Feeling sad and scared of next step 😓

[Maria-Louisa]

Hi Ladies 

Just feel I need to reach out and say how sad I'm feeling. We've done 4 transfers now none of them worked, pgs just found our embryos weren't any good on the last go. Now the stakes are so much higher for our next go because we're both at the end of our tether with this emotionally and financially and we may not even get any to transfer. We've lost all hope of having our own family and yet we can't give up. Are we deluded? Also can't decide whether to stay at our local clinic or go to London for the best results in the country and then we can at least draw a line under treatment? I've got high killer cells but apart from that all seems fine....id love to know what you ladies think. 

Thank you everyone 

Love and hugs to you all 💕😘

[Twistedwillow]

You sound so very torn with so many questions. You may find my response frustrating (as this whole infertility is so very, very frustrating) but have you been for counselling. It's not for everyone but I am going and finding it very helpful to have somewhere I can get all my innermost questions, feelings and frustrations out into the open. I'm not sure if it's your cup of tea but it's helping to give me a safe, quiet space to try and get to the bottom of some of my questions and answers. I'm been doing counselling  alongside going to fertility and then ACU clinic for past couple of years. Helped me to cope a bit better. Anyway, only you can answer your questions so take some time to think them all through a bit. Oh and feeling scared and sad is absolutely normal. Best wishes

[Maria-Louisa in reply to Twistedwillow]

Thanks so much for your reply twisted willow. I agree counselling is brilliant, I've had it on and off over the years so it's probably a good idea to get another session in to talk through everything. 

Thanks and good luck to you x

[pm27]

We've ceased treatment after 3 rounds of ICSI, round 3 with donor eggs - all self funded due to age. I'm struggling with the fact that I'll never becoming a mum, it breaks my heart to see hubby with friends' and family members babies and children. I'm considering further counselling. 

Only you know how much more you can endure physically, emotionally and financially. I couldn't face the disappointment of it failing again and although hubby would have liked to try again he has agreed we've reached the end of the line. I feel we have tried everything and it's still not worked, we've got nothing in the freezer so FET isn't an option. Rationally it makes sense to stop but sometimes I wonder whether we should try again. It sounds to me that you want to try again, I don't know your situation but perhaps you could have a rest for a few months to prepare before trying again?

Good luck with whatever you decide. 

[Maria-Louisa]

Hi pm27, it sounds like you tried everything so should take comfort in that and hopefully in time the pain will lessen. I think having a counsellor guide you through the pain is a must. as you haven't mentioned adoption I suppose that's something you don't want to consider? Thanks for your suggestion xxx

[pm27 in reply to Maria-Louisa]

I hope that the pain will lessen but it creeps up on you when you don't expect it!

We have talked about adoption but are not pursuing it as at present it doesn't feel right for us.

Treatment was harder than I'd anticipated and the rediculousness of it all hit me at the second ET, and all others have to do do the deed.

[Kelly-03]

Hi Maria,

I understand how you feel we have had 4 treatments a not pregnant, 3 M/C and ectopic and due to have our 5th treatment in a few months, we have embryos frozen. We feel we don't understand why this happens and how we want a family of our own. All I can say is don't give up and keep HOPE, and talk to each other. That's what me and my husband do that helps xx what have the clinic said about other things to do? Also what are your killer cells what does that mean? 

Wish you all the luck and we will get there one day xx 

[Hidden]

Oh dear, your feelings are so similar to mine and responses above. I have found the "journey" (even that annoys me as it suggests there is a destination!) exhausting. For us IVF was the end of the road when all else had failed - and now that's failed twice. F*@! I have been left feeling guilty, alone, depressed - counselling is amazing but as I've said in other posts I find the pain of seeing others with children unbearable and somehow trying to achieve this (in the most insensitive and intrusive ways) has led me to feel even worse. We are quickly growing close to our decision time too and I think it's horrid but the only way to heal is to move forward and you're not quite done yet so give yourself a break. I have occupational health this week because my boss is concerned about me - the whole thing causes embarrassment & shame I'm just mortified. But you need to do this for you, lots of love xxx

PS Have you read The Pusuit of Motherhood? If not get your hands on a copy. Refreshing and honest x

[Maria-Louisa in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hope28, it's so difficult isn't it. Please don't feel ashamed, it could be anyone going through this and there's nothing to be ashamed of but I've also felt those feelings and so much pain. I hope you're able to find a way out and a decision. What will occ health do to help? 

Yes I've read it, brilliant book and author but it was the first time I realised IVF might not work and that probably started a bit of panic and fear in me. 

Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Maria-Louisa]

Me too! Like oh. Right! 😳 

I've done a wee post on Occupational health x