Toilet Refusal

[Sad2019]

I am at my wits end. I read posts and see the ages and feel like where did it go wrong. I have a 16 year old who refuses to use a toilet. They use pull ups that are bought by grandmother as I refuse to. They won't even pick up a soiled one to place in the bin and threaten to hit me when I refuse to. I have no support from my other half and need new ideas.

[Misty10]

Hi go back to your gp.sorry I don't have much advice but I feel your pain.

[Sad2019 in reply to Misty10]

Soooo frustrating to say the least!!

[Myjakeys]

Hiya love , my son is 14 and has never pooed on a toilet he wears pullups at home and undies at school . He has cerebral palsy and autism . He is under the continance team and had a ace fitted last Sept. My advice would be take him to the doctors love as there may be a underlying problem . Does your child have a diagnosis of any kind ?

[Sad2019 in reply to Myjakeys]

No diagnosis apart from I would say a phobia regarding it. That's what makes it so difficult as it seems it's a choice

[Sad2019 in reply to Sad2019]

Not a physical reason I mean

[Laundrymaid]

Hello Sad2019,

I too have an older child who has bowel issues. She is thirteen and although there aren't many posts on this site from parents of older children, we are here. Try searching older post.

The first thing I would say to you that if your son is threatening you with violence, that is not on, under any circumstances.

However... Older children who experience Bowel and Continence issues are in a unique position. They are more than aware what is normal and what is socially acceptable but when they feel they have no control over their body/ situation they often go into full denial mode. They can be angry, argumentative and sometimes downright disobedient and at times they seem to do the very things that they know they shouldn't to help themselves. It must be aweful for these kids.

We don't know much about your sons situation but the first step is going to be getting him to see your doctor. Make a list of a few points that concern you and hand them to the doctor then start the discussion. Explain your concern for your son and do talk about your sons mood. It is really important the the doctor understands what a huge impact this situation is having on your son.

Sending you and your son strength.

The Laundrymaid xx

[Sad2019 in reply to Laundrymaid]

Thanks - I think it's all those hormones and boundaries as anyone else thinks they wouldn't say boo to a goose

[Robinia]

My son is violent and it all relates to his bowel 🙄 and he targets his family specifically. He’s under a hospital psychologist and it’s helped loads although took time to get going. Mine is 10- i would be really worried if it’s still going on in 5 years. I agree re : health support. It’s crucial. School nurse can be helpful. Sounds like a psychological issue deffo and possibly a physical issue like constipation. It deffo needs addressing. But in the meantime I would try to be as relaxed about it as possible and think of it as a condition he/she is going to need external support with XX

[Charlz17]

I am sure you've been here before but has your child had any psychological support? It could be that there is an underlying medical condition but that it is so embarrassing and painful to them that they choose to ignore it and don't want to remotely talk about it - rather than it being a choice. I have to say that I've seen with my own child the manifestation of psychological issues from the physical and I am having to pay myself to get help for her. In short, the soiling (which is medical as she has no sensation) causes her to feel isolated and upset...she internalises it and plays the joker or deflects any positive attention away from her because I think she is having self esteem issues. she cries sometimes just before bed - why am I like this, why cant I be normal etc - but then in the day time does not want to deal with it at all so ignores it and doesn therefore change her pants or go to the loo because she said to me 'whats the point - it doesn't make me any better does it?' it's a horrible cycle because I can't get the physical fixed so it also has a mental impact. I wonder if you child might feel this way too - and is so angry, embarrassed and frustrated that he feels lonely, shamed and isolated and doesn't want to talk about it or face it. just an idea? I cant imagine it is pure laziness. God its so awful - why isn't there proper intervention support for this?

[Willsmummy in reply to Charlz17]

i would echo all of this. I think it is physical but also very emotional too and the two are very intertwined. My son is 7 but i can't see it being fixed for at least a couple of years (if not more). the greatest improvement came i after I took him to see a therapist about it. He stopped arguing about sitting on the toilet and became more invested in the treatment. It is seriously hard but this forum makes me feel less alone - i literally feel some days like i'm the worst parent and so frustrated that he just can't poo like a normal child!

[Charlz17 in reply to Willsmummy]

what kind of therapist did he see? my friends have all given me various phone numbers and I don't know if we need some kind of specialist...

[Hidden]

psychologist....sympathetic one. Many issues from physical to psychological. Did something traumatic happen at usual toilet training age? 2-3 years? Any feeding traumas ie. feeding tube in infancy etc?

[Sad2019]

Nothing that stands out as a moment. Its as if toilets don't exist and is almost ignoring the fact of looking after oneself. It does make me giggle though that they are happy to have me change them then will cover up if I see them without clothes?!