Confused how to talk to my friends about kids

[Bubbles88]

I'm 23 and I'm about to start lupron injections for my endometriosis. My doctor and I have had very serious talks about how infertility is going to be something I face. I've been slowly dealing with that fact but I'm getting to a place where I'm trying to learn to accept it. It's still hard but I'm learning. The one thing I'm struggling to do is have conversations with my friends around my age. They will start talking about having babies and what they are going to do, but I don't really know what to do or say at that time. They are all healthy while I'm about to start aggressive treatment for my endo in any hope to stop the growth and my pain. Its more of damage control at this point. I mean, if this doesn't work, there are plans to take out the right fallopian tube and ovary. I can't talk about having babies because that's not something i can do unless i get this under control and even then, ivf is my only shot and that won't be until i get my shit together and can eventually afford it. I don't want them to think they can't talk about this stuff with me either though. I want to hear about it and be able to be apart of that with them. But I guess i just don't know how to relate or be apart of the conversation without getting that look of pity from them. Idk sorry for the rant, this is all so new and I'm not really sire what to do with it all

[Christin_a]

I think it's best to be honest with them about your situation. It will a help when they are talking about children. But you may also find that it helps one of them, they may be having issues but not be diagnosed, or may have issues later on or know someone else who does. It should also help them to be sensative about these topics around you so if you ask for the subject to be changed as its at a time your really struggling then they know why without then having to go through it at that time.

I'm an advocate personally for being open about my issues as I see it as even if I don't help that particular person they have it in their mind so if someone else in their life has issues they can suggest endometriosis. I know it can be difficult to start to conversation, maybe try it with your closest friend/s first and see how it goes and branch out from there.

[wanwood]

There are benefits to being honest and yes, you can help start that conversation about how things don't always go according to plan and when your friends inevitably face things that are difficult or unexpected it may not be such a shock. (Especially if it turns out you're not the only one with endo.) Personally, I think it's best to do it in a matter of fact way when you tell people - you've done such a great work to begin accepting that the journey won't be easy and beginning to learn to come to terms with it, you can be proud of that progress.

I would be careful about telling too many people too many details or how you feel about it on the bad days. If everyone is aware of how hard it is for you when they start talking about their future plans, they will be more sensitive to you, which can be helpful, but as you say, there's a risk they stop telling you things to spare your feelings. So you need to weigh up the benefits and risks of sharing too widely.

One of my oldest friends, who lives in another area but I keep in touch with, didn't tell me she was pregnant or that she then lost the baby, which was devastating for her. She thought what I was going through (endo/infertility) was worse than what she was going through and she didn't want to seem ungrateful for the children she already has or insensitive. I would much rather she had told me at the time so I could have been there for her! I guess it's added distance between us which I wan't expecting. Just an illustration of how you can't predict how people will react.

As far as how you join in when they are planning their futures, talk about all of the other things you would like to do with your life in the future and don't worry about how practical it is! Progressing in your career, travelling, moving, buying a house, getting a dog, whatever. They're just speculating about their futures, they don't know what will happen either, so don't take their plans too seriously.

I don't know if you've looked into whether you would be eligible in principle for IVF on the NHS in your area, but it might be more hopeful than you think.

It's not easy to navigate but you have time on your side as you work out how to approach this. Not that many people these days are ready for children etc at 23.

Hope this helps xx