Feeling Stuck

This is the first I've posted on here but thought I'd write a little of my experience this morning....

I'm 43 partner 38 and after getting tests carried out, it confirmed low ovarian reserve (0.57). Advice given was IVF / ICSI, egg donation or adoption. There is tons of information to read on the internet and I try and be selective in what I read (for my own sanity). You see I'm a realist, perhaps sceptical and perhaps now struggling to have any hope of a positive outcome for myself and my partner but with all the statistics in the world telling you how successful IVF is, there is more heartbreak than success stories. Unless you're well off and prepared to go through several cycles of such invasive treatment, it is more unlikely than likely that I would conceive this way. Everyone talks about the emotional rollcoaster that you go through and I find every day that I need to push myself, to keep healthy mentally and physically...the thought of having to accept that I may remain childless is beyond words..I keep going round the options in my head and feel totally stuck and unable to move forward right now

17 Replies

  • Hi K,

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but of course the honest thing is to admit that I can't. Yes, IVF is v invasive and (unfortunately in many areas, where you are not covered by the NHS) expensive. Have you looked into funding in your area? I know that some areas have recently extended funding to women in their early forties.

    We seriously thought about using a donor as an option, after our second IVF cycle had v poor results. Luckily, our third cycle went better, quite unexpectedly. For me, it was important to see if I could conceive using my own eggs first (I am 40 this year) - because I felt that, unless I had tried this, it would be hard to move on emotionally to using a donor. However, everyone is different, and it also depends on lots of things - including your NHS funding situation. If we had not been able to use my own eggs, I think I might well have moved on to donor eggs. I certainly began to research this option, and for us it felt that like a more attractive one than adoption (because at our ages of currently 39 and 44, we were told we would probably not be eligible for a child under 3).

    I hope you find your own way through, whatever you choose to do.

  • Hi there - thanks for taking the time to respond. Unfortunately I'm not eligible for funding and had decided at beginning of year to go private to get things moving forward more quickly. However, that's not quite worked out as planned. But, I can't stay in limbo for ever and I'm sure will find my way, hopefully soon :-)

  • I have nothing more to add other than, regarding adoption, the only people who would be ineligible for a child under three would be someone over the age of about 48/49!!! They generally don't like any more than a 45 year age gap between parent and child, altho there are some exceptions to this and each case is judged on it's merits. As adoption is about finding the right family for a child, not the right child for a family, there is loads of flexibility and some children would very much benefit from a bigger age gap.

    Whatever you decide make sure you fully research your information in person, not just on the net. Visit clinics/adoption agencies and look at the facts. There is some good information on the net, but some misinformation too (especially regarding adoption).

    Good luck x

  • Thanks for your post, Cloudyrain. Apologies if my message was misleading. I was speaking from recent experience of having phoned my local authority and having spoken at length to the adoption social worker on duty, who told me that in light of our ages, we would be unlikely to be considered for a child under 3. However, I'm guessing that different local authories (and adoption agencies) do vary, in terms of their approaches to parental age, and it's good to know this.

  • Hi there - thank you for your comments. I've always kept the door open on adoption as a possible option...my partner less so but he has been so supportive and at the end of the day whatever makes me happy. I don't think it's as simple as that but we'll see where it takes us :-)

  • Hi Kazabel,

    The argument between remaining childless or seeking fertility treatment can seem like a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' situation but I find a little hope goes a long way. I also have a low ovarian reserve yet have stopped short of finding out what that means or any of the delightful acronyms I have been diagnosed with because I just don't want to know. If you think about it too much it can really play havoc with your head. All I want to know is what are my chances, and they're poor.

    But at least I have a little hope. I've tried one cycle of IVF that has resulted in an ectopic pregnancy, three scars on my belly and the pair of us bitching at each other but we've another NHS funded cycle to go so there's still a little hope. Yes, it's stressful and physically demanding and all the other things but if we are rewarded it will seem worth it. If we are not, at least we can hold our heads up and say we tried. Nothing in this life that is worth having comes easy, in my experience.

    I feel you might achieve some momentum by fully exploring your options.

    IVF might not be for you. That might not be a bad thing. I can't help fearing I will be unsuccessful again and to console myself I secretly look forward to grabbing a second-hand child. No needles, no medical preceedures, just straight to a wonderful little soul that needs loved. After a complicated form filled episode with drama, heartache and red tape, no doubt. But no blood. Of course I want my own child, our child, but if that is not an option I have another little hope.

    I wish you luck on your journey, you have a good head on your shoulders and a sensible attitude so you will no doubt find the path you are looking for. Let us know how you get on.



  • Hi L - thanks for sharing your thoughts and honest and frank account of your experience. I absolutely can connect with what your saying but I'm delighted for you and hope it all works out..fingers x'd.

    It's terrible feeling totally isolated on this path, haven't told family or friends for many different reasons, but the main one being they would just never understand..that's not their fault. So I choose to keep it to myself and ofcourse I'm next to impossible to live with at times. There are always little tests put your way just to see how you will cope one day to the next...babies, young mothers everywhere, family members having newborns and just to top it all off, having to keep it together professionally to support someone at work who is going through fertility treatment..There's just no escaping it. But, despite the total despair I feel myself in, I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have what I have in my life. I have to remain positive and hopefully move forward (whatever that means) soon. :-)

  • Without doubt I have found dealing with our infertility and navigating the choices and options the most difficult thing we have ever faced. I do think everyone is different - what is right for one couple might not be right for another. I think the advice given above is spot on - find out as much as you can bear to hear and then decide what option works for your physical a d mental health, as well as your finances. I really wish you well.

  • Thank you. You're absolutely right each person is different. Whatever I choose to do I have to go with it, have no regrets, irrespective of the outcome :-)

  • Hi kazabel. I too have have low reserves. This was only discovered after a failed icsi cycle. It isn't pleasant injecting every night, all the internal scans, mood swings and the side effects of the drugs, but like you say it's got to be worth a try. We feel the same as you, don't want any regrets. We now have to find the money to have one more go at a fresh cycle and keep our fingers crossed it works. I find it's made harder by our age, I'm 38. I feel time is against us. Good luck with whichever decision you make.

  • Thank you. I just think if I pursue the IVF journey, when will enough be enough? will I get obsessed about it all? And, ofcourse, it's only me that can answer that. Good luck to you! :-)

  • Think positive. Always and have faith.

  • Don't worry! They often say that to put you off! I know it sounds daft but they often like to test you and push you boundaries to see how you respond! Besides, once your going through prep it you would start to refine what you can handle (e.g. 0-3, siblings, etc) and people are only ever matched with children who they want to be matched with. They do sometimes have a push on older children as there are more available for adoption and this means they sometimes refuse people for prep who want only younger children.

    Also, just a thought, but some areas are trailing concurrent planning where babies go to a foster parent with a view to the foster parent becoming the adoptive parent if an adoption order is granted. That means only 2/3+ are going into the main adoption "pool"

    Urgh, that sounds so wordy and doesn't make sense! :)x

  • Hiya - you have certainly raised my awareness of adoption. I'm one of these people that will research everything to the max so if it's a route I choose to explore I may be back on here blogging with some questions :-)

  • Hi Kazabal, there is always hope. I would like to suggest you get this book Godsplanforpregnancy by Nerida walker. Nerida Walker is the mother of four miracle children: Kaitlin, Aidan, and twins, Aaron and Jesse. In 1994, Nerida’s husband Shaun was diagnosed as sterile, but through the truth in God’s Word they conceived and had four children, within four and a half years. Based on her own experience, and with a passion to help others struggling through infertility, It was written for couples needing truth and encouragement in the areas of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, birth and postnatal issues, she has written a book a practical guide to help you to mix God’s Word with faith and to act on what you believe, so you can see the power of God released in your life to change your natural circumstances. This book also includes lots of testimonies of couples overcoming barrenness through Gods Word.

  • Hi there,

    I agree, you must always have hope. Thank you for your comments and suggested read. I just may look into this. :-)

  • Hi just thought I would let you know it took me 6 years to concieve. After a poor doctors report, I threw up my hands and decided it was time to have faith and give God the glory. Now I have a son and plan to have more. As well as getting Nerida walkers book, I suggest you go on Godsplanforpregnancy website, there you will be able to read the most amazing and uplifting testimonies.

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