Thank you to those lovely people who wrote kind and positive words after my last post. I wish I could reply with the 'it is all good' response but yesterday I went for the 6 week scan and nothing could be seen. Eventually something very tiny was found, meaning the suggestion of an ectopic pregnancy started to be focused on less and less (thank God for that at least) but nevertheless the ultrasound was cause for concern.
I had a blood test and will now probably have to have a series of bloods taken for further investigations; I can't help but think that there must be something wrong with my eggs as they always implant but do not develop past the egg sack stage. In which case, it would have been kinder to know before the three miscarriages and the three years of tablets and injections.
The lovely nurse who did my scan was clearly heartbroken for us, but really it seems to me that there is little point in doing this again given the result has repeated itself three times in one year. I'm outraged that yesterday didn't have a positive outcome after I was about passing out with nerves and my husband was so excited. We were scared but we felt that was down to last December being so utterly devastating. To have the exact thing happen at the same time of year just seems to inhuman and cruel. I am angry that nature seems to want to do this to us-we aren't perfect but we are good people!
In the meantime, I am stuck on my sofa with the same view, the same prospects and the same feelings I had last year- I became so depressed last winter that I scared myself with my own thoughts. What do I do this time? My mum wants me to get a doctor note and take time off work. The stress of passing my job over for a couple of weeks is unbearable for me, but equally I know I am at the start of this experience and could very easily slip out of control again, And then I will have endless questions at work from kids and staff asking where I have been!!
I did turn round to my husband yesterday and say if the decision had to be made today I would sign up for adoption in a heartbeat. I have been thinking of adoption for over a year now, but didn't want to give up on my own without good reason. I hate not being able to do anything about this for myself- also, am still physically 'pregnant' so there's the whole waiting for that to be solved. Not something to risk experiencing in the work place... My husband has agreed that we go to the counsellor later in January together this time and discuss our options with her, which I agree with. If we go for tests and we are given a clear reason to do this again then maybe we will, but that will be for me not for my husband as he clearly doesn't want to go through this again.
I am sorry to be so negative as I know the last thing people want to near about is what happens if it goes wrong. If anyone has any advice on how to cope with the next few weeks or even moving on to adoption I would be keen to hear from you. Perhaps this has happened to someone else and they can suggest why I hold on to implanted pregnancies and show all the signs but never get to see a 6 week heartbeat?