My husband always picks fights during... - Fertility Network UK

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My husband always picks fights during the TWW

LuxFleur profile image

I don't know why this always happens but it does. I told him to go stay somewhere else at least. I'm 3dp5dt. He left before it got too bad, I hope it didn't ruin our chances. We got our BFP the time that I went to stay at a hotel and now I'm afraid it's all over for this cycle. I feel devastated.

Edit: I guess he does it because he doesn't know how to process his feelings. He was raised by robots. When he's angry or scared he just makes the other person upset, so at least someone is expressing feelings, rather than just say "I'm feeling anxious about this." What's hard is that he's extremely good at this, pushing all my buttons in whatever way he can. But whenever there is a high stakes situation where I need his support, he always lets me down.

(NOTE: this is not an invitation to tell me during my TWW that my marriage will never be good and I should leave, ffs, I'm just trying to get through TWW.)

25 Replies

Why did you stay in a hotel? To give him and yourself some space. I don't need to tell you that IVF can stressful for anyone. However, looking at this in a positive light hopefully you can both get over this and move on. Looking more realistically he isn't really thinking about how picking a fight with you is not being very empathetic to you during this stressful time. My ex partner used to pick fights with me when he was stressed it was horrible. Luckily I never did IVF with him. The rollercoaster of having a baby and dealing with all the ups and downs are going to be stressful so sooner or later he needs to get a grip and stop picking fights with you. Unfortunately men like this rarely change regardless of promises and events. You can't always avoid stress, unless you get a pregnancy test saying negative at the date you are supposed to be testing then you are still in with a running. It might be that your husband picking a fight has made you think the worst.

My mum went through two stressful divorces pregnant and still managed to have live births so...

It will be okay. It won’t effect your chances. I remind myself that people get pregnant under the most horrendously stressful circumstances every day and all through history. Like during war and all kinds of horrible things. I read a great blog about this very point (I can’t remember where, I’m sorry). The women who wrote it had been trying with IVF for years. She took some time off because she was going through an extremely stressful period - and that’s when she fell pregnant! One of the most stressful periods of her life!!

There is also a couple of fantastic podcast episodes about trying to get pregnant and the emphasis incorrectly placed on stress. The podcast is called ‘This is Infertility’ and the episodes are called ‘“Just Relax” and Other Harmful Advice’, & ‘Fertility 101: Stress & Fertility’. I hope these help you. They definitely helped me stop worrying so much about my stress levels during the TWW.

Everything crossed for you! 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Lancal

Thank you so much, such a great recommendation. Xx

Take care! I tell myself husband isn't trying to pick a fight but maybe he's trying his best and also he's probably feeling stressed from the treatments too (even if men seldom say). Try to work with him. All the best and may love fill you!

I have been in this same situation and my husband also has that family background. He can't process stress properly and we do talk about it once the situation gets better. He hasn't been brought up to manage his emotions and so once he is in unfamiliar territory he can only default to factory setting and lash out. It's a work in progress and it is still ongoing for us but therapy and continuous communication helps.

To the matter at hand, we had an almighty fight during our TWW ... I really couldn't tell you what it was about, I can't remember, that was how insignificant the fight was. It ended up with me saying a few choice words, slamming the door and stomping off at record pace to my physio session.

We got a BFP.

The bean will stick if it wants to stick, it is truly out of your hands during the TWW (as long as you are not riding rollercoasters, drinking heavily and freebasing - and some lucky women will still get pregnant even doing that).

Don't be too hard on yourself, IVF is a testing time even for the healthiest of marriages. There will be hiccups along the way. For the 2WW I see it as a moment of self care and dare I say it selfishness and if that means parking something until it is over so be it.

I am wishing you all the best and baby dust to you x

Junk41 profile image
Junk41 in reply to Junk41

I did a Mindful IVF "Calming meditation" after as well.

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Junk41

Bless you, thank you so much for understanding Xx

Oh god sounds very fraught . Please don’t worry about the stress impacting the pregnancy though - I’ve had it up to there with in-laws etc saying how if only I could relax we would have a baby ( not really , my husband doesn’t have much in the way of sperm 🙄). I am indeed really anxious and did quite a lot of reading on this . In terms of evidence it s more situations like wars that cause the level of stress that can impact ovulation and so fertility . So I wouldn’t worry about that . Totally emphasise with your situation - the year I got married my husband went to live in a hotel for 2 weeks just before the wedding . I’m the opposite of a diva , it was more he was commitment phobic and had a sort of mini break down . I lost so much weight that year my dress was altered smaller 3 times . I love him despite what he put me through - it was totally worth it. I just had to learn to live with his sometimes over the top reactions to the stresses and strains of life and carry more of the burden myself . But isn’t that life ? He was similar this ivf but after two huge rows he has been a lot better . We are having the transfer on Monday and he’s taking me out this weekend . Maybe yours will calm down after a day or so to think things over . My advice is to spell it out for him exactly how you feel and what you want from him . Good luck and I really hope you get your BFP ! X x.

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Gatarra

Thank you. He has gotten better, it's just...not quite enough just yet, and TWW is so hard Xx

The 2WW is so stressful. Me and my partner argued about loads of silly things. Normally, only one person is stressed (for example, about work) and the other is able to bite their tongue and offer support. In this situation, both are invested, stressed and anxious. P.S our transfer was successful (after a huge fight about shoes during 2WW).

Good luck. X

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to ChloeDE

Thank you so much! And congrats on the BFP Xx

Totally sympathise with some comments here. The one time I did get pregnant, we had the mother of all rows lasting a week (drama over where to spend Xmas and the in laws always getting their way). I had so many negative results I wasn't expecting it to work that time. It was a bfp but wasn't to be after. The point is I don't think that affects it.

I'm on round 5 now, transfer in a few weeks. We've been to hell and back and he's the same as your husband. Never had to make big decisions or handle this level of stress. Now we just get on with it, to be honest the less I say the better for both of us. It's an immense time for anyone, you've both done well to get this far. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. ❤️ Xx

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Maisie234

Thanks so much for understanding. I know it's just the stress, it's just so hard to be the bigger person when you've got hormones coming out of your ears.

Mmmmm - not sure how you put up with that behaviour!! Especially as the treatment is stressful enough!

Myself and my husband never argue, we always said it was a destructive thing to do, you are much better putting your side forward, and his and compromising!

I have had partners in the past that knew what buttons to press, I can go from okay to explosion in a nano second so it was never a good thing!!

I think now that I’m older if my husband behaved like that I’d tell him to ‘have a word with himself, go and get himself sorted out and don’t comeback until he has done’

I'm sorry it's been a tough time, treatment is so stressful on relationships. It's very natural to have arguments, especially with all the hormones.

Sometimes when me and my husband want to express ourselves but struggle to do so without arguing we write each other a letter. We then communicate about it afterwards. You really have to think about what your writing and how it comes across but also helps to vent without it getting heated. There is also a great relationship podcast by Esther perel. She gets couples together and does an hour session with them. I found it really useful to understand what my husband was going through and better ways to communicate.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podca...

I hope these suggestions are helpful and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your tww.

From your post, the common factor here is the 2ww. Understandably you're both stressed and maybe all the hormones you're on are affecting your ability to shrug off things that normally wouldn't bother you? I know I turn into the Incredible Hulk on progesterone, I'm so short tempered (and hungry!!). And my husband doesn't talk about it, but he is super tense during these times and he does take it out on me - which is exacerbated by me flying off the handle.In my experience - What happens in the 2ww stays in the 2ww!!

Don't worry about it affecting the outcome, it's out of your hands and all up to your little embie now. Good luck xxx

Yes, it's this bad cocktail exactly. And you're totally right, thanks! Xx

OTD today and mine has just had a massive go at me for 'losing' a jumper he bought on Saturday except we've just worked out he DIDN'T buy it in the end. Soooo much patience needed!! Anyway, off to get a blood test. Fingers crossed l!! Hope you're doing well xxx

Fingers crossed for your test!!

Negative. One embie left now - no pressure!! Good luck with yours xxx

I spoke to a counselor connected to a recurring miscarriage clinic here in the Netherlands. I said I get so stressed that I'm stressed (as well as anxious and in constant conflict with people around me) because everyone tells me this is really bad. He assured me this is nonsense. He said most women are stressed and many have successful pregnancies. It's the women that connect success to being less stressful that share this with others (understandably). The women that were really stressed and got pregnant can't really share this as advice. He assured me that there is no research that gives solid evidence connecting stress with pregnancy failure. This really helped me. I know it doesn't solve the annoying behaviour of your husband but then these kind of things are completely normal in relationships. Good luck xxx

Thank you. Xx

Hey there. The 2ww is so stressful. You're all over the place due to hormones and stress and probably react badly. And he will feel under pressure too. It's not easy for anyone. But do what you need to and if that's apart it's ok. But a bit of stress won't affect the chances of implantation so don't worry too much about that. Good luck with this cycle xx

I’m so sorry Lux, the TWW is horribly stressful on both of you, it won’t harm the little burrowing embryo so please try not to worry (easier said than done!)

Perhaps try and plan something for you and hubby to do together to get your minds off it (as much as I’d humanly possible!) - a little date day out? possibly hard in current covid circumstances but hopefully will help xx

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