I am 42 and recently gave birth through a c-section to my beautiful baby boy.
I am so happy my baby is here. However, the toll of the ivf and fertility journey, plus c-section and breastfeeding difficulties has really had an impact on my mental health.
I am abroad in a non English speaking country, but looking for a telephone or remote counselling service to help with post natel depression. I understand recommendations should be DM only but would appreciate suggestions to get someone to talk too quickly.
If anyone has gone through anything similar especially when trying to breastfeed I would be grateful if you shared your story.
I share a picture of my tiny "baby model" at 3 days old, taken by the hospital photographer. He has already become my world so I want to be at my best for him.
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Aquaharmony
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I found it very hard after my boy was born for all the same reasons. I spoke to my GP who was useless and I sought out a private counsellor - most will do sessions over zoom or the phone if you can’t get there in person.
Thank you, it is hard at the moment but I am hopeful if I can get some counselling it will help. Not sure which online platform is best but I can see there seem to be alot of options. Did you find the counselling helped you?
In all honesty not really. Time helped a lot. Friends who were also struggling or had struggled helped too. People often don’t open up about how hard life after birth is, but once I started telling people so many people came out with similar stories which made me feel less alone.
PPD is so hard to really get to grips with because you’d expect it to be hard with all the hormones and a completely new life, but you also beat yourself up because it was so hard to get there in the first place, you feel like you should be enjoying every minute.
What helped me was to try to understand that one of the reasons I found it so hard was that I was so very unprepared. I’d spent the whole of TTC / IVF / Pregnancy not being sure we’d ever actually have a baby, that I just kept my head in the sand and didn’t allow myself to believe it would happen. So I did a lot of reading to try and find out what I was actually dealing with!
Thank you for sharing that with me it helps and I think maybe trying to get help from friends and family might help alot and be available more quickly. Certainly just having some responses on here has helped me feel less alone and helped to give me a bit of perspective.
I went through very similar when my son was born. I hadn't properly connected to him because I just hadn't really believed everything would be ok and he would arrive safely. I had lots of problems with breastfeeding (latch because of missed tounge tie, supply problems) and put far too much pressure on myself because of that. I managed to get counselling through the local NHS maternity service, definitely recommend speaking to someone. Maybe the midwife can help refer you? I know it might not be right for everyone to switch to formula, but honestly the relief I felt when I just decided to stop trying to breastfeed (which in reality wasn't working) was immense and helped a lot. Wishing you well and feel free to reach out if you need any support.
My baby was tounge tied but they picked up on it quickly at the hospital and he got it cut when he was 3 days old. This helped but I am now playing catch up and the crazy 8 minimum feeds and pumping routine, plus power pumping is just so hard. He is on combination formula to make up my shortfall, but I do question if it is all worth it. Maybe others here can relate now I have him I want to do everything possible for him and there is a huge stress to breastfeed that I feel and has very much been encouraged by everyone medically I have been seen by.
Yes absolutely you feel you want to do the best for him but ultimately for me the best for my baby was making sure my mental health was stable. I was so stressed out at every feed and worried about pumping and not getting enough rest in between that I wasn't in the best place to care for him. There are obviously benefits to breastfeeding but my son is a thriving 16 month old now so I don't regret at all giving up. Do what is right for you, not trying to sway you either way just sharing my experience as a lot of my low feelings post natal were caused by my feeding stress.
Also to echo millbanks, those early days are HARD and no one prepares you for it. The constant feeding, changing, crying is intense. But it will get better I promise. Now I'm through it I always say to my friend who are expecting that the first 6 weeks are just survival. Just do what you have to do to get through it. Baby will eventually go longer between feeds, you'll get more rest and feel more human again.
Thank you, I am on the fence but don't feel ready to give up just yet. Logically I know whether I breastfeed or not my baby will be OK. I think it is more societal pressure. Despite never having judged friends for their choices when it comes to feeding I feel like a failure for not being able to produce enough milk. Rationally I know with the C-section just the fact I am producing milk is positive. I feel a bit like a hamster on a wheel that can't get off. Constantly wondering whether it is worth the effort.
I felt exactly the same. Before he was born I always said that's I would try to breastfeed but if it didn't work out then I'd be fine but when it came to it I was devastated when breastfeeding wasn't working. I had a c section too and was additionally told that sometimes people that have struggled to conceive can also have trouble with breastfeeding if there is a hormonal issue. We have unexplained infertility so I have no idea if that was an issue for me.
You will find your way and make the choice that is right for you and your family 💞
Re: breastfeeding. If you're at a BFI accredited hospital health professionals are literally not allowed to suggest bottle feeding 🤦🏼♀️ it used to drive me insane. I'm a midwife and although there are benefits to breast feeding, I always think it's just not worth it if it's affecting your mental health - you don't want to end up dreading those precious bonding moments when feeding, and you can still do all the skin to skin and cuddles with formula feeding. I think if it's really important to you, carry on, but don't do it because of pressure from professionals etc. This time is precious and you need to be healthy as well.
Your hospital should have a perinatal mental health team you can be referred to, but if not google "NHS self refer for taking therapies" - because you're postpartum and therefore high risk you get bumped up the queue. I am currently having CBT due to assault, and a 12 month wait turned into a month due to being pregnant. By self referring you're more in control, and don't have to jump through the GP hoops.
Congratulations on your beautiful little one (I'm 39 weeks and worry I've not bonded as still can't believe it's going to happen). If you have any maternity/breast feeding questions feel free to drop me a message xxx
Lovely to hear from you I remember we were going through the two week wait around the same time. I was amazed how well I already knew my baby all the things he did in my stomach he does now and seems to respond really well to my voice and touch. I hope bonding comes naturally for you but if not you will build that bond.
Unfortunately, I wasn't offered any psychological support at the hospital and only found out on the day of discharge it was available. My midwife is great always language difficulties mean communication is more of a challenge for me. I think I have identified an online service to try so I will give this a go.
Ditto all of the above about the first 6-8 weeks being really, really hard. The days and nights all bleed together and the constant waking/feeding/changing routine can just feel endless and not very fulfilling because baby is still very blob-like. But, it really does get better with time!
Re breastfeeding, I found the The Thompson Method breastfeeding course (thethompsonmethod.com/) an absolute LIFESAVER. Like most women, we had some hiccups with breastfeeding in the early days, but the course - and more importantly, the Thompson Method support group on Facebook where you can ask questions about your specific circumstances - kept us on track and we're now still successfully breastfeeding at 13 months. I can't recommend the course enough.
You're doing great, my dear. Newborns are so, so hard and it stretches your capacity no matter how prepared (or unprepared!) you are. Keep it up and when your baby starts to smile at you it all starts to feel worthwhile. xx
I am sorry you are struggling but it is good you are looking for help! Like you, I had a C section (emergency one) after a fertility journey and felt very overwhelmed in the first weeks and months. I haven't used it myself but the Breastfeeding Network was highly recommended: breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk I believe they offer online support too. My little one is one now and I am finally doing therapy to help resolve things around the traumatic birth experience. It is doing me a lot of good, I wish I had done it sooner!
hi, I also had a baby boy via C-section following IVF treatment. I think what surprised me was how hard it was to recover from the C-section, I don't know if it was because of my age (41) or the medications, but my feet were swollen, I was on painkillers, I was crying a lot, I couldn't move very well and every time the baby made a noise I was essentially having to do a sit up to check and he made a noise every few seconds. He was also needing a feed every 2 hrs, plus the 12 nappy changes throughout the day, not to mention the bathing. I was using formula, it meant someone else could feed him whilst I had a rest, but instead of resting I had to constantly wash bottles and sterilise them and make up formula. It was nonstop, it only started to get easier when I recovered more from the C-section and he started to feed 8 times a day. Take care of yourself x.
congratulations for the arrival of your baby boy, sorry you are going through this . I went through something similar I had my daughter end November 2018 at the age of 39.5 years old after 3 miscarriages from natural contraception and 6 (ICIS) IVF she was my 6th transfer and it was a high risk pregnancy as I started bleeding from 6 weeks plus I had to go on bed rest till 20 weeks plus just laying down and doing nothing it was hell for me because of the past 3 miscarriages I had before I was visiting the hospital every week and I got high blood pressure from the pregnancy at 36 weeks I got preeclampsia And was hospitalised for about 10 days my baby was born at 37 weeks and 3days via emergency C S after being in labour for hours and trying to have a via normal way and her getting stuck it was horror and a nightmare everyone was terrified when they finally brought her out she was not breathing her cord was tired around her neck and she was all blue or purple it took the team time to revive her long story cut short i started having difficulty to breastfeed her no milk was coming out I tried everything possible I was still not get enough milk to feed her so I had to switch to formula at 10days old and she was also a crying baby the first 3 months of her life was hell for me no sleep at night after that she started sleeping through the night and she is the most sweetest stubborn strong character girl I know she is crazy as hell and full of energy she and I survived all that craziness. I went through hell and back to have her things was not as I had planned or expected it will be I went into depression I will seat and just cry or be angry I was so so sad after her birth instead of being happy my brain will just be thinking of everything I went through to have her and not being able to have a normal birth and breastfeed her made me sad I was happy that with formula she was okay. Cry when you want talk when you want do what makes you happy and forget about what other people think because we all went through different things to have our baby you can chat me if you want to talk I am here for you sending you lot of love and strength to overcome this 💋💋💋❤️
I had enormous difficulty breast feeding. My daughter was very unwell and in special care so I didn’t get the chance to try (she was tube fed) and no one noticed her tongue tie. I went down the pumping route but that is insanely hard work! 8-10 times a day and I was broken!
To be honest that just made my mental health worse. I was so determined to breast feed that I felt like I had failed when it didn’t work. I settled with pumped breast milk during the day and formula at night which worked better, then after about three months I dropped to 5x pumping sessions a day, and gradually decreased it so by six months I was down to 1-2 sessions, and then I finally stopped. I’d frozen enough milk to give her a bottle a day for another two months which helped me cope with stopping. Hindsight I should’ve stopped sooner. I would have enjoyed my maternity leave so much more with the freedom of not pumping! For what it’s worth my daughter is six months old tomorrow and she is absolutely thriving!
As for PPD, I think I saw having a baby as a cure for infertility and all the feelings that came with that but I was wrong! I’m being treated for PTSD for birth trauma and PPD six months on, and it’s tough! I still can’t look at pregnant women, I don’t like discussing birth stories and I can’t go near the hospital my daughter was born in. I don’t expect these feelings to ever go away fully but I’m learning to cope with some help. The NHS have been amazing in helping me (ironic given my care in hospital was appalling!), but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know you’re in a different country but are your peri natal team able to suggest anything? Or even a private provider based in the uk online?
Newborns are so so so hard. I had multiple breakdowns hating myself for not feeling ‘grateful enough’ after what I’d been through to get pregnant, but sometimes it was just awful. They give such little in the way of interaction that you just feel like a bit of machine! You’ve given up your whole way of life to keep a little human alive. I felt selfish just having a shower! It really does get better though. They change every day and when they reach a milestone you want to tell the world. The first smile is magic but the first giggle is off the scale and makes it all so worth it. I watch my daughter sleeping even when I’m so sleep deprived I don’t know what year it is and I feel so proud of myself.
Go easy on yourself, take it day by day. Find something each day (doesn’t matter how small) to do that’s for YOU. I remember just cutting and filing my nails to look tidy, and I felt human. Put baby in a bouncer facing you and put a box set on tv. They will be happy looking at you, and you can have some grown up entertainment! It does get better I promise xx
congratulations 💜 defo reach out to the doctor there too and any online or local services. Re the breast feeding no one ☝️ n any forum or hospital seemed to want to or be able to say this …. But bottle feeding is amazing!!! It helped my mental health so much ;and my little guy went from 20th percentile to 90th within a week! Sure there were some feelings of guilt for a couple of days but the benefits of it totally outweighed all of that sooooo quickly! I do t even know if I will even bother trying to breast feed with my little one I’m expecting I defo know that either is absolutely fine though and bottle feeding helped my other half and others bond with baby and take some of the pressure off me too when needed, it was easier to go places and get out more and I started to feel like me again 🤗 so I just wanted to add to the people saying it is absolutely okay to bottle feed and concentrate and the other things right now xx
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