Post break up - not wanting small humans - any one else?

Hi guys,

I'm not usually one to declare my personal life on a website, but I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced what I'm currently going through. Any one that has read my posts before will know that I was in a relationship that was sometimes very supportive and other times not (after 2nd lap, he decided to go on a night out, 2 nights out of hospital and back at home, whilst I was in pain and considering A&E attention). In our 2 and a half year relationship, I was very open and honest about the fact that I do not want children. I don't know how much of that is true and whether I am being defensive about my condition and feeling like I need to make the decision before a Dr tells me I can't, or whether I truly do not want them - to sum up, they give me the heeby jeebies. I'm 26 and have felt like this for nearly 11 years now.

We split up a week ago because his biological clock went off, and I'd done such a good job of not changing my mind for 2 and a half years, that I'm no longer the one for him. I brought up the fact that potentially due to my condition I couldn't have them anyway, and was told in so many words that the outcome would be the same.

I go through waves of feeling totally abnormal to not want children, but I would really like to live my life and they are not, and never really were, a part of that. I see lots of mums now (the irony is not lost on me), and I think it must be relatively easy if everyone can do, but it does scare me and I don't really like children (as an English Teacher, I also see the irony in that too). Is there anyone else here that feels the same? Has had a break up because of the same reason?

I just really want to feel normal right now.

14 Replies

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  • I didn't want children from a very young age, thankfully my partner is the same as he doesn't like/want kids so it was perfect. I got sterilised at the age of 29. Not everyone is designed to want children and sometimes we do get looked down upon for not having mini humans. So just basically it's normal not to want children. xx

  • Thank you, I just needed to have some affirmation from others that I am alright! My friends are very supportive, but sometimes you just need to hear it from a stranger!

  • It's just as normal not to want children as it is to want them. The only thing you can do wrong is to have children that you don't want because you think you should.

    It might be hard to see right now, but if having children is important to him, he's done the right thing for both of you. x.

  • I don't want children either. In fact, neither do a lot of my friends. Totally normal.

  • Dont feel abnormal, i am 43 years old and have never wanted children, i do not know if i can or cannot have them as i have never tried or found out. It does not make u weird or cold or selfish( all things ive been told by people who do not even know me) which i am not , i love my friends children but i do not want my own.

    Your ex is selfish, he knew what he was getting into u never hid it so mayb as he needs to look elsewhere to get what he wants from a relationship so do u.

    I have been with my fella 26 years and never has he questioned my choices or decided he wants children as he would rather have our reltionship. Do never question urself... it a women choice. Ur find someone x

  • I'm 42 and don't have children. I just never was sure and wasn't with the right guy at the time and I don't regret it at all. I have a small cosu family of me, with a furry dog baby and a lovely second hubby who also doesn't want them and got the snip.

  • I'm 26 been with my partner for over 7 years now...at 21 I was told if we wanted children we needed to start trying for a family straight away...we never did as neither of us was ready, I did really want children as I was growing up but the older I'm getting the less I want them to the point that I would rather have everything removed so I can't have them as I'm fed up of the questions from family, friends etc as to why we haven't started trying and why don't we want them! After seeing 5 nieces and nephews and a god son all currently uner 6 growing up, we can both see how hard work it is and would rather it just be us and our fur babies than a mini-me.

    My family and friends don't seem to understand me when I say 'well I have pain most days...how am I supposed to bring up a child if I struggle to keep my own pain under control!' I don't want to be a mum that is being looked after by her children due to pain and if I did ever have children and had a girl that also had endometriosis I would never forgive myself for bringing her into this world and suffering with pain since about age 14 like I have done.

    Stick to how you feel, you are a super strong woman for speaking out and saying how you feel, never let anyone tell you otherwise! We all have our own life choices to make, if your ex partner was meant to be the one he would have stuck by you whatever choice you made!! Xx

  • Ah ditto!! I'd rather have more puppies and animals! I hate being told my drs that I will change my mind and it just made it all that much harder that I was making this choice that no one else seemed to agree with. thank you for replying, I feel so much better knowing that there's so many people out there that feel this way. One day I will find someone that's on the same page too :)

  • Oh i love the " u may change your mind" !! My dr been saying that to me 25 years and now i get to say " see i told u i didnt want children" .

    I am happier with animals lol

  • Ahhh I hate this! My Dr was great and totally respected my decision, but everyone tells me I'll change my mind, Its belittling almost.

  • I'm the same, I'm only 21 and I've always known I never want children. My partner doesn't either but the doctors say the same to me "you never know, you may want them in the future". I don't like children, it's that simple. I could do it but I don't want to. I know peoples minds can change but I think if you know, you just know.

    It'll be hard because a long term relationship has ended but it will be better for you both. You can find someone in the future that truly knows that children isn't what they want and then you won't feel like you're carrying this burden. If YOU do not want kids then do not feel bad for that because your partner did knowing you may not even be able to get pregnant.

    On the bright side, you have so many women here for you if you need them for support or advice.. or just to talk. Never feel bad for not wanting children though, there's nothing wrong with that.

  • Hi,

    I'm now 61, but I have never wanted children, and I have never regretted it. Now, given how the world is, I'm so glad I didn't have any. I was about 16 when I made my mind up. I was lucky to find a loving partner who also didn't want children, and while friends and family didn't understand, we were blissfully happy in our love, our work, and our mad: hiking, climbing, travelling, and art/music/drama festival going life. Sadly my husband died young, and that was the only time that I (fleetingly) wished for a child - but it was very selfish. Not because the urge for a child came from me not wanting to be alone, but because I just wanted something of him to still be here - which, too me, seems the worst reason, for having a child.

    This urge was brief, and although my grief lasted much longer, my life did eventually revert to being full and happy. Also, after a while, I met someone else who had also always felt the same about children, and we are still together in facing whatever old age may bring. We also have lots of friends - single, or in pairs - who also don't have children, so we don't feel alone in this, or scared of the future.

    If you are sure in heart and soul and mind that you don't want children, then don't have any. There's nothing wrong with it, and there's nothing wrong with you. It would be worse to have them for the wrong reasons. I have seen far too many women who have children thoughtlessly, or for rather dubious (in my opinion) reasons (like them wanting 'friends' to do things with, then getting upset when they go off to their own lives!), or just because they think they have to - that it's 'normal'. It's not 'normal' there have been childless women throughout history: in fact, I'm not sure what history would do/have done without them.

  • I'm with you sister and power to you for staying strong and knowing yourself and what you want from life.

    I never wanted children, I'm 29 and my hubby 32, feels the same.

    Once being told I may have endo and needed to have a lap, obviously finding out it may course infertility.. it made me sad, for the first time ever. I questioned everything, I begun think "yes maybe I do want children"

    Those months were emotional and to be honest just f**ked. Going into have internal examinations in the ultrasound ward were woman get to hear their babies heartbeat for the first time wondering if I would ever have that..

    I felt so guilty for all the times I was so quick to say "I don't want children" because I saw a different, desperate side to it all.

    My mum kept telling me I was going way deep with it all. Lol

    I'm three weeks post lap now and I feel much more emotional stable let's say, and I definitely know I don't want children.

    What I take away from all these thoughts, is to be a little more gentle in the statement. I take offence when someone asks me when I will have kids and I have seen that maybe me stating "I don't want kids" could also hurt someone.

    I'd never thought about it from that side.

    What ever we, as woman decide we will always be judged at every point in our lives. My best friend is a single mum and is always having to put on a brave face when asked when the second one is coming.

    Sometimes we need to think before we ask, what to you may seem like a harmless question, when your asked 3 times a day can wear you down. (We also need to mind our own business a lot more haha but we are all guilty of this)

    Sorry for the long post / rant that just alllllll came out!

    Xx

  • Hi,

    I am also a young English teacher who isn't that keen on having my own children. I can understand where you are coming from!

    I hope you don't mind a swift change of topic but how are you finding managing work and your illness? I am signed off the moment post op and I am dreading going back!

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