sympathy

Hi guys, I am just wondering if anyone finds it hard to have sympathy for other people when they want sympathy for being ill? my sister in law has fibro and its hard on her i get that, but she doesn't help herself so I find it hard to sympathise with her when I do all I can to make my life manageable with endo. All she looks for is for people to feel sorry for her and I feel like I should be able to empathise, How do people get round being sympathetic to others who don't help themselves? any suggestions would be helpful...

thanks Jillybean xxx

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  • If I'm totally honest I avoid them my mum is one of those people and right now my pain is getting real bad and I'm trying all sorts the natural way diet supplements detoxing everything but you know how it is it bloody hurts sometimes. Iv had to cave In and take some paracetsmol and codeine. My mum smokes like a chimney she has copd she takes all tablets ever offered to her drinks when she's not supposed to and expects everyone to run around her including her nearly 70 year old dad. I really keep my distance because when I'm in agony and my fatigue is bad when she's offered to help she has the cheek to call me lazy without even taking the time to research my situation and care. My hubby had to explain to her how hard it is for me. I am a good empsthizer but I don't have time for sympathy hunters πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ‘πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • Hi AllWeNeedIsLuv,

    I am glad I am not the only one. Yeah, My sis in law, drinks and smokes (she also has asthma too) she doesn't listen to what anyone tells her, and then she has a go at us for going out and enjoying ourselves at the football and not thinking about family etc.. (a fight that was had the other day) she then claims she is sore and not thinking straight etc etc.. I have bad days too, and read up somewhere that fibro and endo are in the top 20 most painful conditions to experience. From now on if she rants at me through txt message I am going to say if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. We had invited them over tomorrow evening, and she wanted a weekend and we can't always do whole weekends coz we have other stuff on and she went off on one. Then she cancelled because she feels rotten?!?! I was raging!! Don't agree to something let alone cause fights about it and then cancel if you aren't completely sure ! sorry for the rant, but it really got to me! x

  • Your right hun. Don't be made to feel bad for others outrages. At the end of the day I think these kind of people are narsascists and I seriously can't stand it. I used to run around after my mum go hospital every time she tried to top herself although she did it for attention whenever any one has had enough of her selfish ways she goes down that road and has people worrying about her she did it once when I was 7 month pregnant and the nurse at the hospital said to me stop worrying about her when she should be worrying about me and my daughter to be. They obviously have her record she us bipolar also (but I don't completely buy it) iv known her all my life. Your sis in law sounds like she needs to get a grip and sort her attitude out your perfectly welcome to rant there is women like us who try our very best and get nowhere at times and others that kick and stamp their feet and seem to get everything and everyone bowing down to them. My mum is on the highest rate dla for life and esa and goes spending money like she's rich every week in town she's not In pain then shopping for hours then when she's all spent up she's in agony doesn't add up with me I know to some I sound horrid but iv seen it all all of my life and iv only recently realised how much she gains out of playing victim. πŸ’—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • yeah exactly, they pick and choose when they feel sore whereas with endo, you can't really pick and choose, it just comes over you like a wave. I start back at work tomorrow after being off work from the 6th August when I had my laparoscopy, I am getting a second op aswell just waiting on the date of it. It is on my bowel so need a bowel surgeon as they might have to remove bits of my bowel. Have you suffered for long and had treatment? I totally get your frustration with your mum. It is annoying because even if something is really wrong it makes it hard for others to feel anything if they only show signs at certain times and there is a pattern.

    Bit nervous about starting back as my period is due anytime :-( will be dosing up on painkillers tomorrow though to help me through the day. It is my pelvic pain that really gets to me. What do you experience?

  • Bless ya it's horrid isn't it for years I thought this is just me it all c started when I was young 14 when I started my periods I would go to hospital bin middle of night ( my dad would take me my mum left us) they'd always say nothing or constipation. Horrendous lower back pain and pains in stomach when I did anything c active times I couldn't even stand a straight like I pulled something. Fatigue fatigue fatigue used to fall sleep in class on holidays I would sleep while others would be out playing. Bleeding through clothes not one doctor ever mentioned endo. They all put me on b c mirena sent for scans etc nothing. Then last year when I stopped Brest feeding my girl the pain came back with a vengeance I Googled and I found endo went docs and told them I have it and now this Feb got it diagnosed minimal they treated and a band from vthe belly button to bowel they didn't v touch. So I'm trying to get a specialist now as I'm ttc and I know it's come back sat in the bath now trying to ease pain. I'm 32 now so 18 Years it took πŸ˜¬πŸ˜‚ what a joke.

    Your having it removed from your bowel how you feeling about that?

    Surgery so soon after your previous. Bless you it's horrid

    They think it's on my bowel not in I do get blood when and pain when I go always have suffered with bowel problems. It's the pelvis down that gets me hips back groin and legs really throbbing I get real bad migraines too.

    Fatigue gets me bad though I can try deal with pain at times but the fatigue is a killer.

    You hit nail on the head about feeling for them when they're I'll my mum cries and I can't be emotional towards her I find it hard because I know it's fake it's crazy if you knew her you would understand πŸ’—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • Hey, I am also 32, but have suffered since I was 18/19. Had multiple ultra sounds but because it was on the surface of the bowel they didn't see it on the ultrasound. I then in the last year started getting a yanking pain as if someone had a rope whenever I needed to pass bowels. I found it weird how that was a symptom that had developed. But when I went to the doc about that they said yup for sure that is a classic endo sign, so she referred me and things went pretty quickly from there. My surgeon is fab. They have been having a few meetings about me, since I had my mri ( dont know if that is a good thing or bad lol) and then i will hear about when my next op date will be. It is really funny because i have been through so many different emotions, relief when I was told at my first lap that i had it, then anxiety and nerves kicked in with the relisation of how big an op it is going to be. As according to my surgeon there is alot. Now that I have read stories on here and spoken to people about the same surgery it has reassured me how worth it it is and people have told me its not a big deal getting some of your bowel removed as your bowel is huge. He did say it might need to be a colonoscopy. As long as im under general ansthetic tho i couldnt care how they get rid of it lol!

    I can't imagine what it must be like for you with having a wee one too. We havent tried yet as want to get this fixed first.

    I hope your pain eases. Are you going for another op? Where are you from and getting your treatment? Im just outside Edinburgh.

    This site makes everything so much easier to deal with..

    Your symptoms sound very similar to mine especially the pelvic pains. They are a killer, especially when you have to stand for long periods of time, didnt stop me dancing to shania twain in london tho, she made the pain worth it even though I could hardly walk after her set Lol. Its amazing what we put ourselves through and how strong our bodies and minds are x

  • Oh wow. Whens your 33rd bday?

    I'm glad your gp and surgeon are sorting you out it's nice to have them working with you instead of against you. Last time I was in hospital crying my eyes out to the surgeon he said ' your not ill your just in pain" last time I go hospital in agony rude arse.

    Wish you all the best with your op real glad their sorting it for you. It's hard standing for long periods I get really bad pins and needles through my legs to my feet when having a number 2 sometimes I get super hot and dizzy I feel I'm going to pass on the loo get knife feelings up my bum. Iv had a sigmoidoscopy which was clear but the pain I experienced indicated it was on the bowel the Dr said. I just wish that band wasn't there then maybe they would have been able to see it. Iv been taking serrapeptase in the hope it will get rid of this band.

    Yanking pain that sounds awful. I don't experience that just knife pain and feeling like I'm never done also it comes sometimes all of a sudden and it feels like I'm being crushed really tight there and I can't move and then the πŸ’© starts to come out with no time to get the loo or the pain preventing me. Sorry tmi but it's the truth and I hate it. I feel like I'm 70 iv lost my looks feel like death warmed up and just want anther kid and to have some kind of a life.

    I'm from Leeds being referred to miscarriage clinic iv also booked my self in to see an endo specialist to see what he can do. Such a headache but I want to have one more surgery to give me best chance of conceiving and sustaining pregnancy then after that hopefully enjoy life. Glad you had fun at shania Twain's concert. Its nice to have fun. We do end up paying for it though. I'm spotting now and it hurts bad on Saturday we're supposed to be going to wildlife park I don't know if I can but I'm going to give it a good go. Good luck with work tomorrow hun. Hope it isn't too much for you πŸ’—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • My birthday is 1st July 1985. Yours?

    That sounds horrific. I had a nurse saying to me at my last ultra sound so wheres this pain you are getting we dont see it, rage! Its horrid when you are fighting with people.

    Hope you manage the safari park, I am sure itll be ok,. As you'll be walking about, it helps when keep moving. Get some muscle rub and rub it around your pelvis before you go? And take it with you, ive done that before and its helped. Voltarol pain eeze i swear by it. The knife pain doesn't sound fun either. Eshk.

    Thank you i hope to survive the day lol i work with kids so should be interesting lol.

    Feel free to message me anytime xxxxx

  • 2nd Jan 1985. I think I'll give it a go. I'm going to have to give in a, see docs soon if I continue v not sleeping I can't believe this headache has come back it's a I nightmare fatigue and insomnia how c does that work? πŸ˜• you too hun message me anytime it's been nice chatting with you have a, good day at work. Sleep well πŸ’—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • In fact is the yanking pain like low in pelvis just before you need to pass b m but it's, extremely painful like what I'm saying when you can't move. We all describe pain differently don't we. But now I think yanking I think I know what you mean. You try to get up but it pulls u down you can't move? Like that crushing I'm describing? Can you relate? πŸ’—πŸ€—πŸ˜˜

  • Exactly, i sometimes can't sit down when i get it coz its putting preassure on it, but yeh, i imagine it being like a rope pulling up my coxics and i have to put both hands on a wall sometimes until it passes xxx

  • I have to say I have this problem as well. A close relative of mine has a really severe life-threatening condition which has been difficult for all of us and I also have experienced a lot of pain for years with endo. So I find myself getting frustrated easily when people complain excessively about minor ailments or when people take their health for granted and live really unhealthy lifestyles. I know it's bad and it's all relative. I hope one day I can become more sympathetic too.

  • It is so horrible Endo101, makes us feel like horrid people but at the end of the day we are going through something that nobody else will ever understand unless you have it or have lived with someone with it. One thing I have found about us strong woman is that we don't let Endo take over we fight it. More people need to do this with other health conditions. I think that is what is so frustrating. I am sympathetic but only to people who I feel deserve it, who try and help themselves but still struggle. So know exactly what you mean xx

  • For me it always depends on what's actually wrong with them. For some people who genuinely have another condition or something like that, I do try and be more sympathetic even if they're not always helping themselves. At the end of the day, I have no idea what's going on in their mind so perhaps they're not able to do anything else at that time, or mentally they need that boost from other people.

    Failing that and for situations like yours based on your other comments too, I remind them of all the things they should be doing (or not doing) to relieve the pain and see what they say. If they're literally doing nothing to help then I tell them to have a rant to me once they've tried even one recommendation but not before.

    What I have zero sympathy for are the girls who have no problems with their period but who still insist they know how I'm feeling because they have cramp right now. No, hun. You really, really don't. And no, that doesn't mean you get a free pass to act like you're dying.

  • I just ignore family members and friends who do this to me. Sometimes you have to put your own health first. You can not always be there for others when you do not feel 100%.

    I no longer give them any attention. It's hard at first but they get the message in the end. If you do not feed there narcissistic behaviour they are forced to deal with things on their own. It's a jealousy like response you get when they can not have their own way.

    My mother I suspected has endometriosis but she has been classed as being clinically depressed. She has always been jealous of how I try to stay positive. When she is suck as a negative person. It's all most like she gets a kick out of feeling negative and making everyone's life around her miserable with her controlling ways. I have had nothing to do with her for the last 28 years. It's the only way I could cope. My mother's narcissistic behaviour became violent when I was 16 and the police advised me to stay away from her for my own safety.

    My Father had COPD later in life and died 4 years ago aged 61. due to his lungs collapsing. He had a alcohol problem all his life and I was forever having to sort him out. He made life very stressful at times.I believe my mother was the cause of his stress and anxiety. The only way he could cope was through alcohol. My mother destroyed him.

    My parents split up when I was five and it was world war 3 for 40 years of my life till my dad died.

    My dad's family disowned me when he died 4 years ago. I have panic attacks and very bad anxiety if I have to deal with any of them now.

    My mother turned her side of the family against me. She told them a pack of lies over the years. They now know that non of her lies are true. My mother tried to destroy me, but I will not let her.

    I am now on my own with my boyfriend and our dogs.I have not been able to have children due to the endometriosis. Life is calmer and my body has decided it's time to deal with all the stress. hence the cyst and the endometriosis diagnosis. Now I just take each day as it comes and I start a new day as a fresh positive day. I deal with everything life throws at me in the best way I can. There are good days and bad days.

    My advice would be. Do what is right for you in that present situation. Don't back down to demands and remember your body can only take so much stress. When you have reached your limit and can not cope. You need to start looking after yourself and give yourself some love. At the end of the day the only person who knows how you think and feel is yourself. So do what is best for you.

    Take care, you are stronger than you realise.

    Xxx

  • My word sweetie, you have defo been through it!! I am glad your boyfriend is there to stick by you and you have the companions of your dogs. Animals really do help don't they? My cat has got me through some really tough days just by lying beside me. It is like he is aware something is up. When I got home from my op he snuggled in beside me and he doesn't usually do that as much now.

    Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate hearing other points of view. What you described at the beginning is spot on. I have often thought she is jealous of the way I can go about and live a "normal" life. It is what frustrates me because she really doesn't think about what others go through, and I don't mean for her to show sympathy for me as I am not like that, but just an appreciation that I am going through something also. I often think she thinks that just because I am getting an op and getting it fixed she sees it as not being such a big deal because her pain will never go away. It doesn't mean that we aren't going through pain too.

    We were at my husband and hers mums on Saturday and she knew we were there visiting my husbands mum specifically and her husband who has Parkinsons which is such a horrible disease and he is 90 and coping amazingly. She goes on about how her mum is struggling and having to look after Iain, but doesn't mention how Iain is struggling with Parkinsons. That is scary... It has just hit me there writing this to you that is how she looks at things.

    If she has another go at us at all then that is exactly what I am going to say to her. I can't believe I didn't think of that at the time but you don't think when you are in a rage as you can probably relate.

    I really do hope you get yourself sorted, have you been getting tests?

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