I've just joined

[LHow81]

I've just joined the site and I'm really just looking for someone to talk too. Me and my husband had been trying for a baby properly for around 4 years before that we'd been doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy for 6 years.. We then decided it was time to seek help and discovered my tubes were blocked and contained fluid that would hinder any IVF chances, I've now had my tubes removed and also lost the 2 stone I had too I also had a bad result on my hormone test and only just made that criteria. I just need to talk to people going through the same things, although my husband is wonderful he can't understand how I feel because this is my fault.. We can't have children because of me. To make it worse a lady where I work has just fallen pregnant at the drop of a hat she's 11 years my junior and already has 1 child and although of course I am happy for her it makes me feel so inadequate. Any way I've rambled and lot sorry just anyone that can offer some advice or support or a kind word... I'm not coping well with all this and worry I'm slipping into depression tears come fast.

[allicat]

It's nobodys fault so don't blame yourself I know that's easier said than done but you have to try. My husband blamed himself when he was told his sperm count was 0 but it wasn't his fault. He had to have his sample retrieved surgically then we had Ivf which hasn't worked so far. At the end of the day we still have each other and theirs always hope. Good luck for the future. xxx

[LHow81]

Thank you for your reply. It is so easier said than done. Good luck with you next round and I'm very glad you have each other.

[Derbyshire_Girl]

Hi LHow81

So sorry to hear about your problems conceiving. You have gone through so much to try to make it all work. Try not to be hard on yourself because it hasn't worked. It's not your fault. I wish you all the best for whatever happens in the future xx

[Scooteeder]

Hi,

Read your post and REALLY felt you needed some support. You are NOT alone in this. Please don't ever feel alone. You've discovered this forum, and that's a start...

I can empathize with what you are going through. I really can. I am now 43, and my chances of having children of my own are pretty much non-existent. I have Endometriosis, as well as Asthma, Chronic Sinusitis, Raynaud's, and Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome. I've had the Asthma and Sinus problems for years, the Endo diagnosis is more recent (just to put the "icing on the cake"!).

I had "problem" periods as a teenager (heavy/irregular/painful) but they were never really investigated or explained - I was merely advised to take the Pill, to mask symptoms. This did make my periods a little more regular, and things settled for a while in my twenties. I fell hopelessly for a guy I met at University; this turned out to be a really BAD experience. We dated for over 4 years, and during that time he was so indecisive about commitment. One moment we would be discussing wedding plans and looking at engagement rings; next moment he would be saying he was too young to settle down and needed a few more years. We lived together, and I met (and got on with) his family, so he gave me the impression it WAS a steady relationship. In the end, I was almost relieved when we split. I reckon he could have kept me stringing along forever! I don't doubt that he flirted with other women behind my back, but he was really possessive over me. Two-faced is the word!

When I met the man who is now my husband I was still struggling with trust issues, so we took the relationship pretty easy at first. We both just wanted to have fun, holidays, buy things... we did not really have plans to have a family. I think we just enjoyed being together, and living together. If anything, it felt like there was too much pressure from family to get married and have kids. Neither of us felt ready at first.

I started having really bad menstrual problems again @ 2002 (I was 31). By this time, my husband and I were thinking about starting a family. However, with very heavy and painful periods, chronic pelvic pain, bloating, water retention, upset stomach and fatigue, I definitely did NOT feel sexy.

In 2006 I was finally referred to a Gynaecologist. I call him "Mr. Incompetent" because he was totally useless! He got my diagnosis wrong, and then failed to provide treatment. He often failed to attend appointments, leaving me to see Junior Doctors and Locums instead. He listened to my long list of unpleasant symptoms, and then decided that my inability to conceive was all down to "anxiety"! REALLY! I've NEVER heard of "anxiety" causing heavy periods, or water retention! The only thing making me anxious was HIM!

After being fobbed off with the Pill and the Mirena, neither of which worked, and both of which prevented pregnancy anyway, I got desperately needed second opinion in 2010. I had my first lap in early 2011 and this confirmed Endo. I've since had 2 more laps, with laser and radical excision of Endo. I'm due yet another one in March!

I've been advised that I'd need IVF to conceive, and even then it would be very risky. The nature and position of my Endo, as well as the number of abdominal surgeries I have had, would make pregnancy high risk, and I've been advised I'd need a Caesarian to give birth. Additionally, I've been told in the past that I am suspected of having Adenomyosis, too. Along with the fact that I am now 43, still in pain, and due another lap, I have kind of accepted that IVF and childbirth is highly unlikely for me. I doubt that my husband an I will be having biological children.

This can be very hard to cope with. Especially because it is not easy to explain to other people, even family and friends. Society seems to take it for granted that couples get married and have kids! I can totally understand what you mean when you say you feel inadequate, and like it's your fault.

I went through a lot of feeling like that, too. Sometimes I still have those feelings. Until you are told you are infertile, you kind of take for granted that things will be OK, and that if one day you want to start a family, you can. Being the person who IS infertile comes with all sorts of "strings attached". You feel somehow "responsible", like you are the one who has "put a stop to everything". You feel somehow "abnormal", like everyone expects you to be able to have kids, but you CAN'T. You look about and see other women with children, and it is natural to feel upset and even a bit jealous.

I totally understand what it is like. There have been times when I've felt like a failure. It is hard to explain, but there is a strong connection between feeling feminine and attractive, and being fertile. A woman (or man) who is infertile feels "let down" by their own body, and this can lead to feeling unattractive or not feminine/not masculine enough. It is natural to compare yourself with other women who do have children, and to wonder what their lives are like, and to feel a bit envious. This is because you are seeing something you would like to have, but worry that you cannot.

A lot of the feelings you are experiencing are perfectly natural - you are not being sully, being morbid, or going crazy. You are experiencing feelings associated with GRIEF and LOSS. Many people seem to think that the only time we feel like this is following a bereavement - this is NOT true. The inability to conceive naturally is also a LOSS. You have lost something that you thought you would be able to do naturally. You have also lost control over your future plans, as you may now have to rely on IVF and artificial ways of conception (which are much more rigid and structured and come with lots of rules). You may fear losing the chance to have children. You may worry about the loss of your femininity. You may be frightened that you could lose your relationship (you may wonder why your husband/partner stays with a woman who cannot conceive). This is all perfectly NATURAL, and is is the fear of LOSS and the GRIEF associated with this that is making you feel the way you do.

I worked for several years in Mental Health Services, and I also have personal experience of infertility, so believe me when I say you are not "abnormal" in any way. You are simply struggling to come to terms with an unpleasant situation that is not your fault. Things like this cause shock; they take time and a lot of getting your head around.

Right now you need support, and space. Sounds an odd combination! What I mean is that you need to know you have supportive people around you, whose assistance you can call on if, and when, you need it. But you also need your own space to come to terms with things in your own time. No pressure - no demands.

Your husband may well need similar. Try to "keep him in the loop". His support and understanding are most important of all. Having children is a SHARED thing - so is NOT HAVING CHILDREN. As a couple, this is something you experience together, as it affects you BOTH.

You also need the assistance of caring and understanding medical professionals to help you BOTH get through this. Infertility is a BIG ISSUE, and you have every right to ask for help - it is NOT a sign of weakness to say you find this hard to deal with. Any GOOD medical professional will make every attempt to understand. They will try to see from your point of view. Put simply - if THEY were in YOUR position how would THEY feel? I reckon pretty similar to you!

Here are just a few things you could try (remember, they are only suggestions - it is up to YOU and your husband to make final decisions as to what you want to do):

1. If you are feeling very miserable and low in mood, you could try talking to your G.P. and requesting Counselling. Make sure that you are clear about why you want Counselling, and check out the type of Counsellor. You could have Counselling on the NHS, or privately. Check out waiting lists. In your case, you are not suffering mental illness - you are dealing with grief/loss and so you need a Counsellor who specialises in dealing with grief and loss, and possibly works, or has worked before, with people suffering infertility. A good resource to look for Counsellors is bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapis...

2. If you are struggling to find ways to explain your fertility problems to family and friends try

resolve.org > Support and Services > Talking About Infertility

3. For general support, and advice about a wide range of infertility-related issues try infertilitynetworkuk.com

I really DO hope that you find something that helps. In the meantime, might I suggest you put your feet up, or go and do something you really enjoy doing. Try to unwind. Try to give yourself some special "me time". Remind yourself regularly of what you HAVE achieved in life, and what you ARE coping with. You might be surprised to find how resilient you actually are...

And make time for having fun and romance with your husband. Infertility can really get in the way of this, and take the edge off any "sexy" feelings you may have. Remind yourself regularly that you are attractive, otherwise hubby would not be with you - clearly HE finds you good looking. Reminds yourself regularly of why you are attracted to your husband. Set aside some "couple time".Kids or no kids, being a happy, loving couple is STILL important. If you stick together you show you CAN cope TOGETHER.

Good luck & best wishes to you (and your hubby),

Elaine Ellis.

(Big hugs... keep hoping!).

[lucylockett77 in reply to Scooteeder]

Hi There I have only just found this site and I noticed that this was posted 5 months ago so I hope you get this!

I read your post and just sat there nodding along... that's exactly how it feels and it's painful! I felt so lonely until about 2 minutes ago x

[LHow81 in reply to lucylockett77]

Glad you found us Lucy I check on here a fair bit so will be here if you need to talk. X

[lucylockett77 in reply to LHow81]

Hi there! Thanks for the reply, look forward to chatting with you x

[piperfan33]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time - it is undoubtedly a very hard journey. My husband and I tried for almost 4 years before we started treatment. Initially all our investigations came back fine, so we thought we had unexplained infertility. However summer 2012, just as we were due to start IUI, I was diagnosed with two large cysts on my ovaries. It turns out I have endometriosis. I can remember feeling just like you - that it was my fault we couldn't have children. Although on one level you know that it isn't anyone's fault it is hard not to feel guilty - it is such an emotional time. If the situation was reversed you wouldn't blame your husband so you need to keep the reasons you would give him at the front of your mind and go easy on yourself. Going through IVF will be hardest on you physically and you will need all your strength. It is so hard as well when people around you just seem to fall pregnant easily - especially when you have worked so hard to lose weight and been through surgery.

I sincerely wish you all the best and hopefully it will work out for you. I have been very lucky - our second cycle of IVF has resulted my current pregnancy. Hopefully you will be similarly lucky. You are doing the the right thing - get as much support as you can from as many sources as you can. Take care. Xx

[LHow81]

Thank you all so much, I want to ask for real life help as well because I am really not having a good time of it and there are some scary thoughts running through my head but at the same time I am really scared if I admit my feelings to a "professional" they might not help me with the IVF.