Suicidal

I'm sorry if this sounds dramatic but I need some support. No one around me seems to understand and I've got to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I'm in pain every single day and neither laparoscopy, hormone injections, contraceptive have given me any relief! I'm 24 and I don't want to live like this the rest of my life. My doctors solution is to go on antidepressants, this isn't going to get rid of the pain! I'm so frustrated. I've recently come out of a 8 year relationship that fell apart because of this, I'm pushing everyone away! I couldn't feel more alone right now! X

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  • Georgia,

    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and going through so much so young. I can really empathise with how hard it is to be coping with so much pain and be feeling so isolated. But know this - you aren't alone there are a lot of women going through the same and feeling the same frustrations. The people around you - your family and friends just because they don't necessarily understand completely, doesn't mean they don't care so reach out to them and tell them what this is putting you through - all of it.

    It's natural that something like endo will have an impact on your relationships. Try not to focus on it right now, I know it's very hard but all the stress will be making your pain worse. There are a lot of natural things you can do to try and take control of your endo. Check out this website for info on the endo diet and acupuncture etc. endo-resolved.com/

    If you aren't being seen at an endo specialist centre go to your gp and ask for a referral bsge.org.uk/ec-BSGE-accredi...

    Most of all right now you need to REST as much as possible, you can manage this disease but you need to take care of yourself. Stop beating yourself up for things you can't do and start patting yourself on the back for things you have achieved no matter how small.

    If you aren't up for antidepressants ask your gp if they can refer you for counselling or cbt, just something that will get you through this and give you the proper support that you need right now, be honest re. everything going on.

    In the meantime if you need a chat you can phone the endo helpline or the samaritans at any time to give you an ear to vent out everything.

    samaritans.org/

    You will get through this, you just need the tools to help you fight it.

    Hope you feel better x

  • Fantastic advice from apple bird. As mentioned you aren't on your own, you need to discuss this with either friends family or a professional. I know that dealing with medical staff feels like banging your head against a brick wall. The pain can be unbearable but it is possible to find a way forward and lead a relatively normal life it's just finding what works for you. It's worth considering the anti depressants I did take them for a period of time when I was at my lowest. Please seek help and come back here if you need to talk to others who know how you feel and what you are going through. Take care of yourself. x

  • Please don't give up. I am so sorry to hear your are in pain all the time. Please be patient and try eating all organic foods, detox your liver, meditate, acupuncture, relax with breathing technique, etc etc. Is there a endo surgery specialist in your area? It makes a big difference with your pain depending on the skills of a surgeon. Can you claim disability so you don't have to work? It's not fair that you have to suffer alone. Please don't give up. Please !!!

  • You will one day be a wiser, stronger woman for all this. You just have to push on through this terrible patch and remember nothing stays the same forever. You need the right treatment. Keep talking on here, it's an amazing place for support from women who truly understand xxx

  • I am so sorry you feel so alone. I understand exactly how you feel as I have felt the exact same at times. No one can begin to understand how you feel unless they are going through the same thing. Family and friends tend to think that it's something you should be able to cope with. Can I suggest that you link yourself up with a group that is wonderful not that this one isn't but it has volunteers online day and night to help support our girls with endometroisis. It can be accessed through Facebook, it's a closed group only for Endo sufferers. It's called Endometroisis crisis support group. It has girls from all over the world on it. We are all one big family of sisters on if. Good luck sis.

    Stay strong, remember you're true warrior in every way.

    Lots of love & big hugs to you.

    💛💛💛💛💛

  • We all know it is teally hard to live with pain, misunderstandings of family and friends, because it isnt something eaily explained how you feel and what you feel.

    I did CBT therapy which helped me with my negative thoughts and feelings. You can contact them directly and dont have to go to gp first.

    As well for me personally yoga and breathing exercises do help. I am still not painfree, buti feel calmer and happy that i did some sort of exercise even if it is gentle.

    Look after yourself. You are not alone!

  • I hear you, and you're not alone - I work as a counsellor, and endo did awful things to my mental health. It's so hard being in pain all the time, not to mention the other symptoms. I agree with everyone else, you shouldn't have to cope with this alone, please ask a doctor about getting mental health support like counselling. If you're really desperate, the Samaritans run drop in centres in some towns and cities as well. Living with a chronic illness is really f-ing hard, but it doesn't have to be quite this awful x

  • I am also 24 and the same situation as yourself nothing has worked, iv had operations which I feel were pointless and now I think the doctor just hasn't got a clue what to do. If you don't have endo it's hard for others to see the effects it has.

    I was fortunate that my partner researched endo himself to understand it but I do see he gets frustrated at times, I think it's more that people don't want to see you suffer than people don't care.

    This is a horrible thing to have let alone when your young and life is just starting. Remember your not alone you have this group and perhaps rather than anti depressants you ask if there's someone you can talk to? Might help release the stress.

    My gp is a family planning and endo specialist an is brilliant, prahaps ask your surgery if you have someone like this?

    I hope things get easier for you, it's a feeling we wouldn't wish upon our enemies.

    Keep strong and don't give up xx

  • Hey,

    I've felt the same. My boyfriend left me, I lost all of my friends and I've pushed everyone away. I wanted to not be around. Losing all of the stress in my life helped my health although, I'm still sick and I've dropped 2 dress sizes. It's been hard but, I'm getting by. I still having bad thoughts but, if you need anyone. I'm always here

  • Hello,

    Its nice to see the support on here and that everyone with this terrible endo looks out for each other. I totally understand where you are coming from im your age and i have pain on a day to day basis and i know how you feel its tiring hard and makes you feel absolutely useless, my family dont understand the illness at all and its hard to even get anyone who aint lived it to understand. I have had my low low days where i think i dont want to live the rest of my life like this quite often actually even more so since i knew my infertility is very bad and il never have children naturally. I have endometriosis, pcos and adenomyosis. I also understand when you say the antidepressants wont change the illness your right they wont but they could help you if you are feeling at your lowest and don't feel strong enough to push yourself. Think about all the good things in your life when you feel down like this , not all the negative right now the bad is probably outweighing all the good but we cant change what is happening to us and although its very terrible giving up aint the answer. I still feel exactly the same as you feel but this illness has taken so much from me already and i wont let it take me aswel! im not saying i dont feel like it i do more than it might seem but right now im still holding out for a change.. Living with the pain everyday is a lot different to once a month although no one should have to have any sort of this pain, everyday it gets tiring until it feels like your not living just breathing. Take baby steps.... no one knows what is going to happen.

    I seen this wrote once and it made me think " Your stronger than you seem, Braver than you believe and smarter than you think you are"

    So be smart pull yourself out of these suicidal thoughts with your strength because you got it and if you feel you dont lean on the people in this forum, we understand!

    If you ever want to speak anytime im a good listener just inbox me.

    I wish i had answers for you but i dont im in the same situation.

    Im sorry x

  • I have morphine it dont work for me makes me feel high it worked at first but it stopped working but it might work for you might be worth a try or get some different pain meds? Have you heard of castor oil packs some people swear by them that it helps, Hot water bottles, heated blankets work for me miracles try to eat healthy if you cant do the gluten free diet just try and eat healthier than your doing no, ask to go to a pain clinic? acupuncture, acpressure, meditation, self hynosis, aromatherapy, massage, treat to yourself to things you like and get hobbies to pre occupy yourself a little, tens machine might help for you. Theres so many things to try things that dont work for all but might for some.

    Just keep trying if nothing works just keep looking until you find something to help you even if its a bit.

  • I know others have already said a lot of this, but I can't see your post and just keep moving.

    You're not alone. I know it feels that way, and that your bad days outweigh your good... But first and foremost - you are not alone.

    I am also a counsellor, and a 24/7 sufferer. I struggle with being able to keep my head above water and out of the fog of depression on a regular basis as well. I have about 4 specialists on the go at the moment and often feel like there are never answers, only more questions.

    When it comes to anti depressants... Many of us- strong, capable, independent women... Do not want to 'admit defeat' (as we see it). We see anti depressants as something weaker people need, people who are broken mentally, less strong... But the reality is that they give you a break, and are another type of ammunition in your arsenal... And possibly most importantly, they are likely going to be very temporary for you.

    If you broke your ankle... And you were doing everything else right... You'd still need crutches in order to get around more easily until you were healed, right? This is like that...

    One Thing that I do for myself that might sound a bit silly, is colouring. Whether it is a Disney princess book, a mandala, or one of those new fangled adult colouring books.. The act of turning everything off and just chilling for some 'you time' in such a simple activity... Really helps to calm your brain, body and soul...

    I'm going to drop you a message to your in box as well so you have my contract info in case you need to talk.

  • Please don't give up!! I'm 22 and have had 2 surgeries, about to start my 2nd round of lupron shots, on an inflammation diet and many meds, and still live in pain every day. It's a terrible disease we have, but we can make it!!

    As far as your doctor, I would highly recommend going to see a psychiatrist to get on anti depression meds because it WILL help you, as crazy as it sounds... stress makes symptoms worse and although you may not seem like you're stressed you most probably are. And then talking to a therapist once a week has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I hope my answer helps. If you need to email me or whatever please don't hesitate as I'm here to talk!! Kara.kimble14@yahoo.com

  • Hello,

    I felt the same before i was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had excuciating pain, and all i wanted was a hysterectomy, everything but this pain.

    my gp said, because i'm a woman, this is something you should be able to live with.

    Finally i was operated and had to take Lynestrenol (Orgametril is the brandname in the Netherlands) for a year as I recall. After that I could alternate the lynestrenol with Yasmin. (initially 2 months orgametril and 1 month yasmin), without a stopweek.

    I must say, it's been more than 10 years ago, but i haven't been in that pain anymore.

    Almost painfree. The lynestrenol dries out the endo, my gynaecologist explained.

  • aw sweetie i am so sorry to hear your feeling this down. as already said you are not alone. i really wish i had a magic wand to cure all the women suffering.

    i hope you find suitable help for your mental health that is most important i am suffering also with servere depression and anxiety, i wish you luck, send healing and love to you xx

  • Thank you everyone for all your support! Sometimes I just feel very alone and like the only person who is going through this. I know I'm not and really appreciate all your advice.. I know a few people who have this awful disease and have said to me keep going have the surgery and the pain will ease I think I held on to this thought and because I have had no relief I feel like there isn't anymore they can do for me. I've been referred to pain management it's just hard hearing u need to learn to manage the pain when I really just want someone to take it away! I know that's a lot to ask as it's not that simple :( the pressure in my abdomen is just unbearable and the future scares me I don't know if il struggle to have children as I haven't tried yet but I'm not even sure il be able to carry a baby the pain is so bad all the time I can only imagine that will put more pressure on it. Everyone around me is starting their life and I feel so lost, I really don't want to give up working but I don't no how much longer I can sit at work with a hot water bottle and my chair pushed back, it's embarrassing! :( xx

  • Hi Georgia!

    You aren't on your own lots of other women suffer from the nasty illness there's a fantastic Facebook page called endo girls uk. It's a brilliant support group. I haven't read the other comments but I went on anti depressants and they do work they relax your nerves causing less pain.

    Give them a try it must be better than suffering in silence.

    Tasha

  • Hi - I'm so sorry you are in the place you are. You will feel hopeless and helpless but on looking through some of your posts it sounds clear you are not being treated properly. Where are you in the UK?

  • I live in Essex, I think London would be my nearest endo specialist centre I have asked for a referral but my gp doesn't seem to know what he is doing he thinks it's all in my head xx

  • Hi - for the benefit of others you had a lap 8 months or so ago and they found and lazered endo from your pouch of douglas and your uterosacral ligaments. This is rectovaginal endo and endo on the ligaments can cause severe pain in the lower back and anywhere to the legs. It will usually be left sided but not necessarily. Surface ablation and hormone medications are not appropriate treatments for this as there will usually be deep nodules of endo hidden beneath dense adhesions that are not visible at a lap and need the skill of a highly trained excision surgeon to deal with. Wherever a woman in in the UK with rectovaginal endo the specification of the RCOG (Royal College of Gynaecologists) requires referral to a specialist centre where surgeons have undergone at least 2 years' intensive training in advanced excision techniques and general gynaecologists must not touch this form of endo. Your gynaecologist took biopsies and claimed they were negative but these will have been of adhesions not the deep endo.

    In England we have a contract laid down confirming this and any general gynaecologist attempting to treat this and failing to refer a patient on will be in breach of contract and should be reported to the RCOG. This is the contract applying to England:

    england.nhs.uk/wp-content/u...

    And this is the training specification required (first page and pages 27-30):

    england.nhs.uk/wp-content/u...

    Georgia, can you click on my name and look at my post of rectovaginal endo and send me a private message so we can get you to a specialist. Will be back tonight. x

  • I feel your pain. It's very hard to cope with something when everyone says negative things that make you think you are crazy. I was the same way. I got to the point where when people would ask I would just tell them it was better. I didn't have to deal with their judgemental looks and opinions. You know your pain. Don't let anyone make you feel bad because you have pains they can't comprehend. Keep your head high and know that there are answers to your problems, sometimes it just takes time to find them. Be brave!

  • Hey Georgia,

    Hope you're feeling a bit better, thinking of you x

    Please don't worry about carrying a baby right now when you've so much on your shoulders.

    For future reference, endometrial tissue is stimulated to grow and proliferate by estrogen. During pregnancy the hormone progesterone is dominant, thus a lot of women who have endometriosis experience a significant reduction in symptoms during pregnancy because the hormone balance is different. Also bear in mind you would have a lot of medical support as women with severe endometriosis are given more attention and care, plus you will by that point have a lovely supportive partner with you so all of that makes anything easier to deal with!

    You are starting your life now too, nobody can take that away from you, you're just having a more challenging start than some others. I don't know a single 24 year old who hasn't felt lost, remember what people tell you and what you see on the surface isn't always the truth of how they're feeling or what's going on in their lives.

    Turn the negatives into positives and think of it as personal development. I.e. You're suffering from a horrible disease, but you're developing coping mechanisms and problem solving abilities, empathy and a determination to win through! I know all of that isn't much consolation when you're sitting in work with your hot water bottle feeling sore and probably quite vulnerable, but you are becoming stronger through this.

    If things are difficult at work you could perhaps look at adjusting your hours or see if there is a way of facilitating activities to make things easier on you physically. I know how it feels whenever you feel like everyone is 'aware' of your health problems (I.e. Sitting with the hot water bottle etc.) - the reality is people are quite self absorbed beings and though they may notice something on the first day, beyond that it just becomes every day to them and they won't notice so just get on with what you need to do for you and stuff anyone else if they have an issue with it.

    Lindle is right you need the correct type of surgery in order to get some relief of symptoms. I really hope you get things sorted there and look into empowering yourself with things you can do in the day to day.

    You have a lot of people sending you good vibes, so grab hold of that and use it to get you through xx

  • I know everyone had said all that can be said but I couldn't not comment.

    Life is really really shit living with this. I've had a really bad year in pain and my eyes are filling up just writing this. It's hard living like this and mentally it's even harder.

    Have you tried gabapentin? Or something similar. I tried it for a while and it worked wonders for the pain. It effected my memory so I had to come off it but apart from that it worked well for me. It is also used as an anti depressant so may work well for you if you do have a bit of depression on top of the endo hell. It helps even out the chemicals in your brain that causes depression and numbs the pain indicators in your brain. So my dr told me. It helped a lot with the pressure feeling too.

    You sound like your overwhelmed by everything. Try to break everything down that you are dealing with right now and focus on one at a time. Babies, relationships, future jobs etc. that can wait, your still so young.

    It will get better and you are already a very strong lady!!

    Take care

    Sam

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