Sometimes I have utter moments of desperation, soul crushing despair.
I cry for what I've lost due to this thing, I cry for things I haven't yet got but may never have. I cry for the child I haven't held and may never know.
I cry on my own so my partner and family don't see how truly devastated and sad I am, they all do so much for me and support me, so I spare them the hurt of seeing me utterly crushed.
But now I don't and can't cry anymore because I'm too angry.
Angry at the waiting and wondering.
I'm becoming so bitter, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I don't recognise myself anymore.
Sometimes I just think 'how the HELL am I going to do this for the rest of my life?'
How will my partner and I get through the next year of trying for a baby that might never happen?
How can I keep saying 'I'm fine' when people ask?
How can I keep pretending to be happy?
Then I stop, and I think no, no you can do this. You can fight this. You're strong enough to do this and make the most of your life.
We all are.
I admire everyone on here, you've all helped when I needed it, so thank you from the bottom of my heart xx