I've just learned I've been living in shame and fear for over 30years

Hi Guys and Gals,

first sorry I haven't been on here in awhile to respond to replies, and I so thank you for it. I'm gonna be brief; I made a breakthrough in therapy today that I've been ashamed to have people close to me because of me ashamed of myself. I've never been able to be on my own since I had my first place when I was 20. I'm now 36. I've also never been able to stay at a job because of fear. Fear as soon as I was met with a challenge, fear as soon as I wasn't able to stand up for myself. In my situation, I believe my depression and my pmdd diagnoses at 20,21 to present actually have nothing to do with it. I had a hard time with confidence at a VERY young age. Can you believe I still remember in kindergarten (1984), dealing with my first conflict of wanting to be these 2 girls friends(btw one is my Facebook friend ha) because something in me at that age told me they were challenging to befriend, and they did not want to play with me. And from there it just went downhill because that was my first school which I stayed at from k-6th grade. Those are very critical years and I lost a lot of self esteem and confidence. If it wasn't for me trusting in God, after all I've been through, I probably wouldn't of been here.

Wow I said I was gonna be brief but the moral of the story is I am now facing all my fears head on. YES I get anxiety taking the steps, YES I am afraid of failing, but I cannot live the rest of my life this way so I'm facing my fears.

I hope this was an encouraging situation for someone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!


8 Replies

  • WOW! SunnyClouds, do you do anything small? Or do you always do it BIG!!??

    You are looking a big problem in the face and taking it on BIG TIME!!

    FANTASTIC!! You are so impressive! This is the 1st time I've met you and I'm very impressed with your courage and determination. You are also reaching out to others and letting them know you care! How unselfish and wonderful is that? It's huge! My hat is off to you! And I believe God is smiling one HUGE smile right about now!!

  • Hi There,

    A big step and achievement is coming here to tell us so we can be of some help or guidance for you to seek the support you need. so well done :) !

    The one thing fear does is increase stress. this is natural and exists in all animals including us so don't worry about this fear. the main issue is keeping that stress under control and know when not to be stressed, as prolonged stress can invoke depression, which can get worse if not dealt with soon enough. trapped in your mind are bad memories of the past so when you are in a situation that reminds you of a past situation you stress out and worry. again that is a natural reflex of the mind. what you need to try and change is your approach towards tackling a problem or work or situation. if you see a ride in a theme park you feel it looks dangerous and too much so you get scared and decline to ride on it. once you are on it and go for the ride you realize it's not a big deal after all but quite exciting.

    Because you have been in that situation that invokes fear and stress you need to teach yourself that, "hey, its not a big deal and not something to be scared of ", just look at what needs to be done, its ok to look through it again, everyone does this, and take it step by step to understand what is required. if needed, break it down into smaller chunks if it helps you understand and start tackling each broken down chunk until you can start building it together until you have what was asked of you to do. it will take time because of what you have been through compared to someone else who might do it quicker but don't let that put you down. you are capable to achieving everything that anyone is able to do, you just need to change your approach to a situation and handle it differently to ensure that nothing stresses you out or scares you.

    I was in your situation and had people ask me to do some work but on looking at it anyone could have done but it became a reflex for me to say no i can't, now i take some situations on and learn step by step what to do, how and best way. if it takes me more time then so be it but i need to be sure for my own assurance.

    I had the same issue as you with regards to being friends with girls. being indian most of the girls in my class when i was young back in 1988 were white English girls and i just wanted to be friends like i was with the lads. they did not like me, as i learnt later on because of my skin colour and that stayed with me even up to today, some would not hold hands with me in classroom practicals in 1992. I'm not comfortable around english girls even today when socialising and given the recent attacks on white girls from migrants I'm even more unsure but that doesn't stop me from having a casual friendly chat but I don't sit too close to them...i guess it a natural fear of protecting myself from a situation. this did affect my confidence seeing indian girls but i slowly realized that they like me, some a lot and i needed to learn to chill out and relax around them and let natural attraction take its course and that comes with practice to teach yourself to relax and that's how you can manage that fear and stress.

    sorry for the long write but I hope that helps.

  • I'm supporting a young person who needs counselling for' their past'

    It's a long difficult road and with funding as it is the person has been let down.

    Now although we have a long wait there is hopefully light at the end of the tunnel and a Psychologist will be involved.

    It's credit to you that you have chosen to face your Demons and I'm sure you will feel much better for this in the long term.

    Read this book several years ago, it's the story of a lady who had to go through dark times before finding out why she felt as she did.

    It's written by the lady concerned and her Psychiatrist - well worth a read to help us understand how our pasts can infiltrate on our present day


  • Hi Headchild,

    Thanks for your reply! That's great you're supporting the young person through the situation as I'm sure that will lessen the load some. Thank goodness for doctors and not so much stigma on psych docs as it used to be.

    I'm facing them but it's not easy and some I'm still tryna face, but don't I know, I figure that's half the battle.

    That's sounds like a good read, thanks! I will definitely read it


    Ps. Your cat is adorable!

  • Oh Shanny what relief you must feel now ......God does things in His time not ours and it can seem like a life time waiting for things to start making sense to us but He knows your ready now and will catch you if you fall x

  • Hi Mandy,

    Thanks for your reply! Yes, I am relieved a lot and yes you're right I had to get there and let God allow me to see this is the time! Thanks you and it's great someone trust in God as much as I do!


  • Hello Shanny

    All I can really say is good luck, I hope this positive attitude will see you through


  • Hi Bob,

    Sorry I'm just getting back to you! Again I'm late, story of my life lol! Thanks for your encouragement always and your kind words. It means a lot! I hope you're doing well today too!


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