I have a 9 year old daughter who has a toilet phobia. Constantly worries about going to the toilet incase it hurts or has diarrhea.
Constantly says she has a nervous belly and need reassurance all the time.
Doesn’t want to go to school because she fears she might need to use the toilet and worry’s about having a bellyache.
Wakes in the night worrying. Also just been diagnosed with diary intolerant and also intolerant to onions and orange.
Hoping there is more Mums out there that might understand what I’m going through at the moment and can offer any advice or tell me things will get better.
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Carley161
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Hi Carley, I can completely resignate with you, our daughter is 10 and really struggles, has done for years, she used to hold I think the longest was 12 days despite being given lactose and having doctors look at her. She now realises the importance if going and although she's not afraid of the toilet environment she always has so much distress about going, worrying about how large or small, soft or hard etc, I still have to wipe her after a poo as she just cannot bring herself to do it through fear of what may be there. I cannot stress enough the level of stress she goes through, even if she has wind or a pain in her belly she constantly thinks she's needs a poo and we have so many trips to the toilet, shell force when she doesn't need to, we have to constantly reassure her without over talking it too much, her stress has led to dissociative episodes to the point she completely zones out. She will not use the toilets at school even having a wee she has to be completely bursting otherwise she'll just hold that also which has led to water infections, she has sensory issues in lots of areas and its been mentioned she has ASD traits, I think the toilet issues is extremely sensory for her especially around her routine in when and how many times she thinks she should be going in a day. It's honestly the most hardest and saddest thing to witness especially when she hurts herself at times due to the anxiety around it. We introduced sand timers and countdowns which has helped a little, not always but its a strategy we've been working with for a while, otherwise we'll be sat there for hours overall. We have professionals involved and she's just had a sensory integration assessment but sadly I can't seem to find or get any more information on how to make things easier for her in changing her thought process around it. Pooing has obviously always been a struggle for her. Probably not much help for you but you're not alone. Xxx
so sorry to hear you are going through this. No one really understands unless they are going through the same thing. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. I just hope with time it will get easier xxxxxxxxxx
Do contact our Helpline if you would like to talk the problem through. It's also worth checking whether she is constipated: Holding onto her wee or poo because she's avoiding using the toilets is very likely to end up in constipation. eric.org.uk/childrens-bowel...
Do try to ensure that she is drinking 6-8 cups of water or squash a day, to keep her bladder and bowels healthy.
I just wanted to send some solidarity as my 9 year old son is going through something similar and I truly empathise. It really can feel so hard and it’s good to know we’re not alone in this!
My son also has so much anxiety over toileting and refuses school at times due to this. Historically, he’s struggled with his gut since being tiny, with both extreme constipation and extreme diarrhoea and has had many instances of soiling himself in an explosive way in front of his peers whilst in KS1. In desperation (as we were under paediatricians and a surgical team for years and weren’t getting anywhere) we moved to a private clinic and after some biomedical tests he was diagnosed with malabsorbtion, candida in his gut, and various food intolerances. He had a very restricted diet for a while -and still is gluten, dairy, soy, egg, peanut and almond free - as these things give him either horrendous diarrhoea or constipation.
Although in a much better place, he still lives with this daily uncertainty of whether he will have diarrhea in front of his friends/get to the toilet in time/be in pain and this anxiety can sometimes be paralysing for him and he can feel like he can’t get off the toilet at home in case something happens.
Does your daughter have a plan in place at school to support her? My son has permission just to get up and leave the classroom/playground with no notice if he needs to visit the bathroom, even just for a reassurance sit and his teacher has talked to him on a 1:1 about his anxieties and watched some of the videos on the eric site with him - and he has ‘plans of action’ for when things start to feel uncomfortable. Maybe having an action plan in place with your daughter in conjunction with her teacher, for ‘worst case scenarios’ at school (diarrhoea/stomach pain etc) might help her too?
I have an 11 year old boy who struggled with using toilets at school. At 9 years old he went to a school where the toilets were downstairs from the classroom and had the doors that other children could (and did) look over or under. There was a disable toilet right next to his classroom so I asked if he could use that. Sadly, the school was not very cooperative on that. Thankfully we changed schools and the new school was so much more understanding. They had a single toilet that they allow him to use so that he doesn’t fear about going to the toilet now. It’s only a small step but I wonder if you’ve been able to speak to the school about your little girl using the disable toilet instead of having to go to the more communal ones, it may make her feel safer. Just as an aside, I also purchased a blue key for using disable toilets when we are out and about, this also helped him be calmer about using a toilet (not to mention giving us more room for me to assist him with cleaning and changing which took away any embarrassment or fear of others knowing what we were doing.
I would also recommend a book by Adam Kay called Kay’s Anatomy. It’s written for children and takes them through the whole human body, including the digestive system and the bowel etc. My child and I read it together and it’s really helped him understand but also to talk about it in a much more relaxed way. It kind of put the subject into a more objective place as it was science, made it less personal. It’s also written in a very humorous way.
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