Help!

Hey!

I'm looking for some support/help. Endometriosis has always affected my sex life. It's always hurt and I've never looked forward to it because of the pain and discomfort. My partner is the complete opposite and has a very high sex drive. Lately it's been getting to us massively! I try and please him as often as I can but it really depresses me as he says I'm not putting in the effort and every now and then we will have a big argument and he won't talk to me. I've told him so many times how it makes me feel and how it hurts and effects me but I will always try for him. Today we have had another argument and it has led me to have the biggest melt down in years. I've literally sat in my bath for 3 hours and haven't stopped crying. I've messages him saying I will try and get some help but he's pushing it off and making me feel worse saying we will just have to stop having sex. I love him to bits and I know he loves me. We have a baby on the way and I don't want to keep upsetting him because it makes me feel so useless and helpless because I'm a women and I'm meant to please him. We have tried other things besides sex but it never seems to be enough. I am really struggling and it's getting me so down. Sorry TMI

21 Replies

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  • Huge hugs. My dyspareunia is the same it's always been there and only ever gotten worse over time. I remember frequent rows like that XXX

    He should absolutely not be pushing you to have sex when your pregnant let alone with dyspareunia.

    I think it cost me my first marriage but he was not a nice person anyway. It caused a lot of problems in my second but I kept sharing medical articles explaining why and how and taking him to my consultant appointments. At some point the penny suddenly dropped with him just how severely ill I am and how physically impossible sex has been. Since then he has been much better we've had conversations about alternatives to penetration when he is in the mood and frustrated. And he talks about his fear of hurting me.

    The seriousness of my surgery and losing 4 cm2 of my vagina means no nooky for sometime yet as I now have such a mental barrier and can't even think about till I know I am fully healed. We talk about being able to again by Christmas.

    Just keep talking, sharing just how real the impact of this awful disease is. Thinking of you Xxx

  • Aw bless you I bet that's horrible 😞 I hope you feel better soon and hopefully feel better by Christmas. Thankyou for your support xxx

  • Any time X I so related to what you are going through. If it's any consolation, the surgery and an emergency readmission has unexpectedly brought us much closer together. We sit on the sofa together , are cuddling more and watching the back episodes of first dates rather on different sofas looking at our mobile devices separately. So good can come of all this.

  • I guess he can see what you actually go through and it's not just made up words. I think they need to physically see it for them to understand it more. It's so hard explaining something to them that they can't see or feel. I'm glad things are working out better for you x

  • Yes men are very hands on aren't they. There being a physical obstacle in the way (my sizeable nodule) helped him visualise the problem I think. Also one time the ( male) Endo specialist consultant showed pictures and spelt it out very clearly and showed deep respect for the level of pain and that helped towards the turning point too. He seemed to listen to the medical expert voice of authority.

    Good luck. x You will find a way to pull through XXX

  • Hi I am completely the same I'm not in a relationship now but the sex has affected my relationships in he past! I don't think men realise how hard it is for us, when we can't give them the sex it just makes us feel less of a woman! Have you thought about going to a sex therapist and someone who specialises in this and that way they can learn more about how it affects you and they teach you other ways that can help, other sex positions which might help a little and just different things you can try! It might be worth the try. I remember my mum was in the same position with my dad and she went and saw someone and she said it really helped, she gave them tips on what to do etc

  • Aw I'm sorry to hear that. I have been referred to sex therapy but she only works one day a week and I couldn't fit it around work but I will try again. I was having physio for down there too but because of the pregnancy she stopped it for now. I'm going to book a doctors appointment to see what they can refer me too and maybe help me feel a little better x

  • Honestly, I think that reducing your pregnant partner to tears over something you know is not her fault is pretty poor behaviour. You've got endo and you're pregnant. He should be bending over backwards to take care of you. Perhaps you should message him and point that out rather than apologising when you've done nothing wrong. I also find it pretty worrying that he's giving you the message that only vaginal sex is good enough when he knows it causes you pain, because I don't think that's a particularly caring attitude (sorry!) Maybe suggest that he gets some counselling to help him manage his sex drive?

    FWIW I have 2 kids and didn't have sex when pregnant, I can't think of anything worse, and I'm pretty sure that's normal. My OH coped just fine and he's not lacking in sex drive either.

  • I guess so I just don't want him to take it in the wrong way I guess

  • I don't want to overstep the mark here, but being in a position where you're frightened of his reaction is a sign of abuse, as are some of the other things you've put in your post. Do you have someone you can talk to, a relative etc, or somewhere you can go if you need to?

  • Yeah my family are supportive, there's no abuse or anything and I know he understands just sometimes it gets too much for both of us I guess which is something to work towards

  • Hey,

    My heart aches for you to be in that situation. There are many ways you can be close, you just got to work together to find what is right for you. Take things slow, find a position etc. If he can't do that for you he clearly doesn't understand. I am sorry be blunt but you shouldn't feel pressured into something if it is so painful.

    Do you see a couple/sex therapist? This may help.

    Many congratulations to you both on your pregnancy.

    Clumsy 🎀

  • Aw thankyou, I was referred to therapy but she only worked 1 day a weeks and we couldn't fit it in with work so I'm going to go back to the doctors to see if we can try again or someone else x

  • I'm sure there must be some private practices in your area which can more suit your needs. Although NHS might be a route to try first.

    I wish there was something we could all do to make you feel better but only you and your other half can work this out.

    I wish you all the best!

    Clumsy 🎀

  • Thankyou so much 😊

  • Hi

    I had the exact same thing and found sex was very painful too. I am married and it has caused us lots of issues as my husband had it in his head that I didn't want him anymore etc

    After my third operation sex stopped hurting as much and I found I wanted it more. Once I had decided that I actually was interested my drive came back.

    It's nothing like what it used to be but I work full time and am shattered so I don't think it would be crazy high anyway

    My point is alot of it was in my head but I was lucky that my husband did understand it was an illness that did improve after my endo was removed

    Hope you get sorted congratulations on the pregnancy

    Xx

  • Everyone else has given some pretty sound advice so I don't have anything to add on that front, but your comment on how you're a woman and you have to please him struck a chord. You're your own person and sex is very much a 2 (or how ever many!) person thing where both of you are taking part and very much responsible.

    It's not solely your job to please him, and, while I get where you're coming from bc I have the same issue, I can tell it's getting you down that you feel like you're letting him down.

    Outside of the sex issues you're still a person, and a person he fell in love with for whatever reasons and you're starting a family together, you have so much going for you outside of stuff going on in the bedroom and that's always something to remember! But it's your job to please him just as much as much as it's his to please you, and if for him that's just penetration then sounds like couples or sex therapy may be a good option! All the best with it, and congrats on the pregnancy! :) x

  • Thankyou so much 😊 x

  • Hey,

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It hurts for me to, but we tried out different positions and found ones that worked for both of us. There are some that are 100 percent out of the question. While I understand a few people are upset with your boyfriends behaviour we have still got to look at it from both sides and understand that he's probably confused and feels pretty rejected and his prides probably hurt. But equally that is not your fault. Talk to him and tell him you want to try new stuff to see if this changes his outlook, there is other options other than just full sex remember that's they both have the same/similar effect. Trying to make that to sound as pg as possible.

    Hope this helps xx

  • Thankyou, we did have a long chat this morning and both are feeling a little better x

  • Hello, have had similar issues to what you talk about and my husband and I still not able to have sex due to the pain. We've had psychotherapy as a couple which helped and I am seeing a specialist physiotherapist who is working wonders on the pain caused, I never knew that physios even worked in this area but she really is amazing! Both through the NHS so worth asking your GP if there are any female health physios in your area..

    All the best.

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