Grief at the most innapropriate time.

[jray19]

Help. Grief at the most innapropriate time.

I'm at my father in law's 80th birthday celebration and stayed for the family meal last night. I have a cold, so was going to leave early today and miss the additional party for his family and friends this lunchtime. My mother in law was ok with us leaving and missing this, but then my father in law was upset. So we decided to stay for the party, but my husband take part, and I be upstairs in bed so as not to pass on my cold. (My father in law has poor health and it is not good if he catches a cold).

The problem is, it's only 2 months since the loss of our 12 week baby- laparoscopy at for tubal ectopic, IVF- 1st round, no children, age 39....and this is the first time I've visited this side of my family since.

I had two quiet, separate conversations with my m in law and f in law, who asked how my recovery has been , and asked of when we are trying again, whether we should just try naturally and don't need IVF. My f in law seems to think it was a miscarraige and talked philosphically anout how common these are and how we can try again. In my head I felt like telling what happened but refrained- it's not the subject for right now- and after we talked, I felt the overwhelming need to cry.

I am upstairs and have been crying for an hour. These conversations, the disappointment that I cannot take part in the celebrations as I'm ill, feeling sad that my f in law was upset by a plan I thought he was ok with, seeing my 2 neices and nephew and thinking one could have looked like our baby as she looks like my husband, and all I can hear is guests arriving and laughter and I want to go home because I cannot stop crying and don't want anyone to know.

My husband has brought up cups of tea and will bring food- and the message to the family is I'm ill in bed, and my husband is staying for another 2 hours and we will drive home. I wanted to go on my own by train and him stay but he said that would look bad.

I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. This is so awkward.

[Parentsofangels]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Our first Ivf we lost twin one very early, and my daughter way born at 17.2wks in July and her cremation was August, still not had all the additional testing on myself completed although grateful the hysteroscopy is over and results ok. I've seen OH parents twice since, his sister not at all because of her behaviour over it all. They've been increasingly hurtful to him so honestly, I'm unwilling to see them now. I have been told I need to get over it, I need to move on, need to stop flooding everywhere with things about our daughter because it upsets them. I have no ability to pussy foot around people as I have for nearly a decade over our fertility and others cruel assumptions over it and our grief. Don't feel bad for needing space or time to grieve. Don't know if you're till there, but if you need to go tell your hubby and go. Maybe hubby can at another time maybe later, have a word and explain to them what actually happened if you are ok with that. One thing that is very hurtful is how very few people realise I gave birth to a daughter, like it was just a blip I'll get over. A loss is a loss, it's painful and cruel, you have every right and completely natural to feel how you do. Lots of love and thinking of you xxx

[Hepzibah]

Oh God. What a situation. I have done similar at my father-in-law's 80th... everyone wondered where I'd gone, and I'd just ran out of the pub and sat in the car, bawling. I do know how you feel. It will get better, but only as an when you can cope with it. The next family party, I did the opposite and just got completely trashed in order to deal with it (not good, I know). At the moment, I am feeling in control. But I know there'll be more disappointement[s] to come. How are you feeling now?

[smallcat]

Really feel for you. It is awful to feel trapped in a situation where all you want to do is go home. Hopefully you are now on your way home and your DH has not stayed too long after the lunch. As parentsofangels has suggested, perhaps you can get your DH to explain the full story to his parents on a separate occasion if you feel they should know. But it depends how understanding & sensitive they are in general. But while you're feeling vulnerable and understandably upset you're probably best just avoiding them, especially if they can't provide the support. Just look after yourself and save your energy. Perhaps another time it will be healing to talk to them openly.

I know that personally only maybe two people in my whole family that I would trust not to make an ill informed comment or make me feel worse. So that's why I don't trust my family, and choose good friends and my DH instead.

Take care and hope you get some respite soon,

xxx

[jray19]

Hi

I'm home now, and thank-you for your replies. It made me feel less alone to know others have felt/ done the same!

They meant no harm and were trying to be supportive- it's just difficult when the wrong things are said. My husband told his sister and made a plan to exit, and she told my mother in law.

I feel bad they know I was upset, but had no other way to get out, as our car was blocked in by a guest and dessert was being served- so had to say I was feeling really ill and go.

It was a big celebration and it feels awful not being part of it and them knowing I was upset as didn't want them to feel bad.

I can't control this grief- it's too raw and unpredictable. I guess we all understand each other on this forum. Yes- maybe next visit at Xmas I will just get hammered also!!!

[Sparkles_DT]

I'm so sorry to hear of yours and your husbands loss, I'm very new to this process so unfortunately I don't feel I can be of much help, but reading this brought tears to my eyes and made me realise how hard this process really is, nobody really understands unless they are going through it themselves, family and friends struggle to say the right things because I believe they really don't understand it all and think it's just a simple implant of an egg. Life most definitely challenges us, you are a very strong person for going through what you are and still attending the party and I'm sure your father in law and husband will totally appreciate you attending. Sending lots of hugs to you. xx

[Hidden]

Oh hon, i really really feel for you, unless people are going through this they have no idea and even then everyone seems to have different experiences.

Concentrate on what you need, you are the most important in this.

Those comments if just stop trying, thinking, obsessing, are so hurtful and make me so angry. They are said so flippantly and without understanding.

The aaah well u can always try again us a cracker too. Like you are trying a different brand of tea to see which you prefer

Please understand, you are normal, you are human, what you are going through is a nightmare and hell. You are an amazing individual and you can do this

You will get through this

Xx

[Hopeful1982]

Jrau19,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this yesterday. Sometimes the grief associated with infertility is all consuming. I've found myself locked in the loos at parties crying to compose myself! It's fine that you needed some time out to have a good cry. Sometimes you need to let all the pain and grief out regardless of whether it suits everyone else! It's nice to hear that your hubby looked after you by bringing you cups of tea and I think getting the train home whilst feeling the way you did would have been a bad idea.

I know the pain that can come

with seeing nieces and nephews that look like your hubby. My BiL (who has been real cruel and insensitive about our infertility) had a baby last year. I've never admitted it to my hubby but I found it tough seeing her at times particularly when his family sit and discuss who she resembles. It can be really painful.

I hope your feeling a bit better today. Take care and be kind to yourself x

P.s. If you are really struggling with the grief it might be good to see a counsellor. I did his when I was at my lowest point and it made such a difference to how I felt.

[Kat9lives]

I am so sorry for your loss. You have been through such upheaval, sorrow and loss, it must be so hard to get your head around let alone deal with the grief. It is only natural that you feel upset and human to need time to process things in your own way. Sometimes I think family and friends do don't know how to be sensitive to such situations, because they don't understand what it is like. If they love you and your partner, they will have your best interests at heart, but that doesn't mean you should adjust how you're feeling to make them feel better. You are entitled to grieve and entitled to feel a whole mixture of emotions at your own pace and in your own way. Be true to yourself, be kind to yourself and put you and your partner first throughout all of this. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person as you're worrying about what others think, but now it's time to put your first. Take time for yourself and if they love you they will understand, even if not right away. Friends and family can be so insensitive about the whole IVF process without meaning to be, and when needed I've been quite honest and told them exactly what bugs me. My father in law said he felt uneasy that the rest of his family didn't know we were going through IVF and worried about what to tell them if asked. I was quite blunt but told him it was none of their business and we would appreciate them keeping it to themselves as it is personal to us. He didn't mean anything by it but it bothered me that he would even worry about that. This forum is amazing, and filled with so many positive and supportive people, it's such a source of comfort to share thoughts and feelings with people who understand what it is like to go through IVF.

I can't imagine what you must be going through, but you must not lose hope. Stay strong and be there for each other. and take time to grieve. Xx

[jray19]

Thank-you. It's good to share grief stories. I do tend to put others first, and that supressed my grief for a while, so this is a good reminder.

I am having some counselling, which is helpful, especially as I have also had two family bereavements on top of this. It's been a difficult time but I feel telieved that the numbness has gone and emotions are there! (Just wish I could choose when they surface!!!)

I really appreciate the support on this website. You are right to say ivf is a private matter. It feels so intrusive when family give advice on when/ how to procreate, however well meaning!

X

[Hidden in reply to jray19]

How you feeling hon?

[jray19]

I'm feeling very tired thank-you, but glad to be at home doing nothing for a day. What a rollercoaster it all is!!!😊