At A Crossroads

Hey guy's,new around these parts,well as the title say's i am at a crossroad's in regards to my "mental state",well where do i start? i am a 28 year old guy,i work,single,live at home with my parents(sad thing to say at my age) anyway,my father suffers from MS my mother epileptic(and other health issues) so of course i am considered "the man of the house" do this do that etc etc.

However i have had suicidal thought's since i was roughly about 13/14

I have also recently started cutting(last two months) suicide attempt? no,attention seeking? again no, i hide the fact that i do it(just my luck to be doing it when it gets warm) I do not even know why i do it,i have had the urge to do it for years then just acted on it.

I have never told my parent's this and only recently told my mate from school this.(but have not told him that i have actually been cutting)

Now i have never acted on these thought's(suicidal) and in fact it has felt some what normal to look at an item nearly everyday and think how easy it could be to use that item to end it all.(ok maybe it's not normal but still)

My cousin commited suicide in 2013,and seeing the effects it had on his family pushed me back further from acting on it,but i still think about it(suicide)

Now not everyday has been like this since then,i have started slowly talking to one of my mate's from school and just generally opening up about how my thoughts are in general which can be various.

Basically one moment i can be on top of the world,the next i lock my self in my room and do not really want to talk to anyone,just want to be left alone in my own room,benefit of feeling like this when going to work is that 80% of the time i am in a room working on my own so don't have to deal with people.

Then there are other times i am just good to go,happy crack on with life and everything it has to throw at me,but from time to time that can change within a few hours to a day or a week.

My own my say's that i am like jekyll and hyde and say's she is afraid to ask me to do anything in fear of me biting their heads off(parents/family in general)

I have lost a lot of weight since last year,i lost 6 stone in 11 months, through training every other day and eating properly,counting calories etc everyday,but then i just hit that downward spiral again,(just before christmas)where i was good for the whole 11 months energy like no tomorrow,positive,plans,ideas,top of the world,then what goes up must come down,and i have gone splat i think.

Now at the moment of posting this,again i feel ok,not great not down but content i suppose you can call it to some extent. But it's basically this,my friend said the way i am is the same way his sister is(she has bipolar).

He thinks i should go to the Dr,now me personally i would feel like an idiot walking into the Dr's and saying some of the thing's i have said on here, and it's basically it's just difficult to explain even in word's so actually telling someone how i am thinking by talking is difficult.

It's basically having a room full off 100s of TV's and switching them all on at the same time with a 100 different channel's and trying to understand everyone of them all at once,that's the best way to describe it,now in my current mood,i would feel like an idiot going there,but i just don't know,maybe there is something wrong,maybe there ain't so yeah,just kind of wanted to see what other people's opinions are.

Sorry for the long post :)


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33 Replies

  • Hey cj

    I walked into my doctors after ten years of denial of depression and thoughts, my doctor says what can I do for you and I just cried a river, didn't know where to start, what it stemmed from, but I do have depression I did try to hide it through people's attitudes. That was 4 weeks ago I finally accepted that it's not shameful to be low, to be depressed, to be sad and want to harm ones self. I joined this forum as a way of releasing myself when low and it does help. So anytime you get that low down feeling someone on here will get to you with such kind replies. My head at best feels like it's on the fairground waltzers and I want to get off. I too have my pappa living with me and that isn't always easy going believe me, but you take time for yourself too which is what I didn't often do and see your doctor too, take care xx

  • Please see your GP. I work on a mental health ward and your symptoms are very common. There are a lot more men suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. You need help and support. No one will laugh at you.

  • That I agree with Maisie is too seek help, I wish I'd of accepted it sooner

  • hey guys apperciate the feedback,i guess due to being this way for so long it just feels "Normal" to be this way in a sense,and seeing as im feeling somewhat on an "upper" at the moment i don't feel like there is anything wrong,but at the same time know it's probably not normal to be up and down all the time,and i guess i need to stop being so stubborn and do what you guys say in regard's of going to see a dr,but it really is just difficult to walk through that door,hopefully i will find the courage to do it.

  • Do your moods fluctuate a lot. Can you feel really down or sometimes manic

  • Yeah they do go up and down pretty quick, sometimes its an odd sensation because its like one moment i can be fine the next i can feel down or feel really energised like i could run a marathon.

  • There is a condition called bipolar where your moods fluctuate. I am not saying that's what it is. I am not a doctor. If you go and see your GP make sure you tell them everything

  • Yeah i know of Bipolar,i am just too much of a baby to go to the Drs,to find out the reason for my mood swings and just the general way my mind is working period. I know it certainly can't be normal to be the way i am,or feel the way i am at times.

  • Hi CJ and welcome to the community.

    There is nothing wrong with living with your parents at your age. I can understand that it probably contributes to the way you see yourself, but you don't need to be that hard on yourself. Do you have to care for your parents? If you did move out would they struggle? Is that holding you back?

    Did something happen when you were 13/14 that made you feel that way? I contemplated suicide very briefly when I was a teenager because I was badly bullied by a girl who had been my best friend.

    You sound like me about 5 months ago, in relation to the self harming. I went to my counsellor to tell her how low I was, she sent me to my GP, he sent me to A and E and then the Crisis Team got involved. At this point I was self harming. In part because it felt good to physically punish myself, but also because I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I was drawn to knives. I can use blunt knives with my dinner but I still can't use sharp knives.

    The crisis team taught me that distraction is key. I would find myself in the kitchen, almost like I was under a spell. I had to snap myself out of it and leave the room. For a time my husband had to remove all of the sharp knives from the house. That gave me peace of mind for a while.

    Then I met my new counsellor, who was amazing. She explained that I had fused with my thoughts; I thought that my thoughts were always true and that they always needed to be acted on. They don't. It is quite simply a chemical reaction. My counsellor also taught me to give my inner monologues names. My self harm thoughts are called "Britney Moments", because if she can get through 2007 I can get through these thoughts. It makes me laugh every time because I picture that poor woman's shaved head and it stops me.

    I went through a period where I couldn't help but see ways to hurt myself. It was like I wasn't even seeing the objects for what they were but how they could hurt me. It is really good that you have reached out to someone. I told my husband and my close friends. It felt so much better to be able to be honest.

    I'm really sorry that you lost your cousin. That is very sad. Is it a good idea that you work so much on your own? Do you socialise enough? What triggers you to lock yourself in your room?

    That is amazing that you lost all of that weight. Well done! I'm very jealous. I've lost 1/2 stone in a month, I definitely could do with learning six stone.

    Your friend is right as are the others who have commented. You need to see your GP. You could even print out this post and let them read this if you don't know how to put it into words. I wrote how I felt down because all I would do is cry when I saw my GP.

    You can get through this.


  • Hey Lori thanks,

    Yeah my parent's pretty much would struggle if i was to move away,neither can drive,and they basically depend on me to take them to dr's,dentist,basically all their appointment's,my mother to work,also if my father fall's,become's ill,then i am also required to help in that regards(i can't just sit there and let my mother do it),a hoist would also be required to move him at times(he is pretty heavy to be fair)

    They have always said "don't let us hold you back" but that is easier said then done,and granted i do moan when they ask me to do stuff,but it eventually get's done(in my own time) but yeah i guess they do depend a lot on me.

    In regard's to the reason why i started having suicidal thought's when i was younger,i just hated my self(i still do) i became really obese,a loner,lived on the computer,again spent hours and hours in my room

    I suppose you could say i was introduced to death at an early age when my grandfather passed away when i was 3(he was 49) as a child( from age 7 to about 10) you could say i was wild,i was doing thing's that kid's shouldn't of been doing.Both in regards to being sexual and lighting fires,playing with knifes,etc,etc but kid's are good at hiding thing's from their parent's so they never knew of this stuff.

    in regards to why i lock my self in my room when i want to be left alone,honestly i do not know,it's just a feeling of not wanting to be around anyone,talk to anyone,hating life,hating my self,just blocking the outside world off i guess. Eventually i snap out of it,but sometimes can last for 2/3 days sometimes a week.

    Then i am back to normal or,just act like nothing really happened,although during that time i could say some really nasty thing's or just be a pain in the backside in general,and basically everyone in the house or who come's to the house just stays out of my way.

    I would say it effect's my work,again because i am not required to really talk to anyone other then a electronic headset that is basically a computer talking to you telling you what you need to do.

    From the age off 11 to about 14,death was reintroduced to me and my family,it was just what seemed like 5 years of death,my grandmother(61) passed from cardiac arrest(i think it was) in 99,then my other grandmother(58) passed away in 2001 from cancer

    That hit me hard, i remember standing in the doorway of the room she was in(she wanted to die at home) and she was being given morphine and she looked into my eyes i looked into her's and the pain and suffering i could see that she was in,even till this day,just goes through my head,i can see it clear as day even now(we was close so yeah that sucked)

    Then in 2004 the last of my grandparent's died(aged 72),his health started to suffer a year or two earlier,but then 2004 a week before my birthday he passed away,again i was close to him,and visited him everyweek since i was a child,and that broke me apart inside.

    Then around 2005/6 my mother ended up in hospital because she was having breathing problem's dr put it down to asthma(although she was never asthmatic before) eventually she got admitted to hospital,and they found a bloodclot near her heart and the dr said lucky they caught it in time otherwise would of been light's out.

    Then 2007 my father got diagnosed with MS,and basically seen him go from being able to walk to being in a wheelchair just plain ol sucks ,and over time he has got worse,and add to the fact that he also has depression,there are times where you can walk past and he bites your head off,and of course me being me i will bite back and say some really hurtful thing's back and then its just a very tense day week etc.

    In regard's to the weightloss thanks,i was really self motivated i had a goal,i reached my goal(that was to lose weight) but now i am back to being on a downer i suppose,and i have gained two stone back,which makes me even more self critical at the same time,not having the same motivation or go as i did during that time i was doing it all.

    So yeah that's pretty much it.

  • Wow CJ,

    Thank you for sharing. There are so many things that I can relate to in your story.

    My Grandad passed away when I was 14/15, he had an aortic aneurysm. He had lived with a heart condition for a long time. I remember the night before the aneurysm he was at my parents house and we were discussing my sunflowers (I had inherited his green fingers) and I gave him a Bakewell Tart. I was convinced that him eating that tart was the thing that killed him. It obviously wasn't, but I felt guilty. I didn't know how to handle that and so I pushed down my feelings and didn't cry until I collapsed at his funeral. He spent 7 days in Intensive Care and during that time I was able to tell him I loved him.

    At the same time my Grandmother on my other side was diagnosed with cancer. She hadn't seen us for years and when she asked if myself and my sibling would go and see her I refused. I had good memories of her when she had been good to my family. She died on New Year's Day just after my Grandads passing in August.

    That was around the time that I was getting bullied and started my long, long battle with food.

    I have led a really good life so far in that I met my husband and started dating him whilst at university. We got engaged within a year of being together. Then cancer came into our life. We watched two loved ones lose their battle. Watching a person wasting away in front of you is soul destroying. Knowing that they both are free from the pain is the only real comfort. As morbid as it sounds, I know how I want to die, if I'm given the choice. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, after my counselling I still couldn't bring myself to talk about it which is why I'm going to see a psychologist.

    Then I watched my Grandfather die from cancer. He was diagnosed and passed away within a month. He was in constant agony and the morphine barely touched it. He was afraid of dying up until a couple of days before he passed. He didn't want to die alone, and he didn't. All of his family was touching him and telling him we loved him. Again, I'm not going to go into detail, but it was a relief to know his pain was over.

    Then in November last year my Grandmother passed away. I was very close to her. She caught an infection and died within 12 hours of being sent to the hospital. I never got the chance to say goodbye to her. Her death was the catalyst of my breakdown this time round.

    To add to all of this my sibling moved to the other side of the world. I had envisaged us living close by, our families growing up close. As the older sister I was always protective. He has a growing family now. I haven't given him a hug since 2013. He wasn't there when I got married, I wasn't there when he got married. I've never held or kissed my nephew. I'm Auntie Skype. For the most part I survive this reality, what realistically could I do? Well, I've created a family out of my friends. I speak to him and his family as often as I can. It isn't the same thing, but his family is better over there.

    It sounds like you are in a really difficult position with regards to your parents. Have they had adjustments and an Occupational therapist review their needs? Are you receiving carers allowance? Could you use that money to pay for a carer?

    You need to know that you are a wonderful son and person for doing what you have done, but I think you are frustrated. Could you describe what your ideal future would look like?

    It sounds like you might have a bit of a problem with anger, is that fair? I think you have lots of reasons to be angry, but maybe you aren't dealing with the underlying problems behind it?

    We all handle grief in different ways, I've learned that I don't have adequate coping strategies for it. Hopefully the psychologist will help there. I really think you'll benefit fro talking therapies. I bet you feel better already from just getting this off your chest.

    I refuse to let you beat yourself up about your weight gain. You lost 6 stone. That is amazing! I lost four and a half in two years, and then three people died in quick succession and I used food to fill the hole. I put it all back on again. I've since joined the gym and see a personal trainer twice a week. As I said I've lost weight, but I've also put on 1kg of muscle. You have proven you can do it when your head is in the right place, be kind to yourself.

    Have you ever taken anti depressants? I'm on the right type for me now and they have saved my life. Help me sleep too, which is an added bonus.

    There is nothing wrong with loving computers; I'm a gamer and I'm married to a gamer. My husband socialises with friends he has made online. I get told off because I'm too interested in learning about them and don't focus on the game enough.

    What do you do to be kind to yourself? For example, I take photos, cuddle my dog, tell my loved ones I love them. Eat chocolate, drink a little bit of red wine, explore new places.


  • Hey Lori,

    It sucks that you don't get to see your brother and his family as much as you would like,and cancer is a terrible disease that's for sure,i am glad your getting the treatment and help that you require,you seem like a genuinly nice person.

    I don't know why but i have always been self critical,and find it awkward to take compliment's,it makes me feel uncomfortable(odd i know) i have never taken any medication,i avoid anything Dr related i just hate that type of stuff and basically just fight with my self.

    In regards to being kind to my self,i buy crap,sometimes stuff that's not really needed,but i buy it anyway because i think it would be cool to have or just because i have the urge to buy it.(for example a 92 inch projector screen & a projector so basically its like having your own cinema) needed? not really but i have it anyway.

    I was a carer for my dad,but then i got a job,and because of the wage i earn then it makes me unable to no longer get carer's allowance,in regards to having people come in,i know my father is not to keen on that idea,and to be honest as his son,i feel it's my duty to be there in that regards.

    Yeah we can be at each others threats i have said nasty stuff to him he has said nasty stuff to me,he has told me to find somewhere else to live loads of times and i can just be just downright cruel to him.

    But either way i would just find it difficult to turn my back on them and don't really think to much about my future. I never really made any future plan's because honestly i always thought(since 13/14) that i would die young,but low and behold im still here.

    In regard's to frustration yeah i guess in a sense i am,i frustrate my self at times because i have all these grand idea's of doing things then not really follow them through,then just beat my self up about simple trival things and it just feels like a constant battle of being up down now and then feeling normal.

  • That's a very nice thing to say CJ, thank you.

    I too a, very self critical. I'm never as hard on anyone else as I am on myself. My counsellor taught me to be kind to myself, but I will go into more detail about that in a bit. I too can find it hard to receive compliments. I never believe them, or believe I don't deserve them. If I'm in a bad place I will also question whether the person complimenting me has an ulterior motive. I have to fight my suspicious nature. It never makes sense to me that my husband should love me, or my family love me, or my friends care for me as much as they do. I don't feel I deserve it. But that's more about me than them.

    Why do you avoid the Doctors? Does it have something to do with the fact that both of your parents are ill and they only ever seem to deliver bad news?

    Even if you don't need medication I definitely think you would benefit from talking therapy. You can obviously talk here, but I'm not trained in any way. I wish you could see the difference talking to my counsellor had on me. I had/have some very deep seated issues and she gave me ways to address them. I thought I knew myself so well, and was arrogant in thinking that talking about something could make me feel better.

    I have still been referred to the psychologist though, because the counsellor couldn't help with the depth of my pain and grief. I've pushed it so far down that when it does surface it is unbearable. I have learned to release the pain in little bursts through crying, and have learned that I eat to fill the void, but I'm trying to stop that.

    That projector sounds amazing! It sounds like you are quite detached from your. "stuff". What are you passionate about?

    My therapist asked me to imagine three balls. One ball represented sooth, one represented drive and one represented threat. She asked me to imagine the size of my sooth ball (my ability to sooth myself), at that time, the ball didn't exist because I didn't know how to be kind to myself. She asked me to imagine my drive ball, my motivation to do things. At the time it was the size of a tennis ball. Then she asked me to imagine my threat ball. At the time I felt threatened all the time, so it was the size of a house. I was scared to leave the house, scared to be in a room with knives, scared to talk.

    My counsellor told me that I needed to be kind to myself, to do things that made me happy. She felt that I was constantly punishing myself by being too hard on myself. So I charged up my Nikon camera and sat in my back garden. I bought chalk and wrote messages on my garden wall. I ate chocolate (I didn't need to worry about diet at that moment- that was for when I was in a better head space). It felt so freeing. I try to do something every day now. Today, I am taking part in something called GISHWES. I'm going to complete an activity and a friend is going to photograph it.

    You are clearly a very devoted son, it sounds like you are an only child, am I right? If so, that is one hell of a burden. I understand that you want to care for him, but you need to look after yourself too. It sounds to me like you are neglecting yourself. There are things that carers could help with to ease the strain on you. Heck, you could still move out-but maybe live close by, and go around a couple of nights after work. It depends on the level of care he needs now, and what he might need in the future.

    Has this been discussed? I watched two people I love very much die of cancer. Understandably they refused to deal with or think of certain aspects. One of them did before the end and we were able to honour and respect those wishes. I am in no way saying that you are at that stage with your parents, but I wish we had had the conversation so that we could have eased things sooner. As morbid as it sounds, I know what I would and wouldn't want to happen now because of my experiences.

    If you are both depressed I can imagine that the home environment could be somewhat toxic. How do you think the situation could be improved?

    You are right, you are still here. It sounds like you've been in limbo. Sleep walking through your life because you are unsure of your next steps? I get this, I left what I thought was my dream job. I'd built up an idea of who I was. I'd defined myself by my job. I've been floundering ever since. I have a job interview tomorrow, and I hope it is another step towards my recovery. Think about it now, what would you want to do if you could?

    Would you travel? Would you get a different job? Would you try to make new friends? Would you socialise with your old friends more?

    You are not alone, I planned on moving to the same country as my brother. I made all of these plans, started to put things into motion, and then became exhausted by it. I realised that no matter where I was in the world I would still be me. I couldn't escape being me. My husband is happy here, and I have grown to be content. We have a lovely home and are considering starting a family. I'm younger than I sound (in my early 30s). I also make plans to do simple things such as sort out my wardrobe. Sometimes, merely making the plans exhausts me. Then I feel lazy. My Mum thinks I should just get up and do it, and maybe she is right, but I'm a thinker and a planner. If you had any insight, I'd happily give it a go.

    Sorry I've waffled, once I get started....


  • Hey Lori,

    I avoid the Dr's because honestly, i have always had a fear of the Dr's since i was young,If i can avoid it then i really will avoid it,as long as i can, in this case it's been since i started having suicidal thought's i guess,i just kept everything to my self,i don't show my emotion's,and hold everything in, and sometimes people tend to think im cold hearted in some of the thing's i say,but i suppose some of(if not all) is a front.

    In regard's to being detatched,yeah i feel pretty detatched,from everything i do to be honest,i just end up sometimes "zoning out" of what im doing and going into my own little world where im just caught up in my thoughts.

    I have an older brother,but he has his own family,4 kids,getting married next year,and since my father has been ill he has not really been here through everything,because either he is working(long hours) or he was staying with his girlfriend(wife to be) and she lived further away,and he can't drive so that does not really help.

    So from day one since i learned to drive it was all on me to make sure that my parent's are still able to get from A to B and so on,the future has been discussed a little bit in regards to what would happen if anything was to happen to them,and the only thing thats really been discussed is that i am the one that will be sorting out the finances etc etc.

    Not something i expected(thought it would of been my older brother) but again he has 4 kids,job his own house etc etc(and to be honest i think he has his own mental problem's in that he eat's a lot by a lot i mean his size in weight is pretty alarming to say the least,probably a comfort eater). I just take everyday as it is,someday's its fine,feel good,somedays it sucks and i just lock my self away,somedays its aggression,somedays its just like being num,and other day's its a mixture of high and low,other days i have a lot of energy to burn.

    In regard's to how the situation could be improved,i honestly don't see anyway,i just see it as something i have to deal with,and see it as he is dealing with a disability that effect's his ability to walk etc etc, sometimes they say thing's(both parents) that make me think,they are putting the responsibility all on me and i guess it was not something i ever thought i would have to do.

    In regard's to my passion,i honestly do not know anymore,i feel i could travel the entire world and still not find whatever answer or peace it is that i am looking for,i suppose the only outlet i have to some extent is listening to music or watching a movie once either of them thing's end,its back to the reality of where i am at.

    Would i like to settle down have my own family etc,yeah that would be nice,but the way i see it is,the way i am,the way i keep thinking,the way thing's are,i am better off just being single,etc.

    Yeah my parent's have turned around and said would be nice if i settled down etc etc,but again its easy for them to say that,because its me that would feel like i am turning my back on them and i know the struggle that they would have.

    My parent's looked after me when i was a child,now i guess it's my turn to look after them in ill health,even "if" my mental state is a bit screwed, the future,i don't think about it,i dread it,because i know the possibility of what maybe coming.

  • Hi CJ,

    I was terrified of telling the Doctor when I was suicidal. I thought they would section me. I knew that being kept away from my husband and dog would only cause me to spiral down. They were my protective factors- I wanted to protect them.

    When I went to A and E, again, I was afraid of being sectioned, but by this point I was too far gone to trust my own mind. The crisis team came to see me every day at home and they helped me to survive one of the toughest moments of my life.

    The solution that comes to mind is to ask for a phone call from your GP. You can be in the safety of your own room, and if it gets too much you can terminate the call. You could even write yourself a script of the things you want to say so that your mind doesn't go blank in panic. You could also call NHS direct.

    I feel like you are reaching a tipping point. You have lived your life to support the ones you love, and that is very honourable. I understand that your brother has problems- but then so do you. He needs to help too. I know it is so much easier said than done. Siblings are so hard to confront about these types of things. Especially if they are your husbands, or your friends. I feel like you are doing what I have always done in the past, you are putting everyone before yourself. I made myself really ill that way, and it is a habit I am still trying to break.

    Sometimes "fronts" aren't as successful as we think they are, and sometimes they are too successful. Before I went off sick with depression I hid myself away from my colleagues, I felt isolated, and reinforced it. I put a smile on my face, a mask as Just Peachy would call it, but I know that some people saw through the mask.

    I also knew someone who came across as extremely confident and sure of themselves. They were boisterous and so positive it was exhausting (and this is coming from a morning person who tries very hard to be positive). The thing is, is that I knew they weren't being genuine. I really wanted to get to know the person behind the persona, but it was their armour.

    Zoning out is the worst! I am such a day dreamer, and I too get caught up in my thoughts, to the point they disable me. I have "scripts" as my counsellor called them, everyone does. She made me give them a name, so that when I found myself rehashing the same material I could stop and say, "ah, here's that script I call...". I had to give them funny names. Apologies if I've already told you this- I would read back up but I need to get ready for a job interview in a minute, but wanted to reply to you before I did. I have my "Britney Moments" that relate to self harm (if she could survive 2007 then I can survive today), my "Country and Western" thoughts that relate to my brother being on the other side of the world (because some Country and Western songs are about pain and loss. "My dogs wandered off and my wife's left me" etc). I have my "Fat Amy" thoughts, based on Rebel Wilson's character, so that when I hate my body, I think about her rocking who she is, and also thinking that I don't want to be known as the Fat Amy of my friendship group.

    I really think that your family would benefit from some external help- I'm not talking about someone coming in and taking over, I'm talking about someone else driving them to and from places. Have they given you lasting powers? Do they have a will in place so that you don't have to worry about the finances too much? When some of my family died they didn't leave a will and that caused a lot of confusion and pain that could have been eased. I realise that this may sound really insensitive, and I am in no way saying that you are there yet, I just wish it had been discussed in my experience. I apologise for projecting.

    I found a website about carers, and whilst you might not qualify for the allowance (would your Mother? Does your Dad qualify for things like a PIP?) I thought it might be worth you checking it out.

    I feel like the hand your family has been dealt is a really tough one and you are doing so well to cope with it. I really feel like you need to look after yourself though.

    It sounds like you feel like escapism isn't necessarily the thing you are looking for. It's good that you can get into films and music, what type do you like? Do you still game? You talked about exercising, is that something you enjoy? Could you join a club? I know that on FB there are some local walking groups that go on local walks, but also go around the country together. I'm doing something called GISHWES (Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World has Ever Seen) this week. It is really dragging me out of my comfort zone and getting me to do some crazy things (for example; dress up like a grass Pokémon and plant flowers at my nearest Poke Stop- that was hilarious and embarrassing). I feel like you need to get out of the house as much as you possibly can.

    Of course you are entitled to live your life as you see fit, but with regards to being single I don't know if I necessarily agree. What if you met someone who was in a similar position to you, they were a primary carer, and they could empathise? I have been through hell and back with what myself and my husband have had to live through, and I am so glad that we had and have each other to get through it. I'm not saying that in a salt rubbing way, I'm saying that, he made it easier, and I helped to ease his burdens too.

    You are right, it is easy for them to say that, and maybe they are saying it to assuage their own guilt. It sounds like you are also trapped in this stasis by guilt too?

    When we were in the depths of chemo, radiation, hospital appointments and admissions, sorting out adjustments to the home, buying any type of ice cream that would ease ulcers, feeding morphine with a syringe, cutting the grass and watching our loved ones fade, we didn't think about the future either because we were surviving moment to moment. So I get not wanting to think of the future. It isn't all terrifying though.

    We made plans to "treat ourselves". Give us something to look forward to. A day out, a holiday, a naughty food. It helped us. I suppose that was a way I was being kind to myself and I didn't even realise, until just now.

    I hope I am helping and not harming. I am going to have to go and do something to sooth myself now because talking about some of this stuff has been very painful, but I did it because I hoped I could help.


  • Hey Lori,

    Good luck with your interview hope it goes well(went well),Me and my brother have always had a love hate relationship,has always been the same,and since he moved out,started working,its like i have taken over my father's role in regards to everything basically.They have will's in place they said they sorted that out a while ago because they both know that due to their ill health its just something they needed to consider.

    The way i am,the way i think,the way i sometimes can be,i wouldn't want to burden anyone else with that,i don't want them getting whiplash from the mood swings and everything else.

    And yeah i would feel guilty walking away from them and leaving them to their own vices so to speak,

    Movies and Music is something i have always been into,music because i can put my headphones on and everything else around me is not there because i can't hear nothing just me in a room and the music coming through the headphones

    In regards to the type of music,a mixture of everything really,at the moment i have been listening to 21 pilots because a lot of the words they say have meaning to how i feel,to be honest a lot of the music i listen to indicates on how i feel at times,people around me just tend to hear the sound of the music,where as i listen to the words.

    Movie wise,it depends on my mood,i avoid "chick flicks" and romance movies in general,but will watch pretty much anything else. Again watching movies is an escape from reality and just being in your own little world,i forget about any feelings of being down or up or whatever and i am just in that zone of where ever the movie is at.

    I do go out now and then if my mate keeps nagging me,but i am just anti-social to the max,i hate being in room's full of people it stresses me out and i can feel the anxiety level rising, it's to the point where i avoid going to family gathering's if i can because i would just rather be in the house with the dog then there.

    I do go out drinking every now and then,although i don't really enjoy it that much,i just do it so that it keeps my friends happy to some extent(show willing) again i am always on edge if i am out drinking and find it hard to relax just constantly tense.

    I am sorry if i am bringing painful memories or feeling's back to you,it's nice to have someone else is insight into where i am at,and i do feel my self slowly edging towards making that appointment,time will tell but really apperciate all that your saying.

  • Hi CJ,

    Apologies for the delay in reply. I got through to the final stage which involves one more interview on Thursday- they are definitely thorough! Thank you for your well wishes.

    It must be difficult not having a good relationship with your brother. Part of my problem is that I love my brother too much and can't cope with him being on the other side of the world. He's been there for five years though, so I am at least used to his absence. Saying that, he wasn't there when our grandparents passed away and I know he won't play a part in caring for our parents when they need it. I get angry at that. It is like him moving to the other side of the world removed some aspects of responsibility, but saying that I know that he misses us all a great deal.

    When you mean you have taken over your father's role can you give me more info? Perhaps I could help or offer some suggestions that you might not have already considered?

    I think you are too harsh on yourself CJ. I think you could benefit from a talking therapy where you could air how you feel, and perhaps be taught how to control your emotions instead of them controlling you and causing you to lash out.

    I feel like even here, talking to me you are restraining yourself, am I right? I feel like you should quite literally spew out everything. Have a go of writing a stream of consciousness. You don't have to do it here, you could privately message me if you wanted to.

    I haven't heard of 21 Pilots, but I'll check them out. I'm relatively new to Spotify and have created hundreds of soundtracks to match my moods. I'm currently listening to The Journey To The Grey Havens (The Lord of the Rings- Return of the King Soundtrack). I have fairly eclectic tastes too. I find music is great at helping me to release my emotions. I find it very difficult to cry about things that are really important to me because I have locked them up so tight. Sometimes listening to the right song can release it for me. I feel better once I've released it a bit.

    I know what you mean about movies, although I do love a good chick flick! Trying to persuade my husband to watch it with me is virtually impossible, but we try to take it in turns picking a movie without being too selfish and punishing the other person (he would never watch a horror film with me for example, because I would be hidden in a corner, and I would never make him watch a film with Hugh Grant in it).

    It's good that you have friends who will nag you to go out. Do you enjoy it when you do go out? When you mean you are anti-social are you saying that you just like your own company, because there isn't really anything wrong with that. Do you mean that you experience social anxiety and don't like big groups-because there isn't anything wrong with that either. Do you mean that you want to socialise but can't bring yourself to, or are there any other reasons I can't think of?

    I get what you mean about social/ family gatherings. I have avoided seeing the family that I have left (bar my parents) for quite a while. From around November/December I went off sick from work, and was too mentally ill to see anyone. I didn't really come out of that haze until March. Then I dreaded them asking me questions because I didn't feel equipped to answer. Now I feel more ready. My life is taking a turn for the better and I feel like I have the mental strength back to stand up for myself or tell them if their questions make me uncomfortable.

    Could you think of other ways that you could go out socialising with your mates that didn't involve clubs etc? Is your local pub quite on any particular day? Could you suggest meeting up on a Sunday afternoon when it might be quieter? Could you do activities that involve your enjoyment of exercise- like football or climbing?

    You aren't bringing them up CJ, you don't need to apologise. They are always with me, it's just sometimes it's closer to the surface, and if what I am saying is helping you at all then I think that it is worth it. It might even be good for me to talk about it. I'm glad that you feel like you can talk to me, I really feel like you need someone in your corner.

    Rationalise it. What is the worst thing that could happen when you went to the GP? You aren't able to articulate yourself- write it down and pass it to them to read. They tell you that you need to take medication? It's worth considering their advice, but no one is going to shove a tablet down your throat. You think they won't take you seriously? If they don't or you feel like you don't have a good relationship with them then see another Doctor. Afraid they'll give you bad news? What if you are walking around with a problem that can be fixed? When my GP told me in November that I would be off for six months because I had severe depression I felt like a failure. I wasn't ready or prepared for that information. I took it away with me and realised (eventually), that she was right, and that time was part of the healing equation no one ever really talks about.

    What is the worse that could happen? You are diagnosed with anxiety (and maybe depression), you are given medication that, in a couple of weeks, eases the anxiety. You are referred for talking therapies (that takes about 12 weeks depending on severity and availability) and you get to talk it out. They tell you about their Welfare Nurse (if they have one- and if they don't mention it, you ask to speak to them). They tell you how the Welfare Nurse can sort out a paid weekend away for you as you are a carer. They give you help and advice to make your life easier.

    Imagine a mid-term future where anxiety doesn't rule you, you have help in place to better support you and your family. You can socialise without panicking (I am very familiar with good old panic attacks). You can live independently (if you want to) because you've been able to talk about your guilt with a counsellor and they've helped you to cope with it. Your medication and coping strategies stop you from lashing out and you can meet someone who likes your taste in music and films. That sounds like a future worth trying to me.


  • Hey Lori,

    That's great new's about the Interview and hope the next one goes just as well.

    When i say i feel like i have taken over my father's role,i mean that when it comes to everything from going places(I do not want to go to) or takeing anyone(both my parents) to Drs appointment's,shopping,doing all the manual house hold chores(painting etc etc) it's stuff my father had to do.

    Now i have to do it because he can no longer do it.

    And yeah even on here there is a lot i hold in and there is a lot i will probably take to the grave with me without saying anything to anyone,best way to describe it is Pandora's Box.

    I am my own worst enemy,i have always been my own worst enemy,there is nobody in life i have hated more then my self,and there is nobody in life that can hate me as much as i hate my self,every time i walk past a mirror, i just look at my self and just hate i have a reflection to begin with.

    I wouldn't say everyday is the same in regard's to being depressed,somedays i feel energetic and as if i could run a marathon,when i spent 11 months losing weight,that whole time i didn't have sucidial thought's as much,i was very rarely depressed,but yet people were still telling me i changed in that my attitude stinks,they were like "since you have lost weight your attitude stinks".

    But what they could not see is that i was more depressed when i was bigger then what i am now,there was so many times where i was so close to ending it,but what pulled me back was seeing the effect it has on the family when someone does it(that being from when my cousin hung himself).

    2 years later,one day i just snapped out of whatever and just started exercising working out every other day,eating cleanly,just total commitment to what i was doing(again people were saying i was going OTT or became obsessed with it)

    Now the honey mood period feels like its done,and i don't have as much sucidal thought's as i use to,but they do occur,and it feel's normal to have them now,but in some sense i think something has become worse,for the first time in my life last month,there was a day or two where i just felt numb,and just felt no emotion what so ever.

    That was a strange feeling,just felt odd,i didn't feel depressed,didn't feel hyper,didnt feel normal(if there is such a thing) just felt num. And until two month's ago,i never cut,although the urge was always there,then it started off with dragging tweezers across the skin to make a mark,then that changed from tweezer's to a blade,and i have cut my self numerous time's since,sometimes i can be having a good day,and still end up doing it(i think it has become somewhat addicting to some extent or maybe there is another reason i honestly do not know)

    I don't mind going out too much ,but after an hr or 2,i have had enough,i get bored of just being there,and would rather be on my own then out,last time i went out my friend said to me he could tell i was just uncomfortable looking because i just stopped drinking anything, and just standing there not really conversing that much with the group we was with.

    Don't get me wrong,part of my job invovles me(if i am in that position) to talk to complete random strangers,when that happen's it feels like i am putting on a mask,people see this "hard working" energetic guy,who like's to crack jokes but only rarely i have to contend with random people when they come into store.(work in retail)

    Everytime i step out of this house,people see a differen't me more often or not,i suppose they don't see the real me,they see a fake me,and that's my way of keeping people clueless to what really goes on in my head.

    Back in January i did try going to Kickboxing & Brazilian jiu jitsu,it was good,was something different,i done it for a month,but then again my mood changes just put an end to that,just lost the motivation,and basically it feels like i was on an 11 month high now ive gone back onto a low again.

    Also tried a bit of bushcraft with my friend from school,but again just the motivation is just dead in the water,it's like oh yeah sounds like a great idea,ill try it then when i try it its like meh,whatever, i do get bored easily to some extent,i went to college for 3 years and dropped out, because i was jut bored of it.

    I thought losing weight would be the answer to make me happy,but the reality is that it has not,it's not changed much mentally other then(it's lessoned the suicidal thoughts to some extent,perhaps that is a big deal) and my out look of what i eat,which just give's me something else to criticize my self over if i end up eating "crap".

    In regard's to being Anti-Social,it really is a difficult one to describe,given the choice of spending time with the dog or spending time with people,i would choose the dog, Given the choice of being at a party with family or friends or sitting at the top of the mountain over looking whatever place,i would choose the mountain.

    Maybe it's just who i am.

    Would i find it easy or liberating sitting in a room with someone telling them everything what's going through my head,very unlikely,to some extent i feel all of this is my cross that i have to carry.

  • Hi CJ,

    If you want to vent and you want someone to listen then I am the person. If you want someone to come up with solutions, I am also the person. I am a fixer. The only way things can get better if you are willing to try and change.

    If your parents caught taxis (paid for by benefits etc) then that would cut down on some of your driving, if your parents did their food shopping online then you wouldn't have to do that. There are options, but you have to want to do them. It's fine if you don't, but things won't change.

    I think everyone has things that they keep private. That's ok. It's not okay if it is making you unwell. I am very anxious about having to talk about my grief (my Pandora's box). Once it is open I won't be able to close it. I'm hoping I'll feel relief after the pain.

    I know what you mean about hating yourself. I haven't deliberately looked at myself in the mirror in months. I hate how many mirror the gym has. I try so hard to avoid them.

    It sounds like you enjoyed exercising. How do they claim your attitude changed? I know that people tried to sabotage me. People intrinsically don't like change. They may have been jealous of you. They might have disliked your confidence.

    If you are self harming you really, really need to see a GP. Trust me. Please go CJ. I am invested in your welfare and hearing that you are hurting yourself worries me. Once I was put on the right anti depressants my suicidal and self harm thoughts diminished. I still can't be around sharp knives, but I am not a danger to myself like I used to be. Please get help.


  • Hey Lori,

    I apperciate all that your saying and actually taking the time to respond to all that i am saying

    In regards to the shopping online,they do it, but still end up going to the shop's because they still need this or that,so still end up going there. In regards to taxi's,they see it as we have a car(well its my father's car although both are name's are on it) then taxi's are not needed.(Unless i am in work)

    I did enjoy doing exercise it kept me busy,it kept me active,and i had a goal in sight,once i reached it(lose weight) it became a case of now what. I done what i wanted to do,and then it was like everything just dipped.

    Even now people ask me how i done it etc etc,and i just feel like a hypocrite if i told them how to do it because it's like,i lived that life for 11 streight month's now i have been eating crap etc etc,so i feel iam the last person they should ask on how to do this or that in regards to losing weight.

    They claimed my attitude changed in regards to mood,they actually said i seemed to be in a mood more often,and that i would be mean(by saying no to doing things). But i can't win they said i was moody before,they said i was moody during and they say i am moody now.

    My mother say's i am jekyll and hyde because it's unpredictable on how my mood is going to be.

    In regard's to the self harm,yeah i guess its not normal to be "cutting",it's difficult to explain how i feel about it,i hide the fact that i do it,and i am not cutting to the extent where i am going "too deep" im cutting quanitity over quality i suppose. But yeah i guess that is an issue either way.

    I think one of my major problem's i have always had,is that i am stubborn,and i suppose that's not a good thing in these circumstances.

  • Hi CJ,

    I got the job! You're welcome. I get what you mean. I lost 4 1/2 stone and felt amazing. Then I lost lots of family members and I put it all back on. That added to my devastation.

    You would not be a hypocrite. You can say "well I did this" or "this worked for me". You are not saying you are still doing it, and who knows you could end up going back to it.

    It sounds like your friends are very critical, and probably jealous. I have known people who I believed were my friends but really they just wanted to sabotage me. They liked me when I was fat and depressed because when they compared themselves to me, they felt better. They hated it when I started to lose weight, and they'd try and feed me. I realised that I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life. My friends are the family I choose.

    The only person who can change your situation is you (which I appreciate is horrifically cliche). I am not stubborn, because I realise that I need to change and adapt in order to enjoy life. My husband, on the other hand, can be very stubborn, and he is quite happy in his routine. I think stubbornness is fine, and can be a useful personality trait, except when it comes to your health. I can't make you seek help, as much as I want to, it has to be your decision. But you also have to be prepared for things to stay the same.

    I wish I had sought help sooner, but saying that, I didn't think I needed help until it was almost too late. I couldn't hear what other people who had been through the same thing were saying, but that too was the denial that came with being ill.

    I have my own problems with self harming, but I haven't actually cut myself since April. The desire has eased on these tablets, and the techniques I have been taught work for me. That being said, I know that if I gave into my Britney moments I would cut. The release when you cut is addictive, and therefore dangerous. I used to find myself holding a knife without realising what I was doing, or how I got there.

    At the time I was under the care of the crisis team. I would find the will to put the knife down and call them or my husband. I never had problems with self harming (at least in that way, I think my eating has been self harming for a long time) when I was a teenager. When I started doing it I felt like I was releasing how I felt every time I felt the pain. It was like a physical manifestation of my mental pain. The tablets and counselling helped to ease the pain.

    I'm not sure how much more I can help you at this stage. I want to, I've given you all the advice I can at this stage, and I am still here for you. But I'm scared to invest in you if you are going to keep hurting yourself and not get the help you need. It would upset me knowing that my help wasn't enough. I feel like that sounds really manipulative and guilt inducing. I don't intend it to be, but I've learned that I have to look after myself too.


  • Hey Lori,

    Thats great news about the job,i am sure you will do great.

    And your right what your saying about the only person that can really change the way i am is me,that's somethign i have always realized when it taken me to actually start to do something in regards to my weight(taken 10 years)

    In regard's not being able to help me further,that's fair enough,and understandable,and honestly,do not worry about me,you have your own problem's in life,without the need to worry about someone else.

    But yeah,the road i walk is unknown,but time will tell.

  • Please keep sharing on here. I am a worrier, I can't promise I won't. And don't be surprised if I check up on you in a couple of weeks time. I'm crossing my fingers for you.


  • Any update CJ?

  • Hey Lori,Hope all is good with you.

    And as for me,not much has changed really,not feeling down or anthing at the moment,not feeling motivated or anything either,although i have slowly started to make food again rather then just eating crap here and there.

    Just going on as usual,(although it still does not take much to wind me up etc) and i am still cutting,think it's become a bad habbit like smoking.(i don't smoke,just an example)

    I have cut everyday for the last week,not through being depressed because i have not been depressed,and have not really had any suicidal thought's. But yeah i am trying today to avoid doing it.

    By just trying to keep my mind occupied by playing computer games(although i don't want to go back down that road either where i spend 7+ hrs just playing a computer game) which i have not far off done today actually.

    But yeah,now the urge to cut is just constantly there.

    Also i have kind of noticed that when i am feeling annoyed,down,etc, etc,i am kind of taking that into work with me as well,where as it never use to be the case,thankfully i tend to be working on my own a lot at the moment so don't really have to deal with any of my colleagues.

    So yeah,still avoiding the Dr's still,i just hope the urge to start cutting deeper don't happen,i think if that does start then i guess there will be no avoid getting something sorted then.

  • Hi CJ,

    I'm glad that you aren't feeling very depressed at the moment, although it sounds like your cutting has escalated. Can you remove the things you use to cut yourself? Remove the tools that you use to do the damage?

    I went for my new job induction on Friday and start my new job on Monday. I'm so excited to be working again. I get a fresh start where people don't know about my loss, my depression. I can decide what they see when they look at me.

    It's probably for the best that you avoid people when you are angry. Do you make an effort to try and talk to people when you feel up to it? I know what isolation feels like.

    You'd be surprised how quickly it can escalate from testing to cutting to attempts. I didn't realise how close I was. I was lucky because my husband took me to A and E when I didn't know I needed it.

    My husband just bought No Man's Sky. We love gaming. Maybe you could go back to the gym. Maybe do one hour work out for every two hours of gaming?


  • Hey Lori,hope you really enjoy the new job,and everything works out well for you.

    Yeah when im feeling angry,down,in my own slumber,i just tend to lock my self away.

    On a good day i will talk to people,i won't be as snappy,(but it again that can change pretty quickly) i will make converstation with my work colleagues,even on a bad day i will say a few words but nothing spectacular just kind of withdraw keep everything to a minimum.

    My mood in a day can go from up down sideways,or sometimes i can be on an up for a good couple of weeks or months even(during the weight loss etc)

    Then after a while i just become bored,start thinking even more,and start questioning my motives for doing whatever it is i am doing anymore.

    It kind of suck's because the thing's i use to enjoy doing,don't have the same effect they use to have,i don't get the enjoyment out of it,i dont get that feeling i use to get when gaming for hours,or just doing anything that i use to do.

    Exercising at this moment in time,feels like a chore,and i have always told my self that if something feel's like a chore,then obviously there is no point in forcing the issue and let it find its own way back(kind of thing)

    As for the cutting,yeah i tend to be doing it more,as for the objects i am using,well its a razor blade,but even if i was to move them,i would still actively seek them out and use them for what i use them for.

    To be honest,even when im cutting,i am not getting nothing from it.

    The best way to describe feeling these last couple of days,is num to all emotions at the moment,guess the only way to describe it.

    I don't feel depressed,i don't feel happy,i don't feel content,i just feel like i am here and thats about it,its a difficult feeling to describe.

  • Hi CJ,

    I love my new job. It's exactly what I needed. I wondered how you are getting on? Have you been yet?

    Have you done anything different? Has there been any improvements/changes?


  • Hey Lori,

    Glad the new job is going great for you.

    I am not to bad, 50/50 have my moments, trying to keep my mind occupied playing world of warcraft and watching supernatural from season one(another 10 seasons to go)

    Still avoiding the Dr's, No improvements, last couple of nights sleep has been pretty rubbish, but not missing it too much

  • Well its been almost 4 days,and things have been ok thus far,no cutting,and eating healthily again,hopefully next week i will start getting back to doing my workout routine.

  • Scratch the last post,had a good week or two then ended back to cutting etc etc,at the moment not feeling too bad again,but eh my moods are like a yo-yo,or a rollercoaster,up,down,up,down,up,down,up,down.

  • I didn't know you'd replied to this post because I can only see replies. I'd tried to find this post weeks ago to ask how you are.


  • Hey Lori,no problem,hope all is good with you and the job is still going well,i am ok,so far,granted it's only been two day's,work with me is getting pretty busy now(xmas stock starting to come in) so that keeps me occupied at least.

    I have still not manned up yet and gone to the Dr's,what can i say i just hate the Dr's,last time i went to the Dr's she stuck a finger up my bum and i have not seen them in the same light ever since(ok i have always hated the Dr's even before that happened)

    Anyway yeah i continue to be up down up down up down up down,continue to struggle,continue to cut,but i just take everyday as it comes,hope all is good with you though