Abandoning IVF

Hi all

Im really hoping im not alone and trying to find someone else who has ever experienced this awful thing. Myself and my partner have been together 5 years (very loving years) and trying for a baby for 3, im 38 this year and we are currently doing our first round of IVF, we are roughly one week away from egg collection and he has decided he doesn't wish to continue - i just dont get it, he keeps saying he cant explain and that he needs to sort his head, i cant possibly put into writing the 100's of conversations we have had over the last week but all i can assume is that he has had one big fat wobble. Im now considering carrying on and freezing my eggs - has any had any experience of this?

12 Replies

  • Hello Hun,

    I really feel for you and do understsnd a bit how you must be feeling. Let him have his wobble it's bloody pathetic, men really can't handle stress and they need to grow a pair of bulls and get a grip .!

    My boyfriend of 8 years is exactly the same ( he's 39 and I'm 39 in July) this is our first go at IVF , and the day I had embryo transfer ( 2 embryos) he was so moody and quiet on the way to Hosp, but seemed to cheer up on the way home , anyway this week I've been resting st home, he seems to have gone into a depression / pmt bloke style / snapping ect, as if I've done something wrong.

    I told him he needs to get a grip and snap out of it ( he's very stubborn at the best of times) he said he has a lot on his mind !!! He said he's worrying as we live in a 1 bed flat and he said that he's been looking at houses and all so expensive .

    That's not exactly helping me!!!

    He's been so bloody tetchy with me I just think he's a twat.

    My parents are conning to see me tmr , and he was even getting paranoid about what I was discussing with my mum .

    Honestly I don't need the stress, if I were you, I would go ahead anyway, and concern trade on you and ignore them the best we can , all I want is a baby with or without him.

    there both acting like a pair of 8 year olds not 38 !!!

    My parents would be so angry with the way he's being with me so I won't mention anything to them.

    But to be honest I would go with your gut if you want this baby go and do it with or without him.

    My test day is nxt Friday. If my befriends stressed now, can you imagine how he's going to feel nxt Friday if positive and possible twins lol.

    Bloody men !!! Sod them concentrate on you . 😊

    Take care

    Mia xxx

  • Bloody men exactly! it just doesn't make any sense, hes so loving and caring, he wanted us to try for children before me he has instigated everything. Question is what do i do now? ride it out a couple of weeks, by which times my eggs will be frozen and ask him exactly what he wants out of life. Im thinking ill have to end it and try and find someone else (pressure) or use a donor and go it alone.

    Your husband sounds very stressed i hope all ok and good luck with your test!! ive been so worried about the ivf not working i never considered we wouldn't end up doing it!

  • Hi! As if IVF isn't hard enough as it is! There is a big part of me that has very little tolerance for men's insecurities at this time as it is a key time that they have to 'man up!' He made a commitment to you and the process and he should be honouring that.

    But I do think there is room for recognising that it's a scary time for them too. Watching you go through all that IVF entails is difficult for them and I think that feeling helpless can be hard. There is also the chance that it is becoming overwhelming. Something you have both fought for and wanted for so long may actually be with your grasp and I know I have wobbled at that thought.

    I don't know you, your partner or your relationship. All I do know is that infertility is hard and the greatest challenge my relationship has ever faced. But if you can make it through this you can make it through anything.

  • Is there someone at your clinic he could talk to, either a counsellor or a sensible nurse? We were entitled to some counselling at our clinic, hubby wasn't keen but he did come with me.

    I would say as you're so close to EC to go ahead and see if they can be frozen. That way he has time to get his head together or whatever he need to do. He will have to inform them of his decision to not go ahead with providing his sample and they may be a form he needs to complete to withdraw consent. I imagine they are used to this situation. If you are paying for your treatment this will probably have a cost implication.

    I don't know what your fertility issues are but I felt it was all my fault and then we found out hubby's swimmers weren't much good and he then felt rubbish about it all. He might be worrying about whether he can do his bit (their bit seems much easier than ours!), whether it will work as well as seeing you go through the treatment. Who knows if he can't yet tell you!

    I would have been devastated if my hubby had dropped this a week before EC, the process is stressful enough without your partner adding to it. He might find it easier to talk whilst you walk, rather than sitting down for a "talk". I don't know how your partner responds to deadlines, would a few days consideration time make a difference.

    Good luck.

  • Thank you for your comments but there is no going back for my other half I feel now we seriously need to address our relationship , such a shame

  • Men go through it too and they can sometimes be forgotten... I know I am a culprit but thankfully I have a partner that would die for me if I asked him too...

    In your case ask if you really need him... All of a sudden he has changed his mind without cause or justification? If this I what you want and all you longed for don't stop there keep going you have got this far.

    I don't know the inns and outs but if it's something that's important to you go all out and do it with or without him...

    We are strong beyond measure xxx

  • He has now told me he wants to be in his own, which I think means I've been dumped mid IVF! I think in in shock but I'm carrying on and freezing my eggs, anticipated egg collection next Wednesday

  • Awwww i am so sorry, I want to say to you he isn't worth any tears you may shed or your heart breaking, it's his loss and when he realises that then it will be too late. Take time for you, let him go if he wants that he wasn't worth it to start with.

    In time if you find the right man he will stand by you through the hellish times and the great times and the rocky roads and bumps without hesitating.

    Good luck with EC hoping you have a great support network would offer to come with you as its not nice being in your own.

    Be good to yourself,

  • I'm really sorry to hear this. Obviously a big shock to you and not exactly good timing! Treatment is very difficult on both parties emotionally and perhaps you are more resilient than he is?

    Have you got family/friends who can support you through EC? You'll need some TLC afterwards as you'll probably be a bit tender and bloated.

    Good luck for Wednesday and we're all here for you.

  • I'm sorry to hear this and emotionally you are already going through the wringer! If there is to be a bright side it ended just in time. Had he gone through with this and it works you would have been tied to him forever! At least now you can find someone worthy.

  • I hope I have time to find someone else , it's going to take me a while to get over this one !

  • Thoughts are with you like this journey isn't hard enough. Big hugs ❤️

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