So the last time i posted on this site was two years ago... that seems like such a long time ago but it really wasn't that long back. i remember it clearly. however this is not about that. so I've decided im pretty much just going to type out my life as it stands and my feelings towards it. its probably going to be very long and very rambly so i applaud anyone who sticks around to read it all. seriously you will deserve a medal. but anyway here goes:
since the last time i posted on here i finished high school and i am now in my second year of college. the first year went horrendously. i failed everything. that really took a knock to my confidence and now even though the college let me try again with different subjects, i cant help but think im just setting myself up for more failure and disappointment. my bedroom boundness has worsened, i no longer am able to see the only 4 friends i had as they have all gone off to different colleges and so now i hardly ever get to speak to them anymore, never mind see them. whenever i want to talk to them i feel like im just being a burden on them as they have their own lives and they have some new friends and they are probably busy and so i never end up messaging them.
i wake up in a morning not wanting to get out of bed because even when im in bed i still don't feel happy but its the only place on this earth that i can feel like no matter what i do i wont mess up and i wont upset anyone or do anything wrong because... well.. im in bed. i go to bed the same time every night and wake up the same time every morning and whether or not I've had a full nights sleep or no sleep at all i still feel exhausted and tired and drained. emotionally and physically. i never have the motivation or the determination to get out of bed and the only thing that gets me out of bed in a morning is my own horrid mind, beating myself up telling myself that im useless and that everything i get i deserve and if i stay in bed where nothing can happen then that's something that i don't deserve because i have to face what is coming to me. same routine every day. go to college, do my work, go home. eat food, watch tv, go to bed. every. single. day. i work on weekends which most people would say is an absolutely amazing thing and it is, and i love my job and i wouldn't trade it for the world. but it stresses me out and when i get home after a full days work ill be expected to clean or revise. full week of college then weekend of work.
my family... well lets just say its not the most stable. my mother is a single mother of four (My older brother who is 20, me at 17, my younger brother at 12, and my youngest sister at 9) and shes a full time teacher. she also has ME and intracranial hypertension (google it) also my little brother has ADHD and autism and so when my mom comes home from work she is usually very stressed and because of this, i try to stay out of her way so that i don't upset or anger her anymore. hence locking myself in my bedroom. however, this always ends up going lopsided and i will then be shouted at for not doing the dishes or not cleaning the living room or something that i have forgotten to do and then due to my stress from college and my tiredness, we argue. and this never usually ends well either. i mean, don't get me wrong i love my mother to pieces and if it wasn't for her i probably would have killed myself years ago but sometimes i just think that we clash so much and that with her stress and my stress its just better if we stay out of each others hair and so when she shouts at me i usually just take it on the chin and do as im told. on some of my worst days i just tell myself that this is what i deserve. im a piece of shit and i deserve to be treated as such. my oldest brother has gone away to university and im constantly being compared to him. "He always did his chores despite work and college" "hes so smart doing physics at university". i failed physics at college in my first year because im just not as smart as he is. not even close. he used to help babysit the kids when my mother was tired and help with the school runs when my mother was late from work and now hes gone im expected to do this and sometimes it cuts into my college day as i will have to leave early in order to get back on time to meet them out of school and even though i might thing this is not fair, ill tell myself to stop being selfish because im part of this family too and that i should pull my weight and help out wherever i can and i should be happy that im even in college in the first place as even though i may have failed and will more than likely fail again this year, there are people who failed their GCSE's and couldn't even get into college so i should be grateful.
This then leads to the spiraling and vicious circle of my eating habits. when im in college i don't eat at all, unless i hide away in a room where no one will find me because i HATE eating in front of people. im overweight for a 17 year old and i know this as a fact but no matter how hard i am on myself and no matter what i do, i just cant force myself to loose weight or even to eat better. when im at home and feeling down i will find the sweetest and suggeriest things i can and just binge eat. this then sends me into a self hated spiral of wanting to kill myself for being so fat and ugly and disgusting. this then makes me feel even more sad which then leads to more eating. like i said, its a vicious cycle.
back on to the topic of friends, im always there for my friends when they need me. for example, my friends grandmother has just been taken to hospital and so she is upset and so the next day i took myself over to her house and made her feel happy. i let her ring me and tell me all her problems and i do what i can to help but when im feeling sad i never want to talk to anyone because i know they are having their own problems and they wont want to hear about mine. they have their own burdens to carry and this is mine also. i do have a boyfriend which is again an amazing thing and i do like him alot but hes never there for me. he always used to message me first and ask if i was okay and I'de talk to him, but now he never wants to talk anymore. if i message him first he'll reply with one word answers or just not reply at all. ill ask him if he wants to meet up or if i can go over to his as i need a bit of an escape but he'll come up with an excuse for me not to go. but then i tell myself, well what if its not an excuse, what if hes being serious. and then i also know that he himself is sad and stressed as we go to the same college however when we are in college we hardly ever talk either because we have different lessons at different times and when we don't we will just sit in silence doing work. to me that's not really a relationship but then i start to hate myself for being so foolish and pathetic and selfish because there are people who are lonely and would love to have someone they can call a boyfriend and so then i just take it as being normal and carry on with my boring, same, repetitive day and just thank my self lucky i actually have a boyfriend.
then we have my appearance and my ... well my personal health. when i wake up in a morning i don't bother with nice clothes i just throw on whatever i can find. i don't have a wardrobe so my clothes live on the floor and so i just put on whatever i can find really. i don't do anything nice with my hair, just brush it. and i do all that i can to avoid looking at myself in a mirror because i know ill hate the face i see looking back at me. i hate everything about me. i sometimes refuse to shower because then il be forced to look at my naked body and that just makes me want to kill myself for looking so disgusting. and then this sparks thoughts such as "you're so selfish, there are people in the world without clean water to drink and you refuse to use a shower because you have to look at yourself, you're so pathetic" or "People in the world are dying because they don't have food and here you are hating yourself for eating too much food when you could be feeding the world and not your fat mouth" and then this kind of just continues and.. well... suicide thoughts!
now i used to have a social worker who gave me this sheet of paper with things on it to try to distract yourself when you have thoughts of suicide. some of them are really childish like play a game, read a book, do some coloring. but some are things like draw on your body with a red pen where you want t hurt yourself or light a candle and watch the flame. now even though i do try doing these things a lot, it doesn't always help because then ill just get angry at myself that i can actually just do these things whenever i want and im feeling sad. i don't deserve to feel sad. i have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, too much food to feed my fat face, and i just think i don't deserve all this stuff... and then again... its just one big, viscous circle and you know what... i think im at the edge here.
this is my last attempt at salvation. im willing to try ANYTHING to stop this from happening. its affecting my life so much. infact it is my life. i can't go one day without having a headache. having headaches are just part of my personality now. but anyway i just thought that maybe typing everything down someone people can see and maybe help... well its my last chance. because i seriously don't know what to do after this.
thanks for reading, an sticking through the whole rambling mess of what is called a life. you really do deserve a medal. or a blue peter badge. but still... thanks.
I'm turning 18 this year and that means more responsibility. i cant handle the responsibility i have now never mind being an official adult.
god help me,
Chloe
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ChloeAlex26
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My name is Aimee, I'm 19. It is really so sad that you are feeling like this. I know how it feels to be the oldest sibling and carry all the burden in the house (while your brother is at uni). I think you should have a chat with your mum and explain to her that everything she asks of you is putting a great strain on your life. If you don't think you can manage it face to face without an argument then go ahead and write her a letter or something. She'll have time to read it and process how you're feeling, and hopefully you can have an adult conversation about it. Stop comparing yourself to your brother! Different strokes for different folks, what's right for one person might be totally wrong for the next. Find something that you enjoy doing and you will find it much easier to get through college than you will if you do what you think everyone else wants you to do. Explain to your mum that the comparisons she draws between the two of you really hurt your feelings and that you want to be recognised as your own person, not an extension of your brother. I think that you should also try and talk to your boyfriend because it doesn't sound like he is being a support in any way, even if its just with college work. You need to make him understand that you aren't happy with the current arrangement if you want anything to change. If he doesn't respond, or he blows you off, then it doesn't seem to me like he is the right one for you, but that is your choice to make. I share your comfort eating problem. Almost every night I get a takeaway, justifying it with things like "there isn't anything in the house" or "I can't be bothered to cook". I have not yet begun to feel any detrimental effects from this but I know it is only a matter of time before it gets out of control. I think you should seek help with your weight loss. Look for local weight loss groups or support centres, even if you cannot attend every meeting because of your other commitments you are sure to find somebody you can talk to when you feel like breaking your regime. Above all, and I think this is the most important thing I can stress to you: Stop beating yourself up. I know its hard, but you need to start believing that you are worth something if you want to achieve anything. Its difficult enough to deal with life without you chipping away at yourself on top of it all. You are NOT a bad person, you ARE a human being, and we all suffer at times. I reckon you should make an appointment with your gp and go from there, because I'm sure there's a ton of potential in you just waiting to be accessed.
I hope I have been of some help to you, please keep us updated on your progress because you will find a wealth of support here. Best of luck,
thank you for the support and kind words it means alot.
Trying to talk to my mum when she's in a bad mood is like trying to talk to a brick wall and when i talk to her when she is in a good mood... well sometimes i don't always say things right or i just find it really hard to express how im feeling properly and then we end up arguing.
as for seeing a gp, i did that once and all they did was refer me to CAHMS and the people there were horrible to me. they told me it was all in my head, that i could just stop being stupid and be happy. they basically just told me that it was my own fault i was feeling sad and that i made things worse with the thoughts i have but i can't help them. i don't know why anyone would think i would purposefully make myself feel like this because if it really was that simple i would have turned my life around years ago. but thank you for the suggestion anyway, its much appreciated
So sorry to hear that CAMHS were so insensitive ☹ I think that medical professionals don't take things like this seriously in people our age which is disgusting. My younger sister has struggled with depression and self harm and it took her nearly two years just to get a referral to CAMHS who then signed her off without so much as an appointment. There are other things the gp could help with though, like your headaches. I'm really rooting for you Chloe, I think it is more than possible for both of us to overcome this eventually.
Wow, it sounds like the people at CAMHS may have dealt with you in a highly unprofessional manner - if you are suffering from depression the last thing you need is someone reinforcing the guilt tripping you are already doing to yourself! You sound just like me...I tried and tried to count my blessings and guilt tripped myself for feeling low when I felt I SHOULD have been grateful for all the positive things in my life. The thing is, I couldn't help how I was feeling. For now, after quite a while of being on medication, I seem to have things on an even keel and am feeling quite a bit better, although I'm far from what I would call "normal" (whatever "normal" is - another pressure we put on ourselves!) in functioning on a daily basis. Some days it is more of an effort than I care to admit to anyone, although I am getting there, doing better than I was a year ago. I am at least finally getting to grips with losing the weight I have gained. There is a very supportive group on here for weightloss, "Weight Loss NHS". They do a Monday weigh in and lots of advice and support over there for if you are able to embark on your weightloss journey. That said, for me personally, I found I had to get a handle on my depression to be able to process what I needed to do to lose weight, being an emotional eater and at the time not caring what I put into my body, just anything to try to numb the pain, so to speak. Maybe have a search around and see if you think the weightloss forum might help you? There are other people who are emotional eaters - there are probably more of us than you realise, so don't beat yourself up about being one of many. It's more "normal" than I ever realised until I joined the forum.
You say you turn 18 this year. I wonder does this mean that your GP would not be referring you to CAMHS after your 18th birthday. Perhaps if you went back to your GP again and he/she could see how long this has been going on for, and the fact that it has continued into official "adulthood" they might take you more seriously? In turn, perhaps your mum might take you more seriously if you can get the GP to do that. I just felt that I had to carry all my problems around and not burden anyone but when it comes to the point where every day is a bad day and you no longer want to be alive, there comes a point of overload where you simply cannot function any more. It would be a shame to have to reach such a point before anyone takes you seriously.
I'm talking a LOT so I will stop and post this now. Please don't give up on getting help from your GP...if this has been going on for years then it should really be taken more seriously. You need support not criticism, at a time when you are clearly vulnerable emotionally.
Dear Chloe, you have so much weight on your shoulders at the moment, its no wonder it all seems so overwhelming. Honey I really think you would benefit so much working with a good counsellor that can help you address these issues of self worth.
You could never be classed as selfish from what you write, its clear that you care deeply about others but feel isolated with your own doubts for finding happiness and contentment and being the age you are that's so understandable. I remember how much pain my own daughter went through as a teenager and at the same time tried to be there for me, she is 28 now and I am glad to say living a very happy and contented life with her boyfriend, over the years she also needed a little counselling and learnt techniques that helped her through rough spells.
Our own body image is such a powerful thing, oh I have been there many a time! Last year I lost all my hair and I didn't think before hand I would be such a wreck because of it, its sad how we can accept others and see beauty, but looking at ourselves we can sometimes see such failings that don't really exist, but can be more because of the vale of depression.
I can sympathise with your eating habits, but sooner or later it will be so important to address them, not because of your looks,but because research is showing a link between sugar addiction and depression, not to mention all the carp stuff that is put into convenience foods today.
Please go have a long talk with your doctor about how you feel and ask what sort of counselling services are available. There is also a councillor at your college that it would be worth looking to see.
Please believe your life will not always be this difficult, but learning how to overcome these problems will help you build on a future that you want to control and experience.
Take care and I hope lots of happiness and strength for the future, lots of hugs, Moni xxx
Hello
First I would advise that you talk to your GP as you need someone who can sit down with you and talk.
When I was at College, part o the course I was on was like yours, two days on three days off at work, at that time I was also in training for my work and also going on courses down south for the work I was on, like you I found it stressful and especially when I was taking grouped examinations every four months, if I failed one of three I had to take them all again, and my course work was very much the same.
I was the eldest with two sisters eleven years younger than me and that also caused stresses associated with sibling rivalry. My home life was very much the big bad brother. I was creaking under the strain. To crown it all I became engaged at eighteen.
When we are young we always feel that we can knock doors out of windows, we feel eventually we cannot carry on in that way so we have to explain to those around us we need to concentrate on those things that are important to us, your education is very important to you, it is and can be these days expensive and to ail in that can affect you for te rest of your life, so to leave early just makes you miss lectures that is not inclusive for you to pass, it can lead to failure.
Boyfriends and education do not really mix, all that happens is we end up thinking about the next date and then just argue when we used too meet, that would just give us something else to worry about and that in turn would make education a chore and we would not benefit education, it can again cause problems in swotting and sitting examinations as we have to much on our minds.
If you are looking after you brothers and sisters that just makes your time even more cluttered
Talk to your Mother and explain your problem, you need time to study or examinations and also need time to relax with friends etc.
You need to plan your time and learn to say no. Talk to your GP
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