The Unborn Mother
Nothing has changed yet I am completely different
I may look the same. Same body. Same life.
But inside my heart is broken
My belly is bruised and bloated from the nightly needles
My vein punctured from the sucking syringe
My eyes are hollow, empty
Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.
I close my eyes and shut out the world
So it is just me and you
My little unborn non-existent baby
You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby.
No one told me, of this waiting, wanting.
Thousands of poems and songs to describe unrequited romantic love
But what of a mothers love when that mother does not yet exist?
The unborn mother. Waiting. Wanting.
No one told me that my wanton empty womb would crave you
No one told me that I would miss you
This deeply, this consumingly.
Nothing has changed yet I am completely different.
Everything I cared about is insignificant
The endless talk, the noise of work
And friends and family
Nothing matters, their lives go on.
My life goes on
But yours has stopped
Did it ever start?
They told me not to but your birthday is etched across my mind
At what point of loss is it acceptable to grieve for you?
To some any number under 12 is not a baby, but a fingers crossed noncommittal half promise of a baby
Less than 8 and you are just a fleeting visitor
Under 4 and you may be labelled as just a chemical miscalculation
And if you only ever existed in my mind?
Does that mean I cannot grieve for the you that never was?
I have never been pregnant, yet I have been pregnant 21 times
Pregnant until proven otherwise
No booze, no blue cheese, no horseriding, skydiving, saunas!
You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby.
People tell me not to think of you and you will come
But they won’t tell me how
Would they tell an alcoholic not to think about drink?
I try but it is impossible not to count to 9 and think
A spring, summer, autumn, winter baby
Nothing to do but press on with the next round of hormones
But not just yet, let me take a moment to say goodbye.
Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.
I close my eyes and shut out the world
So it is just me and you
My little unborn non-existent baby
You did not stay. You did not grow
Did you choose to up and go?
Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?
Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?
My little unborn non-existent baby
Nothing has changed yet I am completely different
An unborn mother
I wrote this last year after my second stimulated IUI fail. A year on and I’ve just started an IVF cycle and I can truly say nothing has changed, I am still not a mother, I still live in the same house, am married to the same man, yet I am completely different. Mindfulness and the other mind body techniques I have been studying are allowing me to face this cycle with a strength I did not possess last year. I am not saying that I’m not still vulnerable, angry, upset, but instead of these being my only emotions I can allow myself to step back and take each day, each injection as it comes.
Sending love to everyone out there who is also, as yet, an unborn mother xxxxxxxx
A Year On.....
A letter to the baby I will never have..
A poem of my inner thoughts 💜
Mother’s Day poem
Donor egg baby
