we finally got our beautiful little miracle 2 weeks ago.
I couldn’t get excited during pregnancy after everything we had been through I was so scared something was going to go wrong it was like I deliberately didn’t want to get attached.
she was born then 2 days later I was taken away for emergency surgery on my back so I didn’t see her for 3 days. Then I got her back 2 days later we ended up in the children’s hospital she had a wee infection but it just felt like I was losing her.
Now we are home my milks a bit behind so we are top up feeding and I just feel abit disconnected. Like I can’t believe that she’s here and that she’s ours. . Like I’m dreaming and someone is going to come in and waken me up. Anyone else felt like this? Like they don’t want to get too attached coz everything always goes wrong. Like she’s not actually real.
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Boo718
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hi Boo, congratulations on the arrival of your girl. It sounds like you have had a stressful first few weeks and that can totally impact how you’re feeling as the ‘dream’ is just lots of skin to skin and feeding which just helps the bond so much. I’m really sorry to hear all you’ve been through, let yourself feel grief or whatever you feel for this last week as it has been tough. Things will change and get better as you recover as well!
When my son was born, I had a traumatic birth and thought I may lose him. Then when we were in the post natal ward I was scared to even be too close to him incase something happened. My milk took about 5 days to come in and so we were formula feeding inbetween and I let my husband do most of it because I couldn’t handle being able to formula feed my son and not breastfeed like I wanted or have him cry because he’d smell me and want to feed etc. I couldn’t even call him his name for the first week even though he was so wanted and loved by me because I thought something was going to happen to him and I didn’t want to get too ‘attached’ (possibly because of my birth experience, possibly from the infertility I dealt with). However, for me personally this started to change when I started to do more skin to skin with him (initially after a feed so he was happy) and more so after my milk came in - now, that’s not to say you have to breastfeed to create a bond either, just what worked for me and you can absolutely have a strong bond with your baby however she is fed! Slowly over time I think my brain made peace with the fact that he was here and not going anywhere and that significantly changed things for me and I was able to do more skin to skin and not be scared anything was going to happen to him.
Give yourself some grace, it’s been a tough time for you - try and do lots of skin to skin if you’re able to (watch rom coms and get the oxytocin flowing) and and also don’t forget on top of all of this your hormones are totally wacko and in baby blue stage so you’ll be feeling a bit out of sorts anyway! You are an amazing mum for just everything you’ve been through - don’t underestimate it! Xxx
Congratulations on the birth of your miracle. You have been through so much and it is going to take you some time to accept that your baby is finally here and in your arms. I think we go through so much with IVF that our brain tries to protect us a bit. When my son was born I was convinced there was going to be some issue. I thought they had mixed up the embryo pre-implantation and they would tell me he wasn't mine. I was checking his blood test results and googling mine and my husbands to make sure he could be ours. crazy!
After a few days I began to accept that he was actually here and mine. It was a wild time and I feel silly looking back but I think it is normal to feel that way.
Sending lots of love as you settle into your new life as a mum xx
Congratulations to you. Sounds like you've had a tough time recently and I hope you and baby are doing well. I really struggled with my LB. I'd wanted him so much and then when he arrived it was as if I was scared to love him. I think after all we have to go through to get pregnant I spent so long worrying and thinking about the pregnancy I didn't actually think about what would happen when I actually had a baby.
I went on a zoom call with other ivf mum's to discuss their experiences for a uni student and we all said similar to you. It was really reassuring to hear as I was terrified if I voiced my feelings to anyone they'd take him away. Look after yourself as that's the most important thing you can do for baby now too xxx
First of all a massive congratulations on your miracle and I am so sorry you are feeling disconnected. Parts of your post resonated with me.
I struggled with fear during my pregnancy and after she arrived. I also thought I might lose her. It stopped me from fully enjoying being a mother as I was constantly on edge. It peaked at around when she was 8 weeks old and I suffered with mastitis and had night terrors.
My advice is take one day at a time and look after yourself and your little bundle of joy. The one thing I have learned in motherhood is the more you give them, the more you get back. My fear has eased with time and I hope your feelings will too.
Hi Boo, yes my lo is 3 months old and I still have days where it doesn't feel real that she's here and I find myself waking checking she is breathing when she's asleep. Don't be hard on yourself. There is an amazing organisation called mothers for mothers for people who are struggling to connect ask your health visitor to refer you they have meetings where mums who are feeling the sane can just meet up and chat. Also with breastfeeding if you want any advice feel free to pm me. We had a bad start to our breastfeeding due to tongue tie and wrong advice given by midwife x
Im really glad you posted this. I had a fair bit of a trek to get and stay pregnant with my little boy and then ended up with a c section which I hadn’t really wanted and then couldn’t breast feed and have felt similar to how your describe. I couldn’t relax during pregnancy either and when he was born I didn’t sleep for over a week at night because I was scared he would die in his sleep. It just felt like this was happening to someone else.
He’s 5 weeks old now and things are getting better (except for reflux). He is pretty wonderful (slightly less when he screams for hours but we are working on that).
I think this is all very normal for people who have had a very difficult time.
you aren’t alone.. I was the same.. and the same with the milk, wasn’t a great supply and also having to bottle feed every 1 to 2 hrs as she was underweight.. it’s exhausting..
I think it’s normal.. now I’m out the other side.. at the time you are going through the motions, feeling completely knackered (and you also had another operation !) and trying to do everything right.. and every now and again it hits you that you have this amazing little thing completely dependent on you.. I started looking for the little things.. the little sighs after a feed.. the little smiles everyone tells you are wind but you know they aren’t.. 💕
Take your time.. things will come together.. we tried for nearly 15years.. bled almost all the way through my pregnancy.. and now my little one is 11months my husband still tells me he can’t believe we have her..
take care.. you are wonderful.. and your little one knows that already xx
Unfortunately this is so common. I was exactly the same - I literally didn't allow myself to believe we would ever have a baby, until the moment he was born - then it was insanely overwhelming. I was so grossly unprepared for what it would be like actually HAVING a baby at home. I think the trauma of IVF and loss makes you protect yourself - which on the one hand is good, but it also doesn't allow you to mentally prepare. Its a double edged sword.
I felt like I was babysitting to start with - it was like my brain couldn't allow me to believe he was actually ours. I felt that someone would come in at any moment and say "thanks for looking after him, now say goodbye".... it was the strangest feeling and I have to say it lasted for ages, although it did lessen with time.
I had moments where I felt so disconnected from him - the exhaustion, the newness of my new life, the change, the lack of freedom - I felt a bit resentful and at one point I Googled "is it normal to hate my baby"..... the answer is yes BTW. But all that passed (a lot of it is hormones too) and as I started to get more sleep and get more back from him (first smile was a game changer) everything changed too.
He's 15 months now and some days I still can't believe he is here. I also can't believe I Googled "is it normal to hate my baby" because he is perfect and amazing and sweet and funny. He is my favourite human by a long stretch!
Give yourself some time to settle in to being a mum and try not to read too much in to these feelings right now. The hormone crash is responsible for a LOT of this.
I didn't dare get excited about being pregnant. I didn't dare say it out loud, I showed my scan pic and left it at that. I couldn't really process or believe that I was having a baby, never mind 2! I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms and everyone used to freak me out....you must br so ill with morning sickness....nope, nothing. Even when I saw them on scan, it felt like I was watch weird TV. I didn't buy anything until 5wks before we had our section booked. I got hit by bus when they were born....I lost lots of blood and they were struggling to control it. Meantime my Mum was being diagnosed with terminal cancer. To cut a long story short. I struggled to bond. All I wanted to do was look after my Mum, like she looked after me. My hormones were all over the place and my head was wrecked. This new place we find ourselves is unlike anything we could have imagined....we didn't dare think we could make it. I was massively unprepared but you make it through and you will bond. I know you'll see tonnes of people making birth stories all sweetness and light but it's not like that for many people....you'll get there though! Huge hugs.xxx
I forgot about the lack of pregnancy symptoms! If I hadn't had scans I wouldn't have believed I was actually pregnant - in fact every time I went in I expected them to tell me there was nothing there..... xxx
After everything we went through to get our little boy I just couldn’t believe that it was real and he was ours for months. I just kept thinking someone was going to knock on the door and ask for him back. Almost 7 months in and it’s not like that really at all now. It takes time so be kind to yourself and try to be patient, it will come xoxo
I think this is all very normal Boo. My baby girl arrived 27th June and although not as dramatic as you've had, we also had a tough start. We had to stay in hospital for 4 extra nights as the staff were a bit worried she might have an infection. She didn't, it seems, but lots of monitoring and tests made for lots of worry, and me feeling quite institutionalised! Then I had to go back in for a night fora conplication and she joined me. With all that upheaval, and the usual emotional ups and downs of having a newborn and all the changes to adapt to, I've been feeling all sorts of emotions, including quite strong blues as well as lots of love for this new tiny baby. It isn't easy and that's OK to say. And as others have said, when you have such a hard road to getting here you have all that extra burden. Make sure to share your feelings with people, talk about your fears. Sending love xx
hi, congratulations on the birth of your baby and sorry you have had such a tough time.
I feel like this is a normal feeling for anyone that has been through this IVF journey and so much disappointment and hurt prior to getting their little ones.
I was terrified all the way through my pregnancy and had this constant feeling that it was too good to be true and something was going to take her away from me. I found it hard when she was born too not to have those fears. But honestly it does get easier and you will worry that bit less each day x
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