Devastated, advice needed!

Hi, so I wrote on here couple of days ago after my op and explained how my bf told me not only a hour after my op that be not want to do fertility treatment even tho the surgeon had told me that that's my only option! I have continued on n waited for him to go to his app for his tests in hope that he would do them but he didn't!! I also took advice from you guys n asked him if he wanted children cos not seem that way n he said same as always( I not be with you if I didn't) but his word don't match that of his actions!! We split once due to him not wanting them but he said he has changed but I don't what to think anymore.

This is ripping me to shreds, going thru all I have with recurrent miscarriages( which I felt he wasn't there for n more relieved), then pid which caused so much damage as not found in time, now I got pcos n endometriosis n can't conceive naturally! I thought that after op we be ok but things got worse!!

I don't know what to do anymore,I feel out of my depth n struggling with life and oh I just don't know!! Still recovering with op with no support from him not helping.

What would u do ladies?? Xx

9 Replies

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  • I think you need to take some time for yourself and think about what you want now and in a few years time. Maybe you should call on a few friends and when you're feeling up to it arrange a nice massage or pedicure, pamper yourself a bit and then start making some decisions. No one can tell you whether you should be with this guy or not, you will have to make the call on whether this relationship will give you what you want. Good luck and I hope you have a speedy recovery x

  • Sadly I know how you feel. I too want children now and have both stage 4 endo and now possible pcos. Whilst my boyfriend obviously wants to slow things down. Like you I've had countless arguments over this with my boyfriend. From me having to wait for what I want to him telling all of his mates that I want a child now and that my fertile turtle doesn't work like everyone else's. I know how you feel. It's horrible. You're torn between having what you want (a baby) verses what you already have (an undecided partner). The only difference between our stories is that I want to try naturally before I even consider IVF whilst my boyfriend doesn't really care about the fact I'll have to go through all of that otherwise.

    Honestly the best thing for you to do is work out what you want. I went on anti-depressants for a while just to work my head out without feeling broken. But personally I wouldn't make it like boyfriend or baby kind of choice because you deserve both.

    I feel like I've rambled on now so I hope it makes you feel a tiny bit better knowing that you're not alone. Xxxx

  • Firstly I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time, however I can honestly say that if he is not being supportive of you now, he will be worse if/when a child comes along. Children do not make relationships easier! You need time for you right now and perhaps he isn't the person you need around. I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't seem all that nice. Take care and do what you feel is right for you,with everything going on you could do without trying to guess what your partner wants/means x

  • Hi there, I am sorry you feel so distressed by all this. I think the main thing to decide is do you two really love each other. I don't believe love is bending over backwards for the other persons wishes, it is being able to be yourself, honour yourself and live with yourself. I am lucky to have 2 gorgeous boys, but, I spend more than half of my life thinking I am not good enough and that they would be better off without me. I can't do the things I want to with them. Every outing we have is a major ordeal because I need to be near a loo. The hormone treatments always give me anxiety attacks and I am constantly tired. Can you honestly say you love this man enough to just be with him or are you just wanting children, can you give the child what he/she needs. Being a Mum with Endo is a demanding and challenging task. I wish my boys didn't have to know what Endo is, I wish they didn't have to see me curled up in a ball in the bed squeezing in pain, I wish so much more for them. I hope that they can find the love that I have without having to watch their wives being eaten from the inside out by this awful disease and that some day I can be the Mum they need. I wish you luck and happiness with your decision as only you know what your heart and soul truly need.

  • The way I see it is:

    If I were to try to have a baby with my long term partner, I would want that person to be understanding and supportive of my fertility situation. If the man isn't supportive then I would not want to go through IVF with him - even if he agreed to do it. It's tough. I believe both parties should be on the same page regarding it.

    The thing is, your biological clock is ticking and his isn't - so he doesn't feel the pressure and desperation we feel. That doesn't make him wrong (just different), but maybe he is not the right person for you to have children with? Of course that's only something you can decide.

    Side note: There are options to have children without a partner. They can be done with IVF - donor sperm, co-parenting etc.

  • Maybe all the trauma you have already gone through has affected him more than even he knows? But also sounds like you are being led up the garden path. The only way to work it out is to have a very long and honest talk about what you both want. To me, a relationship where you both want different things isn't going to make the rest of your life happy. Yes, you can compromise on a lot of things but children, it's either yes or no, there is no in between. I would rather spend my life with someone who's ideal is having me as the mother of his children. I see so many friends and I shall include myself, waste so much of our lives where we could be happier, waiting for a lazy, thoughtless partner to make decisions with us, and we are bending over backwards for them. You have two choices to work out together, talk and make a decision about what's going to happen, or move on and find someone who won't waste your time. I wish you luck and hope it all works out for you. X

  • I think u need to give yourself tine to recover from the op & all the physical & emotional stuff that brings !

    I also think you maybe need to consider your not with the right person who dosnt share your goals , wants & needs in life !

    Ive been in relationships like yours & all you will get is pain & frusration. I now with my Fiance who as soon as we got together said ... I know what you are missing ... A baby !!! So lets start trying now !!!! We have been together 6 wonderful ywars & trying for a baby for all that time with no sucess but it makes alll the difference that ge wants what i want !!!

    You need that too !!!!

    I hope this helps & your healing well !

    Things can be sorted out & your life can be happy !!!

  • Hi I left a comment on your last post and you asked me then what I would do in your shoes. I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say, sorry! After reading some of the feedback you have already received you have already been given some sound advice. I agree you should wait until your body heals, and emotions are not so heightened. I feel you need to be as calm as can be when talking to your partner to get the truth whether you are going to like his decision or not. Have you thought about or been offered counselling. This maybe be a good option to get all your feelings and frustration out and will help you see things more clearly. I was 28 also when I was diagnosed with stage 4 Endo and told I would need help conceiving. As I said took the IVF rout, and it was tough. You think that it will answer all your problems. Unfortunately the first try didn't work for me, then I fell pregnant naturally but sadly lost that baby. Second IVF didn't work either, by the 3rd trial it was me that had had enough and decided no more. My husband was devastated and it very nearly broke us. Luckily as I said 3rd time and had twin boy's when I was 33 years old. However we didn't emerge the emotional rollercoaster without damages. We are still together, if it hadn't worked who knows???? All I do know is you have a long journey ahead, you have to be kind to yourself and do what is best for you. Take care x

  • Thank you,I have spoken to my bf n explained everything,even if it took me being a crying mess but he did say he not know things were as bad as they have been, we have agreed to try work thru things n he has agreed to fertility treatment but not till January as he feels we not ready for the pressure it will bring! I really do appreciate all the advice n support been given, he hard to believe the damage pcos n endometriosis has done to our relationship n life's!! I do hope we can get thru this but I guess only time will tell!!

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