An emotional setback πŸ˜”

Hello ladies

I just wanted to have a little moan and I know there's so much understanding on here. My husband and I have recently had our first IVF cycle which unfortunately failed. We were obviously very upset but this past week I've been feeling a lot more positive and 'myself' again, until the insensitivity of someone's words yesterday.

I went out last night to celebrate the birthday of a friend of my hubbys, it was the first time I've been out in a while because of treatment and I was looking forward to having a glass of wine and some laughs, it felt like years after the bubble of IVF!

I am not working right now because I was made redundant late last year so decided to take a career break while we had IVF, I knew it would be all consuming and wasn't sure I would cope with finding and starting a new job at the same time. I don't regret this decision although I have struggled with not being in the routine of working and achieving every day and not having the distraction of work during a process like IVF. I also worry about what people think of my not working even though it's no ones business of course and I've worked full time for 20 years!

Therefore I've decided to do done volunteering and am about to start soon. I'm doing this before we start our 2nd cycle which will probably be in May.

Anyway I'm waffling now! Last night one of my husbands friends made a number of comments hinting about how so many people go through IVF whilst working, alluding to why couldn't I too, as if I should just suck it up and get on with it. I also have endometriosis which I was only diagnosed with 2 years ago at a late age and he also seemed to be saying why couldn't I work just because I have this, I managed before my diagnosis, even thothough this isn't the reason I'm taking a career break and I've never said it was!

His words have just really upset me as it's something I'm already sensitive about and the whole IVF process was so hard on its own. I know he couldn't possibly understand this and obviously wasnt thinking but am I wrong to be so upset by this? I know so many ladies work throughout treatment and I honestly admire them so much but circumstances arose and I made what I felt was the right decision at the time. I know it's none of his business but it's made me doubt that decision now πŸ˜•

Sorry this is so long ladies, thanks for reading xx

23 Replies

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  • Oh hun you have absolutely no reason to have second thoughts. This person has been completely ignorant and insensitive and ploughed in with his opinions. It sounds like he's been really passive aggressive too with his thoughts, putting you down and making you feel upset.

    You are entitled to live your life exactly how you want to and to make decisions about YOUR life how YOU want. It is nobody else's right to tell you what is right or wrong in terms of working with IVF. That said Id just like to say how much I admire the fact you have set time aside to take a break from work to focus on IVF and starting a project volunteering is amazing and will be so worthwhile and rewarding "giving back".

    Try not to let his comments get to you. Like you say, he won't be aware how ignorant he has been. If it was me I'd have found it hard not to tell him to f@@k off!! 😊😊😊

    Hold your head up high and be proud of how far you have come and everything you are doing for you and your hubby's future. Hope you have a good weekend, and manage to do something nice together. xxx

  • Thanks so much Hun, I feel so much better knowing I'm not just being overly sensitive 😘 It was very passive aggressive actually, I would usually be more vocal but it is a sensitive subject for me and I also didn't want to cause a scene on someone's birthday.

    I feel quite angry now to be honest, I would never judge anyone for such a decision especially when surely everyone must know IVF isn't easy, even if they could never fully understand it having never gone through it. It was like he was deliberately trying to hurt me and that's a very unpleasant trait in a person so sod him!!

    Thanks so much for your lovely kind words, it really means a lot and I won't let it spoil my weekend, we are going to London tomorrow so I shan't let him ruin a lovely time with my hubby.

    Hope you're still doing ok Hun? Xx

  • Yes exactly! People like that have insecurities themselves so try to brush it off as him being a complete tw@t!!! Lots of love xxx

  • Hi Georgina,

    I know exactly how you feel! Yesterday someone said a lot of very hurtful things to me 2 days after I found out our third cycle of IVF didn't work.

    Had to listen to things like

    'I was very fit and healthy when I conceived and so was my husband' ( implying that me and my hubby aren't even though we are )

    ' I just accepted that I might not have children' (implying that I should just accept that as well! This person now has a child of her own )

    And went on and on and on for half an hour about the fact that I shouldn't have had my cycles so close together and my clinic just want my money etc like she knew everything about everything! But unfortunately clearly knows nothing!!

    I think all of this was because I took a day off work to process my sadness and heartbreak after our devastating news and therefore I had to listen to this in work when I returned!

    I wish I was off work altogether at times like this!

    I didn't react at the time much but it really really hurt and upset me and I can't stop thinking about it today much like I'm sure you are feeling!

    But I have realised that some people just think they know best when they have not experienced what you are going through! These people aren't very understanding and just want to force their opinions on others!

    The important thing to remember is that you know what is right for you! Sounds like you made a very sensible decision taking a break from work and you are more than entitled to this because as you said you worked for 20years full time! You don't need to justify your decisions to anybody! If you need the time off to go through this incredibly difficult journey then that's the right thing!

    That person who said those hurtful things to you doesn't even matter, those opinions mean nothing!

    I think we would both have a better evening if we both forgot those hurtful words from those people! Let's look after ourselves and ignore opinions we didn't even ask for.

    I hope you feel better, thanks for posting that because it was just how I was feeling! Wouldn't the world be a better place is people accepted others journey and decisions.

    Good luck for the future xx

  • I replied to you in the wrong place Hun so it's further down the thread, I didn't want you to think I hadn't responded! x

  • Aw you have every right to be upset. But like you said it's nobody else's business and if they had to live the struggle of IVF they would soon change their tune.

    Hold your head high as you know your doing all you can to have your family dream.

    Take care xxx

  • Thanks so much chick, I really appreciate your comments and feel better now thanks to the lovely ladies on here 😘 Xx

  • Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and your lovely words Isa84, I really appreciate it and I'm sorry you've had to go through this too but I'm pleased my post has helped you too 😘

    Isn't it terrible that we have to endure things like this, as if infertility & IVF isn't devastating enough on its own πŸ˜”

    The world would be so much better if people thought before speaking and didn't think they knew so much wheh they clearly don't, I would never enforce my opinions on someone so I think it's just shocked me that others do so thoughtlessy.

    I am feeling better now actually, thanks to yours & Kats replies, I feel more angry than sad now! Having said that I'm not going to let him ruin my evening and I hope that person doesn't ruin yours either. Lots of love & luck to you too Hun xxx

  • I'm feeling better so thank you, I hope you have a lovely weekend with your husband. I plan to as well.

    Lots of love and luck to you too xx

  • 😘

  • Hi, sorry to hear that you had had to put up with someones ignorance, please don't allow them any more of your time or thoughts, they know nothing about what you, (and other ladies) nor what you are, and have been going through, only people who go through any situation will know the full impact, you are a strong person so don't let anybody tell you any different, well done on starting to do volunteer work, i volunteer in a charity shop, after being early retired through ill health and I absolutely love it, I hope you enjoy it, take care xx

  • Thanks so much littleR, I really appreciate your kind words xx

  • Through this process I have been amazed at some of the insensitive comments you get. People who haven't been through infertility just don't seem to understand how hard it is. It took me by surprise how emotionally beaten down I am not to mention the physical side effects. I've had a lot of time off sick during this process and get that same sense from some people as to why I can't cope to do both! Pity this man who has an inability to empathise and brush it off. You have enough to deal with. You are doing nothing wrong. Remember what it is that is important and concentrate on giving you and your body the best possible preparation for your next cycle. Best wishes xx

  • Thank you anna0908, it's lovely to know I'm not alone but so sad to hear so many of you have to put up with this at probably the hardest time in our lives πŸ˜” You're right about pitying him though, I would hate to think I'd upset someone like this.

    I hope you feel better asap & things go well for you in the future xx

  • Hello Georgina,

    Very sorry to hear first of all that your recent ivf cycle didn't go to plan - I am in a very similar position as you, our first ivf cycle also failed a few weeks ago ; I was also diagnosed with severe endo at the end of last year.

    I think you have done 100% the right thing in taking a career break while you go through the fertility treatment, I really do. I work full time and while my employer has been really great about time off for appointments etc - I have been really shattered post-IVF and wish I could have a prolonged break from work when we go for attempt number 2. Please don't let this persons opinions upset you - working full time with both endo AND going through ivf takes such a lot of energy, which as we know with endo can be a rare commodity 😯. It's easy for people to pass comment when it's not them who are actually in that position. Use this time to heal and relax as much as you can ahead of your 2nd cycle.

    I was at work when I started bleeding a few days before our pregnancy test date, it was such an awful feeling - my Mum kept saying I should have taken the time off but I had no holidays left and thought it'll be fine to just plod on. Not that working while on the 2ww automatically puts you at a disadvantage, but I wish I'd just cocooned myself up at home those last few days.

    You have definitely made the right decision - this is such an important time for you both, continue with confidence and I wish you all the very best! Take good care XXXX

  • Thank you carrie75, sorry to hear you have endo too, life is hard with it isn't it. Thanks for your support and I really hope you get your happy ending very soon too 😘 xx

  • It's none of his business! I understand your reasons and you've got to do what is right for you and after 20 years working having some time out isn't a biggy. After all if you'd had babies earlier you'd have had maternity leave, may worked part time or stayed at home full time. He probably has an opinion on these options too. Ignore him, I know this is easier said then done, or try to avoid him.

    Good luck with the volunteering and your next round of treatment.

  • Thanks pm27, that's very true and yes I guess a few months out isn't a big deal in the big scheme of things, I will be returning to work later this year so I should just make the most of this time & enjoy volunteering. I will be avoiding him! Luckily it won't be too difficult. Thanks xx

  • Hey petal. You have a right to be upset and annoyed, other people's thoughts and insensitives towards others are just that - insensitive and downright ignorant. I took time off work when we went through IVF (failed) recently and it is needed to focus entirely on treatment as the aspect of everything you are going through physically and emotionally can be tough.

    Please don't doubt your decision petal, this man doesn't know anything about your journey and the impact it can have on you.

    Take care and forget this nobody he not worth your thoughts xxx

  • I agree like you said it's none of his business at the end of the day you have to do what's right for you, I an working at the minute and my employer has not been supportive throughout my whole ivf process. One minute it's fine for apps then it's not!! I would of loved to be able to have had the time off throughout its one last thing to have to stress about. I also have endometriosis and that it's self can be a royal pain in the backside. Nobody should ever make comment until they've stepped in your shoes and been on your journey. I've had a comment of well you know when "normal women" get pregnant!! I just shrug the crap off nothing to do with anyone apart from you and Hubby the choices you make. You do what you have to do, I say two fingers upto the people who have to pass judgement regarding something they know nothing about. Best of luck on your next journey fingers crossed for you xx

  • That's exactly why we didn't tell anyone except a couple that went through the same. No one can understand unless they went through the ups and downs the heart breaks the hopes the wait the disappointment the blame the depression..... It's so easy for someone to say the river is shallow while standing on the side.

  • Erm it's no ones business except yours and ur husbands Hun quit worrying about others this is your time xx

  • Just wanted to say a big thanks to all you ladies for taking the time to respond to my post and making me feel so much better, I have forgotten about his words with your help 😊 Xx

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