I only want a family of our own 😒

I just need to get this out, so sorry's in advance for the ramblings.

I'm just fed up, exhausted of it all, and so desperately sad. I miss my little baby. I'm sad I'm back to waiting for doctors and results and start dates. Think I've lost all tolerance of people's perception of our infertility, of our grief, and having to explain it all after being emotionally battered by family and friends for supposedly "punishing them" or "flooding everywhere with our grief which is upsetting for them".

How are we supposed to go on without our daughter, fight another Ivf day, without the love and support of family?! If I'm totally honest it was lacking for many years, until we were pregnant, she changed all that making them finally include me and share in our joy. It's all gone.

My life has been about statistics, logical numbers. But they don't help me anymore. I'm just sick of being here.

11 Replies

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  • Lots of love honey, hugs πŸ’– Xx

  • Hugs xxxx

  • Slow down and breathe!! You need time, so sorry to hear your loss, such a shame u don't have the support from your family...

    I feel your pain, But you need time for you and your husband. Think of you two, don't give a thought for people who don't care about you... Ivf is a hard road, And it takes time.... I hope all goes well for u...

  • It's tough when people you think will be the most supportive turn out not to be!

    If you want them to know how you feel, how they make you feel and what you are facing, would it be worth writing them a letter?

    You could send it to them, it would be a one way conversation. If you didn't want to send it, you could just burn it after.

    It's a horrible and difficult situation x

  • So sorry you're feeling this sad, I've found friends/family have a limited capacity for support.. Family ask lots of questions while we're having treatment and then when it's failed just seem to think I should pick myself up and get on with it

    Friends have got bored with the whole journey and most hardly ask anymore..

    It's tough when it's our whole world and all consuming, big hugs xxxx

  • I really feel for you, it must be so painful and then to not have the support you deserve seems so cold of your family. In general people don't know what they are supposed to say and do for bereaved people, it isn't taught to us but people who care enough can easily learn by reading information on how to help. So really it's up to them to make the effort, not up to you to educate them.

    It is still such early days for you to be grieving, so I find it so unforgiveable that your family wouldn't realise that and be of more help. Personally I have never had emotional support from either parent over anything and grew up knowing that, so I have never relied on my family to provide that. So when it came to doing IVF I had no problem in not telling my family about it. Doesn't mean I don't blame them for their self cultivated ignorance, but it made things simpler for me. My partner is a wonderful support and I have two friends I speak to.

    Families can fail us, it is far too common for family members to fail to be the support network we all hope for. Please just take some time to be with your partner and do whatever you need to feel some healing, you can love yourself and your partner, make yourself the top priority. Once you feel strong enough you might want to address your family members, perhaps via letter (as suggested) but I would simply distance yourself from them until you feel better in yourself.

    I hope you're still getting counselling, I think I read your earlier posts that you are.

    It helped me so much over the years in separating myself from the reactions and harsh expectations of my family. Also I found Reiki really helpful in healing myself.

    All by best wishes and many healing hugs,

    xxx

  • Sweetie it's not that your family and friends don't love you....its just that they are overwhelmed and don't know how to handle this. I'm not making it about them....but the reality is they havnt been in your shoes and will never know the depth of your heartache. Don't write them off. Fact is as a society We are lousy at dealing with grief...Noone ever tells us how to cope/react so we screw it up way too often! Maybe in time you could reach out to one family member and talk it through. But before then. Have you got a bereavement support group to help you. Sounds to me you need a safe place to open up and lots of love to walk you through this. Please find some help ..there r lots of lovely people out there with big hearts who have survived loss and would want to help you. It will get better ...hang on in there invest in your healing and don't give up on your family ☺

  • We have been in touch with SANDS who have a local support group, alas they can only really meet up every 5 or so weeks, but they are of huge support to us. However, several admit they know little of the stress and grief from Ivf and ttc with difficulty. 3 of the ladies who lost their children just before we did have already fallen pregnant without actively trying, and have all admitted they really feel for us not having that option. One whom I'm particularly close to said how deciding to try again and having that choice and ability was a big part of their joint healing together and she can't imagine how hard it must be not having that option, or difficulties in that area. We are seeing a new counsellor, but sometime as with all grief, you take a step back before going forward, it's just really tough sometimes xxx

  • Thank you all for taking the time to reply, and having such empathy and just saying sorry this sucks is such a help. Don't get me wrong, it's not all our family, mainly my other half's family. The day Annabelle died his mum text me (not that I was able to read with that amount of morphine and gas&air in my system), saying she understood we wouldn't want to see anyone for a while, but not to push her away. Within a few wks both herself and her daughter have accused us of pushing them away, making up illnesses to not see them (gastroenteritis isn't fun by the way, especially when your admitted to the same hospital where you gave birth), and punishing them for having children when we don't. None of those things even crossed our minds I swear to god!! What makes me really sad is that these things make me want to see them less, yet if my partner goes alone he gets more insensitive things said to him, and none of this by the way is ever EVER said directly to me because I think they know that reaction they would get, instead they hurt us both by hurting my partner knowing he won't yell back, especially not in front of our 8yr old nephew. Being told we need to stop "flooding facebook and such" with things about Annabelle's death because it's stopping us move on and it's upsetting for the family to see the posts was, I fear, the last straw for my partner. He's angry and wanted to speak to his dad about it, but even he is ignoring him now. I completely appreciate they don't know what to say, who the hell does, but I think it's the turning it to be about them that hurts actually. My partner and I are our no.1 priority, we did Ivf alone once, we'll do it again, just so very sad we have to distance ourselves from loved ones in order to grieve their granddaughter. Sadly if I were to say anything I fear his mum would use words against me to further alienate us, she doesn't take any form of criticism well, no matter how well intended 😯

    Our counsellor unfortunately didn't pan out smallcat, she could only see us every 5 or so weeks and was quite unprofessional on our lap visit, but good news is we are seeing someone new who specialises in babyloss, and had Ivf themselves, so hoping will be a better fit.

    Thank you all again for listening to me ramble. I'm hoping with time and patience on our part that they'll come around if nothing but my partners sake. Hate seeing him like this xx

  • Don't know what to say really, except to repeat some of the things already said. Some people don't seem to know what to do or say when faced with grief and hurt of others. Spend time with your partner and other supportive people. Hopefully his family will come round in time but if they don't you've got each other.

    Sending you a virtual hug.

  • Sending lots of love πŸ’ Xx

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