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Fertility Network UK
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Telling step children your having a baby. Do you have any advice or can you share experiences?

We have 3 weeks until we plan to tell my steppies that me and their Dad are expecting a extra baby brother or sister. I love my steppies the oldest is nearly 13 a boy and second eldest boy is 9 and youngest girl is 8. My husbands ex isnt the easiest person unfortunetly so we need to be careful as she doesnt let the kids refer to me as a step mum. Im afraid she will try to stop them loving the baby or refusing to let them see the baby as either brother or sister. She has no reason to feel bitter to me as i dated my now Husband 2 years after they broke up. She wanted a council house so they both agreed the relationship had ended. She limits how much we can see the kids. Its not easy to watch or see how she treats my husband but we have to respect the kids love their mother. I wanted to hear how people told their steppies and any advise on what helped eg gifts from baby. Ensuring non baby talk days, helping them buy a gift for baby. Their mum wouldnt let them go to the scan thats for sure we would ask but its unlikely. 😢

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My son has step brothers and sisters I don’t understand how some woman act like this !! As for the scan I wouldn’t even tell her and take the kids why would it be such a big issue 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ the baby is coming wether she likes it or not and the kids seem old enough to understand , if she kicks off okay daft lol they will love the baby regardless and hopefully the older they get they will realise their mother is a very bitter twisted person if that’s the way she’s been acting !! It’s only her kids she will be affecting . But well done to u for respecting their mother x

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Thank you LCB83 she doesnt sadly let us have kids during the week. Their mum wouldnt let us have the kids for dinner when she lived less than 5 mins away. Im going to ask my husband to video the scans on his phone they can be involved more if they want too. We are having the kids for a week in Easter which is unheard of so we are taking the kids to Haven hoilday and didnt tell mum as she gets a bit bitter. Its very exciting. I hope they take the baby news well im nervous. I wish she was a normal person she sent my husband a text at 7am yesterday stating "i dont want to argue" and then blamed my husband for why middle steppie misses his dad on a weekend she has the kids. (Weekend we used to have kids on just a Sunday) She feels upset saying we have told the kids we pay for maintance in fact we didnt but I believe the kids heard about the extra money given towards school trips. Its hard not to get worked up over it. She has jealousy issues. The best one was when we got blames for the youngest steppies urine infection after she was playing in the garden with her friends having a great time. Thanks for your kind words im sure im not alone but sadly i dont get a chance to talk about issues regarding the mother. Husband will probably be busy this weekend buying a mothers day gift with the kids something i cant help but feel irritated by but perhaps thats my issues as she is such a thankless person. 😦

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Kill her with kindness that wot I say the kids will appreciate u when they are older and how respectful u were of their mother and realise how unreasonable she was ! Good luck letting them know and I’m sure they will be so excited my cousin got big Millie’s cookies made up to tell her girls x

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Cookies are a good idea to make it fun 😀 they always eat all my gingermen for my morning sickness haha

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I am in the same boat as u my step kids are 12,14,15 the 14 girl life’s with us she’s lovely but sadly the other two are like there mum she has them brain washed and she’s twisted, me and my husband first appointment at a fertility clinic we met her and her husband and oldest daughter on the way out that was 2 years ago she the girl shouted over the waiting room dad what are u doing in her. As much as I don’t like her her ivf failed and she’s not trying again as her health is really bad and she’s in and out of hospital. The daughter who lives with us knows everything but the 2 that live with her I am not planning on telling until after 12-14 weeks to make sure everything is ok. I know she’s going to kick off big time and she will be jealous and she won’t have a child with her new husband. Xx

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Which was sad that she had too go through a failed attempt would not wish that on anyone, xx

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Awww Littledee88 that actually sounds worse than my steppies mother. Its a shame for both of you that your other steppies have their relationships effected by the mother. I dont understand people like this. My husbands Ex is always asking for more money yet she is richer than us on benefits. We brought our house just before we got married and it took us 3 years to do one small kids room where as she has decorated 2 whole council house top to bottom within that time. Thats normally in the first 6 months or less. We think she is trying to reduce the days we have the kids to try and get more money. Us having a baby will probably make her worry about us reducing her payments. I think some people are just jealous types of people.

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Hi BBlucky, this sounds familiar and I'm sorry you too have to worry about this at your special time!

My DH's ex doesn't even speak to me when at my steppies events and I feel so sorry for my steppie because her behaviour and attitude towards me must make him feel really awkward and uncomfortable despite the fact that I've done nothing wrong which must confuse him.

She's told my steppie not to forget I'm not his mother and I think she's made him feel he has to adapt his naturally loving behaviour towards me in public, as he switches like he's afraid that it will get back to her and he'll be in trouble.

She's had other children while we've struggled to conceive which has been tough.

I also worry that she will poison my steppie against any child we have, or if we have to resort to doner eggs or adoption that she will tell my steppie "that's not your real sibling/they'll love him more than you" etc to cause problems in our home.

I also fear that apparently our exes need to be interviewed if we decide to adopt and that she will spoil this for us in some way and could manipulate my steppie to be against it which I know he wouldn't if he didn't have her influence, as without that he's such a loving, open boy.

I really hope your steppies take things well and your journey forward is a smooth one.

Massive luck to you. Xxx

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She has to respect that they are going to have a half brother or sister and let them be involved whether she likes it or not xx

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