just let me know if this isn’t the right place to post this

[Sarge27]

hi um…I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but I’m trying it out…so I’ve been meeting up with someone for a little while now and every time they seem to have a good time and finish but it’s not quite the same on my end. No matter what’s happening or how fun it is I just can’t seem to…get there. Not sure if this counts as dysfunction or mental or I don’t know…if anyone knows of a more appropriate place to post this, advice would be appreciated.

[Mads1975]

well I had this when I was in my late 20s and my GP prescribed Viagra. This did the trick for me and seemed to get me over a psychological hurdle.

[man0]

FWIW (though this apparently isn't your issue) - happens all the time now for me. Part of the "life I now must face" 19 months after RP. I can sometimes get erections that can be helpful to my wife, but there's been enough "loss of sensation" and/or it doesn't last long enough for me to hit the bell. I've had to get my highs by "vicarious orgasms" through her - fortunately we have a great almost 40-year marriage and this does provide at least some satisfaction.

I just keep my fingers crossed that my nerve healing continues and my sensation returns to the point where I can get there again. But honestly, I'm starting to think that it has been so long, my mind won't even recognize any more what it's supposed to feel like, and what it's role is.

[Hidden in reply to man0]

Nerve healing will continue.

[man0 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, I know that's what everyone says about the erectile nerves. But what about those orgasm-trigger nerves in the head of the penis, the ones that get highly stimulated by being inside your wife, and are primary creators for the orgasm? The medical community won't even acknowledge that they may have been damaged, AFAICT. They seem to claim those nerves follow different nerve paths and should have been unaffected. And even most other post-RP men don't appear to report the enormous loss of sensation in those nerves that I've experienced.

No-one seems to be able to help me, or give me hope, about getting that nerve sensitivity back. And without it, I don't see how I'll ever be able to orgasm again with (inside) my wife. When you can't even be sure that you've penetrated because you can't feel it, you're in trouble - you feel like a spectator and not a participant 😢

[Bo48 in reply to man0]

You can have an orgasm without an erection. Did you have prostate removal? You will not ejaculate, but you can have a pleasurable orgasm WITHOUT an erection. I have them and I had a radical prostatectomy. You may not get erect enough for penetration, but take it slow. Try masturbation with slow strokes and touch your self in other places that turn you on. Keep stroking slow and you will orgasm. It's quite pleasurable and lasts longer than when you ejaculate. Try it and try to stay positive. Thinking about not being hard, well, it makes you not hard. Have you tried any medications? Ask your urologist. There is pills and injectables like Trimix.

[man0 in reply to Bo48]

Thanks Bo48, I appreciate the advice. But frankly, I've experienced and tried much of it.

Yes, I had 'nerve-sparing' prostate removal; my nerves (after 19 months) have apparently gone through significant healing, to the point where now maybe 1 or 2 days a week, I'll wake up with a nocturnal erection that is equivalent or nearly equivalent to what I had before surgery. I've also been able to orgasm, but it takes so much more stimulation. After experimenting with several male vibrators, I found a very powerful one that can usually get me there, but even with that it can sometimes take over 20 minutes. Masturbation, at least the kind that most people think of (i.e., various forms of 'hand-stroking'), doesn't do much for me - I know this may sound unbelievable, but I never really practiced it before so honestly I'm no good at it. Before, my orgasm-trigger nerves were so supremely efficient that I could use my mind's imagination to get myself right up to the edge of climax, and then finish with one of several short, simple tricks that did NOT involve hand-stroking; e.g. one of my favorites was simply doing a dozen pushups over a sheet of wax paper on top of an exercise mat: short, simple, easy-to-cleanup, but that minimal level of actual contact of the orgasm-trigger nerves was enough for me.

As you say, I know it can be quite pleasurable. But I don't want to have to do this alone: I want to return to orgasm with my wife, ultimately inside her if I can - what I call the gold standard. I'll settle for initially just being able to do it with her not inside her. So we've tried various things with the simplest one being that she holds the vibrator. Yes, that might get me to climax. However, it takes so d#mned long that my mind starts to interfere: it feels like it "guilts" me because I'm "making her" do all this extra work for me that she never had to do before, because those nerves were so super-sensitive it could easily happen quickly - *too* quickly if I didn't concentrate on trying to slow it down for her benefit. And once my mind starts going down that path of feeling like it's making her perform a chore for me, it stifles the climax potential even more, it seems. Self-defeating.

That's why what I *really* want to find a way to do is to make those orgasm-trigger nerves more responsive again; I'm confident that will solve my problem.

[Bo48 in reply to man0]

I understand. You don't mention your age, I'm 72, not married. I'm asking because older women like oral sex as they age. I have a new girlfriend. We haven't gotten to a stage where we've been in bed, but I dread it. My urologist says "Don't tell em" Like they won't notice. I also had a bad surgery for a hernia, and it cut off the blood supply to my testicles, and one has completely shriveled up. So, I'm limp and have one ball! like she won't notice. I dread thinking about sex. I wish I could penetrate her too when we get to that. I use Trimix. I also want to tell you, don't beat up on yourself because of performance issues. I bet your wife loves you and understands. I know it's hard, but all that "head stuff" makes it worse. Relax, enjoy each other and see what happens. I know how it is to lack the sensations and feeling in you r penis is different, but thinking too much about will keep you from enjoying sex. Also, don't worry about how long it takes, if it feels good it was worth it, right? Communication is also the key. Find out what your wife wants. You don't have to penetrate for her to enjoy your intimacy. I know it's hard, but I'm sure your wife understands. Get excited with each other and get off and enjoy it! Glad to communicate with you.

[man0 in reply to Bo48]

"older women like oral sex as they age": are you talking about 'giving it', or 'receiving it'?

My wife isn't lacking, or at least that's what she claims: I have large hands with long, fairly agile fingers (e.g. I can palm a basketball at age 68) and I've put them to good use - so 'receiving it' isn't necessary, she already has a more than functional equivalent, complete with sometimes multiple orgasms.

'Giving it' however would be an entirely different story: because of other life experiences she has had, that would be a very difficult and unpleasant experience for her, I can tell from discussing it with her. She might agree to try if I really pleaded with her, but to me that would border on a cruel (& selfish) "favor" to ask - so I don't.

Don't misunderstand: we *do* have an enjoyable intimacy experience. But gosh, I really miss having my own orgasm with her.

[Bo48 in reply to man0]

Some women as they age, prefer oral sex. Receiving. Manly because of dryness as they age instead of using lots of lubricant. Not every woman does. Again, it's communication. Older women also like just cuddling too. They just want to feel loved and cared for as much as sex sometimes.

[Hidden]

This is the right place to post this.

[Bo48]

Sorry, I misunderstood. Are you taking any medications? I once before I had prostate cancer, took a medication that I failed to ejaculate. The medication had "failure to ejaculate" as a possible side affect. Changing the medication solved the problem. I would check with my urologist and see if there is a medical reason and go from there. Again, these problems cause you anxiety and that is not good for problems with sexual function. Don't fret over it. I know it's hard. Talk to your urologist. I hope this was helpful?