Cheating on and 8mths pregnant: Hi all, I’m... - Endometriosis UK

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Cheating on and 8mths pregnant

Starlet28
Starlet28

Hi all, I’m 8mths pregnant and just found out my partner of 9years is cheating on me!!!!

Well I say cheating I’ve found provocative pics that girls has sent him although his not sent any back I still see that as cheating?? I’ve also found out his on 2 dating websites which looks like people only use for sex. This is where I found the pictures/messages he had been sent but also messages where he was asking girls to meet up with him. We already have a child who’s 2 and now I’m expecting another baby anytime soon.

I just don’t know what to do?? His cheated on me once when we first got together but I forgave him and tried to move on although I never did trust him after that hence reason for me going through his phone. I know I should walk away but it’s really hard as I don’t want my children to be from a broken home but I can’t carry on like this. His a good dad most of the time but can’t b bothered the rest of the time. Even tho I’m 8mths pregnant he doesn’t do much to help me around the house and moans when he comes in from wrk if I’ve not washed up etc!! I don’t know if that’s a man thing as he doesn’t realise looking after a 2yr old and being so heavily preggers I can’t do much. I’m 36 yrs old and the thought of having to start again is so daunting to me but I know he has to go. His also 36 but carry’s on like his 18 it’s embarrassing sometimes.

I’m running/paying for everything in the house he works but hardly gives me any money may buy the odd loaf or milk here n there but that’s it. He has kids from a past relationship that he sees but again if we do things then I’m the one paying and sorting things out to do.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here maybe reassurance Or someone that’s been in my position ?? Thanks for your advice in advance xx

28 Replies
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Sorry your going through this. I've not been in your position. But I've been the kid in this situation although I was older.

I know no one goes into having children with someone and expecting to to end with separation etc. And that's not something you want. But I don't think you should see it as being a broken home.

2 adults who aren't right for each other can still wonderfully coparent/parent their children even if they aren't together. Because they can get on as adult ans discuss the children and how to raise them without the issues in the romantic relationship getting in the way. It's not a broken home so long as they feel loved and supported.

Likewise parents who 'stay together for the kids' can, in cases, not coparent well. Because the issues in the relationship are always present and bubbling away, and kids can and will pick up on it. Some kids then unfortunately then go on to think that it is a healthy relationship, because it's 'normal' to them.

If it wasn't for the kids. Would you stay with him given his behaviour, dating apps, not helping, him not paying into the family home/life etc?

If the answer is no then personally I wouldn't stay. I say stay I mean, you pay for the house etc. So it's more you stay he gets kicked out.

Starlet28
Starlet28 in reply to Christin_a

Hi thank you so much for your response.

I’m kinda doing everything now so being a single parent doesn’t really bother me to much it’s just I’ve seen what his other children have been through and what they are still going through.

I think also it’s like them having 2 Christmases 2 birthday parties etc as at the moment I really can’t stand him knowing what he has done and can/will put my kids through.

If children weren’t involved then I wouldn’t stay but the whole dating and starting again is really daunting for me but I’m not getting any younger and I need to do something now. My pregnancy has not been a nice one with all this going on it’s stressful and I worry for my kids future but staying together for the kids is never going to work and I get that now. I do everything fir him and his kids and I just feel like his taken the piss out of me and don’t know if I can trust anyone again. I know what needs to be done just very hard putting it into action. I don’t know what I’m afraid of?? Being a single mother is fine as I’m doing it alone now. Being on my own?? Well I may aswell b as again I get nothing from him. Maybe he wants to leave and is feeling the same as me ?? Just don’t know how to approach the situation xx

I don’t have advice as such, but my male friend is going through the exact same just 6 months into a marriage breakup. They have a 10 month old and 3 year old. It’s tough, she has already moved on and is dating someone (she is 40). Setting up schedules to see the kids etc can be difficult if everyone doesn’t agree.

But, when he was in the relationship his self esteem was on the floor, they argued every day, they resented each other. The 3 yr old would constantly try to get him to say daddy loves mummy because he just knew something wasn’t right.

Now, the kids have adjusted and parents are starting their own lives. Everyone’s journey is different through a breakup and I would have a look on forums, the website relate etc to start to get a sense of what it could be like to be a single mum, and how you would like the road ahead to be.

I wish you well xx

Have you got family close by that you can talk to and get some support. Once you’ve made a decision it’s working out how to fulfil it.

I don’t have children, but do understand what you are feeling.

Hope you manage to get this sorted very soon.

you will be better off without but I think you already know that .forget broken homes a lot of kids live separate nowadays and it’s a happier environment x

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are already a single parent in most ways but with the extra baggage of having to look after a man child. I agree with you that seeking women out like that is cheating. It would be a hard boundary for me. I also know from my professional and personal experiences that children are much much happier with one happy parent than two unhappy ones. I know the timing is terrible and I can't imagine how difficult it is but you do have options and choices. You deserve to be treated like a queen, especially in the later stages of pregnancy. You deserve so so so much more than this. He doesn't deserve your loyalty. He has broken so many levels of trust. If you have to go through his phone, the trust is obviously long gone and understandably so.

If you do want to stay I would be asking myself if you can definitely move past it. If you think you can regain the trust and if you think you will be happy in the long term. I would also seek couples counselling. If he refuses that says a lot about him and how much he is willing to put in to save the marriage.

A broken home in my eyes isn't defined by two parents living separately. It can broken living together because of all the tension, anxiety and worry. You sound like a strong woman and a great mother and I just want you to know that you deserve so much more than what you are receiving right now.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

He sounds like he doesn't deserve you. How dare he. You're at the most vulnerable times of your life where you deelserve support and respect and he is putting his needs before yours in every way possible.

You are worth more, even if you don't think so at the moment.

You have one life, ONE life.

Ask him to leave for some 'space'.... Then get on with your life.

Kids will adapt and they do. As they grow up they'd rather a happy mummy who can focus on them than a mummy exhausted by a selfish man

Focus on daily tasks, not the what iffs of starting again

Good luck xx

He sounds horrible and selfish and unworthy to me. I’m very blunt. And make no apologies for it after reading your message.

There are three solutions to every problem:

Accept it.

Change it.

Leave it.

If you can’t accept it, change it.

If you can’t change it, leave it.

Some women think holding on is strong. Letting go makes you stronger.

Value your own self worth, the love you have for your children and move on.

X

I’m so sorry to hear this and my partner cheated on me when our daughter was less than a year and it carried on until she was 5 when I finally had the strength to walk away. It make me miserable and now I can’t really fully trust someone. For me, just from your brief description of him, he doesn’t sound like a great guy. He need to grow up and take responsibility. I’m 48 now and looking back to 38 when I become single. It’s not age, you need to be happy and you’ll soon have two more wonderful children. I would confront him but not sure of best timing and also explain to him what will need to change should you stay together. He needs to man up, get off the dating sites and become a great partner and husband. Personally I’d refuse to pay for him and his children. For me warning bells are ringing. I wish I’d left when my child was born, but I didn’t have the means at that time. I struggled and would have been better on my own. Wish you the best of luck and you deserve to be happy whatever you choose xxx

Hi

I am sorry to learn you have been through this.

I don’t have children but I have been through a relationship similar to yours.

I found my ex on websites like that speaking and arranging to meet up with other women he tried to deny it but the postcodes they had given him where all in his recent searches in google maps!

He done to this me for over 5 years! And would try and worm his way out of it by saying he hadn’t been with anybody etc it’s just messages..

in the end I finished with him and it was a difficult few months but after that I regained so much confidence and to this day I cannot believe I allowed somebody to treat me that way and make me feel like I wasn’t enough wen in fact I was too good for him!!

Don’t believe his lies when he tells you it is “only” messaging.

The intent is there.

How would he like you doing that with another man online?

It lowers ur confidence ur self esteem and u are worth so much more than that.

It seems like u are very independent and don’t need him for much anyway so I would say walk away.

I know u have children which will make things much harder and I know it is easier said than done but from my experience men like this do not change.

He is showing you the type of person he is, remember actions speak louder than words and from his actions he is untrustworthy, sneaky and sly and seems to be lazy expecting you to do everything.

I hope ur ok. It is such a horrible thing to go through but it does get better. There’s so much more to life than being in a relationship where ur not happy and paranoid all the time. Focus on your and ur children and you will get through this feeling so much stronger and happier once you do.

Message me if u need any help xx

Im sorry you're going through all this, how stressful!

As someone who grew up in a household with just my Mum- trust me, a 'broken home' is a much better option for your children then living in a home where the parents are tense, fighting, and not trusting each other. I would much rather my kids learned how to live independently and see a mum being very happy by herself then have my kids only see relationships built on distrust.

You have to make your own decision, but don't let worries about your kids cloud your needs- they will be okay, in fact they will be happiest as long as you are your happiest- so do what is right for you.

Good luck with everything <3

He should face up to his responsibilities.Maybe he is not happy being at home.Or he needs a size 11 shoe 👠 up his backside.

Hi Starlet 28. Your situation sounds very much like mine around 20 years ago and I can still remember how traumatic it was. After tearing myself apart for almost two years trying to make it work, I ended it. I had no job, a toddler and felt like a complete failure. My ex, who behaved like the injured party (despite the fact that he'd been having an affair since our son was a baby), paid no child support. It was a very stressful period in my life but, looking back, it was the best decision I ever made. I was able to rebuild my life, find a new career and get back my self-esteem, while my son benefitted from having a mother who could focus on his needs, rather than trying to satisfy those of the selfish man-baby who fathered him. My only regret is that I didn't show him the door sooner.

Wishing you luck, happiness and serenity.

I don't usually reply to much on here, but had to for this!

This sounds absolutely horrible! What an awful thing for someone to do, especially where you are carrying THEIR child.

Personally, I'd tell him to leave. My parents split up finally when I was 11, after years and years of arguing. I'd have preferred it if they split up when I was young and we saw each parent separately. Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't always the best thing (in my opinion anyways).

Just know that this is not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated this way! There are plenty of decent men out there, sadly the one you're with sounds weak and cowardly.

Really hope you're OK ❤️

So sorry this is happening to you, but you need to be in a place where you are calm and happy. I don’t think being with this guy is gonna give you that, I know that’s hard to hear and will be hard to start all over again. But if he had been doing this already and now he is doing it with a child on the way ,he is never going to stop is he?

Is there somewhere you can go for now? Or get him to leave would be better. It will take time for you to heal but you will find in time that your life is so much better without him in it.

You need to look after you and baby now, not worry about what he is doing and where he is.

He sounds like a child and doesn’t sound like he has any intention of changing , not even for his newborn baby.

Here if you ever need to talk , I am here lots of us are here. But don’t put yourself though this you are not alone . Be happy and look out for you and your baby you are more important x

That's "not a man thing". Decent people contribute to the household, decent people care for their children, decent people care for their partner. Don't excuse shit behaviour just because it's coming from a man. He's a piece of shit and you deserve better, so do your children. The home is already broken. It'll be hard, but you should leave him ASAP. You already do everything by yourself anyway, so I have no doubt you can do it without him and you'll be better for it.

You might think you are too old to start again, but believe me you aren't old in your 30s. Dating sites aren't really acceptable for him to be on, are they. His criticism of you is a tactic, a way of distracting attention from his behaviour and trying to decrease your self esteem, to control you. You are young still.

Starlet,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Sadly, it sounds like your partner has a very different idea of what is acceptable behaviour than you do, within the context of your relationship. The fact that he seems to be hiding what he has been up to suggests he knows this and figures if you don't know it doesn't matter. Dishonesty, of any sort, rarely leads to anything that doesn't involve hurt.

At the end of the day, only you can decide what you can accept in your relationship. And you need to decide what this is and then try to discuss it with your partner as calmly as you can manage. If you are not able to agree on the type of relationship you will have with one another, whether that includes others or not, it is something you need to accept or move on.

Staying with someone who has a different set of values or who wants a different type of relationship than you are happy to accept is likely to only lead to more pain and heartache.

Viewing a relationship from the outside and being in it are very different to one another and only you know what will and won't make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

If you choose to split, this doesn't mean you need to stop your children from having their father in their life. It also doesn't mean that you don't deserve to move on and find someone else who does share your views on what a relationship means to you.

Either way, you have a lot of thinking and some hard decisions ahead of you. Just be sure you make those decisions for you, not anyone else, for it is you who knows what you need and who lives with the decisions you make. Also, realise that you have the right to change your mind.

Good luck. I hope you find joy regardless of what you decide.

I’m sorry for you. I have not gone through it. But my mom did go through something very very similar. All I can give you is my view as a daughter.

My mom opted to endure because she wanted us to have a father since she didn’t have a present father.

As a daughter I felt that my mom would’ve been better off without my father. He didn’t do much for us beside playing with us. And just brought a lot of stress to my mother. Growing up I did not have a good relationship with my father and judged him for not helping out at home and with expenses etc. This is only my view since my siblings didn’t always care that much.

Either way, staying in the relationship or not will have it’s one challenges and will impact your children.

Hope it helps,

Good luck luv

As a daughter

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I couldn’t conceive sadly but instead I’ve been blessed with an amazing husband. That being said you should not be treated like that and you should not be the sole person responsible for cleaning the entire house. You’re a team.

The cheating thing or sending provocative messages or messages in general to another woman with that intent is absolutely not okay. You have to know it’s not your fault. He’s a pig for doing that. No man should act that way let alone when his wife is pregnant taking care of his kids at home. I was from a broken home and although my parents sucked at it, it wasn’t so bad. And it wouldn’t be bad at all if I would have had an awesome mom like you sound like. I know you will make sure they’re taken care of. 💕

Im not sure whether you are aware but this is a page for people with problems with Endometriosis. If you are aware of this disease many women have fertility problems with some unable to have children at all. So hearing about your domestic problems is inappropriate and for some may even be painful.

Since you have not mentioned Endometriosis once, I suspect you are either having a laugh or maybe a troll.

If you would like some help, try Google. Have a nice evening.

I want to Thank everyone for there input we’ll the beneficial replies anyway and take everything on board what you have mentioned and great to hear from people that would be in my children’s position. I know what I need to do and going forward my Children will love a better life.

@3Caramel7 —- firstly I’ll apologise to those whom are having issues with fertility and with endometriosis if I have caused upset that was clearly not my intention at all.

You assume that I’m either a troll or having a laugh??? Yes as this is defiantly something I would joke about or troll about!!! Grow up!!

Please why even comment?? I think maybe you might be the troll or have nothing better to do than Dig someone out about a concern that’s bothering my life and is just as upsetting.

You don’t know me or my life so don’t assume anything. You have no idea what the next person is going through or been through.

Suppose there’s always one!!

Again thank you to all those who have made a positive impact on my issue and sent lovely replies it Is much appreciated. Take care all and love to everyone xxx

Hardest thing ull ever do but walk away. A life with no trust isnt worth it.

My hubby was the same wed been together 17yrs in total and when we split i found out hed been living a dbl life (he had house etc all ready been with a lass for 2years)

Its hard and i thought id never make it but 4years later best thing i done..

I was also brought up in a broken family and i learnt more from that because i had an amazing mum who taught me life lessons. I am very independent i know all about money and children in a unhappy relationship will scar them long term.

You are worth more and have gave your life to make him a father, let him prove to you he can man up. If its meant to be then who knows what the future holds but if its not dont waste 17yrs of your life praying itll be ok and making excuses...

Big hugs find a friend and tk to them, dont b embarrassed and ask for help, even a hug. You are a special lady and youve already made your decision stay brave...

Would advise would you tell your children if this was them!xxx

Best advice dump the cheating #### sorry my luv

Can I just say that I think you are really brave admitting this and that you have come to the right place for a bit of support.

My cousin went through something similar, her and her partner had a beautiful 1 year old boy and she then fell pregnant with their second beautiful boy. Whilst pregnant at 7 months, she found out that he'd been drunk and kissed someone else and then she finally broke down and had to tell her family how he'd mistreated her and spent ridiculous amounts on credit cards and been unbelievable drunk whilst she was at home looking after her children and would behave out of character.

She sat at my house crying for 4 hours wondering what to do as she was 7 months pregnant and said she'd wonder who would ever want her being a single mother of two very young children. My advice to her was, this is so raw and so painful right not, but my goodness, if you stay in this relationship, is this really how you want to feel this time next year? This isn't going to be easy but you have all of us around you supporting you all the way. You are brave, you are strong and you can do this.

She made the brave decision to leave him and he moved out and this is now 3 years later where for the past 2 years she is now in a relationship with an amazing man. They are saving for a house, he is fantastic with the children and he has really fitted well within our family.

As for her ex, they co-parent the children, they have a good enough relationship to discuss things that concern the children and he has since found someone else.

I am not saying that your case is the same, but I do want to let you know that you are not alone in terms of, you aren't the only one going through this journey and your friends and family will support you all the way.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs and love! x

I recommend you to watch or read what Esther Perel (incredible Relationship therapist) has to say about this topic

Here her TED talk:

youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat9...

Can I just say you are an amazing woman and mother . You should never ever feel like a burden to anyone or be treated this way . This man does not deserve a minute of your precious time .

Hello, first of all you do not deserve this. You deserve so much better one as a partner, and two as a mother. I hate to be so blunt but if he cheated before then he will do it again as you have seen. Despite being a good father for the most part he still stepped out of your relationship twice even after a child. I think that in order for you to be truly happy you should consider dropping him. You don't want to have the stress of worrying about him cheating again and you shouldn't have to put yourself through that. And if you are concerned about your children not having a father figure then just remember that you have a soul mate out there somewhere.

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