Massive Row with O/H

Usually so supportive.

We've spent all evening rowing because he's saying he's not ok with no love life and I am not sure I want the bowel op as my symptoms are moderate and it's on the outside of the bowel. He thinks I've made up my mind which actually I haven't. Sex has hurt all my life but he just remembers our brief hormone fueled honeymoon period.

He's spent all night, trying to bully me into agreeing with his recollection of events, criticising me saying I'm wrong, making me doubt my memory, my research, conversations here, that I ask the surgeon too many questions.

I thought he started coming to the sessions to support me, in fact it's because he doesn't trust me or my cognitive abilities or decision making process.

What if he's right what if I can't think straight, remember anything accurately anymore. My dad has dementia what if I have some endo hormone fuelled variant of it. It's all right for him, he doesn't have to go through it.

My self-esteem, belief and confidence was low already , struggling with work and depression. Now it is in tatters.

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  • Sorry to hear this Starry, I'm sure you can remember what's been happening with your body.

    It sounds as if your partner has been trying to support you by going to appointments etc with you but has now presented it in a different way.

    I'm sorry he's made you feel bad, perhaps when you've both calmed down a bit you can talk again.

    I also suffer from endo, we've had to adapt our love life to the situation, which is difficult particularly after surgeries etc.

    I hope things get better for you today. X

  • Hugs. I hope you're OK. As far as I'm aware there is no endo hormone fuelled variant of dementia, so try and put that thought of your mind.

    I guess the big question is, are you willing to have the surgery. From all your posts, the impression I get is that you aren't and that's fine. It's your choice. Maybe it would be better to put that on the table now and see if the two of you can find a way forward on that basis. It's easy to say oh, just get the surgery when you aren't the person who has to go through with it. That said, the surgery may well put an end to the pain during sex, it has for me, and from his point of view it may well seem that you've been offered a solution to this problem but don't want to take it and this has hurt his feelings and those hurt feelings are making him behave badly. Is there a possibility that you are overthinking things a bit? You've talked a lot about the surgery being very risky but it is important to keep a sense of perspective. Yes there are risks involved, but with an experienced surgeon they are reduced and most bowel surgeries only require a shave of the bowel.

    I hope you're OK and get a big bunch of flowers and an apology. x.

  • He shouldnt be treating you like that. If sex hurts then its nt your fault and you seem desperate to try and solve it. Your OH whatever that means needs to man up and take care of you not this abuse. Take care trust your own judgement endo can be a struggle to get people to treat it and for some weird reason some people mix it all up with a pshychological problem - which it is not. Show himt him the door babe if he dont start acting like a human being sorry - hugs c xxxxx

  • Hi hunny. I'm so sorry to hear this. Men don't always explain how they're feeling in the right way . They just say what comes into their head without thinking how it will received, but not meaning any harm.

    When things have calmed down I'm sure you will work it out.

    Try explaining that if sex was painful for him would he still want to have it. Probably not.

    My hubby has a very high sex drive and I have none plus it's painfull. We find pleasure in other ways. Like having a shower together. Just that closeness.

    With regards to surgery it's your choice what you do , not his. He doesn't have to go through it.

    I'm always here for you Hun.

    Big hugs. Xxx

  • Thank you everybody and hugs for your own pain. X He was suffering the after effects of sedative and tooth removal so it's was very out of character. He's been a rock since he realised the severity so that's why it shook me to the core.

    WRT the surgery, I just don't know, maybe I am over analyzing. If I had daily pain it would be a no brainer. But now the coil is gone I don't again . I seem to be a borderline case. Not a-symptomatic (where I read the recommendation is expectant management) but not terrible either, it's not gone into the interior of the bowel. It's all so confusing there isn't a clear path for me in the literature.

    My main issue is the chronic fatigue and Dyspareunia. I took a stupidly long time to recover after my first lap and I can't find reports indicating noduletomy will improve these 2 symptoms. What if as my pain isn't that bad now that it becomes worse after ( if an improvement is roughly 50:50) due to new adhesions? What if I can't have sex at all due to post op cervix pain (nodule attached to cervix) or have permanent IBS symptoms I don't have now as ingoing I'm a not a "bad" case symptom wise. Don't most women having this op have bad symptoms to start with?

  • When I told I had severe endometriosis I was surprised by the news as I did not have much pain at all. Because the condition is effecting the ureter and kidney so I have to have the operation. I was a bit sceptical about the outcome.

    Actually I feel so much better after my operation. I was really shocked and wish I had the operation 10 years earlier. There are many people experience positive outcomes as well as negative ones. However, online people tends to focus on the negative. It certainly made me felt more anxious than the reality.

    Hope this helps. Hope your partner will calm down and help you through the decision making process.

  • Many thanks Stella for sharing. It's reassuring to know that perhaps even with moderate symptoms improvement is possible.

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