Finding things hard

[Sam101]

Hi everyone. Im after some inspiration. Its been a week since our bfn and im really struggling to get out of this low point. My husband is back in work as am i but has been away this week so been home alone. He has been home the last 2 weeks with me which was fab but getting used to just being me and coping still with the news is taking its toll on me. I have had a headache every day when i wake up which im putting down to stress. Just wish i could something to pull myself out of this. Any advice would be greatfully recieved. I have been talking to friends and family about it so dont feel i need counselling.

[Hidden]

Aw sorry your feeling down. Just take each day as it comes. Try and plan some things you enjoy so you have things to look forward to X X 

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Sam101.  This is never an easy time for anyone who has experienced a BFN.  Just be kind to yourself and try and keep busy with a few rests in between.  Why not get your recipe book out and try some nice treats to help you recover?  Thinking of you.  Diane

[Hidden]

Hey, 

I found putting happy music, moving music with a beat on a cheap mp3 and walking till I was knackered helped

I felt like taking control again, my body, I can climb mountains if I feel like it. Nothing to stop me.

Had a super long hot bath.

Ate  a whole box of ferrero rocher

Decided to stop putting my life on hold... Ie bought new jeans, will look fab and if I get preggers they can be my inspiration to get  back on shape after

Had sex just for fun not to make babies, just for fun, it's fab

Visited friends, physically picked up and cuddled their little ones without being afraid of lifting. Enjoyed being with children without feeling sorry and why can't I? Uncomplicated fun, games, silliness.

Cried with my best mate til I  have no more tears, crying is cleansing and necessary

Most of all, I did what I felt like doing

Be kind to yourself, this process is truly horrid, be good to yourself.

[Sam101]

Thanks for the replies so far ladies. I appreciate it. All good advice from each of you. I have done the crying with friends and hope that i dont have too much left to cry out to be honest. I think the idea of blasting some good music and getting out and about is a good idea. Hopefully this weekend i the weather is good i can start then. 

I feel like i need to take control again losinghopefast77. Your advice was great. It sounds like you have done well to get yourself back on track. I hope i can do as well as you.

[Hidden]

Hello Sam101  im sorry you're feeling like this My coping strategy has been to stay busy & active. This is grief and being home alone will be giving you plenty of time to think about the past & panic about the future. I am sending you a virtual hug because it's an awful feeling. You are stronger than you believe!! A big walk at the beach or in the country is so destressing to me. And don't rule out counselling - it's productive talking! If you're anything like me you'll probably spend half your time with your nearest & dearest convincing them "I'll be okay..." You'll be angry, shocked & upset all at once... Keep busy, much love xx

[pm27]

Getting a BFN is such a kick I the teeth after going through emotionally draining treatment. I felt gutted after our first BFN as everything had gone as expected but still we got a BFN. It's ok to feel down as your grieving a loss.  With time, our last BFN was 31 December, it is getting easier. Do whatever helps you and keep talking to hubby and friends. I'm considering further counselling. Counselling might help you prepare for your next round, it is different talking with a trained impartial professional.  

We had several months between rounds and although I wanted to get going straight away the rest probably helped to recover emotionally, physically and financially. So don't feel pressured to rush back into treatment until you feel ready. 

I've found using CBT and  mindfulness techniques helpful. You can get books on see from the library. Doing normal things like going to work and hobby clubs and work outs helped too. 

[Sam101 in reply to pm27]

Hi pm27. This may seem strange but the way I feel I need to try again as soon as I can because then if I do get my bro it won't be as bad getting it, say 3 months later than 1 year later as I just want to be pregnant.  Plus I know I'm not getting any younger which bothers me alot. 

I have been thinking about counselling but it's hard with work to fit it in. 

My family and friends have been superb, esp my hubbie and parents. Would be lost without them.

What is by? I'm going to have more acupuncture next week and thinking of other ways to stay calm and less stressed as I think that is one of my big problems!! Feel like I could do some more time off work but can't afford it. Xx

[pm27 in reply to Sam101]

You have to do whatever feels right for you. I understand the time factor, we started ICSI when I was 41. Getting a BFN is hard no matter how long you have between treatment cycles. 

I had reflexology and acupuncture during and between rounds 2 and 3, I preferred the acupuncture but I also liked the reflexology treatment. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Sam101 in reply to pm27]

I think ineed to give myself time to grieve and stop trying to pretend its not happening. Hopefully then i can move on and start thinking about me and how i can improve my life xx

[Hidden in reply to Sam101]

Definitely

[Sam101]

Thanks hope28. Everything you said is true. Thank you for the virtual hug I appreciate it.  As much as I love being at home if is true what you said that it does give you far more time to think about things. I think if I start planning more things life may seem easier. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on work and feel bothered about things. Just want to be with my husband and the rest of my family.  I do spend alot of time convincing others and trying to convince myself that I am ok!! X

[Hidden in reply to Sam101]

Hey, I'm not saying you need to plan other things I think your instinct is you want to be with hubby and just have quiet time, totally get it. Pregnancy is still the plan, but from experience the conveyer belt approach can make things worse I felt a kind of double grief. This constant obsession about diet, stress, heat/no heat, acupuncture, etc it's so effing unfair! Just give yourself a break and remember to breathe xxxx

[Sam101 in reply to Hidden]

I think thats the problem i never know what to do for the best.  Im constantly thinking should i be eating/drinking this or should i be doing this and after a while you just want to be normal. I would love us to be able to go on a nice relaxing holiday now it would do us both the world of good xx

[Isa84]

Hi Sam, sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I've been there myself and was down for a very long time. After 3 BFN's after IVF and years of disappointments and letting trying to get pregnant consume my life, I'm finally in a better place. It takes a wee bit of time and a lot of motivation but you can definitely do it and feel better.

Just do things that make you smile, laugh, be happy and feel good. I started yoga and met some lovely people, started meditating, started swimming and getting out more. Being around people and friends is always good. I'm enjoying saying 'yes' to people who want me to plan things ahead ( where before I would say 'no' because I might be pregnant) but that's no way to live. 

Enjoy living, find a few things that you enjoy and maybe join a class. 

Hope you feel better very soon, xx 

[Hidden in reply to Isa84]

Brilliant & so true. It can easily be all-consuming. Let's not let these failures define who we are! 💗

[Sam101 in reply to Hidden]

Exactly. I need to start getting myself stronger so i can face pregnant relatives and not feel anger every time i see someone pregnant or with a baby xx

[Hidden in reply to Sam101]

When you work that out PM me! 😂 I'm dying inside every time I hear a pregnancy announcement ... Feels like we're being punished 😕

[Sam101 in reply to Hidden]

There are so many strong ladies on here. With support and determination we can get through this. I dont think there is ever a time where you truely don't sink inside a little when you hear about a pregnancy announcement unless you are lucky enough and blessed with a bfp. We can support each other xx

[Sam101 in reply to Isa84]

Hi isa84, its so true what you said about not doing stuff incase you may be pregnant.  The need to be pregnant feels like its consumed me again, a bit like when we first started trying and each month with a bfn i would just cry. i want it so badly it hurts. I know everyone can appreciate this feeling. 

Thank you for your advice xx

[Isa84]

I know that feeling exactly Sam when you feel consumed and it only leads to anxiety and sadness. I know that overwhelming jealousy and sick feeling when a friend tells me they are pregnant or even trying. But we can't control the world around us, it's your life and your journey! Every time I get that feeling I take a few minutes in my head to ground myself, I say 'my life, my journey and it doesn't matter what other people are doing or who is having a baby, I am not affected by others',breathe deeply, chant it in your head, meditate, whatever you need to and ground yourself. Believe your time to be a mother will come as crap as it is to have to wait, sometimes we just have to. 

I know it's hard but push yourself to get out there are do others things that take your mind off trying to get pregnant even if it's just for 1hr. I never thought that was possible but I promise when I'm attempting to do yoga in my class im not thinking about babies, im desperately trying to hold a pose or not look ridiculous. Read a good book, go for a walk or a swim, go for coffee or dinner or plan a day trip. Don't miss out on life. I was where you are now but I feel in a better place now. It just takes time and some motivation. 

Sometimes I try and think of things differently as well and that helps like for example, when I am eventually pregnant I think someone will feel towards me the way I feel when I see a pregnant person and I wouldn't want someone feeling anger towards me cuz I was pregnant because they won't know what I've been through like I don't know what those women have been though that I see. 

I lost my confidence and missed out on hen parties and social events and fun things but I realised I can't keep missing out on life, some days are hard and full of tears but if you can have other things in your life to focus on it helps you keep moving forward.

Keep strong, try something new, remember it's your life, your journey, don't worry about other people and their journeys. You'll find your way xx

[Sam101 in reply to Isa84]

Thank you isa84. What you have said is very true. I had gone passed obsessing about it but i think because my sister in law is now pregnant i feel it should be me and not her as we have been trying for so long and its just started up again. 

I hate feeling like this as i know its difficult for my husband but he understands. I just i knew it would def happen i think then i wouldnt obsess so much about it. 

I do need to start doing things to occupy me and some meditating i think would def chill me out so i need to look into that. 

Good luck on your journey. You seem very focused and together. Thank you again xx

[Isa84 in reply to Sam101]

Don't get me wrong, I do have my moments, my days where I feel awful and very sad and frustrated and do nothing but cry but I've realised after feeling so low for so long I just don't want to live like that anymore. Knowing it'll be 8 to 10 months before I do IVF again gives me a break to work on myself but at the same time I'm not a patient person so it'll be hard. 

But honestly, little changes and just pushing yourself to do other things is very helpful. I wish you so much luck and success for your journey. Some day soon, I hope the pain we all go through will be a memory and we'll feel very lucky and blessed and get BFP'S. 

xx

[Sam101 in reply to Isa84]

I know i possibly have 2 months til our next fet or maybe longer depending on what the doc says next month.  I find it harder at the mo with my husband away off and on and im not used to being by myself so much. 

Im not a patient person either which is why its hard waiting so long for a baby. 

Thank you. I wish you luck and success with your journey to. Enjoy yourself while you wait for next cycle. Me to, we all deserve our bfp's xx

[Hidden in reply to Sam101]

Omg I took my 7 yo nephew to watch The Jungle Book today (Sat) and it was all parents and children and I quietly wept. I think I must be PMS-ing out but ouch the depths of sadness when you let yourself go there. Stay strong everyone xxx

[Sam101 in reply to Hidden]

I know the feeling. Just watching a film where someone got pregnant through ivf with donor sperm and i tried to hide my tears so my hubbie wouldnt see. We can get through this together xx

[Isa84 in reply to Hidden]

At least we all know we aren't alone in feeling this way. Like you say we have to keep strong on the whole but naturally tears will come at moments like that. Does anyone else feel like all you see on TV are baby adverts or programmes about pregnancy or movies about people ttc and in the end they always do. Sometimes I laugh out loud cuz if I didn't I'd cry. I was at my nephews birthday party the other week and my sisters friends husband congratulated me in front of about 15 people on being pregnant. I nearly choked, I said sorry no not me, you must be thinking of someone else, don't know where he got it from but I had to go outside to cry for 5mins but I composed myself and went back in. These moments come and it's so hard but keep strong and welcome support and we'll all get through it together xx 

[Hidden in reply to Isa84]

Yes! And prams run over my feet & block my path when I'm out shopping! 🙄 

[Sam101 in reply to Isa84]

I hope that person felt like a prize prat after saying that to you. What a numpty. I sometimes feel we shouldnt have to hide our tears if other people cause them with their insensitivities you know? If they are going to say stupid things lets make them feel guilty for saying them i say!! Im here and happy to help and support anyone who needs it. Take care girls. Good luck to everyone with their futures xx

[baby2016]

I'm due to start my first round of ivf after 4 natural miscarriages, although slightly different then having a BFN the way I have handled coming to terms with my miscarriages is by planning something for every month, wether it be a night out with old friends, tickets to a concert, or a night away with my husband. I found this really helped me as I always then had something nice to look forward too, even when I was having my dark days I always knew I then had a nice thing to look forward to each month. Apart from that singing my lungs out in the shower to feel good music as for some reason I found this really helped me release all those deep buried upsetting emotions and always made me feel good after! (So much so that I think i'm going to do it every day from starting my ivf as it just makes me feel good), also lots of walks with my hubbie and our dogs, and started having my nails done every month as no matter how upset you feel inside and even if you don't want to put any makeup on or make an effort when your feeling low, by just having nice nails that people comment on always made me feel nice, plus I enjoy the 2hr pamper! My nail technician is like my counseller! She knows more than a lot of my friends and nice just to have that time to myself. But despite it all, the biggest thing is I always live with that glimmer of hope, and no matter what has happened, hope and a positive attitude (80% of the time) is what has got me through along with talking alot to my hubbie about our feelings and if its not goibg to happen naturally for us then we've already decided we'll adopt, so either way at some point i'll be a mum ☺️ At first its easy not to confide in each other as each of you are scared of upsetting the other at a very emotional time, however I soon learnt that we both needed to confide in each other as it was us going through it so were really the ones that best understood each other. Once we got over that hurdle the healing process personally for me was much easier. Take time out, plan things, and put trying to concieve on hold for a couple of months so that you and your hubbie have time together that is fun and enjoyable, as it does really effect them and I know my hubbie really missed the fun we had before ttc, and its so easy to forget that when you so desperately want a baby, and it put pressure on our marriage,  so have time together and spoil him a little and in a few months you'll be more relaxed and both in a better place to try again xx

[Sam101 in reply to baby2016]

Baby2016 thank you for your wise words. You have been through so much and still remain positive and level headed about things. Thats how i hope to be one day. Can take everything in my stride and not let things get to me. I really need to stop getting stressed so easily as this does not help me one bit. I admire people like you as you are saying "screw you to everything" you will be positive and get what you want in the end, this is the best attitude to have. If only you could bottle it up and give some to me.  

Good luck with your ivf i hope it all goes well and you get your bfp. This could well be our year ladies. If you need anything whilst going through feel free to get in touch.  

My hubbie and have grown much closer since starting this process and talk more about our ferlings now than we ever used to. He has seen me cry so much in the last 4 years over this he is favulous at supporting me now. 

The planning things once a month is a great idea, this is one thing im going to start planning on doing, thank you.

Good luck with your ivf, i really hope you are lucky ☺ xx

[baby2016]

Aww thank you for your lovely message. You'll be surprised by how having something to look forward to each month really helps. Can be as big or small as you want, as long as it makes you happy then thats they key! 😄 And fingers crossed we all get our much longed for babies one way or another! xx good luck with the coming year xx

[Sam101]

Thank you. Take care xx