lockdown with partner in a time of uncertainty

[Meriel_Owen]

Hey everyone,

I hope you're doing ok. Thanks in advance if anyone has the energy to read this, I know these circumstances are even more challenging than we could have imagined.

I'm living with my partner of 4 years. Before lockdown, we were in intense talks about having a baby. I've had two laps to remove endo and 30 years old, and it feels right for me to come off the coil and just see what happens. We have a modest life in a nice town and while things aren't perfect, I've been told by him repeatedly that we're not ready. There's a minefield of reasons why he's saying that, which we've tried to talk through. I felt myself drifting away from him because of some of the things he's said to me.

then the lockdown...

and my dad got diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma...

my parents got burgled

the cat died

my grandpa is in hospital

...so we've stopped talking about babies. but i think about it every day. literally feel trapped in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. also, can't remember the last time we were intimate together.

I feel hollow from all the trauma. but i'm just trying to get through each day - caring for my parents is my priority (albeit at a heartbreaking distance). trying to be gentle and kind to myself.

Sorry for the depressing post. So glad this forum exists.

Take care of yourselves out there. xx

[rebekah2311]

Hi Meriel. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. Navigating a relationship when suffering with endo is sometimes near impossible in itself, let alone when combined with the added trauma and heartache you are experiencing.

I can relate somewhat to feeling trapped in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I am 23 and I have been with my partner (25) for 4 years. We were initially living in different countries, before he settled here for work last year, albeit in a different city. He is very commitment shy and won't even entertain talk of moving in together. He's not ready, but he "might be next year". It seems everyone we know is in lockdown with their respective partners, but not us. Living together is how you really get to know your partner inside out, make plans for the future...

Did your partner express a desire to have children before lockdown? Did you ever have "the talk" about kids one day and did he seem interested? I think what is worth remembering in this situation is that men are strange creatures: they hurt, panic and are affected by things way more than they let on. Is it possible that his reluctance is a response to the pressures in both of your lives at the moment? It might also explain his not being intimate at the moment.

This is not to invalidate your feelings of course. At 30 years old, stable partner, comfortable in terms of living arrangements and lifestyle... why isn't now the right time to have a child? In my experience, endo, too, can trigger an uncertainty and urgency about having children. This is something your partner should understand, particularly with you having undergone painful treatment and/or surgeries, dealing with the physical as well as mental strain throughout your life.

I don't know if I've been any help at all. I don't pretend to be Oprah, I just wanted to let you know that there is someone who is listening to you and thinking of you amidst all of this. Please take time for yourself and practice self-care whenever you can: reading, lobster baths, TV and chocolates, a glass of wine, whatever it is you do to relax. If you feel like it at the moment, reaching out to your partner for other forms of intimacy such as cuddling and kissing might also help. Please feel free to message me, or keep replying to this post if you would like to talk. You aren't alone. Take care xxx

[Meriel_Owen in reply to rebekah2311]

Thanks so much for your reply. It means a great deal to me, honestly!

I'm trying so much to draw things out of him and listen to him, but my heart is getting heavier. He is worried about money, which I understand, because we're scraping by. But throughout all this, he keeps dragging me down - criticising my lack of money, telling me I don't have a career, and that I wouldn't cope (mentally) with a child. He also constantly refers to how he's put up with me during my depression from the endo - I figure that's just his own stress talking, but it still hurts. He is genuinely worried about me, of course, but it comes out in this way that makes me feel inadequate. Or is that my own anxiety?

I'm a professional cellist but can't always earn enough money to cover all the bills due to sodding endo, and the fact that a music career is relentless and exhausting. I think he holds some resentment towards me for doing the thing that I love. He is also a musician but hasn't been able to make it work as a living.

Like I said, it's quite a minefield.

But at the essence of it all is this resounding feeling that we're just not right for each other anymore. Despite the uncertainty and fear of endo, I think I am quite brave. I've done a lot of travelling, met a lot of people, lived in different places, and I feel like having a child is just another brave leap that I have to make. I really want to have a family. He has always said "in a few years", but never with the kind of conviction, or excitement. We put a deadline on this May for me to take the coil out, but now he's not sure.

I'm left wondering if he actually knows what he wants. There are dreams he's been holding on to for years which haven't happened yet. I feel for him. He's 35 and I think he has found himself drifting and dreaming more than doing. He's very hard working and practical, and always finds a way, but I think the permanence of a child is so unlike anything he's ever had. obviously its the same for everyone, ha! but even more so for Greg. I'm also a dreamer, so I understand him. But I know what I want. The fact that he doesn't appear to know has changed my feelings towards him. I can't force him to be ready, yet I can't invest in someone who doesn't want the same thing. I have my own mental block around intimacy, because of all these doubts.

It's really scary to imagine moving on without him.

Woah....that was a long ramble!

[rebekah2311 in reply to Meriel_Owen]

I can perfectly understand why you would be feeling inadequate in this situation, but you must know that it isn't you or your anxiety at all. A loved one should not patronise you or drag you down. I understand he is under a lot of stress right now, but so are you and that is the last thing you need. It's also not nice to have the support your partner has given you for your physical illness or depression thrown back at you. I think you might be right about some level of resentment or jealousy towards you for being able to pursue your music. From experience, I think your partner might find it easier to deflect discussion of children onto you - YOU aren't mentally ready, YOU aren't financially stable - than answer to it himself. I would suggest that it his him rather than you that is unusual: in being 35 and still not ready to have children (sorry, first-time parents aged 35 and up!) Perhaps he is struggling with the fact that he knows he might never be ready, and life may not play out for him as he thought it would?

That, of course, feeds into what you are saying about maybe not being right for each other anymore. Accepting he might not have the children he dreamed of could also cause him to worry he might lose you as a result. It is definitely causing you to re-think your feelings towards him and the future of your relationship, and you can't be blamed for doing so.

Ultimately, I think the issue of children is the one thing that divides couples more than anything at this stage. I get what you are feeling one hundred per cent when you say it is really scary to imagine moving on without him. I feel the same with regards to my partner. But you could stay with him another five years waiting for him to be ready and it might never happen. You could miss your opportunity to meet someone new and start a family and you would resent him for it. Could it help to perhaps put a new time limit on it? Communicate with your partner, let him know that it is a kind of deal-breaker for you: I'm ready now, but I am willing to wait another x months for you. If you are still not sure, I think it best we go our separate ways. And then give him time to think about it alone until the "deadline"?

I hope that's not an awfully immature proposition, I have absolutely no experience when it comes to discussing starting a family. I just hope it offers you an alternative to thinking you have to walk away right now, which is the hardest thing to comprehend.

Xxx

[Meriel_Owen in reply to rebekah2311]

thanks for your insights.

also thanks for reassuring me. my own sense of self is getting lost in all that is going on these days.

unfortunately, from past experience, I know that giving him a deadline this year probably won't work in my favour. I can't imagine what I would do in that scenario, as neither of us can go anywhere whilst lockdown is going on, unless I moved in with my parents, but that's a risk in itself because of my dad's cancer, and would definitely upset them if it was because of our relationship issues. I need to talk about that with someone, I think, as feeling like there's nowhere to go is not a good place to be in my mind.

Really appreciate your listening.

[Bubble_by]

Oh wow, I read this and it's like reading an excerpt from my life about 4 years ago. I'm so sorry for all the awful things that have happened to you recently 💕

I don't think it's lockdown that's the issue - it's him that's the issue. Sounds to me like he was dragging his feet even before this started and now he'll use the lockdown as an excuse. Can you imagine if you did go ahead and have kids with him and you hit a tiny bump in the road and he started becoming distant? Best you found out now rather than 5 years from now. I've found that a boyfriend who is unsupportive and unwilling to commit is worse than just being single.

Please don't think I'm being insensitive or harsh, but I speak from experience as my ex did the same to me a few years ago. He strung me along and wasted my time when I could've found someone else who genuinely wanted the same things as I did. So it INCENSES me when I hear the same thing happening to someone else.

You deserve way better than him. It different for men to decide when they have children but sadly we as endo sufferers dont have that privilege. Don't put anything on hold for a guy because most of them (I live in hope there are a few decent ones still left) would not do the same for you.

Remember the little girl you once were who had big dreams and and set to take on the world? Don't dissapoint her. Go and live your best life and I hope things get better soon 💕

[Moon_maiden]

Huge hug, sorry you’re going through so much, it’s a lot to deal with.

Have you tried talking to GP, they may be able to recommend a local organisation who you can talk to.

Lost my cat a month ago, she was getting on, but you do miss them.

I get the relationship scenario as well, not including baby though, my choice, but not one for everyone.

Also around if messaging.

Take care

[Rosie_Eliz]

Hi Meriel_Owen,

I’m sorry to hear about how you’ve been suffering, it sounds like you’ve had a really difficult time.

If you need someone to talk to, we do have a network of support services that are available to anybody affected by endometriosis . Our free helpline (0808 808 2227 ) is run by volunteers who have personal experience of endometriosis. The helpline is open most days the times it is open can be found here:

endometriosis-uk.org/helpline

If you do find that you are feeling very low, we suggest you call the Samaritans on 116 123. They operate a 24 hour Helpline and have highly trained volunteers who can speak with you.

Best wishes,

Rosie_Eliz

Endometriosis_UK