Hey guy's,new around these parts,well as the title say's i am at a crossroad's in regards to my "mental state",well where do i start? i am a 28 year old guy,i work,single,live at home with my parents(sad thing to say at my age) anyway,my father suffers from MS my mother epileptic(and other health issues) so of course i am considered "the man of the house" do this do that etc etc.
However i have had suicidal thought's since i was roughly about 13/14
I have also recently started cutting(last two months) suicide attempt? no,attention seeking? again no, i hide the fact that i do it(just my luck to be doing it when it gets warm) I do not even know why i do it,i have had the urge to do it for years then just acted on it.
I have never told my parent's this and only recently told my mate from school this.(but have not told him that i have actually been cutting)
Now i have never acted on these thought's(suicidal) and in fact it has felt some what normal to look at an item nearly everyday and think how easy it could be to use that item to end it all.(ok maybe it's not normal but still)
My cousin commited suicide in 2013,and seeing the effects it had on his family pushed me back further from acting on it,but i still think about it(suicide)
Now not everyday has been like this since then,i have started slowly talking to one of my mate's from school and just generally opening up about how my thoughts are in general which can be various.
Basically one moment i can be on top of the world,the next i lock my self in my room and do not really want to talk to anyone,just want to be left alone in my own room,benefit of feeling like this when going to work is that 80% of the time i am in a room working on my own so don't have to deal with people.
Then there are other times i am just good to go,happy crack on with life and everything it has to throw at me,but from time to time that can change within a few hours to a day or a week.
My own my say's that i am like jekyll and hyde and say's she is afraid to ask me to do anything in fear of me biting their heads off(parents/family in general)
I have lost a lot of weight since last year,i lost 6 stone in 11 months, through training every other day and eating properly,counting calories etc everyday,but then i just hit that downward spiral again,(just before christmas)where i was good for the whole 11 months energy like no tomorrow,positive,plans,ideas,top of the world,then what goes up must come down,and i have gone splat i think.
Now at the moment of posting this,again i feel ok,not great not down but content i suppose you can call it to some extent. But it's basically this,my friend said the way i am is the same way his sister is(she has bipolar).
He thinks i should go to the Dr,now me personally i would feel like an idiot walking into the Dr's and saying some of the thing's i have said on here, and it's basically it's just difficult to explain even in word's so actually telling someone how i am thinking by talking is difficult.
It's basically having a room full off 100s of TV's and switching them all on at the same time with a 100 different channel's and trying to understand everyone of them all at once,that's the best way to describe it,now in my current mood,i would feel like an idiot going there,but i just don't know,maybe there is something wrong,maybe there ain't so yeah,just kind of wanted to see what other people's opinions are.
Sorry for the long post