Recently our first cycle failed which has just turned my world upside down. My partner has just been able to bounce back into his life, right where we left off whilst I'm full of sadness, grief and frustration. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty resentful of him and his ability to move on so quickly. His sister is seriously ill at the moment which is dreadful but I feel completely forgotten and abandoned by him in all this. For him its over and done with and his sister's situation is now the priority and for me I'm just unendingly, unbelievably sad and I feel completely alone. I know he's upset about it failing but we're just so different in the way we handle stuff. His sisters situation has just compounded everything (God I sound like an absolute bitch) but I have zero emotional capacity at the moment for anything else.
Maybe its just us but our experiences and reactions are so different its left me wondering how the hell our relationship is supposed to survive all this...
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I’m sorry you and your Husband are going through so much with the ivf and his Sister. It’s worth bearing in mind that most men have completely different coping mechanisms to us ladies and it can be seen as a sign of weakness to show much in the way of emotions. My Hubby has only cried once and that was after our first baby died. He didn’t cry for our next one. He’s able to sleep when I can’t. But I know he hurts. He truly thinks that he has to be strong for me. He actually said he has to be strong for me. Yes we deal with things differently but he is my rock. He is my best friend. Try to keep the lines of communication open about the ivf failing while being mindful of his Sister’s situation. With time it does get easier. Thinking of you xx
I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much. I would really recommend using your clinics counselling service if you can, it has really helped my husband and I to see a counsellor. X
I know how you feel, my oh has a daughter already and he doesn’t react to things in the way I think he should and I put this down to the fact he has a child already and isn’t that bothered, I know he is really but it’s how I think! (I’m
You aren't crazy. Or maybe we are both crazy but I do often feel like he isn't all that bothered. I know he is really but he has a funny way of showing it sometimes that just plays to all my worries.
My DH didn't see it helping him either but I asked him to do it for me, not for him and that helped to convince him x
Hi we’ve had two losses (not ivf) and after the first my partner kept it all to himself seemed ok but was getting depressed we nearly split because he couldn’t talk about how he was feeling. His mother has Alzheimer’s and it’s really hard emotionally for him and then we had our 2nd mc he said he found this one even harder. He seems ok but sometimes goes all quiet or moody men do deal with things differently.
I completely relate to this. I love my other half so much. We’re best friends, make each other laugh and have the best time together, but on the issue of infertility we’re at loggerheads. My grief and devastation is overwhelming and goes into uncontrollable levels in the lead up to my period. He believes my anger and distress is aimed at him and takes offence to it. How to make him understand that every month I’m experiencing the absence of the family I long desperately to give him, and the crushing sadness of the two miscarriages we’ve already had, not to mention a creeping fear that he’ll leave me because I can’t do what so many other women do without issue? And all this without the backdrop of a seriously ill sibling.
We’re trying not to let this drown us. Underneath this heartbreak is our love for each other which, ironically, is where this all began. I’m sure it’s the same for you and I truly hope you can keep communication open, as hard as that can be at times of intense grief.
Counselling is the next step for us after our wedding in a few weeks. Infertility has robbed me of so much, and I can’t let it rob me of my best friend so I’m going to hold him tight and find a way through it. I hope you can too xxx
As a husband, the way men deal with this is completely different. We tend to take the head in the sand and throw ourselves into something, work, family, etc. It sounds like that's what he's doing. Its not that he doesn't care, have you told him how you feel? Asked him how he feels?
My wife forced me to go to couple counselling through our IVF journey and I found I really could open up, it helped us as they were things we wanted to say to each other but couldn't.
It is such a test on relationships, so don't worry that you and your husband are unusual in any way. You also have another big thing going on with his sister which adds to the pressure.
Sometimes it helps to have another person other than your husband that you can share with too, I have one friend that I can be open with (she has been through IVF and losses) and a sister who I can moan too no end.
It really helped us when I stopped expecting my husband to behave in a particular way, or to be as obsessed or as upset as I might be at the various hurdles in the journey. I understand better how he is dealing with it now and in return he is more understanding of my responses and is actually more helpful to me. I went from thinking he didn't care as much to now seeing him as a solid rock to lean on. He has also said he tries to remain strong for me, which is great and I try and probe how he is feeling and processing too, so he gets to share, but honestly sometimes he is just remaining pragmatic and isn't emotional and I have to accept that's ok and allowed.
Ultimately this is a whole new layer of hard that only IVF couples have to navigate, so cut your relationship some slack and start slowly. Even if that means having a counselling session yourself before he feels able to join you. Do what you need to do and don't loose hope in your relationship or in your goal to have a baby xx
Hey I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s difficulties. Ive thought the same as you ‘how the hell can we survive?’. It’s very very tough. Interesting to read other people’s comments on here and helpful I think for me to read that it seems that a lot of couples are struggling under the pressure - it’s not just us. We are going to try counselling together next. I wish you all the best ❤️ Xxx
I’m so sorry to hear this. My husband deals with things very different to me too. And rarely shows emotion. Just because outwardly he isn’t displaying it doesn’t mean that he’s not heartbroken though. My husband is ex military and is against attending the counselling too so I get it. You are definitely not a bitch. xxx
Hi, I really feel for you, myself and my partner have learnt so much (far more than we wanted to know) about our different reactions and coping mechanisms to grief in the last 3 years. We’ve had tears, anger, frustration, despair - and when you have something else thrown in, like his sister’s illness, it’s like a massive curveball. Try to nurture and look after yourself right now, maybe look to other people to provide some support - our partners can’t always be there for us just as we can’t always be there for them. I hope you have friends and family who can support you and this forum is always here for support xxx
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