Trying to conceive

[ChloB]

Good morning! I’ve been trying for a baby since March but it’s not really going well... I know that’s only short window but we are having mechanical issues. It’s seems both of us are really in our heads if it’s not me it’s him. Either I’m too tight or he’s not quite hard enough.

Has anyone got any tips

I’m also really anxious I’m off the pill and I feel like I should really get back on it if we can’t have a baby right now. I’m just really anxious that without being on the pill my endo will just build up. Should I go back on?

[luthien]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're feeling awful about it all.

Endo can grow while on the pill, yes it slows it down, but do bear in mind that when you come off the pill to conceive; even though you have normal cycles sometimes it can take up to 6 months for the bodies normal hormones to kick in and actually ovulate. So give it some time.

Your endo won't suddenly get worse so you'll be able to keep an eye on symptom changes / increases each cycle, just note them down.

As for the mental side; are you putting having a child over your relationship? I know nothing about you so don't want to judge; apologies if it sounds that way. I realise you and me like many other women feel the need to have children so it adds pressure. I guess firstly ask yourself if you had a child could you cope with your endo during your pregnancy (as sometimes it gets worse). What about after having a child (as sometimes a lap with removal of end is needed in the first 6 months of having a child)? Just thoughts. Okay so you're both feeling down and probably both pressured; how about not worrying about a child and endo at the moment (pill or not, up to you) and spend time just getting to know each other again, talk, have fun, don't make it all about your cycle.

Have you talked to your partner about his concerns? I know when I discussed it with my hubby - we talk openly - and we're just seeing what happens - he was worried about hurting me, what if the sex makes endo grow? what if I need a lap after? what if I get ill throughout pregnancy, what if he can't perform so I get annoyed? He didn't need to worry as I'm happy to just see what happens and focus on us - sex is a big part of our relationship. I'm not sure if that's the case for other people's relationships - but if the communication goes and there's added pressure he may just feel like the love has gone from the moment and he's just a sperm producer that could hurt you. I know it's a worst case but most guys won't open up about their feelings in this case combined with endo because they already know we're in pain, upset, and emotion so don't want to worry us more.

It seems like you just need to take a step back from the trying to conceive and focus on being together - you don't want this to break your relationship so it becomes; measure - ovulation - put it in - sperm produced - wee on a stick, each month! A conception should come out of love and I feel that sometimes if we add pressure it can actually add stress and therefore make conceiving almost impossible as your cycles plus endo doesn't respond well to stress.

I hope that helps in some way x

[ChloB in reply to luthien]

Yeah that helps. You’re definitely saying what I’m feeling. I think we need to take the pressure off. It’s just easier said than done. It so doesn’t help with the endo cloud looming. Just got to try and get out of our heads and enjoy being with each. I’ve had a lot of complications with my health since November and we’d love a child but equally know it’s such a timing thing and maybe this isn’t our time yet. When we have sex and I’m flaring the pain doesn’t effect our libido at all. It’s just bizarre that in this pain low season we can’t have sex physically. Last month it was me and this weekend he’s has problems. It’s so frustrating. We love sex usually and it’s a core part of our marriage it’s just been so difficult

[luthien in reply to ChloB]

Glad I can help!

I know it's not easy, my hubby and I have taken a good few months, if not about a year to get used to my symptoms, flareups, feelings and taken the time to work through his worries. It's all about trust; you both need to know you'll talk about any worries / concerns. A lot about sex if it's a core part of your relationship, like it is mine, is learning that things just happen naturally because you love each other and really like the closeness, don't lose sight of that.

Really focus on that closeness, spending time together, talking, even if sex doesn't happen, it's fine because you've talked about your worries - that bit I know upsets me emotionally as I feel I'm not "there" anymore. Just remember even stuff not related to sex can affect performance as it's emotional too; you both need to feel there and connected at that time. I know not easy with all the stuff that goes on during each day and the week, talk all the time, every evening, be close, enjoy the cuddles, find yourselves The rest including a child will come in time if it's part of your path, if not then don't worry about that for the moment- whatever happens will just happen and fall into place whichever way it's meant to be - just my spiritual point of view (not religious)

As my hubby always says with regards to sex and conception; "enjoy the journey and the process"!!