Monday is my date they just called to bump me up to May 8th at 11:15 AM.I feel scared about so many things

[Sarahlovesjuliet]

I know this is not a cure.My Doctor well informed me about that.She said if I wanted more children with my blood pressure being so high from the pain that trying anything is better then just not doing anything . The shots did not work the removing every endo spot she could see while saving everything else did not work.I have everything fused together and my pain is constant .I feel more then they see even.I feel my kidney blocked from it I feel my bowels ripping as they pass by what I imagine as a mass of tissue. I was always told I could not have children I never knew why.I always had so much estrogen like I was pregnant and swollen breast they look fake DDDD 36.And they hurt.For some odd reason even though I had all these problems with my hormones and did not know I had endometriosis when I met my husband it went away I was 29.Our 1st time together knowing our chances of getting pregnant were not really there we got pregnant! We stayed up all night that night talking about adopting a child after we get married.I was at peace with the fact that I would not be able to have a child the conventional way.But 2 weeks later I had no period and normally i had gut wrenching heating blanket needing stay in bed 3 days periods.So I knew something was different.I took a test it said positive.I went back and bought 3 more test I drank 2 lipton teas and they popped up darker lines.I was all by myself in my room and I remember being in disbelief.I also was scared I would miscarry but I did not I had her 1 days after her due date.A healthy baby girl.I almost died to have her.At 6 weeks along doctors begged me to abort because my kidney was blocked by a 10mm stone and I had a staph infection that they thought was going to kill me.I had a horrible pregnancy bed rest the whole time.I could not have surgery because I was pregnant after the infection went away.That was the hardest 9 months of my life.I would do it a million times over for my daughter and I'm happy I made that choice because it was worth it.But I never want to do anything like that again.So being infertile will not make me sad. it will make me happy.I am 100% sure I never want to have a baby again.Not 1 that this body carries.Adoption is always a adoption that will always be there and it wont kill me and take me away from my baby that is 2 and needs me.So that part does not scare me .it will not feel like a loss in that sense.But I'm afraid of what it might do to my bones and health.I have lupus along with scoliosis, mild DJD .I'm most afraid I will be this crazy hormonal mess and I am so sweet and nice to our daughter. I'm patient, kind ,loving will this change me by taking away the hormones that make me the Mom I am now?That is more scary then anything else to me.I know it might come back and I will always have this condition but i just do not want this surgery to change my soft feminine side.that is a picture of my girly girl Juliet.