Feeling Philosophical

[KiraJean]

Hello Everyone,

I hope everybody's day is going well wherever you are in your IVF process.

So we just finished our first and one and only allotted NHS IVF cycle and my 2WW ended yesterday with a bfn. I was pretty upset, but not surprised. Our embryos were slow to develop and the consultant was pretty grim about our chances at ET, so I have done most of my crying and grieving two weeks ago. The first IVF cycle sometimes doesn't work apparently and is a bit like a scientific exploration (we know ICSI works well for us in fertilising eggs...so that's good and we did produce 37 eggs and good sperm, so that's also good), so we have decided to try again, privately this time. And we are seriously discussing adoption. Perhaps God or fate or whatever is telling us to adopt?

Either way, both my husband and I are very very sad, but not without hope. We have decided to be open minded about having a family in lots of different ways or however it happens and in the meantime to take joy from the wonderful things in our life that we have right now. We are going to spend the next few months getting our life back and recharging our batteries. I'm going to go to the gym and get back to my normal weight (I gained a few pounds through this whole process), go on holiday and do more creative hobbies. Time for a well-earned break! Perhaps I should even have a little counselling? And then it might be time to try again.

This process has been one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through and I know I won't ever completely get over the pain of it. If I cannot have my own baby, it will be a little scar on my heart. But life is like that, full of pain and joy and little scars we are all bound to wear. I'm not sorry I did IVF, I can say we tried our best and I no longer feel so alone because of this forum. I know that there are women out there who feel the same pain as I do and that gives me courage.

So I just wanted to say, well done to all of you! You are very brave to be going through fertility treatment and although society probably won't recognise you as heroines, each and everyone of you is one and I salute your bravery!

Much love and luck to you all xx

ps. I cannot express how happy I am to give up progesterone pessaries. That stuff messes with my brain and makes me crazeee!

[LiLi19]

I'm so sorry you didn't get you bfp...sending you and your hubby big, big hugs xx

Counselling may help? Might be a good way to 'close off' the whole process so to speak and prepare you for all of your wonderful adventures and the great idea of adoption.

I LOVE the salute more than I can actually say right now...right back at you too!! xx

[KiraJean in reply to LiLi19]

Aw thanks LiLi! I'm thinking I will definitely try counselling.

I hope your experience with all this is going well. xx

[LiLi19 in reply to KiraJean]

Thank you...we're very early stages of the process so every thing crossed! xx

[louisear]

hi KiraJean, I'm so sorry for your outcome. This process is so tough and not one that anyone truly understands unless you've gone through it and far too often it's a cruel outcome. You sound incredibly strong and it's good to hear you're already making future plans to get on with life and do some living. Between you both you'll find comfort and strength in each other. That's beautiful to say so - we are all heroines in our own right so we will keep believing no matter what. Lots of love to you and loads of best wishes for your future plans and wish you lots of good things to come your way xx

[KiraJean in reply to louisear]

Oh thank you Louisear! Those are lovely words. All the best to you too! xx

[Linda78]

Really beautifully said Kira x

[CountryCat]

I am so sorry your news was not better but I thought your post was lovely - thoughtful and touching. Wishing you much strength in the weeks ahead xx

[emmab178]

Hi

So sorry to hear this but what wonderful words. Take care x

[Jaky76]

Xxxxxxx

[Sparklyfuture]

I'm so sorry to hear this 😔 life is so unfair sometimes. I think if you and your husband can get through this together then it's sentiment to how strong your relationship is. Take some quality time with each other to heal and then you will know more what options you want to consider I guess. I haven't been through this stage yet so do feel a hypocrite giving advice, but I'm just trying to think about the things I want to take out of this process of it doesn't work, and having my soul mate by my side is something I always feel lucky for. The other thing I'd love to take out of the end if it doesn't work is a holiday, but I'm skint after this! Damn private. Keep fighting through and I hope you win the battle in whatever path you choose. Hugs x

[KiraJean in reply to Sparklyfuture]

That is not hypocritical at all, that is all great advice! I'm lucky to have such a lovely partner in life and each day I feel grateful. You are right about the holiday! In a few days time I'm heading off to the British seaside!

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

37 eggs! That's good surely? On my first cycle I got 9 but only 3 were mature.

If you decide to do another round, they will tweak your protocol for better results xx

[KiraJean in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

That is what I hope! I'm a pretty good egg producer so I think maybe a second round of IVF is definitely worth a try.

But then it only takes one right? So 3 mature eggs are more than you would normally produce in a month anyway and are 3 good chances.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to KiraJean]

Thank you for the reminder that three is still better than one or none! X

[Hannah143]

Ah what a lovely post, I'm so sorry to hear you've had a BFN and it's good to regroup and build up your strength again. Good luck to you on your journey xxx

[Beanme]

Im sorry to hear about your bfn. What a beautiful post, you are a strong lady and are in a wonderful relationship. I wish you both success in your future endeavours on becoming parents. I feel positive you will get there. I sense the determination from you and that is what is needed xxxx

[KiraJean in reply to Beanme]

Thank you xx I'm definitely determined! And that has kept me positive!

[Hidden]

This post got me all teary.i hope you are doing ok.indeed though society may never know what it feels like to do this we are heroines in our own way.thank you so much for this post.im testing this coming sunday and this was a good read .😊

[KiraJean in reply to Hidden]

Aw thanks Lawmom! I'm doing okay. It is a grief, but life sends us these things, so I just have to be brave.

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world for this Sunday! Lots and lots of good vibes and baby dust! Go forth and test brave lady!