Well tomorrow is D Day for me and I must admit I'm getting rather nervous this time. When I had my lap in jan I was so laid back about it all. Yeah I knew when I woke up i would be told I had Endo but nothing on the scale that it actually was!!! Now tomorrow I am faced with a 3hr major op with 3 consultant surgeons (gynae, colorectal, urology) to simply remove my left Fallopian tube to help with IVF! If they are going to this extreme to remove my tube, god knows what it will be like for my "big op" to actually remove the Endo once we've tried the IVF!!!!
I just want the whole Endo journey to be over with now. Part of me has accepted that I'm more than likely not going to have a baby. And as sad as it sounds (and honestly I never thought I'd say this) our new addition to the family, my puppy Buddy, has played a massive role in this. I have something to love and take care of. And to see his little face light up when he sees me just melts my heart because I know he loves me as much as I love him. He is my baby lol ?? . But I know I'd always be kicking myself if I didn't try everything possible to complete our little family hence the op tomorrow. But the big thing for me now is that I just want the pain to stop!!!!!
I'm so lucky that I have found a man that is so loving and supportive and I can't wait to marry him next April but I can't help but feel that I'm letting him down. He has had to put up with so much this last few months and I just feel so guilty that I'm not able to give him everything that he wants and deserves. For months he's had to put up with my pain and my mood swings. He's put my needs and my feelings before his own. But how long can this go on for? Something's got to give at some point right?!? He says he's made peace with the fact that we can't have a baby and says he's happy for us to have just one shot at IVF. He says he just wants me well again but we all know that Endo is for most a long standing issue.
what if I wake up tomorrow with a colostomy??? I know they said it would only be temporary if it got to that point but what man can cope with that!?!
Everyone just keeps telling me that colostomy etc is worst case and I need to stop over thinking things. But last time I went into surgery I was positive and it ended up being far worse than I ever imagined. I just want it all to be over so that we can get on with our lives and not have to worry anymore about what the outcome might be. I want to plan our wedding not wondering if I need to find a dress thats going to hide my colostomy, or worry that I might spend the whole of our big day dosed up to the eye balls with pain killers and be barely able to make it down the aisle. I want to look into his eyes and say I do with my eyes filled with tears of joy and happiness not pain!
I just want it all to be over with ??