The future and a rant, its one of those days

[xnanookx]

How do you pick yourself up and carry on when your dreams feel so unachievable? Yesterday I was so happy I was relieved to have answers, this morning it feels like it's a bad dream. How can I be this unlucky? Mother Nature is somewhat of a b!tch, she gave me all these hopes and dreams and then put all these obstacles in my path, I don't want to be the 31 yr old girl with a colostomy bag, since I was a little girl all I've ever wanted is to be a Mum, I feel like that's never gonna happen now. I'm fed up of feeling like I have to justify myself to other people, none of this is my choice, don't they think I want to be happy and healthy? I don't know when I'm gonna have kids or IF I'm ever gonna have them. This s**t is just too much sometimes, my mind is racing and I don't want to answer your silly questions about hysterectomy, ivf, or any other genius quick fixes you come up with, just ssshhh let me be my head hurts! I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel now, the goal posts have been moved and my world has started to crumble. I'm just feeling sorry for myself I'm so stiff and my groin is hurting so much I can barely stand, oooh stop the world and let me off for a bit this ride is too much for me I feel sick xx

[JeanOsborne]

Oh Hun I feel for you. Just want say we're here if you want us.

[xnanookx in reply to JeanOsborne]

Ahh Jean, thanks lovely, I really appreciate it xx

[ED34]

It's a bit weird reading your posts as it's like "copy, paste" of what I'm going through. I had a lap on Saturday confirming invasive rectal endometriosis. I need an anterior resection (removal of rectum) plus some other bits and bobs. I feel a complete idiot though. We've been trying for babies for 17 months now but it was only when my mother saw me in agony at Christmas that I decided to put the lack of conception and hideous periods together. I'm a frigging doctor. But like a lot of docs I tend to ignore my own health. Then I bled onto the floor at work last month, from back passage, and had 3 sleepless nights of pain, and finally got myself to GP. The one good thing was that I got the name of the right gynaecologist for rectal endo from a friend so I haven't got messed around. But if I'd not been so stoical/stupid it might not be so serious now. I'm angry that I have to go through this but also really angry at myself. I just hope I haven't screwed my chances of having kids. So rant away because I'm cheering you on .

Add to that I'm bloody bleeding (no pun intended) while prostap kicks in. Pff.

[xnanookx in reply to ED34]

hun, you are not alone, I've not had any big bleeds from my bottom...yet! i'm so scared of it happening because like you, I refuse to go to the dr/hospital, I remember about 8 yrs ago, I never had anything symptom wise at this point, I go to sleep feeling normal, well, and i woke up at about 4am with pain, my rectum felt like i'd sat onto a dagger and the entire blade was embedded into my bum hole and deep into my body, my stomach was cramping, my knees where in my throat, I dragged my self out of bed to the loo, I had no idea what was happening I just knew i'd crawled to the toilet dragging myself across the floor, so I manage to sit on the loo, not even aware if I needed to go or not it was just instinct, I took a deep breath and thought do i need a poo? and bare in mind my pain was 15 on 1-10 chart, I was sweating profusely, and as I got another big pain in my bum i thought oh my god i'm dying and i remember just sitting there the room spinning sweat stinging my eyes and my head felt like 10,000 elephants were marching between my ears, i dropped my head back trying to feel a breeze from the window and the next thing i knew peter was there picking me up and carrying me back to bed unconscious i was passed out in his arms as i came round he said he just heard a bang as I'd fainted off the loo and into the door, that night was a night like any other before it happened and at that point everything changed...I was the last to know i only found out i had endo a year ago when i lost my baby. Had I done what peter wanted that night things could have been so different for me.

we'll get through this together just you wait, keep the faith babe it's all we can do xx

[ED34]

There's no way of describing the pain but you've done a really good job. At best you feel like you're sat with a broom handle parked in you, spasming around it, and at worst you feel like your whole insides are going to explode out of you with searing hot pokers up there. The word tenesmus doesn't do it justice. And NOTHING makes it better. The uterine and back pain at least respond to some pain killers. It doesn't respond to anything. I just hope the operation sorts it out.

[xnanookx in reply to ED34]

I've noticed the pain evolves with your pain threshold as I've got new pains they are double the pain I've got accustomed to they just become a twinge but the pain from the spasms are 100 times worse than anything I've ever felt. The perfect description for me would be Satan with his pitchfork on fire coz he's angry and as you study the picture you see a tiny little thing moving on his horn the view zooms in on the figure and its me impaled on his horn. If I had to describe the pain that accompanies it I'd say it was pins and needles in my vagina a stab in the rectum and a general burning in the whole area, my legs don't work my arms hurt headache sore eyes and then the spasm engulfs your body your nervous system takes over and I physically try to climb the wall and out of my body the sciatic nerve hurts for days after.

When I've tried to explain to none sufferers they look at me in disbelief like I'm exaggerating I'm sure you see the same look in peoples eyes xx