Venting

[MeganMae]

Sometimes I have utter moments of desperation, soul crushing despair.

I cry for what I've lost due to this thing, I cry for things I haven't yet got but may never have. I cry for the child I haven't held and may never know.

I cry on my own so my partner and family don't see how truly devastated and sad I am, they all do so much for me and support me, so I spare them the hurt of seeing me utterly crushed.

But now I don't and can't cry anymore because I'm too angry.

Angry at the waiting and wondering.

I'm becoming so bitter, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I don't recognise myself anymore.

Sometimes I just think 'how the HELL am I going to do this for the rest of my life?'

How will my partner and I get through the next year of trying for a baby that might never happen?

How can I keep saying 'I'm fine' when people ask?

How can I keep pretending to be happy?

Then I stop, and I think no, no you can do this. You can fight this. You're strong enough to do this and make the most of your life.

We all are.

I admire everyone on here, you've all helped when I needed it, so thank you from the bottom of my heart xx

[ChloeR]

Hi Megan, Sorry to hear this! I know exactly what your going through. I went through a similar thing - I found out this year that I was undiagnosed and untreated for endrometrosis for 10years! because it had been so long I started to fear whether I could ever have children which drove me to dispair. I have since had a laparoscopy which confirmed that I did have endrometrosis which was successfully removed. It has helped to ease my worries slightly but I don't think I'll ever be content until I can get pregnant.

Have you had a laproscopy done? remember stress will only contribute to fertility problems (it took my friend 1year to get pregnant and she had no medical issues she was just merely stressed!). When you start trying don't think of it as 'trying for a baby' rather think of it as 'let's see what happens' otherwise your setting expectations which will add to your despair if you have a negative test. Remember it can take healthy couples atleast a few months before they can get pregnant. Sorry I couldn't be more help but your doing well.

[MeganMae in reply to ChloeR]

Hi Chloe thank you for replying!

I had my first lap in March, diagnosed Stage 3 going into Stage 4 and having my 2nd in December for excision and unsticking things.

We've said we wont do all the ovulation checks etc to put less pressure on me.

Thank you for helping! I hope everything goes well for you xx

[ChloeR in reply to MeganMae]

That's sounds quite positive then - is your next lab expected to be your last before you try for a baby? Where did they find the endrometrosis? unfortunately my healthcare team aren't the best and haven't told me much about my laproscopy other than they removed it all and they found it in my pelvis and bowels so I'm not sure what stage that is at? But as far as I'm aware I don't need more ops at the moment. I hope everything goes well!!

[Kez83]

Although I would never wish this on anyone it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

But you know you're right, if you think you're strong you are! People go through life having worse than us taken from them and fight on. We can do the same even if sometimes we just need time alone to grieve what we may miss and the battles ahead. Stay strong xx

[angelpie12]

Wow, those words are nearly identical to words I have written many times before in my diary. Totally get what you're saying. It's so hard to stay strong and keep going every day but I guess, what else can you do?? Take care xx

[ClaireK1987]

Hi Megan.

My heart breaks for you! I feel like I could have written this- we are in the same situation. It's so scary and isolating. Like you I don't want to burden my family/friends with it too much, but I also want them to recognise my situation and the pain I'm in and say 'I know you arent ok, what can I do'.

I've found attending an Endo UK support group very helpful to meet like minded people to talk to. Have you considered something like this?

Claire x

[Booboo08]

such a similar situation to us,but it's not your fault having endo and you can't do it alone. family and hubby are important . you need let someone in and think about your well-being. You could ask the gp for counseling and vent to her.

hugs xxxx

[Tanni]

Completely understand how you feel!!!

It's tiring putting on a brace face day in day out and by the time I get home I just want to cry!

I hope this next op helps and your able to start thinking about children! You've been through so much already and will be able to fight this! Xxx

[MeganMae in reply to Tanni]

Thank you xx