Worst fears came true

Thank you to those lovely people who wrote kind and positive words after my last post. I wish I could reply with the 'it is all good' response but yesterday I went for the 6 week scan and nothing could be seen. Eventually something very tiny was found, meaning the suggestion of an ectopic pregnancy started to be focused on less and less (thank God for that at least) but nevertheless the ultrasound was cause for concern.

I had a blood test and will now probably have to have a series of bloods taken for further investigations; I can't help but think that there must be something wrong with my eggs as they always implant but do not develop past the egg sack stage. In which case, it would have been kinder to know before the three miscarriages and the three years of tablets and injections.

The lovely nurse who did my scan was clearly heartbroken for us, but really it seems to me that there is little point in doing this again given the result has repeated itself three times in one year. I'm outraged that yesterday didn't have a positive outcome after I was about passing out with nerves and my husband was so excited. We were scared but we felt that was down to last December being so utterly devastating. To have the exact thing happen at the same time of year just seems to inhuman and cruel. I am angry that nature seems to want to do this to us-we aren't perfect but we are good people!

In the meantime, I am stuck on my sofa with the same view, the same prospects and the same feelings I had last year- I became so depressed last winter that I scared myself with my own thoughts. What do I do this time? My mum wants me to get a doctor note and take time off work. The stress of passing my job over for a couple of weeks is unbearable for me, but equally I know I am at the start of this experience and could very easily slip out of control again, And then I will have endless questions at work from kids and staff asking where I have been!!

I did turn round to my husband yesterday and say if the decision had to be made today I would sign up for adoption in a heartbeat. I have been thinking of adoption for over a year now, but didn't want to give up on my own without good reason. I hate not being able to do anything about this for myself- also, am still physically 'pregnant' so there's the whole waiting for that to be solved. Not something to risk experiencing in the work place... My husband has agreed that we go to the counsellor later in January together this time and discuss our options with her, which I agree with. If we go for tests and we are given a clear reason to do this again then maybe we will, but that will be for me not for my husband as he clearly doesn't want to go through this again.

I am sorry to be so negative as I know the last thing people want to near about is what happens if it goes wrong. If anyone has any advice on how to cope with the next few weeks or even moving on to adoption I would be keen to hear from you. Perhaps this has happened to someone else and they can suggest why I hold on to implanted pregnancies and show all the signs but never get to see a 6 week heartbeat?

4 Replies

  • Hello. I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. It's awful. I think now you have had three you can push for further investigations in why it's happening. As for dealing with this. I would take time of work as your mum has suggested, it will give you space to deal with this and the tests you will need. When I had my misscarriage last year in December I was told I needed to be of work. And it's the best decision I made. I had two weeks of. Also just take a day at a time. Don't rush into anything. Do what you want to do and when.

    Take care.

    Lots and lots of love.


  • Sorry to hear this, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I think what Piglet said about 3 miscarriages being the trigger for further testing is right. I can understand why you might not want to go through this again but it might give you some closure to do the testing and understand why it's happening - particularly if they all got to the same stage. I think discussing your options with a counsellor sounds like a sensible step. If it is your eggs which have caused it then could donor eggs be an option? In the meantime look after yourself and give yourself time to grieve properly.

  • Wow....what can anyone say to make it better.

    You are strong beyond measure to have already endured the 2 and now 3 miscarriages, the strength of both you and hubby is powerful because you are still fighting the fight and not giving up, at this stage that says a lot.

    Take time out revive yourself even when you think you have hit rock bottom and your thoughts are nothing but negative remember after the first 2 you

    Fought back so not this is going to be another fight to get back up.

    When you are weak let hubby hold you, tired then rest, crying then let him wipe your tears, take 1 day as the first day and so on. Don't try to plan when you can't see tomorrow just get beyond today. Everything doesn't have a reason which is why it is harder to accept...

    You are right life is not fair especially on our journeys some have great luck other have some as others have none.

    As the other ladies have said get the tests done, take time off if it is right for you, perhaps a mini break for you and hubby even if you don't speak just hold each other you will probably both deal with the grief differently but still be there for each other. Don't rush your next steps and don't let this take away the life you had before and don't let it dictate the life you have after....

    I wish you well and massive hugs to you both 😘

  • Hello

    I am so sorry to hear everything you've been through Alexandra. Speaking to a counsellor sounds like the right thing to do. I went for counselling and one of the things she suggested was putting a limit on long I was prepared to keep trying for and how many times I was prepared to go through IVF. The timescale wasn't to be set in stone and was something she said I was free to revisit later but she felt I would benefit from this.

    I think adoption is a separate journey and I felt like I needed to exhaust this road (IVF) first. It may be, that after everything you've been through you have exhausted the natural conception/IVF route and you are ready to move to a difference stage. But, if not I would definitely recommend putting a limit on how many more times you're prepared to put yourself through IVF.

    Take care x

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