So you never know where the endo journey is going to take you.
I wondered if you might have any experience in this area...
My current and relatively new partner is a lot younger than me. I'm 31 and he is 24. Though in a lot of ways he is wise beyond his years, the fact remains that he is not ready for children, and feels that he will likely never want to have his own kids. We nearly ended things because my desire to have children is quite strong, and with my endo and age the clock is ticking, and we don't want to waste each other's time. But we couldn't go through with it, we have such a lovely relationship and couldn't face letting each other go.
He suggested I could get pregnant and be a mother, as long as he wasn't the dad. He'd stay with me and support me, but wouldn't have the forever commitment of being the child's father, unless we ended up staying together for a long time, then he would obviously develop a fatherly bond with the child anyway. He's an extremely kind and giving person, but he just feels that his life is taking him in a direction that doesn't involve having his own children. He's a musician (as am I), and has ambitious plans to do extraordinary things that would involve him being away for long periods of time. He doesn't want to be an absent or half-decent parent - he would want to do it full time. There's also history there - his dad wasn't a good dad at all when he was young, and was away a lot. He did have counselling and feels fairly healthy about his "daddy issues", but I do wonder if in time he might change his mind. 24 is so young to consider children, especially if you've always thought you'd never have them.
What a curve ball! I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, there's so much to consider.
I'd be interested to know your thoughts!
Thanks for reading xx
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Meriel_Owen
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Hi I don’t have any experience with this situation but I think it’s amazing that your partner is suggesting this route! Just shows how secure you both are in this relationship. I think the only thing I would be worried about is if later on he regrets his decision when the baby is born and it’s all real and he knows it’s not his would it change his views on me? Would he regret not having kids if his own from the start? It’s things like this, but at the same time you need to do what’s best for you as you can’t wait around for him to be ready to be a dad. I think a lot of communication needs to be done around this topic and like you said so much to consider. Once it’s done that’s it, I think the only thing that makes it easy about a sperm donor is the guy is not in the picture but obviously you then have to think about once the child is 18 I think they are allowed to find the dad (if he wants contact) sorry I haven’t been much help! Good luck with whatever you do xxx
My dad was 48 when my mum gave birth and he never wanted kids... It does mess up a child's life when they know they're not wanted. However your boyfriend is still pretty young - loads of men change their minds as they get older and do make good dads. It's quite extreme to suggest you use a sperm donor though! I guess it's about laying it on the line and being quite direct about what you want. If you feel that this is will be best idea for you then communication is key. Good luck 🍀
That's a lot for you to discuss & think about. Ultimately it's your decision but please consider this: -
A child who grows up knowing that their parent doesn't really want them will have issues that radiate into their own identity & future relationships. All a child will see is they came from a random man who didn't want them into the presence of another man who doesn't want them. No matter how much you love that child, they will still pine for a father. My dad didn't want to know me & I have no memory of him, but I always was aware that I wanted a father from my earliest memories. My step dad & I struggled with one another & I had no doubt that he wasn't my dad, no matter how many positive experiences we had together. Better now I live with my hubby, but still feels like an invented relationship.
Consider the possibility that even though your partner has suggested a donor, they may actually resent a child being around that doesn't share their DNA, takes away your time, attention, money, resources & space, potentially changes your body shape permanently - in spite of what he may say now.
I think you really have to work out your priorities, your BFs priorities and the best interests of the child, and be brutally honest about the whole thing. Relying on pressure is never a good persuasion.
As a side, my hubby & I used to be an acoustic duo, performing in local pubs. We were 24 & 25 when we married (I'm older) & although we both knew we did want kids at some point, we didn't want them right away. We had plans to travel & go to the USA with our music but we realised that this is such a huge mission & only the lucky few succeed - no matter how skilled or talented you might be.
I was advised by a gynaecologist, quite early in our marriage, to start a family sooner rather than later or I'd lose my chance. This was before endometriosis was even on my radar & they thought I had a cyst.
Hubby & I make all of our decisions together - parental unity is the backbone of a child's emotional wellbeing & all relationships feed into one another, for better or worse.
Our first child came along when I was 27.
We have 3 kiddies now & that's enough - it's been incredibly tough for us, straining & so much more pressure than we could have anticipated. Sure, it's rewarding too & we love them immensely, but having kids doesn't strengthen a relationship, it tests it - you have to do the strengthening yourselves.
Thanks for your insights. Yeah, I am wary of the way it could affect the child’s psychology. I don’t think Alex would be so cruel to be unwanting of the child’s presence or avoid being a role model, but he would ultimately not have the ties of a father and that could screw up the child if they did develop a bond. the reason he suggested a sperm donor is because he wants me to have what I want.
Part of me wonders if now isn’t the right time to be making any big decisions, and to just be happy with each other in the present. I’ve onyl recently come out of my previous relationship which was screwed ip by hurtful comments by my ex to do with us having children together - me and Alex are fresh into our relationship but already have an easier time communicating about the BIG STUFF than I ever did with my ex due to the horrible things he said.
What if I left Alex now and didn’t find a partner who I connect so well with? What would I do about wanting children then? I wouldn’t want to settle for someone just because they also wanted children because like you say - you have to do the strengthening as a partnership. Finding someone you connect with so deeply is rare, and I’m not sure it’s worth throwing away for the unknown.
He did say that later down the line, he’d like to adopt, and be a proper dad once he’s done the majority of his music career building. I think he has to go for it, he’s been dedicated to music since he was a child. It’s who he is. I couldn’t stop him from trying. But being a touring musician myself I know it’s possible to tour with a child because I’ve done it with other people’s kids. Hard, but possible.
Just wanted to say I had a baby who is 1y year old through IVF donor sperm. Although, I did it completely on my own. I don't regret my decision like alot of solo mums. You do have to put up with a few ignorant remarks especially through social media. 🙄 You should speak to organisations like the Donor Conception Network they will be able to advise you about using a sperm donor. However, I have heard of women in relationships wanted to go use donor sperm when their partner doesn't want a baby. This idea seems difficult to me because when you have a baby it completely life changing and his life will be changed as well. Usually heterosexual couples go down the sperm donor route because the male has a low sperm count. You will have to sleep with baby in the same bedroom for the first six months of he/she's life, you will be told to do this by a health visitor because it prevents SIDS. There is other life changes to consider too. You probably won't be able socialise so much too. Someone who doesn't want children will have a child enforced on them. Although, they might change and love the baby when born. Also, fertility treatments are no garentee of success. It would easier if your partner agreed to have a child with you. Your partner may change his mind as he is still young.
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