit in reply to Abaco

Ahh thanks so much lovely. So sorry to hear of your chemical pregnancy, I hope you’re doing ok xx

Yes I’m going to try to get him to agree to some counselling to try to find a way through this.

Sending hugs to you too xxx

Abaco
Abaco in reply to CheshireKit

Thank you, very up and down at the moment, this journey is so hard!

Don't give up, your determination will get you through! Xxx

CheshireKit
CheshireKit in reply to Abaco

You too lovely xx

So very sorry to read this. Sending you a big bear hug. I agree also with the others - counselling is definitely needed xx

Thank you xxxx

Speaking as a husband, we tend to take the head in the sand approach to things like this. He probably thinks it wont ever work and doesn't want to go through the pain when it doesn't, seeing you hurt also.

If you're embies are from a donor egg, your chances at 45 are very good, so don't stress out for your age, it wont make a massive difference if you use them at 46.

It may be worth telling him exactly how you feel, that you can't continue without some plan for the embies, do you destroy them if you can't use them? Can you try in 6 months? That you need to do couple counselling as you're so unhappy about this.

It might help drag him into a decision, because it sounds like he's putting his head in the sand, also asking him exactly why he doesn't want to use them, don't let him get away with saying he doesn't want to talk about it.

Us men can be cowards when it comes to confronting emotions, and often we need a little coaxing.

Best of luck to you xxxx

Thanks for your message, it’s good to get a bloke’s perspective 👍🏼

From what he’s said I don’t think he wants a baby at all now 😳. But sometimes he can react quite strongly when he feels pressurised and afterwards reflects on it and sometimes softens his stance.

I’m going to have another go at telling him how I feel and suggest counselling.

Thank you again xx

Hi- just wanted to send you luck- I totally empathise with you- was in a very similar situ to you last year- however my obsession in wanting my oh to do ‘one more go’ resulted in him leaving me! I suggested counselling etc etc - he just wanted NOTHING more to do with any of it in the end- and as he (rightly) said- I only really wanted him to go to counselling in the hope he’d agree to doing more ivf rounds (true).. so I still wasn’t respecting his feelings. Anyway- I just wanted to say tread carefully- I know exactly how much you want to use your last Frosties- But you have to respect your husbands feelings.. or risk the potential of splitting up over this- which believe me is NO joke!! And in hindsight I wish I hadn’t been so obsessed with a baby and what I ‘didn’t have’ and spent more time appreciating what I did have and our relationship! ... I then had counselling on my own! good luck whatever you decide! Xx

CheshireKit
CheshireKit in reply to Lu1u

Ahh bless you, thank you for sharing your story and Im really sorry to hear how things ended up.

I think I need to sort out my own head about what I want now and you’re right I’ve been focusing for so long on trying to get pregnant I’m missing what I do have. Thanks again xxx

Lu1u
Lu1u in reply to CheshireKit

Thanks.. I didn’t have Frosties tho so was pushing for a 4th fully paid cycle! - but if I did and was in your situ I would 100% try every way possible to use them! I really hope your husband comes around - I hope I didn’t put more of a dampener on your situ- I just think you need to tread carefully with your husband - maybe give yourself 3 months or something of not focusing on it.. go on holiday- reconnect with your husband.. then re-visit the subject when it’s not so raw in a few months and he’s in a better frame of mind! I’m sure he will come around! Men often shut down emotionally when things get too much..it’s just different coping strategies..I hope your husband is open to counselling.. mine wasn’t..Anyway, I just don’t want you having anymore heartache by jeopardising your relationship! Hope it all works out well for you! Xxx

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