endometriosis and significant other

[LianaP]

Hi all

I have been struggling with endo since 2015 and finally got a laparoscopy (5 hr long, cut vagina and rectum, long recovery with 2x visit to ER from severe bleeding=hypovolemic shock) and back reluctantly on the pill. Endo gave me deliberating pain (level 9). luckily just 5 days a month. but those days were spent crying on the floor w hot packs and trying to distract myself w movies.

my question is, how has endo affected your relationships, mainly with your significant other?

My husband and i fought a lot.. k think mainly because i had no energy and was irritable (?) He didn't come to my surgery (but came the next day)... we are now seperated. it was an emotional and physical struggle. he refused to go to therapy and said there was something wrong with me not him..

i just needed to vent and see if anyone can relate..

[sal-lew]

Hiya. Firstly good news that you are on the road to recovery, and I hope the surgery really helps you.

Secondly, I am so sorry for the lack of support you have had from your partner. I think it can be hard for other people to grasp as it sounds (to the blissfully ignorant) like the 'painful periods' illness. I think this can be harder for men because they don't have the same system as us anyway and often aren't exposed to info about the menstrual cycle as it is, let alone things like endo. My husband used to get very grossed out by period talk until I lectured him about feeling demonised for what my body naturally does etc and then he was ok - glad I did this with endo as the next hurdle!!

It goes without saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you as he has stated. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you are better off without him. Endo takes its toll on us both physically and emotionally, and you need support through it, and somebody understanding. Whilst awaiting my surgery I was extra snappy and irritable (worse than the average hormonal bitchiness) but regularly apologised to my husband for it. He has been very understanding and through the whole process has kept my emotional/mental health in mind, not just my physical health. Your partners attitude was bang out of order and I hope that you can reconcile things, and he can see how difficult this has been for you - if not, onwards and upwards. I do know a few people that have partners that aren't considerate to their other halves health so you aren't alone, but that doesn't make it ok and you shouldn't have to experience it. Look after yourself and sending big hugs xx

[LianaP in reply to sal-lew]

Hi Sal-lew,

Thanks so much for your response. It really means a lot and it helped me feel better.

We were already not doing so well as a couple and Im not sure it was because of my irritability from endo as there was a time where I did not know i had endo and was trying to figure it out... He finally joined me on couples therapy and i told him that i want to work on my irritability.

it was just so difficult to fight for my health AND my marriage at the same time. I as overwhelmed and all i wanted was love and support. I wish he had gone to dr's with me or just been more proactive. Its already so hard to explain how endo feels like to people, let a lone men, like u say.

My recovery was rough and at this point I was living with my aunt.. i had asked him to cancel his business trips to spend more time w me and he said no...

Im not sure where our relationship took a turn but I know struggling with endo did not help.. but i cant help but think that in trauma and trial, ones true personality comes out.. and from what i saw, i wish he was there for me more..

We are still separated and havent seen him in months.. and I feel stronger. Now that my endo pain is at bay, I can reflect on our relationship more. ..

Thanks again for your kind and encouraging words.

[sal-lew in reply to LianaP]

It sounds like you are doing well now you've had time to reflect and also recovery. Us endo sisters always come back fighting and it sounds like you're doing the same. Keep smiling and look after yourself xx

[Poorna66]

I am so sorry for what you are going through sweetie. It is horrid that apart from your pain and surgery you also have to deal with marital problems. Endo ruins so many things for so many women and yet it is not even considered a serious disease, makes me so angry. My husband is thankfully supportive and understanding but I have enough family members who act as if I am a lazy, neurotic cry-baby who cannot handle some "period pains". I had a "close friend" who once told me "what's the big deal, stop acting as if you are the only one who gets periods, we all get it too". Needless to say, she is no longer a good friend. Unfortunately, this kind of attitude is all too common. It took plenty of time, plenty of lectures and dragging along to appointments to even make my husband understand but at least he was open to it. Sounds like your husband wasn't even willing to try and that's not nice.

I firmly believe that it is very important for recovery to have supportive family and friends who don't make you feel worse about yourself than you are already feeling. Endo is not just a physical disease, it messes with the mind too especially with all the harmonal treatments we go through. If your husband was not able to be the support system you needed and was making you feel bad about yourself, then maybe it is best that you are no longer together. Personally I think it was really unkind of him not to come to your surgery, especially since it was a major one.

Focus on your health right now, both physical and mental, and take care of yourself. Once you feel physically and mentally ok, then think about what you want to do next. If you feel you'd like to give it another shot then maybe you can suggest therapy one more time and see how he responds? If you feel it is pointless then perhaps it is. Either ways don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you were doing the best you could within the limitations you had. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best. Hugs xxx