I have other medical conditions as well as Adenomyosis and possibly endometriosis, a chocolate cyst on my ovaries too.
My GP says there is no evidence to support that these gynae problems cause miscarriage or infertility. Online says different.
I often suffer with extreme fatigue and can be in tears bcause I am so tired and lethargic. I can sleep for 10 hours a night and wake up and feel like I have been out partying all night and have never slept.
We made the decision not to have children because of how I feel a lot of the time, I don’t think I would cope. When we are asked about if we have children or if we want children my husband says we can’t unfortunately, I actually think he is bothered that we don’t, we decided to try about 4 years ago but he changed his mind.
It upsets me when people ask, I really don’t want them to know that one of us has a medical condition and I don’t think it’s any of their business.
How do you cope with this?
It’s like an invasion of your privacy. It makes me really uncomfortable and you then get the look of pity.
I am probably more sensitive than I was before being diagnosed.
Sorry for the rant and getting it off my chest but I know you will understand.
I need some good vibes and to not feel like I am a lesser woman because we have decided not to have children for various reasons.
Thank-you if you got this far.
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AllthatGlitters
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I'm 40 and was always against having children until I was 30, when I felt a bit unsure, like maybe I did but I always felt that I just couldn't imagine myself being pregnant etc. Long before I ever knew I had issues with my reproductive system, I just felt I wouldn't be able to. I've been told that it doesn't look like my fertility would be affected by my endo but like you, I'm so ill that there's no way I could look after a child, certainly not the way I would want to. Most days, I'm barely able to care for myself. My only reservation is that I dont know how I'll feel when (positive thinking!) I feel better. I worry that when that happens, it will be too late or I'll have had a hysterectomy and then ill be desperate for a child but can't.
Deep down though, I feel it's actually just not something I want, regardless of an illness. Although, it's taken this illness for me to actually recognise what it is I want.
It's just still such a taboo subject for a woman to choose to not have children. It's seen as not natural or to be not fulfilling your true purpose. But a man isn't seen in the same way, it's ridiculous.
I totally get you not wanting to use your illness as an excuse for when people ask. It's such a highly personal question, I really don't think it's an OK thing to ask. While I've been going through all the usual nightmare getting diagnosed, people who I'm not even that close with have asked if I want children and if this diagnosis will affect that. I think it's good to talk about difficult subjects but the way they did it is so insensitive. If I was struggling to deal with new of infertility, I would've been distraught by their bluntness.
I think it's hard to find an answer that I've felt comfortable with. I just say, I'm not sure and it's a difficult situation. It's awkward.
I actually listened to a brilliant podcast on this topic the other day. It's well worth a listen. It helped me make sense of some of what I was feeling. It's called The Vulnerable Podcast and it's their most recent one called 'being child free not child less'.
Sorry, I'm not sure if any of what I've wrote will help. I feel I've just half ranted, half blethered! X
I don't know if my comments will be helpful or not, but I'm really surprised ( and sorry) to hear that you are receiving this level of nosiness / insensitivity / and just … plain … narrow-mindedness. Maybe I was just lucky with my friends and acquaintances - both those who had kids, and those who didn't - maybe we were more enlightened in the 60s, 70s, 80s etc.
I have never wanted children and I've always said that quite clearly and unequivocally on the few times that I've had people ask if I have kids, or even (!!!) when they've commiserated!! I don't think there's is anything 'wrong' with me (whatever that means in these rapidly changing times), but in my late teens/early twenties I reached the well-thought out decision, that for me to have children was not a good idea. This was well before I was even aware of my endo, and any possibility that it could affect my fertility.
It isn't that I dislike kids, or am not maternal. Many of my peers had children, and I was often the first to visit, became a regular babysitter for some, and was rushed to and clambered over whenever I (or they) visited/stayed, or I bumped into them. I also adored my only niece (sadly deceased) who would come to stay with me, when my beloved mother-in-law visited.
I just knew I did not have the patience or desire to put children first, and to love and care for them, 24/7, for the rest of their lives … which is what I believe all children deserve and need. My mum did that for me, and I think it helped me to be the okay-ish (I hope!) person I am now, but I could see how it narrowed her life … Meanwhile my dad (imo) should not have been allowed to have children. I realise that this is where my negativity may come from, but it was obvious to me from an early age, that in my father's eyes I was really only there to become and do, 'all the things that he had wanted to be and do' … with no regard for what I wanted, and no consideration for where my talents and desires lay. [Hence, I was forced to do sciences at school, when my teachers felt my talents lay in the arts/humanties! NB I later re-trained to become an Eng Lit academic … with a sideline in clothes design and -making... !]
I've never regretted my decision - even now, facing old age! - and have been lucky to have 2 wonderful partners who shared my feelings and beliefs (my late husband, and my current long-long-term hunk). I'm quite proud not to have had children, and can be quite merciless if someone tries to sympathise at my childlessness. I often reply that I consider myself 'happily child-free' plus add that at least I/we have the right to go on multiple, round-the-world trips etc (not that we do!), having already made my/our contribution to saving the planet, by not having children.
So, sorry for that if it's a bit ott ... but I thought it might help you to be given a different perspective on the issue: compared to all the nosy, insensitive people, who seem to think that they even have a right to comment.
The nest time it happens, I suggest a withering comment along the 'child-free' or 'saving the planet' lines. Hope it helps. Good luck and dltbgyd!
I absolutely love what you have wrote! I relate to a lot of what you have said and it's so reassuring to hear that you've not regretted your decision as you have got older (my only fear about this).
Both of my parents shouldn't have been parents (in many ways, they weren't) and it's partly because of this that I feel my decision to not have children is a healthy one. I need to heal from all the pain they caused me and I think if I had a child, I'd not be able to do this and I'd no doubt end up hurting them too. In some ways, I feel the child I need to nurture is me.
I agree absolutely about nurturing yourself, plus: don't worry about the old age bit. Most of the couples I know (of my age and a bit younger) who have children, don't seem to help their parents at all - in fact, they still expect help … eg University fees for the kids! Yet most of then also don't seem very good relationships with their own kids!
Thanks weekari for your views and you have made me feel much better, I have never thought of it being child free as opposed to child less. Everyone seems to be so nosey about what others are doing, when you get married they ask when you having kids, you have one child and then you get asked when you are having another. I am going through such a hard time at the moment and people just need to give us a break x
If asked if I have children, my strategy is to say no confidently and unapologetically, and then ask them a different question. It often works. Not easy to navigate this stuff It may help to discuss with your husband the fact that you don’t want acquaintances pitying you and no need to go into detail. Hope this helps x
Thanks wanwood for your reply. You are right that we shouldn’t have to go into detail. I have tried to speak to my husband about this but he always tells people too much. Really annoys me as I am the reason why we can’t have children x
How frustrating! He should have your back on this, and he should also have the courage to stand behind the decision you made together as a couple for very good reasons. Maybe he will get it eventually. That's tough x
However, one thing I want to add, having read weekari's reply, is that now there actually are a lot (and I mean 'a lot') of women who don't want children. Most of my life I have been helped and supported by childfree women. Although I do have many friends with children - most of whom are now also grandparents - I do also have lots of female friends who don't have children, most of whom never wanted them. In fact, I only have one pal who really wanted them, but never met Mr Right (although when I and friends offered help and support if she had a child on her own, she refused … largely because she was worried about what people would think!! She now regrets that and we think the answer is to be unconventional, as seemingly it is 'conventions' that often mess us up!
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