I just want to scream! 😤

[PurpleLove19]

So this is week 2 being back at work. Until yesterday I’ve been positive and a bit like my old bouncy self. But when there’s highs there’s a low!

Today is one of them lows. I just woke up feeling so disorganised with everything. Work, personal, finances the lot. The fact the clinic are messing us about doesn’t help!

I’ve mentioned before I sit away from the staffroom at lunchtimes- my safe place when feeling up and down. Obviously rainy days = wet, indoor playtimes. So I’ve had to go into the staffroom. Yesterday’s topic of conversation was the Royal Baby and today was a colleagues baby which was born today. It was like baby bloody mad! Don’t know where put my face sometimes and that’s when I hate that so many people know my situation as they straight away look at me or I feel they do.

I had a picture shoved under my nose this morning of the new born and then the lady that collects money for people said “I’m doing a collection.” I said “Who for?” She said “Don’t get upset, the new baby of (our colleague)” I almost said “Well now I’m upset!” Why say that??

My husband rang the clinic today to ask about these bloods that can’t be done at the GP and they are now saying that we need to go back to the GP for another assessment? So that we can get funding?

Well hang on, when we went last time we asked the clinic if all the forms for funding would add another 8 months of our lives to the waiting and she said “Nope, it won’t take any time at all.”

To top it off I’m 5lbs heavier today and I think it’s because I’m starting to become so unmotivated. Nothing to look forward to due to not knowing when we will start so the only thing I look forward to these days is my food! Sounds really sad I know!

Let’s hope I have a better day tomorrow.

😔

[2-shades-of-hope]

What a rubbish day. If your colleague knew that the collection might upset you it would have been kinder not to ask you. Indoor playtimes made me smile, it’s like that where I work too. Hope tomorrow is better for you.

[PurpleLove19 in reply to 2-shades-of-hope]

Exactly, I might start putting them on the spot just like they put me! I’m just trying to keep my head down and I don’t want any awkwardness at all because it’s all added to my anxiety.

I said to my husband that I’m so glad that I can go work everyday and act as if I’m okay because if I ever get to breaking point and I have to be signed off they will know I’m not crying wolf.

I act all day and then he gets the miserable version of me. X

[2-shades-of-hope in reply to PurpleLove19]

You are your number one priority, got to put yourself first when you’re going through all this. For me avoidance of people like that is the best tactic and it’s hard when you can’t x

[Emma04]

I get this - people say “I don’t want to have to tell you but ....” and then proceed to go into great detail about a baby that’s just been born. Some days it’s doable and other days it’s ok to run and hide and scream in a cupboard. As a teacher myself (yr 2)I get the wet play thing too as my class room is my hiding place when I can’t face the staff room.

Take care, sending love xxx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Emma04]

Glad it’s not just be then hun. Pitty we can’t all be in the same school and the conversations would be all sensitive 😂. I’m quite lucky at my place to be honest, there’s not many wanting to be pregnant anytime soon and lots that have grown up kids. Just wrong day for me- typical z

[Wannabemammy in reply to PurpleLove19]

Same boat here, new baby and a new pregnancy in the staff room. All the chat is about babies and I’m avoiding everyone as most don’t know about our situation. Debating whether to tell.

[S_asha]

People are so insensitive! So sorry to hear the clinic are messing you about so much I really hope things start to go right for you soon xx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to S_asha]

I really thought we had chosen good- top ratings and no waiting list. X

[Hidden]

I totally hear you! We have a new a new baby on my husbands side and it gets shoved in my face a few weeks ago, I just stood there and cried especially how most people in the family know our situations and yet so thoughtless. To top it off, a colleague down my corridor had a baby a few weeks a go and she brought it in. I was probably the only one who wasn't interested and had to shut the tea room door so I couldn't hear the cooing etc. I know it's not the babies fault but I equally can't help how I feel and think people should think before they act sometimes! Xx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Hidden]

That will be next. The last time a newborn was brought to work without warning I accidentally put my yoghurt in the microwave as I wasn’t concentrating at all! I shall not be round for that.

Newborn on its way in my family I’m really struggling with it. I want to be part of all the excitement but equally with a bump/baby of my own! I’m struggling see my family being excited and talking about it- the green eyed monster comes out x

[Running79]

I have only told two people at work that we are going g through IVF, I’ve told my bosses I have woman’s issues so they don’t probe any further as they are men, and men tend to freak out as soon as they hear that. My close family know what’s happening and are mindful of what they say and do but the thing that gets me is FB, someone I know who is the same age as me put her 12 week scan picture up, thus sent me into mixed emotions of anger and upset, as we are struggling to get pregnant and she’s done it no issue I felt (although she doesn’t know our situation) it was rubbing it in my face, especially with all the congratulation messages, but on the other hand I felt an overwhelming sensation of her sheer stupidity for posting such a picture as firstly she didn’t know other peoples situations and secondly it doesn’t mean she will actually carry the child full term. Very crazy thoughts I know must be the hormones

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Running79]

I know I always feel that people are rubbing it in. They aren’t really, they are just happy. I think about how I would be had I not been through all this and I’d probs be the same. Although I don’t agree with sharing scan photos, that’s my opinion, I think they are private. I aren’t a fan of finding out the gender to me it’s knowing a baby is healthy inside of you at 20weeks not if I go and buy pink or blue. I certainly don’t like names being shared either. So actually I wouldn’t be like the rest of them.

I would now ,if it ever happens, share my news in a sensitive way.

My cousin knows the sex and has named her already. My sister in law did. Just isn’t my way at all.

I saw a girl recently shared her news and she mentioned that she never thought she would see the day which I found refreshing. Now she’s had the baby I’ve seen no photos or anything and I think yes- enjoy your baby and when you get 5 mins get some sleep or watch a programme or clean up. Don’t let fb be the first thing you think about. Anyway that’s my rant.

My nan told me that my cousin was finding out the sex before the 20wk scan and was paying private. I said why? She said because she wants to get the right colour in the Next sale! My blood boiled on the spot. Like that’s what’s important really!

Sharing sensitive posts on here is obvs acceptable though.

The woman at work who had hers this week knew the gender and name but told no one and everyone at work was like “I bet she had picked the name ages ago as he was wearing a hat with his name on.”

I was ready to scream- “Yes because it’s her business not everyone on Instagram!” X

[Hidden]

I wish people had more sensitivity around infertility.

It’s a difficult enough journey without others contributing to it ☹️

We had a 7 year struggle & 3 surgeries to treat endometriosis ( which took nearly 6 years to diagnose 🙄) & had chemical pregnancy prior to eventually having our baby girl ( due 1st June) yeah we were impatient & had to know!

I didn’t share my journey with many when in the mist of it as I would feel frustrated by thoughtless comments of others; I told close family my best friend & 1 colleague really for support with hospital appointments etc ( she also had suffered infertility & miscarriages before having her 2 now grown up children)

Now I’m pregnant I have shared my struggle with anyone that asks about my pregnancy. I feel the more it’s spoken about the less taboo it becomes & since discovered several colleagues suffered infertility before having children & felt happy they got their happy endings 🙂

I also put a 12 week scan picture on Facebook having sworn I’d never do that said it was so tacky 🙈, but did reference it by sharing our difficult struggle to get pregnant so that those struggling would see someone else who struggled but fell pregnant & with any luck give them some hope they could too. ❤️

I think you are so brave sharing it with colleagues I’m sorry they haven’t been more sensitive. ☹️

I hope things start going smoother for you & I really wish it’s you soon celebrating happy news of your own soon 🤞🏻✨👶🏻💞 xxx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Hidden]

Congratulations hun.

Like I say I don’t even know what I will post and what I won’t. I know my husband will shout it from the rooftops but I may be more reserved as anything could happen.

It’s not like a natural journey is it. Any miscarriage or loss of a baby is awful but I’d feel like for me it was my only chance. A woman said today that she held her breath for 9 months until her now grown up son was born.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and good luck with the birth x

[Running79]

Dace19 your certainly not ranting - I probably share the majority of opinions that you have!

I’m a very private person so much so I have no problem telling people to their face that my business is none of theirs.

Myself and my husband are so private that apart from 3 people at work who were sworn to secrecy, no one knew we were getting married

[Tillytiger86]

I am a teacher too and I totally understand how you are feeling. I find the staffroom a

very difficult place to be. Two of my colleagues are pregnant so it is always the topic of conversation. I also find sitting in my classroom on my own very isolating so I feel like I just can’t win. Many of the children in my class have baby siblings and love to tell me all about them and 3 of them have pregnant mums who I have to deal with. I just feel so exposed and vulnerable at work. Some of my colleagues know but I get stupid comments from them like “oh now you’re between IVF and FET you’ll probably get pregnant naturally as the stress of TTC has gone!” I mean wow! I feel like the stress of trying to be a normal person at work is just making me miserable and I’m seriously struggling with work going through this. I can go into work and feel like I’m going to have a good day and the tiniest thing will send me into a miserable spiral that I can’t get out of. At the weekends and in the holidays I feel almost normal because I can control my environment. I’m seriously worried about how the stress of work is going to impact my frozen transfer in a few weeks. I think I seriously need a break from the job so I can fully focus on my fertility treatments but I don’t feel like that is an option. I feel totally on empty and I don’t have the energy to put into my job that I think my class deserve.

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Tillytiger86]

You have just explained exactly how I feel doing the job. Pregnant mums at school, the kids themselves and people who I thought were close now distance themselves away from them. I think I’ve been so open and honest because I am the type of woman to snap if someone said anything about ttc so now they say nothing unless I bring it up.

I think my first cycle will be during the busiest term- end of June into July but if we are unlucky and have to wait longer then it’s going to be July-August which is the 6 weeks. So I don’t know if that’s a blessing or il feel my summer will be a waste if it doesn’t work out. Then how will I go back in September and face a brand new class, brand new little faces who are excited to meet you. It’s heart breaking isn’t it.

When does your FE start hun?

My head is really not together, I’m usually a really organised person but my lovely work friend who teaches in the same year as me has really bad anxiety and I was telling her about how my head was and she said that’s my life everyday. She’s the one that organises me. So we work good together. She encouraged me to join her for a walk at lunch yesterday and that was so good for me.

My current class hun I feel aren’t getting what they deserve. I find it really hard to bond and like them and it’s not their fault I’m just one big mess at the moment trying to get on with my life as best I can.

Roll on half term eh! x

[Tillytiger86 in reply to PurpleLove19]

I hope your cycle is sooner rather than later, I feel like the waiting in torturous, why is there a chance that you might have to wait? I started IVF in March but I got OHSS so I couldn’t have my transfer and that happened over the Easter holidays. I must admit I did feel a bit cheated! I should start the meds for my FET in about 10 days ish depending so my transfer will be early June. I teach year 2 and I’m so worried we are going to get moderated or I’m going to get incredibly stressed collating data or doing reports. It was suggested to me to postpone another month but mentally I don’t feel like I can do that either. I am dreading going back in September already and I think I’ve decided if I don’t get pregnant soon I’m going to have to leave by December.

Interesting what you said about not bonding with your class. I’m totally the same I know it’s not them and it’s me. I can’t be organised either I just don’t have the capacity to be the teacher I used to be/want to be. I’m also a giant mess and can’t wait for half term!!

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Tillytiger86]

I know what you mean. Reports, sports days the lot. Mentally and physically you need to wait until the big hols but you just want a baby don’t you so you have to just put that first.

I’m glad there’s someone out there that has a mind set like mine. It’s reassuring and comforting.

I think personally for me with already been signed off for 4 weeks in the Autumn term that id only go off sick again if I physically couldn’t get out of bed. I have to hit that brick wall. I remember when I was off for those 4 weeks I did everything wrong. I spent the first week or so worrying about work, I spoke to people from work so I was never away. I then went back on the recommendation of my doctor and when I returned I was treated like I was normal. So if it ever comes to that again I would firstly cut all communication with work off. I’d turn my phone off if I have to. Don’t even go on my emails and make my doctor more aware of the actual impact it’s had on my mental health so that she doesn’t say I need to return until I’m ready. I think I would also arrange for my return to work before going back too because I didn’t have any return to work for two weeks and that was stressing me out.

Fingers crossed though hun we won’t need to go down that road and we will be planning MAT leave eh!

We have the stress of staffing structure out soon so I have no clue to where I will be. I’ve said to my TA that I want get all thing organised for next year ASAP so that if I do go off for treatment etc then that’s one less thing. X

[Wannabemammy in reply to PurpleLove19]

That’s exactly how I feel too! Work is a constant nightmare for all of the reasons you’ve described above and then I had an absolute meltdown last night which I thought was because my boyfriend was outside cutting the grass instead of making me the lovely meal he’d planned to, but when I reflected upon it, it was due to the coupon I got at Morrison’s when I bought the ingredients which was for their baby club with exclusive discounts. They don’t have a bloody clue how much I’d like to be in the baby club!!!!! My friend suggested some time off but I don’t think that would help, I need routine too so I just can’t win!

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Wannabemammy]

Small triggers everywhere.

Routine is key to a health’ish’ mind x

[Wannabemammy in reply to PurpleLove19]

I’ve been looking around lots of posts on here and think I’m going to try reflexology and acupuncture to help relax. My local salon has me having neck, back and shoulders sports massages already on a monthly basis after the 2 house moves in a year nearly broke me too, so I know that’s helping as I feel better every time!

This month we’ve decided to simply go for it, sod what the blood tests at the doctors say, my Clearblue thingy says I do ovulate just early in the month and my research says my levels on day 21 might be lower than 30 because it’s too late to test! I’m willing to try almost anything and just hoping like hell (most probably irrationally) that we’ve been trying so long because of the stress and our age, and that magically hints will fall into place! I’m off out to buy wellman, wellwoman and preseed!!!! X

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Wannabemammy]

Yes that’s the way hun. We are on those hun. We are just going to try and get our miracle so we can tell these clinics and docs who CBA do their jobs to stick it 😂. (Wishful thinking.) It’s all fun and games until the period comes knocking 🙈 x

[Tillytiger86]

I think when you have waited so many years for something and it hasn’t happened the thought of postponing to fit in with work just isn’t an option, I can’t put work first anymore and neither should you. I pushed through going to work when I was going through IVF I know now I shouldn’t have done and if I ever feel like I did then again I will go to the doctors and get signed off. It’s a thankless job and nobody will ever thank you for coming in at your worst.

I find it really reassuring too to talk to someone who feels exactly the same way I do. I know I am not alone but it can certainly feel that way, it’s good to have a reminder that my feelings are valid and there are other people out there experiencing very much the same.

My whole team are leaving. We are four form entry, one is maternity leave, one is leaving because she can’t handle the stress of the job anymore and the other because she wants a change. So I’m pretty sure they will keep me in my year group to guide a new team so I’m hoping I can get my TA to start working on new labels for me soon! I think it’s a great idea to try and get sorted ASAP. I hadn’t thought of that!

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Tillytiger86]

Just look after you. The school won’t fall down without you and like you say it’s a very thankless job and lots of pressure. I’m going to take it one day at a time x