Expectations

So here I sit in my hospital bed, I've just drank my first sachet of Picolax and now I wait.....

I've been told my surgery should be in the morning, I'm the only person my consultant will be operating on so hopefully there won't be any delays. Upon admission the nurse said all yesterday's surgeries had to be cancelled because there was no beds so I am eternally grateful to be laying here this evening.

My last excision surgery was performed less that a year ago on Dec 22nd. As I lay here this eve I can't help but think of how different I felt only 11 months ago. Before my surgery last year I was completely incapacitated: I couldn't walk or stand for any length of time, Chris often had to carry me to and from the bathroom, I ate a concoction of slow and fast release analgesics, I visited A&E a couple of times a week. I remember looking forward to my surgery because I was going to be normal. I was going to be a new me. However I had the surgery and life was different, but I wasn't normal. I had pain again only a few weeks after my surgery; i wasn't pain free and normal. I remember the soul destroying and heart wrenching disappointment when the pain came back. I was devastated. I hadn't allowed pain to be a potential outcome, I had been completely over zealous and set my heart on an unrealistic outcome.

I hurt both physically and mentally for a long time, I mourned a life unknown...not lost. You see the thing is I've had endometriosis since I've been 13, I've never known pain free, normal to me isn't pain free. I wasn't pain free from my surgery but I was much better. So I started to readjust my expectations.

The hard cold fact is my body has been attacked by endometriosis for 13 years, that's 13 years of mass internal bleeding, that's 13 years of scarring, that's 13 years of adhesions, that's 13 years of muscles distorted to protect themselves from the pain. Plus 4 surgeries, 4 times my abdomen has been sliced and torn open, 4 times I've been poked and proded, 4 times my body had to knit itself closed and heal...and I had the damn cheek to ask my body to be pain free?! I was surprised when it wasn't?! Hell I'm lucky this body of mine manages to get itself out of bed some days and stay vertical!

Since my last surgery I have really learned the importance of expectations, aiming for what's achievable and celebrating the improvements - instead of wishing they'd be more significant. I have an incurable illness; sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's cruel but it is what it is and torturing myself over unachievable ambitions is a self punishment I could do without.

This evening I look back over the last few months with a smile, I had some lovely times. I've been on a few holidays that would have been impossible this time last year. I've had a job where I stood for 8 ,9, 10 hours (it may not be my dream job but I was able to do it). I have a car that I can actually drive regularly because I'm not on constant slow release mind muddling opioids (there have actually been days I haven't needed much pain relief). I have been able to get out to see my friends, I've drank wine with Chris, I've danced at weddings, I've had lots of laughs and made some beautiful memories. I have had a beautiful wonderful perfectly imperfect time.

It's important to reflect upon what you do have rather that what you don't. What you have gained rather than what you have lost. What opportunities lay ahead rather than what obstacles block your way.

Yes I am currently sweating from every orifice, yes I am currently pooping every other minute because of my wonderful bowel prep (this has taken much longer to write than it should have), yes tomorrow my body will undergo its 5th surgical assault but nevertheless I am smiling. I am excited to see what I gain because of tomorrow. I am excited for the opportunities my surgery will create. This time I have no doubt I will be in pain, I have no doubt that the aches will resurface, I have no doubt I'll have to work relentlessly until I'm exhausted rehabilitating my body; despite this I am happy, hopeful and excited - a new me will emerge tomorrow.

X

Originally posted to

facebook.com/theendodiary

2 Replies

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  • The very best of luck to you for tomorrow. I don't know you, but from what I've read you have suffered enormously and really do deserve to find your happy ending x

  • Good luck, you're an inspiration, you truly deserve a good outcome. X

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